Time and Space.

One of my friends recently suggested starting a movement.  She would like to simplify life.  There are too many choices, and we are constantly being bombarded with the responsibility of decision.  "Paper, or plastic?"  No thank you!  "Would you like fries with that?"  Did I order fries?   "Next day shipping, two day delivery, slow, interminable wait?"  Look, I'll just come pick it up. "Cash or credit?" Just keep it."  Life has become a maze of confusing speculation, freighted claims, and, meaningless options.  She would like it to end.

In the perfect world she feels this would be replaced, 

By this.

And, really she has a point.  We need to simplify things.  Keeping that thought firmly in mind, this is the beginning of the manifesto of the "Occupy Main Street" Movement.  It needs a little work, I am but a humble blogger, and not wise in the ways of manifesto creation and editing.

She doesn't want more she wants less.  Why tie up all of that time reading menus at a restaurant, they should just serve you the one thing they make, "Welcome to Ted's House o' Meatloaf, we make Meatloaf" (just sit down and eat, it could be waiting for you), think of the minutes saved, all of the tormented anguish deciding between the sea bass and the orange roughy gone, replaced by speedy, comfortable contentment.

One television channel would help couples avoid a lot of bitter, heated, rancorous debate.  Weekends are sports, weekdays, talk shows, and evenings some combination of reality, situation comedy with dramatic overtones all designed to appease every taste, without any hope of succeeding.  "What do you want to watch?" would be replaced by "why bother!"

In fact, lets go one step further, who needs three dimensions, two is plenty.  People would have the choice of width, height, or, depth, wait, what am I saying, this is anarchy.  We might need to elect a new spokespers...whoa, this might be a lot harder than originally thought.

Anyway, if you have had enough with all of the constant badgering by ruthless counter people, inquisitive customer service representatives, and prying, nosy sales people join us in our fight.  Particularly if you have some experience in the field of manifesto generation.  It is no longer a choice.

I was not disappointed.

Friday, I bought "Elvis Club" by the Del Lords.  It was kind of a torturous decision.  Should I buy it should I wait.  Would it match the passion, and anger of "Johnny Comes Marching Home" or the disillusioned melancholy of "Based on a True Story," would it be The Del Lords I remembered?  I listened to those old albums, looking for guidance, and they seemed to say "give it a go," so I did and it was great advice.

After one weekend with the album I am very grateful for the purchase.  The Del Lords have not lost their edge, they have matured a bit perhaps, but they have not mellowed and they still rock and roll.  The premise is still a hammering, concussive back beat, with driving, thrashing guitars and angry, yearning lyrics.  And you know what, that kind of anger is a beautiful thing, it is cathartic, and it reminds a person that there are still important things in life.  That is still time to live, and to leave the growing old to someone else.

It is not a retread of music already made, it is a new album with a new sound and plenty of fight all on it's own.  But, it is still a walk down a path that has led to many surprising discoveries.  If you don't understand that bit, it is ok, I wrote it and I don't get it, but it sounded all music review, so I left it.  Hey, if you're going to write a critique it might as well sound a little ethereal, right.

Call this music what you want, Americana, roots rock, rock-a-billy, it doesn't matter to me, (I just call it rock and roll).  Just check it out, enjoy the music, and then you can thank me later.  When we all step into the land of the cool and the crazy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VK7TMttLQ6E

Oh, and by the way, stop The Del Lords Facebook page, and tell them it is time to start working on the next album, they will listen to you, you have such kind eyes.

Where have all the heroes gone?

This just in, British chemist (and owner of a pretty cool blog, located at http://www.t2ah.com/) thinks that Spiderman, the movie may not be grounded in reality.  And people say you can't learn anything of the internet.  Don't worry, if you don't understand the math, he is a chemist, so it must be correct.  Check it out here.

http://www.t2ah.com/2013/01/spidermans-breakfast-and-physics-of.html 

Seriously, though, he has some cool stuff, but watch out. you might end up learning something.   Oh, and don't forget to check the comments at the end, scientists need to work a little on "talking smack."  I am thinking of starting a class, "talking trash for geeks, nerds and the learned."  

Please forgive the spider post, but give me some credit, this one is different.  
And for today's homework,

Doctor Dawg takes one for the team

Good toxins are hard to find.

A public service announcement.

According to the Food and Drug Administration (this is important, you can never be too careful when dealing with food, or drugs, or administrators) there are several cases of fraudulent botulism toxin being sold in the United States.

Reports from the agency indicate the products are knockoffs from overseas, and are not subjected to the rigorous controls to which American toxins are subjected.

Remember, only inject good, American toxins into your face. There is no way to know for sure where those other toxins have been,

Brought to you by the American Toxin Manufacturing Alliance, where toxins know their place.

Finally some good news.

Today, I took the plunge and bought the new Del Lords album, "Elvis Club."  Sometime in the late 1980's I bought "Johnny Comes Marching Home."  A powerful collection of hopeful despair, and joyful bitterness, for my confused state, and aimless existence at the time it was tonic for a troubled soul.  One song would leave you believing there were better days ahead, and the next would lead you into a dark night of dying love and depression.  And I was hooked.

It was terrible news when they broke up.  It really made me sad.  But, then I read they were re-uniting, and I started following them, on Facebook, it was like finding a lost friend, and I have to say, they were very engaging, and forthcoming on their wall, conversing with fans, and updating progress.  It was so refreshing.

Then the album was released, and I was hesitant to make the purchase.  What if it wasn't a good as hoped, what if age had mellowed the band.  I listened several times, and it was great.


So, today I bought the album.  And it is fantastic.  It was a long time coming, and it will be on all the way home from work tonight.  And I will "play it loud enough to hear it for miles and miles."

Thank you, Del Lords, you guys really rock!  If you decide to release another album that might not be a bad idea.

Ode to Spring.

Spring is coming, pollen, allergens, hay fever, runny noses, watery itchy eyes, lawn treatments, yard work, mowers, edgers, trimmers, rakes, shovels, sweat, back breaking labor, torrential rain storms, flooding, and tornadoes.  But, that really isn't the bad part, the bad part is entering into what many experts call the "televised sports desert."

Soon the Stupendous Bowl will be over. Of course, we can not forget about the NFL draft, this year there is a rumor that some team is going to pick some guy who played football in college and pay him enough money to end the federal deficit. Hoping, against all odds, that he will not get hurt when some huge guy runs into him as fast and as hard as he can, or not be able to play at the level expected and turn into a huge waste of corporate cash.

Watching the NFL draft is similar to watch a city council meeting, without the excitement.  There is some pleasure, though, watching grown men, standing around at work, macho, manly and filled with testosterone, sounding like teenage girls, "I hope my team drafts that running back from Northern Arkansas, he is so dreamy.  Wouldn't that be a huge slice of wonderful!"

Oh, and the NBA playoffs, they start soon, or started recently, or have been going on for the last several years.  Recently, the NBA decided that people enjoyed playoff series more than regular season games, in an effort to squeeze every dime possible from their fans, they expanded the playoffs, (soon they are going to replace the regular season with a and use a reality televison style panel of judges to determine playoff seedings) now the post season lasts longer than Prohibition, and makes less sense.

There is another "sport," it is called hockey.  While most Americans have trouble enjoying hockey, a foreign sport with vaguely European origins, there is a rabid, vocal, group of hardcore, dedicated fans.  But, science is working feverishly on a cure.  When given the opportunity, please donate freely to this worthy cause.  We are all in this together.

What about baseball?  People have long said baseball is a thinking man's game.  That is probably true, baseball players certainly have plenty of time to think, standing out there, waiting for something, anything to happen.  Maybe they are thinking what an average little league player thinks while standing, way out there in the vast, indifferent, alien landscape of the outfield.  "Please, God, don't let them hit it to me!  Anywhere but here."  Remember the old saying, "there are no atheists in the outfield."  True, so true.

So, what is the point of all this, we have sadly run out of time today.  Please tune in next week when we discuss the similarities between Coach Rick Pitino and your dependable, steady, resolute blogger, and why he should provide free tickets to a couple of Louisville Cardinal basketball games next season.

Finally, some recognition.

This is a public service announcement.

According to NPR, Marist College crew members were out practicing on the Hudson River this week when they were surprised by a gigantic head floating toward them.

Made out of styrofoam and fiberglass, the Poughkeepsie Journal says it's about seven feet tall, is missing its nose and has the appearance of Greek or Roman architecture. Marist College spokesman Greg Cannon told the paper the huge item was lifted out of the water on Monday, directly across from the school. It remains unclaimed.

This has caused quite a stir at US rowing, where administrators were quietly optimistic.  "It isn't every day a crew event can be considered exciting and newsworthy.  Most times when you tell people that you compete in "Crew" they ask if that is like being on "A Family Feud."  Now we have NPR talking about us, it will only be a matter of time before we are on "All Things Considered" which so far has given the sport of Crew any consideration at all, I can't wait. 

If you would like to claim the "big, giant head" please bring your ID, proof of ownership and several reporters and hours of undivided media attention to the next Marist College Crew event.

Doctor Dawg tackles adult remedial education.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Here is Another Good Reason to Vacation in Louisville.

We here at Life Explained would like to bring you a bit of good news, for a change.  After looking high and low, near and far, digging through mountainous piles of newspapers, and looking at what seemed like thousands of "reputable" on line sources we could not find any, so we thought we would bring you another reason to vacation in Louisville.

(Reuters) - South Florida is fighting a growing infestation of one of the world's most destructive invasive species: the giant African land snail, which can grow as big as a rat and gnaw through stucco and plaster.

More than 1,000 of the mollusks are being caught each week in Miami-Dade and 117,000 in total since the first snail was spotted by a homeowner in September 2011, said Denise Feiber, a spokeswoman for the Florida Department of Agriculture and consumer Services.

Residents will soon likely begin encountering them more often, crunching them underfoot as the snails emerge from underground hibernation at the start of the state's rainy season in just seven weeks, Feiber said.

In some Caribbean countries, such as Barbados, which are overrun with the creatures, the snails' shells blow out tires on the highway and turn into hurling projectiles from lawnmower blades, while their slime and excrement coat walls and pavement.

As if Florida doesn't have enough problems.  Invasive species of pythons munching on the gators, wild boars, black rats, and fire ants.  Hurricanes, tropical storms and traffic jams.  If the heat and humidity don't get you then a rat sized snail, with the ability to eat buildings, turned into a "hurling projectile" covered with  "slime and excrement" will.

Brought to you by the Florida Ministry of Tourism.

Procrastination, the Secret to Productivity.

Often it has been said, "Procrastination is the thief of time."   Probably by some "crusty, old codger" (that quote was brought to you by Gale from Scotland, soon to be Gale from Berlin, and at one time, Gale from the US, she puts the ex in expatriate), who has no imagination, no internet access and no cable tv.  Some boring, dull, small minded work-a-holic, friendless and alone.  Really, they are to be pitied, and we here at life explained are attempting to disprove this common misconception, and welcome these poor souls into the fold.

Suppose there is a something due on Monday morning, first thing.  Let's say it is a poem, for English class, it has to be written in iambic pentameter, with a rhyming scheme ABAB, CDCD, with three verses and a couplet.  Any fool can tell you a decent poem will take about an hour, give or take, depending on how technical a poet wants to get with schemes, consistency and subject.  It is a little known fact that Coleridge wrote "Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner" in one eight hour shift, with two 15 minute breaks, and an hour for lunch, with no overtime, but he was an experienced production poet with years of training and a degree from ITT, not everybody is able to match that kind of pace.

At 8:00 on Sunday evening a poet decides to open a tasty pop/soda/cola (please choose your preferred noun, we are comfortable with any) and get started.  But, that one show (that show people at school are talking about, it sounds cool) is just starting, and it looks pretty good this week.  "Well, I will just work on the poem, during commercials," the poet reasons, poets are very reasonable people.  But, the commercials are really just little shows, who doesn't love them?

"Ok, after this show" the poet thinks.  But, there is another good show, and maybe another cold drink, and some salty snacks, and a candy bar, and, hey isn't there an ice cream sandwich in the freezer a sandwich with ice cream, what a great invention.  Dang, this show is better than the last.  Who would have figured it was the sheriff embezzling money and murdering the mayor.  That was wild.

Now it's 11:00, and our poet/hero is a little tired.  Being the pragmatic type he thinks "I will just set the alarm an hour early, get up and have some oat meal and fresh fruit, and hammer out a masterpiece."  Now, our hero is thinking, what a plan.  Poets are so pragmatic.

Of course, our hero presses the snooze button so many times the alarm clock finally gets disgusted and adjusts the radio station to some awful metal station and the volume to deafening.  When the poet finally rolls out of bed it is almost time to leave, no poem, no coffee and no oatmeal, or fruit.

Uh oh, this calls for action.  Our poet uses his tooth brush to brush his teeth and comb his hair as he is rushing down the stairs, drives frantically to the gas station and grabs a cup of coffee, and a bunless hot dog for breakfast, and writes his poem on his iPhone as he drives to school.  Technology has long been a friend of the arts, you know?

From this scientific experiment we have seen that procrastination did not steal time from our poet/hero, quite the opposite.  Due to effective time management, he figured a way to watch two shows on tv, not only did he not get up early he slept in for an extra thirty five minutes, got his poem written, (the topic was "typing while you drive, it makes you feel alive), and discovered that toothpaste offers all day hold as a hair gel, and a hot dog tastes so much better when used to stir "aerated, non-dairy creamer" and sugar into coffee.  For a net gain of two hours and 15 minutes, after allowing for inflation.

So, don't rush into things, life is too short.  Watch a little tv, and make some pop corn please, we are famished.

Spring, a Real Manly Season.

In honor of John joining us on the "information" super highway it seems we should focus on home improvement.  Since it is spring, the weather is warming, the days are getting longer, and it is time to shake off our winter doldrums we are going to focus on gardening during this episode.

As you can see gardening can be a rewarding, wonderful past time.  There are few things that can bring more satisfaction to a man than a well tended flower garden.  Nothing brings more masculine bravado and macho posturing to a weekly poker game than the competitive, annual rites of flower garden braggadocio.

"You guys should jump on your choppers and rumble over to my place and check out my peonies, they look lovely."  One man will say as he pops open a cold beer, strikes a wooden match on his face and lights up one of the biggest, most gawd awful smelling cigars a person can imagine.

"Your peonies are such girly flowers, when you are ready for a real mans garden, climb up into the cabs of  your monster trucks and drive all over the tops of cars, mail boxes and traffic signs to check out my marigolds.  Marigold, that's a real man's flower, now."   Says another as he spits into an empty glass, slams down a shot of whiskey and plays a flush.

"Marigolds are just pest magnets, WUSS!!!!" The first man screams, breaking a sour mash bottle on the edge of the table, waving the jagged neck back and forth menacingly.

Pulling a revolver from a shoulder holster the second man yells "Why you sissy, I ought to"...

On second thought, maybe we will talk about growing tomatoes.  Food crops, that is the real point of gardening, right?

The first, and most important part of growing tomatoes is site selection.  You want an area with 8 hours of sunlight, good drainage, and low ph soil, (whatever that means).

Next you need to prepare the site.  This involves a shovel, and fertilizer and compost (not too sure what that means, but it sounds pretty rugged).  Take your shovel and mix them together, and make one homogeneous mixture, soil, fertilizer, and compost.  Ah, the smell of dirt, fertilizer and compost.  Makes a man proud to be a man.

Now, you dig a hole.  This home gardener went a little too deep.  You just want to bury the roots, not the whole garden.  Carefully place the plant in the small hole and gently cover the roots with the loosened soil.

Next, we need to water, and water, and then we need to water some more.  Oh, and don't forget to fertilize, and watch for bugs, because they love tomato plants.  So, keep your eyes open for cutworms, aphids, psyllids, leaf miners, hornworms, stalk borers, white flies, spider mites, slugs and stink bugs.  Next you need to pray it doesn't get too warm, tomatoes won't  "set fruit" if it is too warm, and hope against all odds we don't have an unseasonable frost, or too many cloudy days.   Dang, how did plants ever survive out in the wild?!!??

Maybe hunting down and catching fresh tomatoes in the super market is where the real action lies.

Don't forget to turn in next week, when we learn how to assemble a counter balance catapult from bags of fertilizer, tomato cages and a slightly used shovel.

Welcome Friend.

Today, we are going in a little different direction.  We are going to talk about my friend, John.  John is ancient, almost as old as me, and yesterday he joined Twitter.

Twitter should be perfect for John.  He is a man of few words, and that makes for a very strong friendship, as I am overrun with words.  So, I tell him all sorts of things and he pretends to listen, which is very nice.

Another key difference, is John's ability to do things with his hands, he is amazing.  He can, weld and solder, and drill and hammer and measure and saw and assemble and finish projects and they look like what he intended.  He can handle plumbing, electrical and carpentry projects.  All without swearing or beer.  Amazing!

His tool chest is orderly and neat, his wrenches and sockets are sequential, and clean, and he keeps a can of de-greasing hand cleaner sitting neatly and elegantly within reach.

He understands the internal combustion engine, and how one works.  And how to make it start working again when it stops.  Plus, he can repair the brakes that are so important while driving around in a vehicle powered by an internal combustion engines.

He is completely unafraid of that dreadful, fearful, intimidating phrase "some assembly required."  He actually reads and understands the instructions before he starts.  Then refers to them during assembly.  And when he is finished he doesn't have any left over parts unless the manufacturer sent too many.

John can sand and finish a hardwood floor, correctly.  He can paint walls and in colors that actually complement each other without consulting a woman.  When people talk to him about their home repair problems he guides them with sage wisdom and kindness.  He is an oracle of home repair and improvement instruction, and we are awed by his knowledge.

And now he is on Twitter, a true renaissance man.  If you run across him while tweeting, please say "hey, John, welcome, friend, oh, what is the best way to patch a gutter?"

Please, no applause, well maybe a little would be alright.

A mere hours after we here at Life Explained broke the news about the new entrance to hell, this article from the National Geographic web page appeared on our Twitter feed.

http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2013/04/130414-hell-underworld-archaeology-mount-olympus--greece/?utm_source=Twitter&utm_medium=Social&utm_content=link_tw20130417news-hellent&utm_campaign=Content

It is always so gratifying have the hard work of our talented, dedicated staff confirmed by such a reputable source.  It looks like some world famous news magazine may have some competition for that internship.  We may need to ask for a little danish with our coffee.

Please remember, we like our coffee black and our danish cheese.

The Gates to Hell

Recently the line between reality and fantasy has been moving in and out of focus.  It becomes increasingly difficult to determine what is real, and what is an illusion.  For example, this report on MSN seemed more dream like than anchored in reality. 

"Archaeologists uncover ancient 'gate to hell' in Turkey"

 An ancient cave known as the 'gate to hell' in Greco-Roman mythology has reportedly been discovered in southwestern Turkey.

The ruins of the "gate to hell," an ancient cave to the underworld in Greco-Roman mythology, have been discovered in Turkey, Italian archaeologists have announced.
The cave, also known as Pluto's Gate, was uncovered in the ancient Phrygian city of Hierapolis, now known as the city of Pamukkale, in southwestern Turkey.
The find, announced in March at a conference on Italian archaeology in Istanbul, was made by a team led by Francesco D'Andria, professor of classic archaeology at the University of Salento, according to Discovery News.
Pluto's Gate was once believed to be, quite literally, one of the gates into the depths of hell.
"This space is full of a vapor so misty and dense that one can scarcely see the ground. Any animal that passes inside meets instant death," wrote Greek philosopher, geographer and historian Strabo, who lived between about 64 B.C. and 24 A.D.
“I threw in sparrows and they immediately breathed their last and fell,” he added.
In ancient times, the cave was said to be filled with hallucinogenic, noxious fumes — a site where animals were led to sacrifice by priests of the gods, according to Science World Report.
Amid the ruins, D'Andria's team also found the remains of a temple, a pool and a series of steps placed above the cave — all matching the descriptions of the site in ancient sources, according to Discovery News.
Christians obliterated much of the site, and earthquakes may have helped complete the destruction several years later, according to Discovery News.
The city was known for its baths fed by hot springs. D'Andria said he stumbled upon the portal by reconstructing the route of a thermal spring to the cave.
The archaeologists are now working to digitally reconstruct the site.

Of course, archaeologists digitally reconstructing the gateway to hell could be a very bad idea, despite the obvious benefits for sparrow extermination personnel around the world.  But, how bad is it?  There are the obvious theological arguments against such a move, and they carry some weight, but aside from that, what are the implications.

Of course, there will be huge demand for air conditioners, and other air handling devices.  And soft drink stocks will explode, absolutely sky rocket.  Imagine the fortunate entrepreneur who gets the bottled water concession in hell, there is a guy who is going turn a tidy little profit in a hurry.

Plus, it is likely to be a very good source of cheap labor. It is hard to imagine the minimum wage in Hades is very progressive, and they are, more or less, locked into their positions for all eternity,so training is at a minimum.  Plus, management is probably somewhat demanding, there are very few labor advocates on the other side of the River Styx.  Also, there are no worries about that all of that upward mobility that ruins so many decent, menial laborers on this side.

According to a survey of people who know a lot about money, "it could be great."  One of them even provided the following evidence to prove the potential windfall that could follow the "Grand Opening."

When asked about the problems that could be associated with such a move, they replied, "why let a little unspeakable evil and eternal suffering stand in the way of makin' a few bucks"?

Several real estate developers are looking into the feasibility of opening "UnderWorld Spa & Resort" style facilities, and there are plans for several casinos and a new airport.  Starbucks, CVS and Walgreens have, reportedly already opened several stores in the area.

Several members of Congress are planning exploratory junkets to establish their states ties to the new markets.  And the stock market has started to climb, just on potential.  

Opening this new paradise for investors, manufacturers, consumers, and vacationers is such a potential boon one has to wonder what took so long.

Just a quick note.

The posts you see and love here are also going to be displayed on

https://www.facebook.com/lifedidyounotice

This is a move to facilitate... a chance for... an opportunity to...  Well, I am not sure why I am doing it.  But, it is worth a shot, right.

I will try to cut back on the spider stories as well, but, there are no guarantees.  But, we can muscle through those together.

Thanks for reading the posts.  Stop by and like the face book page, and don't take things so seriously, it is not good for you.  I am a little worried about you.

Thank you,

Tim

Another Good Reason To Vacation in Louisville

Oh my, how peaceful.

It isn't often you get to see an Australian farm field blanketed in a chilling frost, or snow.  It is rare scene when you can think "Australia, man that place is cool."  A peaceful, scene that would make John Audubon smile, and ask for a cup of hot coffee, a visage of pristine, unspoiled beauty.  Sadly this is not one of those times.

OMG, WTF!!!

This is a scene from your worst, Australian nightmare, 1000's of "Wolf Spiders" (of course, WOLF Spiders, what did you expect, "Poodle Spiders?") running away from a flood, and all of the man eating Crocodiles and other dangerous, marine creatures (please see stonefish, box jelly fish, blue ringed octopus and even the cute, yet odd looking platypus will stick you enough venom to make you wish you had never heard of the Land Down Under), not too mention the possibility of drowning.  Though, in Australia that may be the best thing a person can hope for.

According to the National Post;

"The Australian Museum’s entomology collections manager Graham Milledge said the spiders’ behavior was known as ballooning, and was typical after spiders are forced to flee from floods.

“They often do it as a way of dispersing and getting into a new area,” Milledge told the news.com.au website. “In an event like this, they are just trying to escape the floods.”

Sydney’s Taronga Zoo said Australia’s spider population has boomed in the wet weather"

Honestly, Australia is a big place, with a lot of wide open spaces, hundreds and hundreds of miles without anything or anyone, and they decide to stop at this guys house and set up shop.  Why?  Maybe they are just jerks.  Maybe, Australian creatures think they own the place.  Perhaps they just think it is a lovely place with a wonderful view.

Remember, when planning your next trip to Australia don't go during rainy seasons, and whatever you do don't go visit this guy.

Brought to you by the Australian Ministry of Tourism.

A brief re-creation of our trip to the spring game in Lincoln

Here is a short film, depicting our recent trip to the Spring Game in Lincoln. It is only minutes and four seconds long, though, you will probably feel it was much longer, if you watch the whole thing. It would be a good idea to turn down the volume, I like music loud.

Please enjoy, or at least tolerate, and smile politely.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Somewhere in the midwest.

Dr. Dawg celebrates with a Grateful Nation.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Can I See Your Insurance Card and I.D., Please?

Recently, according to a report in the Columbus Dispatch, the Ohio Historical Society (working at the request of a Canadian researcher who is compiling a global data base of mummy x-rays and scans) sent their Egyptian mummy to a local hospital for a CT scan.

It turned into quite a procedure. The doctors jumped at the chance to use "Lamborghini of scanners," yes, it was THE "Siemens SOMATOM Definition Flash dual energy slice CT scanner." Which, according to reports, looks like a "big, white donut." Reports were not clear whether it was powder sugar or coconut glazed donut.

In less than two hours they captured over 8,400 images. Which is a significant number of pictures, so it was no surprise that they noticed an abnormality in some of the images. Being seasoned health care professionals they jumped into action.

Recognizing that time was of the essence for the 2500 year old mummy, they decided to order a a battery of thorough, expensive tests. An ambulance was summoned and the mummy was rushed across the street to the emergency room, where her priority status, due to the lack of heartbeat, and "greatly reduced brain activity" got her a place in line, to show her insurance card and I.D. to a surly counter attendant, dressed in medical garb.

After looking at her chart a doctor said, with firm, and confident authority "we need an MRI and a battery of blood tests, STAT!" As he headed to the Starbucks nestled conveniently between the ATM and the portable defibrillator.

At the time of this report the mummy was still waiting to see a doctor, or even a nurse, and was reported to say, "right now, I would be happy to see the custodian."

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

We Spare No Expense To Keep You Informed.

Another new and useful tool in the ongoing effort to keep the world safe. Sparing no expense, we here at Life, Explained have purchased BlogPress to help bring you the latest threats to your existence, plus any news we might find interesting enough to type a few words about.
Since this application will let me maneuver photos and videos on screen we are going to try to add one of each here.

Here is the actual plane we actually used to fly to Nebraska, (please note the parking ticket on the passenger side of the windshield, we all had to pitch in to pay that off before they would let us leave, the TSA is branching out a bit, sequestration has been hard on everyone) while I did not pilot the plane, I was ready, in case there were problems, and they needed help. In fact, thanks to a couple of extra cups of coffee, and a little less sleep I was in a state of hyper awareness perfect for flying or landing a plane.

And here is the plane we that flew us to Omaha taking off. It was very relaxing, if you don't mind riding inside a huge cylinder hurtling through the air.

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Maybe We Should Just Stay Indoors.

Here at Life, Explained we are willing to make any sacrifice necessary to keep you safe in a world filled with danger.  We would be willing to travel to the ends of the world, but thanks to our friend, Susan, we only had to open our Facebook page to find this latest threat to mankind, and we can do that while relaxing in our easy chair, in our slippers, without risk, in climate controlled comfort, if only our wife would bring us another cup of coffee, then we could really get some work done.

From the USA Today, 

A fisherman in Belarus was bitten to death by a beaver, and all he was doing was trying to take its picture, Sky News reports. The man spotted the beaver while fishing with friends at Lake Shestakov, but as he approached to take a photograph, the beaver bit him on the thigh. The animal managed to sever an artery, and his friends couldn't stop the blood flow.

Sky News helpfully reminds us that beavers can, of course, bite through trees. Beaver attacks are rare, though, and when they do occur, rabid beavers are generally to blame (as in the 2012 attack in upstate New York)  But just this week, a video was posted on YouTube showing a beaver going after a Russian man, reports the Telegraph, and two girls were seriously injured after being mauled by a beaver in Virginia last year.

When traveling, or fishing, always remember, that while wild animals may appear cute and cuddly and photogenic as all hell, they are just waiting for a chance to sever an artery, and seal your fate, punch your ticket to the great hereafter, leave you sleeping with fishes (who are out to get you too, coincidentally), send you to the great wildlife refuge in the sky, all dues paid.  Don't let that furry, fuzzy facade fool you, these are vicious, violent, demented, dangerous, destructive demons bent on destroying all mankind and laying claim to the entire planet as the kingdom of the animals....  Oops, sorry about that, we are just so worried about our brothers and sisters in the family of man that we get carried away sometimes.  

The point is, always ask your friend to take the picture for you, that is what friends are for.

Rampaging Chickens.

According to a report in Sioux Falls Argus Leader, "Residents will need a license to own more than six chickens in the city limit."  This article was directly above the help wanted ad for "Municipal Chicken Counters, no experience necessary."

It may be a reform that is long past due.  Perhaps the city of Sioux Falls is about to be buried alive under domestic chickens.  There are so many good reasons for this sort of legislation.

Often, though, these laws, good intentioned though they may be, have unforeseen consequences.  What is going to happen to the 7th and 8th chickens in the yard of the Smiths on 9th street?  Here is a picture taken outside of a convenience store.  Clearly, this is not what the cautious and careful members of the Sioux Falls City Council had in mind while considering this law. 


But, the chicken is out of the bag now, and a terrified nation can only hope that it gets straightened out before tourist season is completely ruined.

Please, elected officials, legislate with care, the trusting citizens of this nation depend on your Solomon like wisdom.

Riding the Rails, to Gratitude.

Those of you who stop by occasionally know I am no corporate shill (certainly, it is not a moral stand as much as the lack of opportunity. I  am constantly on the lookout for openings in the exciting field of corporate shilldom.  Of course, it goes without saying that I would be willing to start as a corporate lackey, or even corporate stooge, and work my way up.  So, if any large corporations happen to be reading this, and are in the market let me know.)   But, recently my family and I flew into Omaha, (dreadful business, that flying) and our old friend, who is completely blind, took the train, and his trip could not have worked better.

Onto the point, if anybody has made it this far, I want to express my gratitude to Amtrak.  When we called to initiate the trip the representative was well informed and thorough, making sure he had a seat on the lower level.  The train personel took such good care of our friend.  When they stopped to pick him up, on the way to Omaha, they called him by name at the station, and gently guided him to his seat.  The conductor helped him with his suitcase, and the whole thing was handled with kindness and gentleness.  And the same thing can be said of his trip home.

It was an extemely difficult thing to ask our friend to take such a leap of faith, and climb into the unknown world of a train car alone, and without assistance.  But, it turns out he was not alone, and had all of the help he needed.

So, if any of you know any high ranking officials at Amtrak please tell them how grateful I am for taking such good care of my good friend.  You have earned our undying appreciation.

More Problems with Immigration.

As the Houses of Congress come dangerously close to passing Immigration Reform Legislation (that's right, close to passing legislation, you heard it here first folks, they might actually accomplish the passing of a piece of legislation, though Vegas has the odds at 8 to 1 against, and Vegas knows a little about making odds), it would be wise to remember not all immigrants are here for wholesome purposes.  Look no further than the evidence below.

Hey, Buddy, how about a little snack.

Great Gray Owls are sneaking across the borders into Minnesota and stealing American mice!  It is widely known that Canadian mice are not as tasty, and Minnesota produces some of the finest mice stock in the world, but, dangit they are our mice.

Call your elected representative today, and put an end to the madness, it is time for Congress to go back to the petty bickering and pointless squabbling and name calling Americans have come to expect and admire.

This post brought to you by The Minnesota Mouse Association.

Rewarding Our Loyal Readers with the Freshest News.

We here at Understanding Life are committed to bringing you the newest news, without fanfare, with a sense of modesty, decorum, and professionalism.  But, we can not help but point out the recent scoop of a national news magazine.

The day after we broke the news of the face sized spiders beginning to over run Sri Lanka and India this appeared in Time magazines news feed on Facebook.

http://newsfeed.time.com/2013/04/04/oh-good-face-sized-tarantulas-discovered-in-sri-lanka/


We here at Understanding Life would like to thank Time magazine for verifying our fast breaking news, and may be able to offer them a little work, as a proof reading intern, if they will buy the coffee.

Throwing Caution to the Wind, Again.

On our way back, waiting for our flight, the flight here wasn't too bad. Of course, it wasn't without a few tense moments. Like takeoff, landing, and all of the flying in between.

It became almost surreal, when, about 20 minutes out of Chicago, the pilot announced;

"Due to  budget cuts in air traffic control personnel forced by sequestration  the tower at Midway is understaffed today. I'm afraid that this means we are going to need a little help bringing this baby home. Everybody in front of the wings please look out your windows for other airplanes, if you see one, scream, really loud. As we begin our descent those of you behind the wings will need to let me know how close I am to the ground. Passengers above the wings, you are responsible for praying, earnestly, passionately and with feeling."

It seemed a little suspect, but we made it, and it was nice to help out a little. Maybe flying on Monday will be a little easier. Also, we have decided to go through St. Louis instead. It is named after a saint, that can't hurt.  Let's hope Louis is the patron saint of reasonably priced airport food.

Oh No, This May be the Worst Yet.

More Disturbing News from the World of Wildlife.

We here at "Understanding Life" are dedicated to bringing you all of the important news, all of the things you need to know to survive. We brave the untamed Internet to track down the dangers that lurk around every corner.

It is with that mission in mind we bring you the following story.


Scientists have found a new species of tarantula as large as the average human face.
Ranil Nanayakkara and his colleagues discovered Poecilotheria rajaei, a new species of tiger spider, in northern Sri Lanka. It was first noticed in 2009, when villagers brought a spider they had killed to researchers.
"Days of extensive searching in every tree hole and bark peel were rewarded with a female and to our satisfaction several juveniles too," Nanayakkara and his colleagues said in a study about the spiders published in the British Tarantula Society Journal.
P. rajaei was named after a police inspector, Puraja, who helped the researchers locate the spider.

British Tarantula Society Journal study. New tiger spider found: P. rajaei is about the size of a human face. IMAGE

While examining the spider, the researchers noticed it didn't look quite like any of the other tiger spiders known to live in Sri Lanka because of its markings and "other significant differences." After further study, they were able to establish it as a new species.

Tiger spiders typically live in tree hollows, under rocks and, during monsoon season, in human dwellings that are close to forests. The Poecilotheria species exists only in India and Sri Lanka and is known for its colorful markings and remarkable speed – as well as its size.
Tiger spiders are large enough to eat birds, small snakes and mice and catch them using speed and potent venom, rather than webs.
Several species of Poecilotheria are endangered due to loss of habitat.





That's right, remarkably speedy, potently venomous, face sized spiders!  Curse you nature, and remarkably incompetent copy editor!  What an awful way to describe the size of a spider.  Who would even think of such a thing?!?!?

We would like to go on about this a little longer, but we feel something crawling up our leg.

Somber, sort of, happy, kind of, news.

Today we will take a more serious look at life.  Maudlin, melancholy introspection, and self doubt are the words for Monday, particularly this Monday. 

To preface, several years ago I got a phone, but not just a phone, an MP3 player, phone combination, that had a camera, and  a wifi receiver.  It was a joy, and we shared many happy memories.  Microsoft and Sharp collaborated to bring me this little marvel, the Microsoft, Kin 2M.  Oh, sure it was almost impossible to find one, three stores, an Internet search and several phone calls, and all they had to say was, "we are out, and you are out of luck."  But, a sales rep from Verizon stopped into where I work and through the black arts of electronic manipulation found one in a warehouse in Tennessee (a lovely state, by the way).  There was much celebrating.

But, a storm was brewing on the Horizon.  My youngest son got an iPod Touch, and would torment me with the it's enormous potential and ability.  "Hey, Dad, look at this, look what this 'app' will do."  I tried to be strong, but eventually my will power crumbled, and I convinced my lovely, and talented wife, (who has learned to suffer foolishness more or less gladly) that I NEEDED one.  It was great, I started making dog cartoons, and posting to blogs and facebook, and became an image addicted addict. 

But, my phone and I still shared many traits, we were both fussy, cranky, more or less working devices.  And, we still had fun, listening to music, making phone calls, sending text messages, and taking pictures.  It was still a mutual admiration and love relationship.

Darkness began to descend on our happy relationship.  We got an iPad, and things started changing, my pictures from my iPod would automatically show up on my iPad, and they shared so many apps, and it was so easy to go from one to the other.  But, the Kin was still my first love.

Tragedy struck, my oldest son got an iPhone.  Curse you!!!  The taunts were constant and merciless "Hey, dad, watch this, it is great."  Then it was all over.  What could I do, except convince my wife, the little less tolerant now, love of my life, that my life was not complete without one. 

Now, my phone is the sleek iPhone you see pictured above, and my Kin is no more, I traded it in for a $25.00 gift card, and it will never brighten my spirits again.  Damn you, frugality.  I love my new phone, but, it will never be my Kin. 

Looking back, I should have named it Richard so I could now loosely quote Steely Dan,

"We've seen the last of Good Kin Richard,
ring out the past, his name lives on."

But, I didn't, what a wasted opportunity, so I will quote Uncle Tupelo, instead, who sang,

"I'm going where there's no depression
To a better land that's free from care
I'll leave this world of toil and trouble
My home's in heaven
I'm going there"

Good bye, old Kin.  

Please, everybody, around the world, join me in a moment of silence.
PS. If you run across me on Twitter, or Instagram, or Tumblr, or, anywhere else in the virtual universe of social networking, stop by and say hello.  And, tell my wife how much my iPhone helps me make your life better, it will make her happy.