Project management, for the busy professional.

Today we are going to learn how to finish large projects almost effortlessly.  Many times a new undertaking can seem overwhelming.  What if you wanted to build a really big boat, to transport shipping containers across the ocean.  That would seem almost impossible, wouldn't it?  But, if you break it down into small parts it becomes a series of manageable, easy, fun steps.

"Hey, Bob, is that a fully functional, high capacity,
two wheel dolly, or are you just happy to see me?"

1.) Get some steel.  Shouldn't be hard.
2.) Get a really hot furnace.  Ok, that seems easy enough.
3.) Warm the steel up and bend it until it looks like a boat.

See that was not so hard, was it?  Of course, we left out a few small parts, like engines and paint, and that big thing that makes the ship turn.  But, each can be accomplished using the same careful allocation of resources.

Not everybody is lucky enough to build boats, though.  Some people are forced to labor endlessly in a privately held company, greasing the wheels of commerce, by importing and exporting designer fashion accessories, from and to places that sound interesting and exotic.  Even though, they are filled with things like cholera, E coli, scabies (we don't know what that is, but we are not going to look into it, after reading about viral hemorrhagic fevers we know everything we want to know about hideous foreign diseases, thank you).  Not to mention faced sized spiders, and aggressive, venomous snakes, and...  Sorry about that.

Anyway, some people need to labor in front of a computer monitor, turning a stack of paper into a coherent, attractive commercial invoice and packing slip, suitable for framing, or customs.  It seems a little intimidating, at first, until you think about it, and break the task into small, easy to manage steps.

First, you will need to sort the papers into the proper order.  That way your work will flow, logically, and reasonably, start to finish.

But, a cup of coffee would be good, so let's start there.  Hey, while we are up there, look to see if there are any donuts, or cookies.  If not, somebody left a frozen burrito, they will never miss it, it has been there for weeks, calling your name.  Just eat it, well first heat it up, it will be a lot better then.  Check if there is any salsa or hot sauce, we will keep an eye open for any angry burrito owners.

Next, we need to open the template for invoice creation.  You know, you should check Facebook first, see what's up.  Also, there are rumors of a video showing a bulldog, and a monkey, riding a motorcycle, wearing dresses, on YouTube, that would be funny, check it out.   As long as the internet is up, check the price of steel, and a really hot furnace, we could start building some boats, that sounds easy, and probably pretty profitable, too.

OK, on to business, check to see if there were any back-ordered items.  First, though, let's go get a Coke and some ice, that salsa was hot.

It is too late to really start anything so complicated as an invoice.  What do you say we call it a day, and Monday we will burn through the paperwork.  It has been a hectic afternoon, you must be exhausted.

Behind the scenes, and the people.

Many people have expressed great interest in the working conditions at our top secret location, nestled deep in the heart of the Midwest, depending, of course on your geographic sensibilities.  To some, this would be the East, to others it would be the North, to some it would be a great place to drive through on your way to a nice vacation.  Our freeways are top notch here, and you can zoom right by, or through, in a variety of ways.  

That is not what we are going to report on today, (but, if you need directions to Louisville, let us know).  We are going to show you around our top secret facility.  Oh, don't act so surprised.  We share lots of important stuff with you guys all of the time.  

We know, unfettered access like this may expose us to our enemies, mainly spiders, but we are willing to take that risk.

We will start at the bottom and work our way up.  Since there are so many top secrets things going on around here, and we know how difficult it is for you to keep a secret, we can only show you what people would see while they were working if they had eyes in the back of their heads.

Here is a picture of what the shipping guy would see if he had eyes in the back of his head, or woke up and turned around.  As you can see, he is set if he needs an  extra box, or postal bin.  Plus, he is safe from gunfire, as long as the assailant is less than 3 feet tall.  Which is important when you consider how many short people jokes he tells.  Like the one.  "What did the short guy say to the bartender?  Who cares, he's short."

This is the view, from the back of the facility manager's head.  It is a changing tableau of tape, boxes, product, carts.  It is actually a little intimidating, good thing he hardly ever turns around.  His focus is squarely on the future, a very good trait for a facilities manager.  Plus, he is constantly scouring the online world for new things a decent facility might need, like another motorcycle.  Or a three dimensional printer, which would be cool.  Go Facilities Manager, Go!

Here we have the view behind our assistant manager in charge of assistance.  His view is clear down at the other end of the building, so we are not sure if he is still alive or not.  Maybe we should email him, or walk down there and see.  I'll just email.  Note to self, ask for a golf cart.

 If our tech guy would turn around this is what he would see, but he is kind of busy.  He has the company record at Angry Birds, Top Secret Facilities addition, and has no plans on relinquishing his title.  Even if he has to sabotage a few a network connection or two.  So if your computer quits working you will know why.




There are three people in our customer service department.  They are wonderful people, unique, delightful, and charming.  Plus, they have fantastic areas behind them.  It is a little sad to think that no one can remember their names.  In fact we just call them Tweedle One, Tweedle Two and Tweedle Three.  That is only a joke, we know and love them all.  Especially... uh... um... you know the one one, she sits kind of in the middle, you know, wears glasses, drives a car, what is her name again?  It is right there, I can almost hear it.

Behind our accounting department is this gem.  You might wander how an organization as large and important as Life Explained can get by with an accounting department of 1.  Simple, a lot of our accounting is done in off shore banks that are not as fussy about "regulations," "tax codes, "laws" and "jail time." Of course, that is only a little accounting humor.   We are law abiding, regulation loving tax payers.  At least until our 501 3c exemption comes through.





Last, and certainly not least, the back of the Big Kahuna.   Clearly, she has a huge fan club, a hard core group of fanatical enthusiasts who watch her every move, waiting with joyful anticipation of her next move.  It is easy to understand.  She is a ten fingered typist, and sometimes hits 100,000 words per minute.  Her computer has been seen begging for mercy.  And the crowd behind her will give the "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" depending on the mood.

Finally a little outside attention.

Big news, we here at life explained have picked up our first commercial sponsor.  Or it might just be some sort of spammer, we are not sure.  But, we want to thank Albina N Mura of State Finance for so generously posting a link to some sort of commercial lending institution in her comment on the "Finally, a Breakthrough in Campaign Finance Reform."

I am not sure it is the best place to get a loan, or if they actually give loans at all, but, there is a link attached, so thoughtfully, by Ms. Mura, who is either a wonderful, generous benefactor, or an underhanded criminal bent on bilking you of your life savings.

We certainly are not going to click on the link to see.  But, if you are brave enough, and decide to borrow a little from Ms. Mura's company, please specify you would like a portion of your interest payment to go to "The Life Explained Group o' Fine Charities, a Good Place to Send Some Money."

Either way, it is exciting to think we have become important enough to draw the attention of successful companies, or filthy criminals, it means we are on the right track.  This is almost as exciting as when we thought we were under attack from the Chinese Cyber Army, man that was cool, until the intern from marketing confessed to posting a video of his Grandma's cat, eating cantaloupe, which was kind of cool, so it was hard to be too mad at him.

Hey, thank you, ladies,

Saturday, I went shopping for clothes with my wife.  I was all coffeed up, feeling bold and vigorous, and unstoppable, women's clothing department at Kohl's be damned.  Here I come.

Things went pretty well, for the first while.  But, slowly I noticed the shoppers moving in coordinated patterns.  Sure, it looked random, but a practiced eye could see trouble forming.  With each rotation around the sale racks the circle was getting smaller, the trap was closing, the garrote was tightening.

Fortunately, I had seen this movie before and made a mad dash to the safety of the aisle.  I could hear several of the women hissing as they glared at me, just out of their reach.

My wife came over and said she was going to the other end of the department.  So, I went along.  When we arrived I did a quick recon of the layout.  Good lines of sight, a lot of room to maneuver, this would be pretty safe.

Standing, watching, waiting, I was caught completely off guard by a woman who managed to fly in under my radar.  Crashing wildly through the golf skirts from Ralph Lauren, she clipped the mannequin wearing the Gloria Vanderbilt evening gown and sent it into the display of capri pants for misses.  Turning the corner she gathered speed and was bearing down on my position behind the "tank tops and summer blouses" display.

Thinking quickly, I waited until she was less than a meter from my position, and stepped deftly behind the Jennifer Lopez fitted jeans.  I had a clear shot to the safety of the aisle.

But, at the last minute two women cut off my escape, each swearing that the dress they had seen last week was "right over here" and both pointing in a different direction.

I had no time to spare, they were blocking my exit the and the baby stroller had recovered and was gathering momentum at the swimwear display.  "Ladies," I said, "they are giving away shopping machetes at the service counter to the first 25 customers."  That was all it took, they took off running like motorcycles, and I had the safety of the aisle.

Right across the way was the cologne and perfume counter where I saw a bottle of "Hugo" and that made me think of Victor Hugo, which reminded me of "Jump Jump" by Garland Jeffries, so I logged into iTunes and bought the song, right there, next to the combat zone of the women's wear department.  Life is funny that way sometimes.

For your enjoyment, I bring you the newest addition to my iPhone.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUCCOBbm40I

Good news, life explained on Flickr

Recently, I received an email from Flickr saying they were giving users a terabyte of storage.  Wow, what a thrill.  I couldn't wait to start snapping photos, uploading little moments of life, frozen in time, immortalized.  A small gift to the future.  When my sons get older they are going to be thrilled, I reasoned.  It was such a significant, important, momentous occurrence I shared it, with everyone.

My wife said, "oh, that's nice."  My kids said, "yeah, whatever dad."  My coworkers just asked if I had seen their coffee cup, water bottle, or note pad.  The guy who was fortunate enough to be using the other side of the gas pump at Speedway when I fueled my car was very animated and passionate, gesturing wildly with his hands and pumping his fist in the air while saying "that is great, fantastic," over and over again.  But, when I tried to go into the finer points of my "plan o' posterity" he turned, (that is when I noticed the blue tooth ear piece) got in his car and drove away.  It was kind of an honor that he had shared my remarkable good fortune and fantastic idea with his phone companion.



It is not enough to have a great idea (Lord knows I have thousands of them popping into my head at all times) implementation is critical.  It is foolish to begin a job without the proper tools, so for my birthday I asked for and received this wonderful zoom lens for my iPhone.  What better way to capture some of those moments that are a little distant?  Other than walking over and taking the picture, of course.  No need for locomotion when you have this bad boy, a 8x Black Telephoto Manual Focus Telescopic Camera Lens with Tripod.  A memory can be cherished from the comfort of your lawn chair, you don't even need to put down your beer.

Nothing is more annoying than looking at all of those pictures with names like "img 422513."  No description, no names, nothing, just a picture.  t..  With a blue tooth sliding keyboard this is a breeze.  It makes adding long, informative descriptive paragraphs fun.  Yes, a picture is worth a 1,000 words, but, a little back story doesn't hurt.  Now my pictures are worth at least 1,075 words and sometime they top 1,100 words.


Well, I have to run.  I have photos to take and share with a world starved for good news.  Look for me on flickr.com you will know it is me when you see the detailed explanation of each photo.

It isn't what you know, it's who.

Several years ago about this time of year we were on vacation.  My brother in law asked if I wanted to take part in a fantasy football league.  Heck yes, I am a guy, and I know one end of a football from the other (that does not sound quite right, but you know what I mean).  So, thinking this was my ticket to the big time I started researching.  What are the benefits of a "cover two," and how do you defend the middle of the field.  What is the best way to counter a "safety blitz" from the left side of the formation and still get your tail back into the flat as an outlet receiver?  What stadium has the best nachos in the US?  I left no internet football site unexplored.  I knew more about Andy Reid than his MD.  I was ready.  When the time came he emailed the link to my sons and me.

First thing you have to do in fantasy football; draft your team.  What!!!  I don't know anything about the best tight end, and if he hasn't been dating a Kardashian, or in a shouting match with the police, or winning some award of some kind, I have probably never heard of most players in any position.  There are so many of them.  Needless to say, I just guessed.  Well, that is OK, I will make up for my lack of player evaluations with superior coaching.

The really good part, is I have teenage sons who could help me with the parts of the league I didn't understand.  "Dad, you aren't doing it right, you are going to get slaughtered" was the extent of the help.

After two and a half months of endless days, and sleepless nights the draft ended, and I had me a pretty solid little team, built around an offensive line of impressive players.  It didn't matter that I knew nothing about any of them, or anybody else on the team.  There were enough guys, and that was the important thing.

We went into the first week feeling pretty good about our chances, me and my little team of nameless, faceless, unheard of potential superstars.  It was all decided by statistical comparisons, and my vast knowledge of spread offenses and defensive packages designed to fool even the most seasoned of quarterbacks availed me naught.

My team was destroyed.  But, there was hope, we could trade with other "coaches."  Nobody would answer my emails.  It was like high school all over again.  Only with email.

Soon, my players began faking injuries.  It was an epidemic of artificial agony that swept through the NFL.  Real NFL players were acting hurt just to avoid being on my fantasy team.

Out of 12 teams I finished 15th.  The NFL sent me a "cease and desist order" and every time I drive through the small community where my sister and brother in law live people line the streets to take my picture.  I am kind of a celebrity.

Things were tough back in the old days.

Previously, on Life Explained, you learned that someone celebrated their 54th birthday.  And, you heard that life was a lot different, a lot more difficult back then, and it was, but, thanks to several recent lawsuits, and the "declassification" of several "top secret" documents we are finally able to bring you the "truth."

In those days you had to be tough to survive.  The birthing coach was there to help the infant, not the mother, she was an adult, and had to take care of herself.  First thing, when you were born, the birth coach would hand you a revolver so you could defend yourself.  There were only two bullets in the weapon, money was scarce, so you had to decide quickly who presented the biggest potential threat.

As I leaped out, the birth coach tossed the revolver up in the air, thinking quickly I performed the classic leap, grab the gun, land, roll, come up behind the bassinet, and fire off a quick round.  Bang, I managed to pick off the obstetrician, who had stopped to reload and pour another scotch.  People drank a lot more back in those days.  One down.

Scanning the delivery room quickly, I spotted the next biggest threat, the head nurse, she was holding an AR15 complete with sniper scope and there was a red dot on my little Dr. Denton's, right in the middle of the panda's forehead, stupid thing was like a black and white target, right over my heart.  Reacting, without taking the time to think, I pushed over the changing table and lobbed a flash bang, lead nurse, red dot, and problem all removed with one well place toss.  Home free, I thought, and still had a bullet to spare.

Just as I was preparing to call a taxi to take me home to meet the rest of the family automatic weapon fire broke out, I had to act fast.  The anesthesiologist was using a 50 cal to lay down suppressive fire while the midwife was low crawling in an effort to flank my position. It was very accurate, too, considering the lit cigarette hanging from corner of his mouth.  People smoked a lot more in those days.  I didn't know how long the diaper cart would hold up under the withering storm of lead.

This could spell big trouble for our little hero.  Firing my last bullet I only managed to hit the doctor in the arm, just a flesh wound, and while it probably hurt, a lot, and there was an elevated risk of infection, and staph is nothing to mess with, it would take weeks for him to die from that, and I did not have that much time.

Fortunately, under the delivery table the last group of caring physicians and staff had forgot to take their light antitank weapon.  I rolled under the table, grabbed the tube, popped up on one knee, and with an impressive shot, leading to an even more impressive explosion, the cover fire was eliminated.  I threw a scalpel, impaling the midwife, causing her hookah to fall, and the water to spill dousing the floor in brown, stinking water.  People toked a lot more weed back in those days.

Thinking I was finally safely born, I sat back to enjoy the soft crackling of an oxygen fed, operating room fire.

Wait, what was that noise, oh crap, that sounds like 81 mm mortar fire.  Dang the luck, nobody said anything about "indirect fire capabilities."  What's next, an airstrike?

Fortunately, Mom woke up, threw the surgeon off the gurney in the hallway, he fell to the floor, breaking his hypodermic syringe, people used a lot more intravenous drugs in those days.  Grabbing me, the complimentary diapers, a bottle of Canadian whiskey and a few cartons of Lucky Strikes, she wrapped us all up in a sheet, threw the whole bundle on the  gurney and we beat feet out of there.  Thanks Mom.

Kids today have it pretty easy, you know?

Ah, the good old days.

Sometime today I will be 54 years old.  It used to seem like 54 was old, and anybody who actually lived that long was probably very lucky, took very good care of themselves and was either on a transplant list for something, or in cryogenic storage, waiting for some fortunate soul to discover the Fountain of Youth. Now, it seems pretty young (heck, most days I still feel like a child, no more than 48).  Everything is relative.  Our view of the world depends on where we are.

I am old enough to "remember" when everything was better, athletes, music, television, movies, all of it, a golden age of life too powerful for any of today's generation to endure, let alone understand.  Of course, on the few occasions I run across someone even older than me they tell me how good things were in their youth.  Maybe, they are right, maybe "progress" is not helping.  Maybe we need to look into stagnation for a while.

Albert Einstein is supposed to have said, "technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal."  Well, that does not sound like a very good idea, and considering how much the man helped with the progress of technology lends a little weight to his words.  So, what can we do?

I am glad you asked, because I have a plan, 54 years in the making.  One day every week we turn off all of electronic devices.  Cell phones, tablets, lap tops, televisions.  Everything needs to be shut off.  Don't use the microwave, or oven, grill all of your food, or better yet, eat it raw?

Timing is critical, nobody wants this to happen on a really good television day, last night was game 5 of the NBA finals, (never mind that sports used to be infinitely better when I was young, like everything else) and nobody should have to miss something like that.  And, if you need to check scores you can switch on one internet connected device up to twice a day.  These are important things.

If you are checking the scores on your cell phone, you might as well check your text messages, and voice mails, oh well take a quick peek at emails as well.  Since you have gone this far it would probably be all right to make a few quick phone calls.

Hey, don't forget to post that picture of yourself wearing the beer vendor racing uniform, complete with flashing police light helmet, driving that golf cart down the drag strip, that one is great.  Nobody will top that!  Here, let me start my phone, so I can be the first one to like it.

While you were posting that picture I saw that the original Godzilla vs. Mothra is on TV in 20 minutes.  What do you say we fire up the blender, whip up some margaritas, make some nachos, and microwave popcorn and call it a party?  I love that movie.

Well, that is all we have time for today, don't forget to tune in tomorrow when we discuss how to decrease your carbon foot print by starting a bicycle delivery service, and how to get home after delivering the bike.  Spoiler alert, have your friend pick you up in his huge SUV.

A plan to help everybody,

There have been many concerns with the Federal Government data mining our wireless carriers and collecting information about our lives, friends, habits, desires, down to what we purchase, and what we have planned.  Most of these concerns are valid and should be addressed.  Of course, we as Americans will quickly forget it happened and our Government being our Government will say a few solemn words, offer some meager defense, and carry on, and perhaps even expand the program.

We here, at Life Explained, are nothing if not realists, and we just want you to understand the way things work, that is why we work so diligently to bring you the latest news.  We are also not adverse to saving a few bucks when we can, and helping our friends in the government bring themselves closer to solvency at the same time.  That is why we are going to offer another chance for cooperation, another opportunity for increasing revenue without raising taxes, and offering the citizens of this great nation a helping hand, all while taking a hand out.

Here is how it should work.  You get online, and read some articles about vacationing in Key West.  So, you look into flights, rental cars, hotel rooms, all of the things required to start planning a dream trip.  It will be great.  Your whole family will be so excited

Before you can start clipping coupons for sunscreen you get a call.

"Hello, this is the National Security Agency, Tour and Travel Division.  We couldn't help but notice you are planning a little getaway to Florida on the 27th.  That is a great idea.  You really need it, after that scathing email from the CFO yesterday.  That guy is a jerk sometimes."  A friendly, reassuring voice says.

"We would like to save you a few dollars on your motel.  Using the buying power of the Federal Government, we can save you 10% on your motel rooms, and get you upgraded to a mid size on your rental car.  How does that sound?"  The voice asks, you can sense the excitement, a civil servant who loves their job.

"Great, I guess.  What do I have to do?"  Is all you can muster.  It seems so strange, a government employee trying to be helpful.

"Just book your tour with us, and the savings are automatic.  Plus, you get the option to choose where your government spends the profits.  Many people are choosing the "Balance the Budget option B" but another popular choice is the "New Weapons for the Next Millenium option C"  You will get a full brochure, as soon as the credit is processed."

This is great!  Naturally, you jump at the chance.

The voice adds, "judging by your last checkup you should probably get a new swimsuit, they are on sale at CostCo, and I can send you a coupon for an additional savings of $5.00, oh and the results came back from the biopsy, and they were benign.  Also, you might want to talk to your son.  He is thinking of getting a tattoo."

   

A wanted man.

Yesterday I received the phone call we have all been dreading since news of the data mining by the federal government broke.  That's right, a spokesperson from Verizon called and said the NSA had asked them to cease forwarding my information.  They felt the only threat posed by my phone use was boredom.

"But, I'm a pretty desperate guy," I pleaded.

"Sure, you are, Mr. Clark."  The spokesperson said, right before the line went dead.

Well, I enjoyed being surveilled, suspected, watched while it lasted.  I still have the red light cameras looking out for me, fully aware of the menace I may become.

Give me a break.

An article on Learning-Mind.com states that there is an item on Discovery.com (A quick, very quick, search of Discovery.com yielded no fruit, it might be there but we have no proof, but what the heck, there is some great stuff there, so look away) which states that scientists from Kazakhstan believe that humans were designed by an alien race.  Specifically, they reference human DNA as containing a "biological SETI."

According to the article DNA is constructed in such a way that it looks like a "set of numerical and ideographic standards of a symbolic language."  In short, they feel, humans were created outside our solar system several billion years ago.


Obviously, this would have had to be a very advanced race, with abilities we could never hope to understand.  Designing a race of beings and spreading the seeds across the vastness of time and space is quite an accomplishment, and it would require knowledge and wisdom beyond our imagination.

Of course, since I was just at the dentist yesterday, I have my doubts.  They can encode DNA and send life across the heavens, but they couldn't come up with something better than teeth?!!??   Any decent endurance engineer could have come up with a much better solution.  So, Kazakhstan scientist, it is time you found another theory, this one has just been squashed.

Another plan crushed by cruel reality.

As my loyal readers know today I had a dentist appointment.  As they could further tell you, I had an almost fool proof plan to wrest control of the situation from the dentist, avoiding expensive and painful procedures.

It is possible that the dentist read my blog post, "The Dental Games," and played a variant of the classic "Smack your plan in the face opening."  

After my teeth were cleaned and I was mentally preparing my assault my dentist pulled a fast one.  To my frustrated surprise my dentist sent his henchman and assistant dentist Dr.Josephine Kevorkian to check my teeth.  She is a woman of action, an intimidating mixture of dentist, enforcer, and executioner, who uses a riding crop to examine molars and a monocle to read x-rays.

With an air of satisfaction, and a terrifying sense of dominance she said "you need a filling and maybe a better attitude, Mr. Funny Guy."  Oddly, I have found over the years when people call me funny guy they don't mean it as a compliment. 

So, I said ok, scheduled my appointment, thanked them all, and went on my way.  There is always next time.

The Dental Games.

It is that time again, that dreadful, awful, cursed time, again.  Today, I have a dental appointment.  Oh, it is only a "routine" cleaning, and a "checkup."  But, it is also summer, which means it is almost vacation time for the dental practice.  This spells big trouble, because somebody needs to pay for the plane tickets to some exotic, expensive place.  Here is my plan, after the hygienist is finished and the doctor walks in, before he can wash his hands and flip down his face guard I am going to strike.

"So, Doc, any big plans for the summer?"  I will call him Doc, it is a psychological ploy to put him at ease, lower his guard, assure him that we are friends, and we can talk, like friends, about our vacation plans.  I would call him Johnny, but his name is Frederick, and it might make him angry, and the last thing you want is an angry dentist digging around in your mouth.  If you had ever met my dentist you would know that Freddy is right out of the question.  Doc is probably as familiar as I should push it.  Trust me.  (Kings Pawn to Kings Pawn 4, the classic Chechnov Opening. Careful, but aggressive)

He will look at the x-rays, briefly and look at his hands, and say something like "oh, we are going to Jerusalem, and spend a week, then on the way back we are going to stop in Spain to catch a bull fight, maybe swing by London and have some fish and chips, nothing spectacular, we're trying to save a little money so we can go into space with Richard Branson.  Thanks, for asking, Tim."  (He advances his Queens Knight to Queens Bishop 3, looking for an opening)

Here is where I will deploy Plan A.

"Wow, Doc, that sounds like a root canal, and a new crown, doesn't it?"  He will be stunned that I have seen through his little gambit.  He will look at his hygienist and then glance at the rubber gloves, hanging loosely in his hands.  Unsure how to proceed, at a loss for the next move.  (He thinks about advancing his queen, but instead makes a wasted pawn move Kings rooks pawn ahead one, then lays down, a little worried)

Then I will move my Queens Rook to Kings Bishop Seven.  "Let's cut to the chase doc, a root canal is going to cost my insurance company and me about $1200.00 (mostly me) and it will run you upward of $75.00, right?"  Check!!!!

"Well, Tim, you, I, we, maybe..."  He will stammer, his eyes beginning to glaze, his breathing is rapid and shallow, he is not used to being on defense, and it scares him.

"Here is what I am going to do for you, doc, (please, note the lower case d, just to show him who has the upper hand now), I am going to write you a check for five hundred simoleans and you are going to run along and find yourself a new patsy."  Queen take Kings Knight, Check Mate!!!!

"Oh, and I would like the late appointment next time, if you don't mind, thanks.  See you guys in six months."

Now, that is a plan, I can't wait to go see my MD next month.  He will need the blood pressure medicine when that check up is over.

Danger is everywhere.

One of the overriding responsibilities of Life Explained is safe guarding the planet and it's inhabitants.  When a threat appears we feel you, our loyal readers, should know about it right away.  

While researching the yin yang eggs we had to brave the wilds of Academy Park in the Northern Province of Gahanna, in the territory of Columbus, in the State of Ohio, (home to several Asian restaurants, and carry outs, not the park, but Gahanna) we came across this pack of wild dogs.  It was very tense, and frightening, beyond belief.  Fortunately, we were on kick scooters, and we scooted like demons out of there.   

If you run across these wild dogs, and you are not on kick scooters, please, throw out some pig's ears, or Dingo brand snacks, they love those. 

Breakfast for the soul.

Recently a friend, and faithful reader, and on the ground reporter, and a person who should probably consider writing a guest post sent me this picture. It was her breakfast, and it had formed into the Yin Yang symbol. She was curious to know why this had happened and if it held any significance. Since, diving into the difficult, where angels fear to tread, we agreed to find out. Turns out that Eastern Philosophy and symbolism is very difficult, and easy to misinterpret, but hey, that never bothered us before, right?

Yin Yang represents the forces of life held in balance. Good, evil, life death, whites, yolks, toast, butter, bacons, eggs (we are still trying to balance the marmalade with something, we knew this was not going to be easy). Obviously, this is a very good sign for our friend, reporter, and an amazingly talented and artistic chef, in her own right.

We asked several experts in Eastern Philosophy, and they all said the same thing, "c'mon, you're not trying to convince that me she was actually up in time for breakfast, seriously.  What kind of fool do you take me for?"




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Surprising Sensory Environments, by the hour.

According to the Miami Herald a wealthy socialite was attacked and beaten by a gang of hookers in an upscale South Beach hotel, a hotel whose website claims "escape to where iconic design and contemporary luxury set the stage for exclusive and extraordinary experiences."  And offers a "retreat to surprising sensory environments where amplified entertainment, vibrant lounges, modern guestrooms and innovative cocktails and cuisine create more than just a hotel experience but a lifetime luxury destination."

Of course, the Herald goes on to report that the socialite, who was allegedly mistaken by the prostitutes as one of the practitioners of their own profession, was pummeled and thrown face first against a stone wall as hotel employees watched.

The husband, a few feet ahead of his wife, was forced to come to her rescue using the crutches he needs to walk.  Thank goodness he had the foresight to be injured.

Later in the article we learn that the '"prostitute friendly' hotel put the call girls in a taxi to help them escape before the police arrived."

A hotel spokesperson declined to comment on whether "prostitute friendly" would qualify as "amplified entertainment" or part of the "surprising sensory environment."  And, at last check Trip Adviser was undecided about adding a new category to it's popular hotel rating system.

National Donut Day.

Great News Everybody, it is National Donut Day!

I know this to be true, because this morning I stopped at Dunkin Donuts to get a cup of coffee, and they gave me a free donut.  Of course, there were requirements I had to buy a cup of coffee.  But, that was the plan anyway.  Anybody who knows me could tell you, I love free stuff, and I love donuts, so imagine my ecstasy at a free donut.

Of course, I played it cool.  When I saw the sign I acted like it was no big deal.  Nonchalant, casual, unconcerned, on the outside I was relaxed, almost lethargic.  On the inside I was in hyper-drive my mind quickly starting crunching the numbers.   Inside somersaults, outside, maybe I will take a free donut, maybe I won’t.

“Let’s see,” I thought, “ a small coffee is 10 ounces and cost $1.40, that means a 14₵ and ounce, and a large is 20 ounces and costs $1.90 so that means 9.5₵ an ounce now we factor in an 89₵ delicious, made in heaven donut, and that changes the equation, first, we add the cost to the per ounce cost, no wait, we will need to add it to the total cost, hold on, it needs to be added to the unit price after deducting the cost of…”

By now the counter person was getting a little irritated.  “Are you all right, sir?  Can, I help you, sir?  Are you sure you are all right, sir?”  I panicked.  “Give me a large coffee and a free donut, please.”

I don’t even remember what kind I got, but it was delicious.  So, rush out, get your free donut, (you won't regret it) and a coffee, I will wait here.

How do they even have time with furlough days?

According to the New York Daily News Verizon has been providing the federal government with the phone records of all customers who live in the US.   Many are taking offense at this.

T-Mobile, Sprint and AT&t are now seeking a class action lawsuit demanding that the National Security Agency subpoena their records as well.

According to AT&T spokesperson Katie Nagus her company was "bruised by this slap in the face.  We have customers, too you know?  And some of them are pretty shady."

Sprint issued a public statement claiming "We have several customers who may be up to no good, and they feel completely ignored by the very government that is supposed to be intruding in their lives."

One T-Mobile ne'er do well, who tearfully requested anonymity, said "why do I even bother with all of these complicated conspiracies involving violent overthrow of the established order, funded by kidnapping, extortion and robbery, when the people who are so willing to take my taxes don't even care.  I might as well just get a job."

Several lawyers representing the "little three" were lined up outside of the National Security Agency headquarters holding boxes of customer telephone records, demanding they be sifted through for any suspicious activity.  In the background a small army of protesters were sitting up tents, painting signs demanding government scrutiny and making s'mores, man those things are great!

Contest!

We here at Life Explained have been researching many ways to promote the blog.  Only with the most noble intentions, of course.  Think of the lives we could irrevocably alter with increased viewership, of course, we may be able to bring in a few advertisers as well, and make a little coin off the deal, we consider that very noble.

By the way, we are still interested in a corporate stooge position if any very large, extremely profitable corporations that pay exorbitant, ridiculous salaries are interested.  We are willing to negotiate on company car and expense account, we are reasonable, after all.

Sorry, we got off track.  In an effort to increase page views, public awareness and the quality of life for the citizens of the world, we are having a contest.  Calm down, we know it is exciting, but get a hold of yourself, you are making us nervous.

After a heated debate between the legal department, accounting, marketing, the technical people, customer service the custodians, and Pipe Fitters Union 472 West London, (the Fightin' Plumbers of Central OH) (we are not sure how they got involved, but they bought some donuts and coffee so we let them take part in the decision).  It was acrimonious, but finally we decided to give away an autographed copy of our book.

We have not decided which book, yet, Sara from Marketing thinks it should be a Gothic romance novel with ghosts, and maybe pirates, but Ted the lead custodian is leaning toward "The Watchers," by Dean R. Koontz.  It will be great, whatever it is.

To enter all you need to do is guess which number we are thinking, it is between 1 and 75.  Email your guess to tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com.  We will announce the winner next Tuesday, or Wednesday, it depends on which day we can actually think of something decent to post.

Thank you, enter as often as you wish, within reason, don't just guess every number, that would be more work than it is worth, and we are not going to read them all anyway, we are way too busy.

Thank you, your dedicated Life Explained, staff.

Wouldn't that make a great movie

Watching the watchers,

Wanted Full Time Babysitter

Location:  Washington DC, our nations capitol, the center of power.

Responsibilities:  Must be able to watch and DISCIPLINE all elected officials, their staff, and interns.  Sadly the situation has been unsupervised for so long that the childish antics and petulant behavior has reached shameful proportions.  If you have read "Lord of the Flies" think of that, with infants.  There is no cooperation, or compromise.

This is not a job for the timid, extensive use of "time outs" will be required, and it may be necessary to actually spank many of them right on their seats of power.

Please send resume, and picture of time out stool, and spanking belt to "we, the people."

Time for another update (or I can't think of anything new today, sorry)

We don't like to brag about the power of the blog, or the influence Life Explained has over people, but, here is a little story our friend John (remember John, http://tim-thingsastheyare.blogspot.com/2013/04/today-we-are-going-in-little-different.html) told us today.  He was driving to work and stopped at McDonald's for breakfast, as is normally the case, he went through the drive through.  When he pulled up to window the person working there said, "you don't owe anything, the woman in the car ahead of you paid for yours."  And he added, "she read about you and your twitter account on the internet, and she thinks she is in love with you."  OK we made up the last bit, the part about the internet and the love.  But, the rest is true, at least according to John.  If you have any questions for John, please feel free to email him at tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com, and we will make sure he gets them.

Brian, of the recent gardening post, it was only yesterday so I am not going to post the link here, wanted a small point clarified.  The planter so accurately labeled "herbs, we think," was actually rainbow carrots, which apparently is a mix of different colored carrots, we think.  We apologize to Brian and his carrots, we think.

Recently we recorded a series of programs on television.  It was a series that could have been custom made for Life Explained entitled "Man Eating..." followed by alligator, squid, and one other aquatic animal that escapes us for the moment.  We intend to watch them as soon as we can wrest control of the remote from the fiends inhabiting our house.  But, that led to the great Life Explained debate, how do you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?

After extensive research, and a thorough examination (from a safe distance, of course) we have decided there is no difference.  Please look closely at the scientific evidence below.

Alligator

Crocodile

What did we tell you?

Plotting to grow a garden.

Herbs, we think.

My friend Brian is ambitious and fearless. He got married, and if that weren't enough, had a child (though, I have never had a daughter, maybe it is easier) and decided to grow his own vegetables, and we think some herbs (not his own Herb Sendeks, head coach of the Arizona State Devils basketball team, but cilantro, and stuff, though rumor has it that Herb Sendek is on the "hot seat" and may need a job, soon , I am not sure Brian can afford to pay that much, even for a fully mature Herb). We intend to find out which herbs are there and issue a full report.

Please note the plants, an important part of any garden.

To Brian, it is not just a garden, it is a passion.  He speaks, glowingly, about his vegetables, and builds little wooden enclosures so they can not escape.  If that isn't enough, he puts them in little cages, or ties them to wooden sticks.

Brian makes homemade soups, stews and sauces, from his freshly picked tomatoes, carrots, onions and vegetables to be named later.  It is almost like being friends with the Amish.  Maybe we need a "Brian Mafia" show.  It would not be much of a show, Brian is pretty relaxed about most things.  Though, a show about a polite, one man mafia, growing stuff in Central Ohio might be just what the country needs to get past the scandals and division of this century.  It might be just what we need to bring the us closer together, thank you, Brian.

More Plants

Brian takes no shortcuts with his gardening, either, he starts the plants from seeds, and nurses them through early childhood.  Often he does this with seeds pulled from the previous years garden.  Which is not only thrifty, but danged difficult, too.  Brian laughs in the face of difficulty, politely and with good manners of course.

There is no way, anymore to list all of the things that are grown in the Garden Of Brian, no one knows for sure.  It is a lot, a salad bar. in the ground, without the dressing, croutons, cheese and other things that are so difficult to grow in this climate.  Don't worry, though, he is working on those, in his top secret, underground horticultural lab.  Next year he hopes to add a little crouton bush and maybe a shredded cheddar tree, both are still in development.

You are not going anywhere

Of course, as with any enterprise worth the effort, growth is crucial to success, so there are plans to add chickens to the operation.  The timetable on this is a little sketchy, but as soon as we know we will post it here.  We are trying to talk him out of cattle, with limited success so far.

But, if you see a smiling person, too nice to be in the mafia, holding a shovel and sporting a green thumb it is probably Brian.  Say hello, and tell him how nice his garden looks.  And ask him what kind of herbs he is growing, please.

"Siri, save my Monday."

Though, a proud citizen of the 21st century (that is the right century, isn't it?) it is only reluctantly that I embrace new technology.  Yes, I loved my iPod, such a wonderful, useful device, and that love led to the purchase of my beloved iPad, what a glorious, useful, and transcendent piece of electronic equipment, (kind of a big iPod) which, in time, caused the leap off the fiscal cliff into the purchase of one of the most unique, glorious tools ever, an iPhone 5 (kind of like an iPod that makes phone calls).

This morning, however, on my drive to work, (yes, it is another story about my drive to work, sorry, but it is a very important part of my day, for one thing, I love my job, and my car, and my phone, which plays music right through my car, without being attached by wires, that still kills me!) I realized a very glaring weakness in the programming of all electronic music storage devices.  The shuffle function, sometimes, goes a little "buggy" (sorry for the techie jargon, I will try to be more careful) and plays all of the wrong songs. It spits out music that is completely inappropriate for the occasion.  It should know better than melancholy, sad, depressing music on Monday morning.  It should automatically pick something with some tempo, some back beat, something to get the foot tapping, and blood circulating.

Picking up my phone and quickly realizing that the "next" (again, sorry for all this tech stuff, please forgive me) option was useless, it was just going to pick sorrow filled, tear stained music, I started looking for a song.  I had a great one in mind.  But, I was driving almost 75 miles an hour (16 kilograms in Europe) and came very close to killing myself and the person in the Ford Fiesta next to me, sorry about that, you looked like a such nice little old lady, until you gave me the middle finger salute, and I can't read lips, but, you should be ashamed of yourself.  I had it coming, though.  Deciding that picking my own song while driving was not the best idea, I am a quick learner that way, I resigned myself to listening to "This Traveling Around," by Lyle Lovett, and try to snap myself out of it with extra coffee.

Then it hit me, Siri!  She was waiting in my phone, just aching to help me.  "Siri," I said, "how about we listen to "Supernaturally," by Nick Cave?"

Siri said, "Ok, let's listen to 'Supernaturally'" and it started playing.  Technology is great.  I love it!  And I love you, Siri.  I may leave my wife for you, she never lets me pick the song.

If my wife reads this, I am only kidding, you are still the girl in all my dreams.  And your lasagna is heavenly.

Life on the edge.

Honestly, there is a lot of trouble in the world today. But, there are also some very promising developments, and wonderful opportunities for happiness, and joy.




Example 1. A small plane crashed into an apartment building in Virginia, and no one was seriously injured. Which seems almost a miracle. As the pilot "deplaned" he was quoted as saying "I think we hit your apartment," yes he could have apologized, that would have been nice, but at least he did not try to cover it up. A less honest person might have tried, "hey, you can't keep a plane in your apartment." Or, "look, I love that commercial," while pointing at the TV as he ran out the front door. We can be grateful for honest people flying planes, not about flying into apartments, of course.


Example 2. Templeton Rye, man I love that stuff. It is so smooth and tasty. I will be traveling to the midwest soon and plan to buy a couple of bottles, if there are any to be found. It is so popular, and difficult to find. So, any body who owns a liquor store along I74 or I80 in Iowa stash a few bottles and let me know where you are. I will be there in July. Thanks, you are the best.

More good things to follow, if there are any to be found.

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