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Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Just in at the Life Explained office.




The Year in Review continued.

Yesterday, we left off with a reference to free breakfasts, which is really what makes life worth living.  Of course my doctor might say "sure free breakfast is good, but how about some oatmeal, or fresh fruit?"  Well, Doctor Killjoy, how about I eat that when I am not on vacation?  This guy is cooking up some omelets that would make a strong man weep, and you want me to have some cantaloupe?  I don't think so!  Lose some weight, eat more fiber, get more exercise, take your medicine, man that is all that guy does, nag, nag, nag, what the heck am I paying him for if I have to do all of the heavy lifting to stay healthy, what do I need a doctor for if I spend all of this time taking care of myself, what good is insurance, if I have to...  Anyway, on to other highlights.

Breakfast was not the only good thing that happened last year (though, it was good) there were other momentous events as well, there was a trip to a Catholic Festival, where I almost won my weight in chips playing Black Jack, almost, I actually lost twenty dollars, but it was just a few ill timed cards that kept me from winning a king's ransom.  Missed it by that much.  Fear not, I have been working on my intuition, and next year I am cleaning them out.  But, the real feat that night was the "Wild, Spinning Ride of Certain Death" that our accomplices decided we needed to ride before we could leave.  Sure, it was called the "Cyclone" but, that was only for legal reasons, and because good paint is expensive, so the fewer letters the better.

How this thing works is you stand in a little slot, much like the chambers they put cannon shells in before they send them hurtling through the atmosphere, and try to bargain with the Lord.  Reminding Him that you are still pretty young and have things to accomplish in His name, and then the snotty, tattooed, pierced teenager running the machine pushes a button and the machine spins and bounces and smashes you against the side and you think about all of the time you wasted, and how much more successful you could have been had you only paid attention once in a while and you swear if you can just get off this thing alive you will start working hard every day, and treating people with kindness, and compassion, and then you scream "I'm not ready to die!"  

Then the ride stops, and you wipe away the tears, and you ask every body who was screaming, and you say, "that poor guy, he must have been afraid.  Does anybody have a tissue, something got in my eye?"

Sunday, December 29, 2013

Good bye ol' Friend, Hello, New Year.

With the new year approaching it is time to acknowledge the passing of 2013.  It was a great year, in a way, and kind of rough in other ways, it was a little like life in general.

Sometimes you win, sometimes you
lose, and sometimes you do both.
In the early part of the year we went to see the Nebraska football spring game, which was so exciting, our team won, but it was terrible because our team lost.  The weather was fantastic, which was nice, because we tried to go the year before and the game was cancelled because of violent electric storms, torrential rain and potential, impending tornados.  During the game, which was a back and forth battle of evenly matched teams, the Red Team unveiled a secret weapon in the form of Team Jack, a child with an inoperable brain tumor, who rambled 69 yards for the touchdown that sealed the victory.

See Jack Run, and Score

It may have been the greatest touchdown run of all time.

Later in the year we went to the Lawn Mower Races in Pukwana, SD at the world famous Puk U. Bar
 The fastest lawn crew in the world.
and Grille, (it may not be world famous, but it is owned by a family member so it is World Famous every where our family is).  Lawn Mower races are fast paced, energy filled extravaganzas where people speed around a oval track on riding lawn mowers that have been beefed up, with and really move.  Of course, there are extra points for trimming the lawn in a checkerboard, golf green fashion.



This is is only the beginning.
No trip to South Dakota is complete without a trip to the Black Hills and Mount Rushmore, and no trip to Mount Rushmore and the Black Hills is complete without a trip to Wall Drug, and Keystone.  Wall Drug is a tourist trap, unvarnished, unashamed, and wonderful.  It is crowded, hectic, and filled with fantastic trinkets, that serve no purpose and cost too much, and it is fun, from one end to the other.  Keystone is a small town, a very short drive from Mount Rushmore, with a boardwalk, with little restaurants, and shops, and tourists, and taffy and fudge, and little bars, and it is crowded and fun, and we stay there every time we go.
Wow, That is Big Time!

Of course the best part of Keystone may be Big Time Pizza, where we had our first Baltika beer.  The help is friendly, the pizza is extraordinary and the beer is first class.  A trip to Keystone is not complete with a Big Time pizza, a Baltika beer and trio to Rattlesnake Jake's for a new knife bottle opener combination.

In the fall we headed to Louisville to see the defending National Champion Louisville Cardinals play the season opener. I have been a Cardinal fan for a long time, and my sons and wife are converts.   We watched them raise the Championship banner, and Coach Pitino thanked me publicly and over the PA for helping them win the title.  He had to include all of the Louisville fans, just to be polite, they buy tickets and stuff, too, but we all knew who he was talking to.  Then we watched the game and had a good time.


Plus we got to stay at the Embassy Suites with the Morehead State football team, a polite group of young men, some of whom were very large.  The Embassy Suites is another wonderful item from last year.  The Embassy Suites has free cocktails in the evening, and they are pretty generous, no tickets, no limits, and no hassles.  Plus, they have the biggest, best free breakfast we have ever found.  Giant breakfasts, with huge omelets, biscuits and gravy, pancakes, so big it takes several men to carry it to the table, and coffee, oh my the coffee is so good it might be illegal.


I can't wait to see what next year brings.

Friday, December 27, 2013

How do you measure success.

Success is the realization of achievement, and there is no better way to measure this than with "The Gift Comparison Metric."  That's right, folks, for a short time we here at Life Explained are going to give away the secret to measuring success, for the minuscule price of $19.99 plus S&H we will send you the "Rule Book of Successfully Measuring Success."  

This book will help you define how people view you, as a person, as a supervisor, as a friend, as a spouse, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, son, daughter, mom or dad.  You will finally be able to figure out where you stand in the family hierarchy, and how much you overspent on those parasites you call a family.

Plus, you will receive a free subscription to the "Gauge of Value" website, (for only an additional $5.99 matriculation charge) where you will be able to post a picture of any gift and receive almost instant feedback to the retail value, any recent sales, markdowns, or rebates.  An invaluable tool when attempting to calculate your families affection.  "But, what if my gift is handmade" you ask.  No problem.  We have several craftsmen, home economic majors, and skilled appraisers waiting to estimate the actual dollar amount, to the penny, of the goods, and labor that went into the production of hand made gifts.

Who needs sense if you have dollars?
From now on you will know exactly where you stand with "loved ones."  With our time proven formula, you can calculate Money Spent Outgoing and compare it quickly to Money Earned Incoming, with the variable, gift box size, wrapping paper (and tape) used, plus size and price of the bow.  No more guess work, no more doubt, Know For Sure.

Plus, if you act today we will include access to the "What Everybody Earns" website, for free (just add the $9.99 activation fee) so you will be able to figure, by percentage, how much of their weekly income those lousy, no-good ingrates you call a family were willing to part with to get you that stinking warm up suit, with matching hat and gloves.  Jerks anyway, they don't deserve you, and now you will have proof.

With our help, a small investment of time and money, and a few simple rules of thumb, and you will be turning a tidy profit by next year.

The first 5600 callers will also receive, free of charge, (just add an additional $11.99 S&H) "The Quick and Easy Way to Cut a Box of Chocolates in Half!"  Just in time for Valentine's Day.

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Daytime TV another troubling development.

Monday was President's Day, and I took the day off. Which meant I had a chance to partake in the ultimate television, daytime television, and daytime television commercials.

We were watching a game show, something to do with prices or bargains, or something that had a lot of name brand products and services involved.  "Hey, Billy, how would you like to take home this Sony brand AM FM radio with headphones and three distinctly separate but equal knobs?  All you have to do is guess how Much Kraft brand Macaroni and Cheese, with fun shaped dinosaur pasta, it takes to fill the trunk of this Dodge Hedgehog."  Dang, that one was tough, did they mean cooked, or boxed?

But, before we heard Billy's answer, they cut to a commercial for laundry detergent.  There was a couple sitting in a bedroom with heaps of laundry surrounding them.   The man would take a small shirt from one basket and fold it carelessly before handing it to the woman, who would refold the shirt and put it in a different basket.

While they were folding the laundry, they were speaking right into the camera.  The woman talked about the blessing of having triplets, and the man countered with the financial burden it brought.   Which led, quickly, to the relative value of laundry detergents, ultimately leading to the anecdotal proof that the bargain detergents were of less value than the name brand, due to the enormous amount needed to clean clothes.

But, as any parent can tell you, having a new baby around is exhausting, having three must be hellish, and a person can get a little cranky.  Finally, right before the end of the commercial, they woman had had enough, (she lasted longer than my wife would have, maybe it was being on camera that provided the additional composure) and threw one of the shirts back in the man's face, saying, "you call that folded, you might as well wad it up and throw it back in the laundry, you bastard!"

Which he did.  Actually, it was more of a fastball pitch, with a windup and instead of the laundry it was at his wife's head, rather than in the laundry. He screamed "they are babies, nobody gives a bucket of poo about a few wrinkles."

At this point, maternal instinct kicked in and the woman, fearing that her babies were going out in public, wrinkled and messy, swung a full diaper bag around her head several times, finally bringing it to bear on the back of the man's head, knocking him into the changing table and opening a three inch gash on his forehead.

To his credit he got up quickly and grabbed a baby bottle, smashing it on the bassinet, and brandished the jagged edge menacingly toward the woman who had grabbed a wastebasket lid for a shield and still looped the diaper bag in long, terrifying circles around her head, each pass making an ominous, electrifying whoosh sound.

Before they could move in for the last match, they both collapsed in a heap, exhausted and wanting nothing more than a nap.

I looked at my wife, and asked, "did you see that?"

"It is all part of the "Reality Programming" trend that is so popular these days.  Things, sometimes, get a little strange."  She explained.

"Oh, I see."

Monday, December 23, 2013

War, and Christmas shopping, not that different.

Yesterday we sent a patrol to reconnoiter the locals stores.  It was a dangerous mission requiring stealth, endurance, discipline, and some level of insanity.  What they found was not pretty.  Sometime between the end of Thanksgiving and yesterday the war on Christmas took a bizarre turn.  It seems Christmas decided to return fire.

There were holiday explosions everywhere, green, red, tinsel, garland and wreath, the garish, festive carnage covers everything.  Several people reported a heavy set, white haired elf, assumed to be jolly, dressed in red, with white cuffs, collars, and lapels, standing at entry ways and on corners, asking not for whom the bell tolls, because they know it tolls for anyone foolish enough to step in front of a moving holiday.

Our fearless scouts reported that there were several scenes almost completely overrun with stockings, ornaments, plastic snowmen and reindeer, and artificial snow.  Music turned up to such a high volume, in order to coerce confessions from anti Christmas insurgents.  Terrifying to behold and almost overwhelming in occurrence these noisy, hideous dioramas are proof the war on Christmas has begun to intensify.  And Christmas is beginning to get the upper hand.

It was once thought that Christmas might take a more passive, peaceful approach to the battle being waged.  So often these institutions, large, powerful, and steeped in history, are able to take a "we are willing to wait, and see who runs out of Frankincense first" approach.  Not this time.  Candy cane cannons are primed, elves are armed and production at the North Pole has shifted toward a more sinister purpose.

The North Pole Ambassador to the United Nations has ordered the UN arms inspectors to leave.  And, according to the International Association of Maritime Shipping, there has been a huge increase in the number of inbound shipments of "explosive stuff, and that spells big trouble."

It was obvious from the carnage dripping from every surface that things were heating up.  From the front of large hardware store chains, littered with artificial trees, poinsettias, and strings of lights, to the shelves of grocery stores that had been picked clean of canned cranberries and boxed stuffing (all that is left is packages of fruit cake with no expiration date), to the women's shoe departments of large, fashion stores where several people have been have been disemboweled for a pair of attractive mules, or moderately priced pumps with a low heel... wait, that is not just a Christmas phenomenon, our combat weary veterans report that shoe inspired homicide happens year around, day in and day out, sale, no sale, women go insane while shopping for shoes.  It is probably worse, if possible, this time of year.

One thing is for certain, the war on Christmas is not going away anytime soon and it will probably get a whole lot worse before it gets any better.  It will be very difficult to see who is the winner when this is all over, but one thing we can count on, Bourbon is a wonderful choice for a gift, and we like the big bottles, they last longer.




Sunday, December 22, 2013

Saved some money, but it might have been a mistake.

Business is pretty good these days.  But, there were some lean years, sales were slow, money was tight, and as a company we were scrambling for ways to stay afloat.  We tried turning down the heat, dimming the lights, and people were asked to wait until there were several passengers before using the elevator, kind of a car pool lane for the lift.  Briefly, there were talks about not providing coffee, but hey, we are not animals.

One of the suggestions floated was to hire illegal aliens, they work cheap, they labor night and day, and are dedicated, fearless, single minded beings bent on self preservation.

Things were going well.   We had a real sweat shop thing going, a facility full of laborers, toiling night and day, without break, for laughably low wages.  Things were beginning to look up.

Sure, a few people vanished, unexpectedly, without a trace, but that is part of running a company, right?  But, when that monstrous, little beast broke out of Bob's, the Head of Human Resources, chest at the weekly staff meeting.  Just popped right out, scampered across the table and vanished down the stair well, and into the janitor's closet, and none of us were going in there, it is dusty, messy and smells of disinfectant.

No one really liked the Human Resource guy, anyway, always going on about "labor laws," and "compensation," and "employee benefits," but when that slimy little thing ran through a dozen of the local bakery's finest ruining every donut that was too much.  Chocolate covered, cream filled fried gifts from the gods, ruined!  We quickly fired every last alien in the place.

It was time to evaluate our hiring practices.  We settled on humans, they cost more, but they respect the donut.
Here is a reenactment, not really the head of Human Resources, actually it is Jesse the sales person, who agreed to play the part of Bob, who was unavailable.  And the alien, who needed a job.

The thrill of competition.

Last night we went to the hockey game, and it was fun, but we got a lot more than we expected.


- Posted using BlogPress
from my iPhone

Friday, December 20, 2013

Not so fast.

Today we were going to discuss the "War on Christmas."  Either a terrible subversive plot to overthrow western civilization, destroying our cherished way of life and our system of retail addiction, and substinence, or a completely fabricated myth to garner viewers, rouse rabble, and increase the general discomfort of almost everyone with a television.  And, it was going to be a great post, too, filled with thoughtful commentary, and analysis.  Plus, it would have some jaw dropping bomb shells that would turn the whole argument upside down, inside out, and kind of backwards and sideways at the same time, as soon as I made them up.  

However, while I was "researching" the "facts" on this critical topic I came across a story about "sepak tekraw.  A sport that is popular in Southern Asia, and Canada (those crazy Canadians), and it is kind of like a cross between soccer (or futbol) and volleyball (or volleyball).  Kind of a kick volleyball, it is like tennis with your feet, or kickball badminton, or maybe... well, it looks hellishly difficult, let's leave it at that.

It is a fast paced game of endurance, coordination, and speed, I think.  But, it is hard to be sure, because the internet page I read was translated, from Japanese, by software.  Which is really kind of an amazing thing when you think about it, but it does make for some unusual sentences. 

You see, no matter how smart, and able, software has become it lacks the understanding of subtlety and nuance.  Sure, it can tell the difference between "your," and "you're," but it doesn't understand why "hey, is that a non-finite verb form functioning as a noun, or are you just happy to see me?"  See, while I have tears running down my face from laughter, my computer sits stony faced and silent.  

Back to the point, sepak takraw looks hard, and reading about it is not easy.  Here is the definition of a serve, "the player who kicks a serve surely puts a leg (shaft foot) in the service circle, and takes a toss from the player who went into the quoter circle (the semicircle of a radius 90 cm done around the contact point of the center line and the sideline), and kicks the ball.  When a game bigins by one serve, a ball can be touched by the attack of one time to three times. You can use a head, a back, legs, and anywhere except for the arm from the shoulder to the point of the finger."

But, the thing that really caught my eye about the sport was almost every picture looks like one player is trying to kick the other player in the face without touching an electric fence.  There was nothing in the rules about electricity, but, I haven't read them all yet.

"Please, accept this little token gift of a face full of shoe lace as a reward
 for a wonderful, intense competition."





Well, I am certainly glad we got that cleared up, tune in next week when we answer the age old question "red wine or white wine, which is appropriate for pancakes?"


Thursday, December 19, 2013

Aliens, Predators, Elected Officials, and Rock and Roll.

Recently I was watching Predator with my son.  I think it was the first time he had seen this modern classic.  My sister loaned him Alien vs. Predator when he was young and it had a profound affect on him.  He wanted to be a Predator when he grew up.

He asked me, after watching the aliens battle the predator, which I thought was better.  I told him the aliens were obviously better, they only killed as a method of advancing the species.  True, they were monstrous, destructive, salivating nightmares, but it was a biological imperative that drove them to their behavior.  While the predator killed because he could, just for fun.

Being a child he was not impressed by Darwinian reasoning.  He was impressed by the extravagant, sophisticated weaponry that the predator carried.  When I explained to him that despite bristling with an advanced, technical armory the predator could defeat neither Arnold Schwarzenegger, (Should I call him Governor Schwarzenegger) nor Danny Glover (though, in all fairness he did manage to kill Gary Busey, pre-accident version, but so did Mel Gibson), he was unmoved.

But, that is not what I am here to talk about today.  I am here to discuss the real star of the first Predator movie.  Little Richard.  When the helicopter was flying low, through the jungle, and Jesse Ventura, (should I call him Governor Ventura?) was rocking out with "Long Tall Sally" you knew the movie deserved some sort of award.  Maybe, best Jungle Helicopter Flight Soundtrack.

So, I toast the Alien, the Predator, the Governors, but mostly you, Little Richard, you are a rock and roller in the finest sense of the word.  By the way, you can get the "Very Best of Little Richard" on Amazon.com for only $5.99.

Here you go, dig it, daddy.

Even the Predator loves Little Richard.

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

Today's Horoscope,

Bought to you by Dr. Dawg.  Professor of Scientific Astrology.

 Good Horoscopes 'r Us
 If you were born today you are a Scorpio, prone to good moods, and quick, contagious smiles.  Today, through no fault of your own, several ancient spirits, once thought the stuff of myth, and childhood stories will be awakened, and through cruel, terrible coincidence will descend on your puny, insignificant department.  Where they will feast on the flesh of your associates, lay waste to your carefully controlled inventory system, and turn your once pristine office space into a shrine of sadistic, terrible sacrifice.  You will be forced to choose a life or humiliating , indentured servitude, or a slow, painful, ignominious death.  Of course, this will ruin your year end performance evaluation, and cost you any chance at a raise or promotion.

Your lucky number today is 7, your color is green, and you will run into someone who used to be special.  

Don't forget to check out our special offer on palm readings, and numerology.  Offer not good for people born today.

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Good News.

Things have been going very well at work, business is booming, and the future looks pretty bright.  Except for all of the actual "work" required to complete all of this "business" things couldn't be better.  But, most of us are getting used to working here, so that is only a minor nuisance, not really a big problem.  Not that we want to make a living working like that, but occasionally, if it is for the common good we will do our part.

Then came the nasty surprise.  The owner emailed the company that she would taking a vacation day, and she was taking her family, and the dog.  

Of course, I panicked and emailed back quickly.  "How, in the name of all that is holy, do you expect us to run a extravagantly busy,  hugely important, fantastically successful applied research and development facility like this without a dog?"
Doctor Dawg meet Dr. Dog. 

In her kind, patient way, she replied, "don't worry, we have installed a backup dog."

Dog redundancy, amazing, the people I work for think of everything.  The future looks bright, and the holidays are safe for another year.

Of course, if things stay this busy, we may need a tertiary dog.  Only qualified candidates need apply.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

And Right Before the Holidays.

Here at the top secret Life Explained headquarters, nestled deep in the hills of some county, in the middle of an unnamed stater, there are problems.

Just a cooler.
On the high tech "water cooler" there was a "heating function" and all you had to do was press the "HOT" button and the "Dispense" button, and viola!  Hot water out of the Water Cooler.  Technology is so wonderful.  It was like magic.  A gift from the gods.




Not hot, that's not cool.




But, gods can be so cruel.  Now, when you press the "HOT" button and the "Dispense" button all you get is cold water.  It isn't even "warm," though it might qualify for "tepid."  We have sent samples out to some of the top labs in the world and hope to have an answer soon.







This once heated the water for tea
at the signing of the Declaration of
Independence.


Now, when hot water is needed you have to get cold water, and heat it up in the microwave, like a caveman, like an animal!  And that takes so long!  It is like the dark ages around here.







We can't work under conditions like this, we are artists.

Tuesday, December 10, 2013

You Have to Think of These Things.

Recently our company, (not Life Explained proper, rather our shell company) was approached by a gentlemen who wanted to put a WiFi tower on our roof.  It is a tall building downtown, one of several he was using to create a WiFi hot spot that would serve the area.  He told the facility manager, John, (You remember John, what a guy!) it was used by first responders and letting them use our building was almost a public service, a sense of civic  duty fulfilled.  Plus, he was going to let use the WiFi for free, unless you count the use of our building.

WOW, that's fast!
Since, according to the guy, it was lightning fast WiFi, we were all very excited.  Trouble was brewing on the horizon, though.  The building needed a new roof, and some masonry work done.  The contractors decided to make a career of the project, we actually added them to our retirement plan, they were here so long (we are very nice that way).  And the roof was not going to be done in time.   Our free, lightning fast WiFi was in jeopardy.  Not too fear, the man said, these were small things, nothing should stand in the way of progress.  He had a crane reserved, and the inexorable march of technology was inevitable, and we all breathed a sigh of techno geek relief.

Sunday I went in to work for a little while and they had a very large crane sitting in the middle of our snowy, ice covered parking lot, with a personnel cage attached.  Next to the crane was a rented panel truck, filled with wires, and pieces and electronic looking stuff and two guys who looked very busy. It was very cold and there was a Chrysler Town and Country with the engine running, probably to keep the men warm.  They would raise themselves up to the top of our building with the the WiFi tower, perform whatever magic is involved in activation and then move the whole mechanical operation to the next building and start over.  Three people, three vehicles, a prime number cubed, it had to be a lucky sign.  I approached the truck, told them I was there, asked them if my car was parked in a convenient place and walked away feeling smug.

It seemed to be an auspicious beginning to an wireless, electronic relationship.  Until I thought about it, just a little.  Why was this guy so keen to install this equipment on the weekend?   Was he a little too happy to see me?  Maybe this guy was not a Wireless Benefactor at all, maybe he was a James Bond Style Villain.
He wasn't carrying a Golden Gun, or a white, long haired cat, but that could have beenan Easter European accent.  How many wires do you need for a " wireless network?"  Who gives stuff away, when they could charge?  Maybe that minivan said Kremlin, instead of Chrysler!
Just what are you up to.
 
In this community there are several important targets.  White Castle, Wendy's and Donato's Pizza, all have headquarters here.  It is the home of The Columbus Blue Jackets, the Columbus Clippers, and Channel 4 Chief Meteorologist Jym Ganahl (the only guy I know of in the Central Ohio with worse hair than mine, though, in fairness I have not completed my study of Obetz, so there is still hope for Jym, and me).  Just what is the target?

Maybe this guy was installing some kind of diabolical laser cannon device on our roof to wipe out the supply of bags of sliders (delicious, little steamed hamburgers, and onions, almost bite size, a specialty of White Castle), right before the Holidays.  Of course, I asked John (remember John, from earlier) about this.

"I thought of that," he said, reassuringly, "he won't attack us if we help him, and if a James Bond Style Hero shows up we have Plausible Deniability, we were just after a better internet experience.  Everybody wants that."  I was so proud of John I could have hugged him, but I am not sure he is not a KAOS agent bent on World Domination, they don't deserve hugs.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Days of the week, the picture edition.


Saturday, your reward for living through the week.  We here at Life Explained have decided to Explain the days of the week.  Using a revolutionary new technology developed by our inhouse genius, Dr.Dawg we capture the metaphysical manifestations of each day.  Yes, that's right we have developed a Metaphysical Manifestation Capturing Camera.  Someday, we might let you borrow, or rent, it.











Monday, a day that bludgeons you, an ogre of a day.  It is a slugfest and you had better be prepared to stand your ground or you will be overrun, smashed in to the dirt, big feet walking all over your job, your hurried lunch, your harried telephone calls, smashing your fingers into the keys while you try, tragically, and fruitlessly to disarm your supervisor's incendiary anger through a charming, apologetic, ingratiating email.  It might have worked, too, if it had not been for the broken bones in both hands, and the constant clubbing about the head and shoulders.  Monday is tough.





If Monday is blunt force trauma, Tuesday is death by a thousand cuts.  Gremlins, poltergeists, and
goblins, everywhere.  Hiding your pens, papers, and coffee cup, jamming the printer, eating the toner from the fax machine, restarting your computer right before you save the work you have been painstakingly typing, poring over, editing, sweating over, and praying about for hours.  Drinking the last of the coffee, without even shutting of the burner, leaving the copier set at 100s so you end up looking like a fool, walking around with 100s of copies of that funny dog picture.  Curse you, Tuesday.


Stay tuned for Wednesday, better known as not the worst day of the week.

Friday, December 6, 2013

An effort to keep up with the changing times. redux.

There is a phenomenon sweeping the world, at least the parts with cameras, and internet access, and a touch of vanity.  It is called a "Selfie."  It involves finding a situation, or look that captures the essence of your being, and focuses the strength of your personality into a moment, frozen in time.  It is a unique opportunity to make that one, split second of achievement immortal.  Or you could just snap one you find flattering, there is a chance that is what this is about, more research needs to be done.

We here at Life Explained like to think we are up with all of the latest trends.  And as the head of the "Cool, New Stuff" department it is my responsibility to make sure we are compliant with all of the "hip, happening fads" in America, everywhere, really, except places that are not cool, or have a lot of spiders.  You have to draw the line somewhere.

So, I snapped a couple of Selfies yesterday, and thought I would share them with you, the Life Explained Nation.

"Don't worry, under this new system, you no longer have to
cough uncontrollably when calling in sick.'
 To the left is a picture I took while explaining the new attendance policy to my staff.  It was a fruitful meeting, we covered a lot of ground, and I think they really understood the need for a change.  And we had donuts, really good donuts.  Everyone said it was one of the best meetings of the year.  Even better than the meeting about how to use the new color copier, where we only had bagels.
"Look, up in the sky, it's a bird, it's a plane,
no, it's me!!!"






The top secret Life Explained headquarters is in a very old, very large building.  Obviously, as with any top secret facility it is difficult to justify calling in pest control companies.  So, sometimes we see a bug, or two.  Some of them are so large, that they may have helped build the structure over 100 years ago.  To the right is a selfie I snapped after wrestling one of these monsters out of the office area, down the stairs, and out the back door.  Unfortunately, it was so angry it stole my car and drove it in to the river.  I did love that car, too.

Stay tuned, we will have more selfies as soon as we do more amazing stuff.

Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Fishing, Hunting, Trying to Get By.

In a recent article, (holy cow, they are getting smart) Scientific American reports that "non-bird reptiles," mainly crocodiles, and alligators use tools to capture birds.  Of course, they don't use those wild looking, net shooting guns, or tasers, (that would make for really big news) rather, they lay sticks across their nose, and when the bird (not-a-non bird reptile) swoops in to pick up the stick for construction of a nest, the crocodile has the bird for a little meal, and, one would assume, has a little chuckle at the bird's stupidity, and probably goes back to work on the petition to have the title changed to non-crocodile reptile, wondering the whole time why the bird gets all of the headlines.

You have to love the circle of life.
Of course, in fairness to birds, the article later explains how birds can use berries, and sometimes even bits of bread to catch fish, or dung to catch dung beetles, (again, casting doubt on the intelligence of birds), so this behavior is not new to (bird, and non-bird) reptiles.  And, don't forget the part about flying, many people still think that is a pretty neat trick.  Evolution has not completely ignored this class of animal.

Life Explained's Division of Scientific Research, Travel and Tourism, and Wildlife Resource Management wondered if there were any other surprising examples of the use of tools as a means to an end in nature.  What they found was surprising.

There were several cases, researched and documented, of men, camouflaging themselves in huge, expensive boats, and tossing shiny, pointy feather covered metal bits tied to a thin plastic rope in the water in an effort to catch fish.  Often, this requires coolers full of beer, and boxes full of exorbitantly priced gear, and gasoline, and cursing, and baking under an unforgiving sun wearing only swim trunks, and a middle aged belly. Sometimes whole weekends will be swallowed by the process.   There are rumors of a few lucky souls who have managed to get a fish into the boat, but there is no proof at this point.

Also, they found proof of men, dressing in forest patterns, covering their face with greasy paint and trompinfg off into snow covered woods, and hiding in little forts built along rivers, armed with huge, expensive weapons, trying desperately to shoot a bird to death.  They have devices to make noise that sound like birds, and they use this to draw them in, and then in a scene reminiscent of the St. Valentines Day Massacre they jump from their place of concealment and blast the livin' bejesus out of the birds.  Sometimes it works, but reports indicate that it is mostly futile.

As is plain to see, birds and fish are crafty, evasive animals, and capturing or killing one is an expensive, time consuming proposition.  How they get caught so often by dumb animals is beyond us.




Sunday, December 1, 2013

Sports, it is not just a game, maybe.

I am a college sports fan, I don't care much for pro sports, but college football and basketball are great distractions for me.   Like any fan, I have my favorite team, and watch, and root enthusiastically for, them whenever I can.   But, there are others I root for, and want to win.  I like the games, and the competition, and the sport.  There are few games, in either sport, no matter who is playing that I can't watch, and enjoy.

College football is winding down and my favorite team is going to a bowl game (a reward for a winning season), but not the conference championship, which is unfortunate, but not tragic.  They lost too many games to qualify for that opportunity, which is ok, they had a lot of injuries, and at times did not play as well as fans might have hoped.  All in all, though, it was a great season, with many exciting moments, and a few losses, but life is filled with ups and downs, and so are games.

Recently, someone asked if I felt conditions in the world of college football had changed so drastically that my favorite team was destined to be a middle of the pack competitor, and would never return to the horror of lofty expectations that haunt so many teams.  It wasn't phrased exactly that way, but, you get the drift.

That is a very difficult question, with many possible answers, but the best I could muster, was "I haven't really thought about it that much.  I watch the game, root for my team, and when they lose I feel sad, for a while, and when they win I am happy, for a while, but either way I am still a fan, and soon move on to other things."  This might be ADD, or a deluded sense of self importance, or maybe just a healthy dose of indifference, who knows?   But, when pressed for an answer after a loss, I always quote the wisdom of Bill Russell, "it wasn't because they weren't trying."

It was a good season for my favorite team, maybe not great, but good, and as is often the case after a good season, there was a lot of talk about firing the coach.  The athletic director said he was not firing the coach, and was looking forward to his continued leadership.  This was a good sign.

There is so much emphasis on winning, on championships, on perfect seasons it really drags a lot of fun out of the games.  And with every misstep during a season fans, and sports show hosts on radio and television cry in anguish, screaming for blood, or at least retribution in the form of a very public dismissal.  Coaches and teams are held hostage to demanding, unrealistic standards.  Sometimes, as a casual fan, the venom gets a little tiring, but as Arnold Bennet said, "pessimism, when you get used to it, is just as agreeable as optimism."

It is always enlightening to talk with fans after a game, win or lose, they can dissect a game and critique every flaw, each coaching mishap, no matter how well planned or thought out, is fodder for public, acidic discussion.  He should have called a screen pass, he should have run up the middle, they shouldn't have blitzed in that situation, why didn't they blitz, For the Love of God, How Could They Be So Stupid???  And they players fare no better, these young men, who have dedicated such a disproportionate amount of their life to becoming skilled enough to participate at this level are routinely roasted for drops, misses and mistakes.  And this is by fans.

So, I salute the University of Nebraska and the Athletic Director for standing by a winning coach, if that sounds like an odd statement you are obviously not a fan.  And congratulations to Coach Pelini on his continued employment, I am happy that our are going to a bowl game, it wasn't that long ago we stayed home.  And congratulations to all fans everywhere who root for teams through wins and losses.  And mostly I salute the players who leave so much on the field every week, it has been great fun, and I am awed by your talent.