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Sunday, August 31, 2014

Labor Day, a time for action.

Sunday, and it is rainy and early in the day, and cool and comfortable, and not even halfway through the weekend!  Three day weekends are an application of delight, tonic for the soul, a wonderful, powerful thrilling joyride.  So keen it almost seems illegal, or at least immoral.  But, it isn't.  Approved by the federal government, and endorsed by decent, loving, humane employers everywhere.

Yesterday was a day of labor, too.  We went to the the Outlet Mall in Jeffersonville, a mythical place with unique physical properties, and a strange gravitational pull that grabs people from miles away and drags them across state lines to walk purposefully and determinedly across well traveled sidewalks and into busy stores.  Once inside they will toil, grabbing for bargains, bickering among themselves, turning on employees, comparing prices to those offered by the ultimate of discount stores, Walmart.  Often, this would spark intense debate concerning the location of the best deal, and thinly veiled accusations of stupidity, and mathematical incompetence.  Further bickering would ensue, and soon the scene would deteriorate, the family openly split along visible lines, invoking visions of the Hatfields and McCoys, or Capulets and Montagues.

My big purchase was a "Doohickey" from Eddie Bauer.  A bottle opener, screw driver, wrench, box cutter, ruler combination that clips onto a key ring.  So far only the bottle opener has been field tested, and found to be passable taking two or three attempts to pop the top on an icy cold Red Stripe, directly in contrast to the ease of the model we keep in the drawer with the cutlery. This is in keeping with my new routine heavy on aerobic, and heart healthy exercise.  I can almost feel the years being added to my life.  My doctor will be so proud.

Soon the rain will pass, and the day will assume the glory entitled to the middle day of a three day weekend.  An aroma of smoked ribs smothered in barbecue sauce is beginning to float through the neighborhood, the new bottle opener workout is calling, and I must answer.  Until next time, friends.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Just a fool for a pretty face.

That was pretty impressive.  Of course, it was only the first game, and it was only Florida Atlantic.  Of course, the first several minutes dredged up some old memories, and  scraped open some old wounds, but even when it looked as if it might be a lot more exciting game than many Husker fans wanted there was an offensive spectacle that was chewing up yardage, and shredding the defense.

Something odd happened about eight minutes into the game.  The defense started playing with passion, anger, and a smothering, attacking attitude.  It was a ferocious, terrifying horror movie performance, and the memories began to come from a different time.  A time when season openers were a fashion show, where players who rarely saw the field after September would parade onto the field in the second half to play a game they loved in front of stadium filled with people who loved them.

Sometime in the second half today, the quarterback leading the offense down the field to score was from Grand Island, and the crowd went wild.  It was one part of a 784 yard, 55 to 7 thrashing.  And the crowd went wild.  Ameer Abdullah ran around, over and through the defense crashing and bruising and burning for 232 yards on 21 attempts, and the crowd went mad with delight.

It was a day filled with magic, as proven by the extraordinary catch made by Jordan Westerkamp. Who, in the merest fraction of a second before stepping, out of bounds caught a tipped behind his back.  It was an amazing catch, almost supernatural, and the crowd went insane with joy.

It is only the first game and there are all sorts of things that can go wrong, and it is foolish to get too excited about a team that has only won a single game.  Today, though, it was easy to find a lot to be excited about, a lot to be impressed with, and a lot of things that could make a person dream big dreams.  So, forgive me my enthusiasm, and allow me to say Go Big Red.

In the somewhat vaugue, beautiful words of Bob Dylan.

"It's unbelievable, it's fancy free,
So interchangeable, so delightful to see,
Turn your back, wash your hands,
There's always someone who understands
It don't matter no more what you got to say,
It's unbelievable it could go down this way."






Thursday, August 28, 2014

Safety Tips for the Common Man

WIth fall approaching, summer taking it's final bow, and the school year beginning to indoctrinate our children with all of the illusions and half truths they will need to survive life, it is time to review some important practices that will help us all live longer and healthier.

1. If you smoke, quit.  There are many studies suggesting smoking is addictive, dangerous, expensive, and socially unacceptable.  As our climate changes and extreme temperatures become normal, do you really want to stand outside of your comfortable office building in the blinding sun dripping sweat, melting into a puddle, and quite possibly become the victim of spontaneous combustion, just to "smoke a butt?"  No, of course you don't.  And in just a few short months, you will need to dress in a manner appropriate for someone who is attempting to "get the medicine through to the eskimos," just to "light up."

And here is the bad bit, often you don't have any choice of who you smoke with.  It might be that annoying guy from Research and Development, the guy who is always going on and on about how his parents won't let him have a Burmese python as long as he is living in their basement, and once they "kick the ol' bucket and the house is mine I will have whatever damn pet I want."  Man, sometimes it seems like all that guy does is smoke.  Every time you go out to have a smoke, there he is talking about how sick he is of eating meatloaf, or pot roast, or baked chicken.  So, quitting is a good idea.

2. Cool night time temperatures can cause a lot of condensation to form on the windows of your car.  If you leave early for work, often you won't be able to see out of the windshield on the front of the car, it will be so thick.  Having seen enough movies involving the supernatural you know that is the perfect opportunity for an ambush.  Climbing happily in your car, whistling a cheery little song, and anticipating a smoke free, joyous day on the job, you flip on the wipers, and sitting on the hood of your car is a gargoyle, or vampire, or chupacabra, or something sinister, with evil intentions, who smashes his fist, or paw, or appendage through the glass and drags your screaming, helpless body off into the morning darkness to a place that exists only for the suffering of innocent, kind people, like you, and you will never be seen again, and your car will be a mess.

The most effective counter measure is to drive a few blocks before turning on the wipers.  It is not the best idea to drive without being able to see, but it is much better than the alternative, having your disembodied soul wandering aimlessly, voicelessly throughout eternity.  Seeing your wife marry someone so much more successful, and watching him win over your children with equal parts of paternal wisdom, impeccable humor, and fantastic, expensive gifts.  Money grubbing, little brats, anyway.

Stay safe, keep your eyes open, and tune in tomorrow, when we discuss airline safety, the myth behind the lie.


Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Football Season, A Love / Hate Relationship.

Saturday is the first day of the college football season. There is a certain feeling that follows quickly on the heels of the opening day kickoff.  After seeing a team play it can become difficult to entertain illusions of invincibility.  Before the first game teams are filled with Supermen, supreme beings, monstrous, murderous, animals, fast, flexible and beastly, unfeeling, and incapable of anything resembling compassion or empathy.

After the first game there may be some misgivings, it might seem like they are a little too kind, maybe a little too generous.  On a few plays they really made that team look good.  Sure, everybody should feel proud about their performance, but, charity begins at home, right.

Fortunately, it is just the first week and nobody really plays anybody good.  Except, of course, for those teams that play opponents with a significant advantage in size, speed and budget (funny how those three things travel in a pack).  How the small schools of the world should be pitied, traveling long distances for a paycheck and a painful loss.  But, the teams with the most fans normally win on the first weekend.  The University of Idaho football team probably has very good fans, fans who represent the university admirably on those long, cross country trips to Gainesville, but try to find a Vandal shirt in your local sporting good store (it is such a cool name, I would have one if they were easy to find).

But, until that first weekend all is well with the world, and after the first weekend things are not a lot worse.   No matter what happens though, it is the place of a fan to remember past glories as the most glorious, and look at the future as a promised land, filled with championships, trophies, and unbelievable success.

Such is the life of a fan.  Sports teams are a device used to bring esteem, and self worth.  When the prowess and ability of others is a source of fulfillment and they fall a little short it is only natural to feel bitter and resentful, screaming at the television, and cursing so loudly and profanely that your dog blushes, a little.

But, there is always next year.

Sunday, August 24, 2014

It isn't a three day weekend, yet.

Sunday, and Labor Day is a whole week away.  Which means a whole week full of work days, and blaring, intrusive alarm clocks, endless toil, backbreaking work, hurried lunches, and coffee slammed down between everyday demands and turmoil. Ah, the joys of gainful employment.

Tomorrow we will wake to the delightful sounds of whatever song, or commercial, or painful, agonizing white noise is on the radio at 4:55 in the morning, and plod, zombie fashion, toward the coffee and Diet Coke, thank you kind fates for caffeine, to start our week of indentured servitude.  We are beholden to the companies who own part of our house, bits of our cars, the organizations that provide our water and electricity, and natural gas.  Also we are deeply indebted to several suppliers of groceries, deeply indebted.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are scheduled to provide the same torture.  Time drags, expectations are lowered until all a person can hope for is arriving safely at home at the end of the day.  An infinite loop, endless torture, and responsibility.  Ah, the joys of painful employment.  

Saturday, ah the joyous, wondrous, delight of Saturday, the first day of a three day weekend.  Labor day, you beautiful, glorious creation of man kind.  The origins of Labor Day are lost in the lore of ancient Washington, but it is widely believed to have been a gift from the gods of time management, and labor allocation.  But, nobody really cares, a paid day off is all that anybody cares about.

It is the first weekend of college football season, and the Cornhuskers are on television, and that is another gift from on high. Go Big Red!

There are rumors of cold beer, smoked ribs, coleslaw, and garlic toast, unsubstantiated as yet, but they are from a highly placed source.  It depends on the grocery store sales, stay tuned for updates.

Plus, there is an expedition to the Outlet Mall in the works for Saturday, and a new video editing app on the Microsoft Surface Pro 3, a powerful, intoxicating combination (sometimes even I feel sorry for my wife).  Life on the move at the outlet mall, with musical accompaniment, this could be the biggest thing since the moon landing!

Life is so good, I can't wait to het to work tomorrow.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Everybody Needs a Vacation

We have been very busy here at Life Explaied.  Things are going extraordinarily well, here at Life Explained, we are days ahead of schedule on our time travel machine, thanks in large part to our time machine.

Our expedition to Mars is well under way, and the good news is we found Martians, the better news is they love the same foods as us.  Twinkies, HoHos, Fruit Pies, burgers, hot dogs, shakes, and iced caramel macchiatos.  We have started carrying extra provisions on every trip and are actually turning a nice little profit.  And here is the great news, since the profit is made on another planet it is not taxable income, probably, we think.

We have been burning the candle made with midnight oil at both ends, if you get our drift.  It was no surprise when Dr. Dawg decided to go on a short vacation.





Friday, August 22, 2014

You will thank me later.

According to an article in the Los Angeles Times Australian scientists (Those Crazy Australians) compared the size of spiders who live in the city against spiders who live in the country, and found that the urban spiders were larger.

There are several potential reasons for this, the additional warmth generated by the concrete, and asphalt provides an ideal temperature for spider growth, or perhaps the condensed habitat has increases the availability of prey.  Further, they found that spiders living in wealthier neighborhoods were larger than the spiders living in less affluent areas.  Urban spiders are bigger, and socioeconomic factors can increase the effect.  

In fairness, the study was conducted on one species (the Golden Orb Weaver) sincethey are less nomadic, widespread, and they are much less intimidating, venomous, and hostile than the Sydney Funnel Web Spider. A fearsome beast many claim has the worlds most toxic venom, a nasty temperament (legend says it will cross the street against the light just to bite a person), and according to some reports has a bite that can pierce a toenail.  Dang, that would sting.  Who can blame them for avoiding that monster.

To sum, country spiders are big, city spiders are bigger, and snobby, upper-crust spiders bigger still.

In related news, as reported by the Huntington Herald Dispatch, (Dang, that is so big it could be from Australia) a Carolina Wolf Spider was found in the forests of southern Ohio.  According to the report this is the first reported sighting of the species in Ohio in six decades.  Also, according to the report, this spider is (and the words are quoted verbatim) "palm sized."  It does not specify whose palm is being used as reference, but the the potential is staggering.

Located in the center of Ohio is Columbus, a city with over 809,000 people, if you don't count the surrounding areas.  A city of some size, and with many areas, and suburbs with some wealth.  Since Columbus is conveniently located in the center of the state southern Ohio is not far at all.  Southern Ohio is much closer to Columbus than any point in either Carolina.  And, this is only a guess, but that may be the origin of the Great Carolina Wolf Spider Invasion, though this issue needs more research.  

Imagine what will happen if these palm sized spiders find their way up Route 33, using the Lancaster Bypass, and end up in Columbus, as previously noted a city of some size.  Or worse still, what if the take the exit onto 104, and merge onto I71 North, which turns into 315 North just west of downtown and use the Lane Avenue exit, and turn west, ending up in Upper Arlington (motto; We have a lot of money).  That spells catastrophe, my friend.

There is only one sane thing to do.  We need to blow up the bridges, and build a wall to separate the southern and central portions of the state.  It is for the best.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Grilling, An Evolutionary Imperative.

A charcoal grill is a man's tool.  Using fire and red hot, ash covered embers to cook raw meat, char sliced vegetables, and toast frozen garlic bread is a sacred rite.  Billowing smoke and the smell of seared food is a time machine, transporting the tong bearer back to ancient times, when man used his barbecue fork to hunt and kill his own steak, or burgers, or bratwurst.

Times were a lot tougher in those days, roving packs of spicy sausages would wait in ambush for an unsuspecting lower middle class, blue collar, or in some cases line supervisory personnel. For many years it was uncertain which species would survive and which would fade into insignificance.

For years the battle raged on, and on, hunter, hunted, sausages, grill owners, entire villages were laid bare, and several unique cultures disappeared so completely that their favorite desserts are unknown, even today.  It was a bitter, awful fight that seemed like it would go on forever.

Man would venture into the wilds, armed only with a two pronged fork, and a war hammer fashioned from a branch, a rock and some twine that grew wild on the now extinct cotton string tree in pursuit of dinner.  Too often he would not return.  When the family went to look for him they would find only his skirt (yes men wore skirts in those days, and they could be quite festive, depending on the occasion, but for hunting they preferred your earth tones, or a simple nature inspired pattern... well, it doesn't matter what they wore), his fork and a trampled box of wooden, strike anywhere kitchen matches.

For a long time it seemed like the two mortal enemies would battle until the end of time.  Rapid advances in refrigeration, seasonings, disposable lighters, and charcoal technologies gave humanity the upper hand.  Next time you are trying to decide what to have for dinner, reach back, call on the primal urges that are hidden deep under your civilized veneer, grab a beer and throw something on the grill.  Resist the urge to put on a skirt, though, we are not animals, after all.


Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Weekends, a nice place to visit.

"Summer days and the summer nights are gone,
Summer days and the summer nights are gone,
I know a place where there's still something going on."

Ah, Dylan you are still the man.  And last weekend those lyrics were so appropriate.  We (my wife and I) were invited to a party.  It may not seem impressive, but we do not get invited to many things, so it was kind of a big deal.  And we had a good time.  Our friend Susan always has great parties, lots of food, including spicy chicken bratwurst, which were amazingly good, and my wife tells me contain a lot less fat.  Lots of laughter, joking and reminiscing, of course it was kind of a voyeuristic pleasure since the memories so cherished were from other lives, but it is almost too easy for me to get swept up in happy, cheerful tales of indulgent youth.  Good music, there was a lot of music from my childhood, Credence Clearwater Revival, and I am sure I heard Mr Soul by Buffalo Springfield, and who doesn't love a song that explains modern life in such vivid detail.  "Stick around while the clown who is sick does the trick of disaster."

"Everybody get ready - lift up your glasses and sing,
Everybody get ready to lift up you glasses and sing
I'm standing on the table, I'm proposing a toast to the King"

We left the party in time to get home and buy our sons a pizza, and rent a movie ("hey, Mom what credit card do you want me to put it on?"  "How about yours, your highness".  "Muppets; Most Wanted."  A great movie with appearances by several well known stars, including Frank Langella as a Vicar, Salma Hayek, as Salma Hayek, and Usher, the hip hop star, in a surprising twist, as an usher.  My favorite part was (not a spoiler alert) when Evil Kermit, (yes, evil Kermit, the frog desperado) tells the muppets that Fozzie bear quit the Muppets, and one of the Muppets asked excitedly "you can quit the Muppets?"  As a movie it had it all, action, song and dance, prison escapes, explosions, and Muppets, who could ask for more.  Which brings me to my next point.

When my sons were younger they would never watch "A Muppet Christmas Carol" with me, I love that movie.  A classic tale of reformation, with Muppets.  Life makes little sense.  Which brings me to my last point.

While driving to work this morning I saw three school buses lined up side by side at a stop light this morning,  They had just turned onto an important street in this town, one with three lanes in each direction, and a turn lane.  And, they were lined up side by side, waiting for the light to turn green.  Naturally, as a normal human being I couldn't help but pick one that I thought would win the race to the next light.  I chose the one in the middle.  It was too hard to pick right or left that early in the morning, and middle seemed safe.  Unfortunately, the middle bus came in last, the one on the right was the clear winner.  I cursed the driver of the middle bus, and went on my to work.  I am used to picking the wrong horse in almost any race, it is kind of a gift.

Until next time, when you will see a video history of our company, (with video, still pictures, titles, transitions, and musical background) in no particular order if I get it done, keep your head down, stay frosty, and vote for Dr. Dawg it is your only hope.



Saturday, August 16, 2014

Autumn, kind of, a little bit, maybe.

Today is the official start of the fall season.  Not really official in the official sense, but my youngest son is back in school, tired, cranky, and irritable (as far as I can tell that never changes.   from pre-school to college, which is a good reason to put them in a dorm, I suppose).  But, it is also the time of year parenting has the biggest rewards.

It is a chance to show your parenting chops, your math, English, art skills, that have hidden, lying dormant for so long.  Take them out, dust them off, strut them around the living room for a while.  You should make sure to dim the lights a little, you don't want to blind anybody.

But, as soon as you find that your child is in Algebra 3, or Pre-Calculus, or some bizarre thing, and you have no idea what any of those things even mean.  You look through the book for something remotely recognizable, anything that will allow you to step in and say "let me help you with that, son."  But, it looks like the book was written by aliens from a distant planet with math skills far surpassing the long division you are still struggling to learn, thank goodness they put calculators on everything.  No worries, you can still call upon your grammar skills to impress.

Unfortunately, grammar has turned into "Language Arts" and they are reading the "Iliad," and who knows what any of that is about.   It was written by ancient foreigners, about something that might make a great movie, with the Rock, or Vin Diesel, but it is almost impossible to read.  Why can't they teach some good, American stuff, maybe some Louis L'amour, or John Grisham, or even a little of that woman who wrote all of those alphabet based crime books, "A is for Arson," "B is for Bad, Bad Grades," then you could really flex your literary muscles.  But, it is not to be.

Do they want to talk about government, having lived through person kind of an expert in Government excesses, and the workings of official Washington.  But, nobody wants to hear about that anymore.  Now everybody wants to talk about filibusters, and appropriations, and committees, and caucuses.  Bunch of pointless words, who knows or cares what any of that stuff means. Oh well, those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it, and when that smug little Political Science teacher talks about discretionary vs. mandatory spending he is just inviting corruption and abuse.  It's not your problem, right, you tried to help.

Man, when they were in Kindergarten, they really thought you were smart, snotty little know it alls, anyway.  Kids are such a nuisance, anyway.

Friday, August 15, 2014

High Tech Gets a Little Higher.

As many of you know we have recently added the Microsoft Surface Pro 3 to the arsenal of high tech gadgetry used in the pursuit of the explanations to life's greatest mysteries.

It requires a great deal of computational muscle to break down barriers and wrestle truth from the universe.  And the good news is we are getting closer, the bad news is we are still not exactly sure what life's greatest mysteries are (that is how mysterious they are), which has kind of hamstrung our research.

But, it does provide the time needed to integrate all of our devices, and cloud services, so the work can proceed expeditiously.  Of course, there needs to be many tests, trials, failures, hand wringing, tears of frustration and joy, hours and hours of endless attempts to make sure information passes seamlessly between the Surface Pro 3 the iPhone 5 and iPad 3 (we are thinking of adding an iPod, just because we have several not being used).  It was not in vain.  Dropbox was the last piece of the puzzle, and the most stubborn, but a quick glance at the instructions (I know, who reads directions, it was a last resort) and we were uploading photos like techie.

We have managed to produce this little gem, foil this chrome turtle "carjacking" this wooden elephant. And, we had to perform the operation without the iPad. My wife is still holding tight.  But, we are fairly certain we could have without problem.


As you can see the future of mankind is in good hands.

Note;  We are not sure turtles have paws, but we are fairly comfortable supposing that they do not have hands, or feet.  Besides, in a tense situation you can forgive the Life Explained Armed Forces for taking a few liberties with reptilian anatomical classifications.

Next step; new logo, we can't wait.

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Football, The Season of Our Discontent.

Football season kicks off soon and it is time to start preparing, time to take inventory of your favorite teams chances at winning "it all."  If they can't win it all they have had a terrible season, filled with heartache, drama, and blown calls, stupid referees, anyway.  Does your team have what it takes to be the team, bring home the title, vanquish their foes, destroy their opponents, and enjoy the confetti, and adulation that will pour down?   

Here are some things to look for.  Do they have "good moral?"  A team with bad moral might as well play on a field strewn with broken glass, and toxic waste.  It is one of the most important components of that elusive team "Chemistry."  There is no point in even trying without team "Chemistry."  Of course, some teams have taken "Chemistry" to levels that fall far outside the rules, in an effort to boost moral from mediocre, past good, and into stratospheric.  Too much moral building can be ruinous, and lead to extended "vacation days" for players. 

Another good sign would be the recognition that the team is prepared to "take it one game at a time."  This is so important, teams that try to violate this principal are doomed to lackluster performance, and a season that is remembered for insignificance, and defeat.  On rare occasion teams with many talented players, and a wealth of coaching experience can play two games at a time, provided the opponents are painfully incompetent, and helpless, but it is absolutely vital to inform the officials, so they can account for the wide variety of uniforms, and players present. 

Of course, no team can hope for even a moderate amount of success unless they have re-established their swagger.  You will know your team is headed in the proper direction as soon as a player boasts "we have our swagger back."   Unfortunately, for those freshly re-swaggered teams that normally leads to the addition of a "bulls eye on our back," which will enrage the opposing team to such an extent that your team "will get their best shot, every game."   Experts are still debating whether the bulls eye is beneficial or not. 

It goes without saying that no team can hope for even the tiniest amount of success without the requisite amount of "good speed."  Slow, tiresome, and ineffective, teams without "good speed" might as well play their whole season in one game, that is how astronomical the odds that are stacked against them.  It has been that way since the dawn of time, the ancient Sumerians knew "and thus it is prophesied, any team that ploddeth onto the playing field with poor speed is doomed from the coin toss."  It was really the secret to the success of the Great Khan, and his Mongolian armies.  In fact he is quoted as saying after destroying the Western Xia Dynasty, "you know, Brent (yes, Brent Musburger has been covering sports that long) we had "good success" today, because we had all of that "good speed" and they were slow like children, carrying bricks, through mud."  Not really, Genghis Khan did not give a lot of interviews, but his teams were fast, and angry, and ruthless, and fearless...  Really all of the things you want in your modern day football team. 

Now you have enough to assess your teams chances this year.  We will update you on the visual cues to watch for as the season progresses, if for example, the coach stumbles onto the field carrying bottle of Muscatel, and spends the whole game sleeping on one of the benches, using the sports page as a blanket, you know it might be a good year to catch up on those back issues of Popular Mechanics, maybe you can finally get around to building that self sustaining eco system in the basement, in case of apocalypse.  Don't worry that your wife, neighbors, children and co-workers think you are crazy, they are probably right, but it is better than watching your favorite football team self destruct on television. 

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Dr. Dawg for President.

It is almost time to choose, it is almost time to make a decision.  Who will be suited to carry us into the future, who will be the one to make a difference, who will we choose to lead the country?   

Oh, sure there are a lot of choices this early in the pre-season, virtually everybody who has ever run for office, is still alive, and hasn't been president yet is a potential candidate, has an exploratory committee, and is raising money.  Plus, there is always the threat of a wealthy, unelected, dark horse candidate, who doesn't mind the insurmountable odds, and rushes headlong into the fray, without a chance of winning. Though, if a person is looking for fifteen minutes of fame this is perfect, and if you can manage one misstep, gaffe, or indiscretion you could go down in history.  Please, stay tuned for this seasons model. 

However, for those who are tired of career politicians, and all of their experience, and knowledge about what makes the government work, for those who grow weary of Washington insiders, and all of their accomplishment, and connections, and credibility around the world, we offer you a fresh choice, a new solution to an old remedy of a non existent problem, we offer you Dr. Dawg for President. 

Not only does he not have any governmental experience, at any level, he has never even held a real job.  He is the ultimate political outsider, he has never even voted, and he knows nothing about almost everything political.  If you are tired of all of the coiffed, tailored clowns trying to give away the whole circus Dr. Dawg is your man, well not really your man, he is your candidate.   

Let's look at several questions from our panel of experts.  In the sake of honesty, we are not sure how many people a "panel" requires, so it might be a forum, or a group, if anybody knows the qualifications, please post a message with the details. 

Q:  "Do you have a plan to balance the budget, without raising taxes?" 

A:  "Yes, I do have a plan to balance the budget, and unlike my opponents, the fools, buffoons, and clowns, I am not going to slash spending, and unlike the idiots who are stupid enough to oppose me in this election I am willing to share the details of my plan.  Phase one of my plan is to use the police department as a taxi service.  They spend most of their time driving around anyway, right?  Why not have them pick up fares, and bring in some much needed "revenue enhancement."  Here is the beauty of the plan, if you are running late, and need to pick up the pace just tell the officer, and for an additional fee he will flip on the lights and sirens, and get you there in a hurry.  And, if you are lucky enough to be in the car during a high speed chase, ending in a shootout, and have the necessary funding available we will let you squeeze off a few rounds.  The ultimate thrill ride.  We are going to open Fire House Pizza, and Chili Burgers, in real fire houses.  Delivery in thirty minutes or less, or your next ride to the emergency room is free!  That alone should provide a budget surplus like this country has never seen.  If not, we are noodling with some plans involving Armed Services Demolition Co., but these are still on the drawing board." 

Q:  "Where do you stand on immigration?" 

A  (sort of): "I have a very strong stand on immigration." 

Q:  "What is it?" 

A (more of a Q, really):  "What is what?" 

Q:  "What is your stand on immigration?" 

A (not really, but we pay by the letter)  "That is all the time we have for today, I am going to work on some very important policies, and procedures, and reforms, and maybe a quick nap.  Thank you all for coming." 



Monday, August 11, 2014

It's Not Too Late, Yet!

We, here at Life Explained, have changed the threat level from "imminent system failure, and the collapse of civilization" to "cautious optimism."  This change is expressed in the ominous, chilling graphic below.

Last Week                                                                                                       Today


Obviously, things are looking up, and there is renewed hope, here at Life Explained. 

What could cause such a swing, such a sudden, dramatic change?  That is a very good question.  Recently, we here at Life Explained, learned of the selfless acts of one man, one giving, caring man, who, with no thought of reward, no flashy exclamations of self aggrandizement, one man with very little to gain at all, and a hearty investment of time and money, has decided to launch The Fantastic Traveling Book Project.

People all over the world will have the opportunity to share some personal, part of their life in words and pictures with strangers from distant places.  People who thought they had nothing in common could find some mutual ground, some small common trait.  If people start talking, and looking for similarities instead of differences who knows where that might lead.  Maybe even peace and understanding.

What can you do to help?  I am not sure, but, there is a Forum on the site, Forum, for the Fantastic Traveling Book Project, and that might be a good place to ask the venerable Mr. Raven what you can do to assist.  

Anyway, we should all take an active interest in this, we should all be jumping on the chance to spread the word, and the books.  In the immortal words of The Police;

"We can all sink or we all float,
Because we are all in the same big boat."

So, do the right thing, it will make you happy.


Sunday, August 10, 2014

Another Life Explained Psychological Experiment.



Where I work we are serious people.  We take creativity seriously, we are serious about generosity, in short we don’t mess around.  Consequently, when my wife asked one of the owners to donate something for a charity auction during the holidays, the owner took it very seriously, and donated several things.  One of which was a set of wooden blocks, vibrantly colored, fashioned in unique shapes, designed to be stacked in a variety of ways to suit the tastes of different people.  


My wife, works as a receptionist at a school district and to go almost anywhere in the building you need to walk by her desk.  Having spent some time in sales she knew the best way to generate interest, and increase value was letting people touch and feel and see the product. To that end, she took the blocks out of the box, and set them on the file cabinet by the hallway in the area beside her desk.  She laughed when she talked about how everybody who walked past had to stop and play with blocks.  She would hear the little clicks of construction, (and sometimes the crash of failure) and it made her smile.  And, it helped, the simple, little blocks sold for a good price (as did the other items given in such quiet generosity) and the proceeds gave some comfort to the needy.


Recently, the serious people for whom I work introduced another set of blocks, these are a little more intricate, angular, with sharp corners, and clean lines, painted to appear as buildings.  They are designed to be held together by the evil magic of geometric properties (I knew when they tortured me with those angles, and lines they were doing the work of the devil).  I bought her a set.  She set the pieces on the corner of her counter, and was amazed at the interest they attracted.


People were drawn to them, stacking and re-stacking, sometimes to the point of obsession. For the first several days people would only play with them when she was away from her desk, she would come back and they would be assembled in a new pattern. Soon, the invisible barrier went down, and people would stop, construct chat, and move on.

 Age was not a factor, children to retirees stacked them, nor was education level, custodians with a high school diploma their highest education, to administrators with PhD's would stop and assemble the blocks.  Often criticizing the last "construction engineer" who built such a shoddy, ad hoc, rickety creation.  "Oh, this is not right, this will never do," was a constant lament.


After a little convincing my wife agreed to snap pictures at various times of the day.  Kind of a snapshot into the thinking of her co-workers.  She was a little hesitant, but, after 25 years of marriage she has learned to suffer foolishness more or less gladly.  I don't know what the pictures mean, and how to make sense of the creations, but looking at them makes me believe there is some insight arrayed in the patterns and designs, and I am drawn to the results, with the same intensity as they were drawn to creation.


Some people were more interested in reaching for heights, and would dare gravity to do its best.  Stacking, and hanging, and laughing in the face of convention. Daredevils that cared little for the constraints of reality, they probably had messy desks, and drive fast cars, or ride motorcycles.















Others were more interested in combinations based on colors, shapes, trying to make sense, and purpose, they had no worries about Urban Sprawl. It is easy to see these people having large houses, big cars, noisy dogs, and large families. Their kitchen table probably seats dozens of people.









There were a few who wanted to find a happy medium, exploring the best of both worlds.  Moderate souls who wanted to make the best of all worlds.  Or, maybe they just took pleasure in the art of stacking. Volunteers at homeless shelters, generous, kind types who abhor conflict, and seek quiet places to enjoy literature.








Sometimes you could see the neat, meticulous planners.  Function following form following design.  Angles intersecting, everything in place, making sense, serving a purpose, and having a reason. These people probably file by month, day and hour, with color coordinated folders and typed tabs. They use a straight edge to align emails. Though, it is possible that they just have a little railroader in their soul.

And, some people were just trying to make something unique. People who are interested in art for art's sake, unencumbered by the norms, mores and discipline imposed by society. These free spirits enjoy life because it can be so much fun.
















For a while our company sold folding bicycles, and would attend the InterBike Show in Las Vegas. Since we had several bikes we would just use them as transportation. Once, after finishing our dinner, I was standing next to one of the owners, watching a couple of my coworkers weave lazily around an empty parking lot on their bikes, riding wide circles, looping around light poles, and just having a little fun before we headed back to the hotel. He watched them and said, with what seemed to be awe, "bicycles bring out the child in everyone." He was right.

Now, though I know it does not take a bicycle, it can be a small pile of wooden blocks, and the kid inside will stand up, take control, and have a good time. Happiness is a precious resource, and should be shared, often, and freely. I am not suggesting that small piles of stackable, colorful blocks will change the world, but my wife will tell you it can bring a smile to the face of almost anyone, and that is a good place to start. You know, maybe we are not so serious after all.



Friday, August 8, 2014

An Important National Debate.

It is almost time, you can feel it in the air, step out the door, look around, and it is everywhere.  Drama, suspense, tension, intrigue, it is almost more than a nation can bear.  That's right folks, it almost time to decide who will perform during half time of the Super Bowl.  Not that it really matters, after that scintillating performance at half time last year by... (hey, does anybody remember who did the halftime show during the Super Bowl last year?  No, well that's ok, (note to self, fire research department)).  Ok, it was easy to forget when a person considers how exciting the game was between... (hey, do any of you remember who played in the Super Bowl last year?  No, well that's ok (note to self, DVR Super Bowl this year)).

Right now, it appears that it is a tight race between Weird Al Yankovic and anybody else, with anybody else holding a decisive edge.  But, that does not stop the rancorous, venomous debate.  Things are really heating up, and the opposing sides are looking increasingly violent.

An unnamed source in Congress said they are debating whether to intervene in the decision, and whether to have lunch at 11:30 or 12:00, and whether to set the thermostat at 72 degrees, or 75 degrees.  Plus,  they are debating the best route to the rest room, and which restroom has the best towels, and which movie deserves the Oscar for best picture this year.  Plus, they are debating if the junior senator from Oregon should sit in the 9th or 10th row, and where to get the best coffee, and Danish in the capitol.  In fact, according to almost everybody who is not in Congress they can not agree on, or accomplish, anything.  And both sides are looking increasingly violent.

The debate rages on, there is no end in sight, kind of like the Super Bowl half time show.  Remember, no matter how little it actually means to you personally, take a side, join the melee, lose your temper and be rude.  You might get elected.

Thursday, August 7, 2014

Come back when you have a real list.

According to an article on the Newsweek website (Newsweek stopped publishing their printed version several years ago) now is not the correct time to worry about the Ebola virus.  There are several things much more worrisome, (What, nothing about spiders) for people living in America.

While it is very reassuring that Ebola will probably not cause my untimely demise (in my opinion it will be untimely anytime) it is nice to know someone is still thinking about other lethal problems.

Being decapitated by a roller coaster was not even on the radar, until now.  Sure, there was always the secret suspicion that a person could be launched into low Earth orbit by a faulty seat belt detection module, and a careless, bellicose ride operator.  But, if that happened I was taking the person in the car with me, sorry son, you shouldn't have made me get on that suicide machine.

Being killed by horses was always a concern, however armed with the knowledge that over 100 people in this country every year are killed in "equestrian related activities" really cements the concern in the psyche.  Occasionally, in Columbus, mounted police patrol streets when there are festivals, or events.  They might as well start riding pit bulls, or those nasty, awful wolf things from the Lord of the Rings, called Wargs, I think.  Plus, every year we have the Quarter Horse Congress, (whatever that is) we should probably make sure our wills are current, and our final arrangements... arranged(?).

Malaria, food poisoning, bee stings, self immolation from excessive drinking, all of these could kill me.  Thank you, Newsweek, for making me aware of these potentially lethal incidents, but, trust me, that is an amateurs list.  You wrote nothing about elevators, scorpions, jelly fish, sharks, tall buildings, flying, lightning strikes, falling space debris, commuting,  and on and on.

When you are ready to talk about impending doom and catastrophe you can send me an email, and we will put together a real manifest of hazard.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Immigrants in the work place.

Not to scale.
It has been pretty hectic, here at Life Explained, the last several weeks.  Our efforts to develop the means to colonize mars are starting to bear fruit.  And the Life Explained Time Travel Division is really making progress, and great Italian food, as well.  Things are going surprisingly well considering how the government has cut funding to such vital research.  It is such a shame, it is to the point you can't trust an elected official at all.  Anyway, with all of this work we were in a real bind, staffing wise, and decided it was a good time to add a few people, employment wise.

And, like a gift from the heavens here came several illegal aliens looking for a job.  We called a meeting of the executive council and quickly decided hiring people who just showed up, looking for work, unsolicited was a fantastic bonus.  We wouldn't have to go through all of the "want ad posting, resume reading, interview conducting" turmoil.  It was great!

Not only were we saving some real moolah on ads, but since they were not registered citizens we wouldn't have all of those burdensome tax regulations, and forms, and reporting requirements.  Plus, anybody who had mastered intergalactic travel had to have some serious science chops, right?  Not necessarily.

Turns out they were a bunch of post grad dropouts from the far side of the Milky Way tearing around the universe looking for a little fun.  Unfortunately, they ran low on cash and had to take a temporary job until they had enough to move on down the line. Their ship was powered by a unique fuel, that could be synthesized from mixing Alka Seltzer and carbonated water.  But, it took a lot of each, and it takes a while, and some serious cash to gather that amount.

As scientists they were useless, but they could paint murals that changed with the moods of the rooms inhabitants, which is a handy thing when you work with a bunch of petulant, childish, temperamental egomaniacs who fly off the handle at the slightest provocation.  We should save a bundle in bandages, and antibiotic cream.

Also, with only rum, tequila, gin, seltzer water, cranberry juice and a few drops of the fuel for the space ship they could make the most delightful drink, an Intergalactic Red Devil.  After a few of those the mural in the kitchen would be rainbows, unicorns, and smiling stars.  People would be dancing in time and singing in tune.  Amazingly enough, no one ever had a hangover, at all.  Man, those were good drinks.

They have almost enough fuel for the next stage of their journey, and there is a pall around the top secret Life Explained headquarters.  They were fun, talented and energetic, breathing new life into a stodgy, old atmosphere, and we are going to miss them.  And, no matter how hard they tried to teach us nobody could mix up a Devil like they could, they were truly artists.

Saturday, August 2, 2014

Wearable Tech, and the Future.

Working, as we have with, so many diverse technologies, we here, at Life Explained, are in a perfect position to evaluate the potential benefits of the new wearable technology.  We have even launched a line of Life Explained, headgear.  It will be true a multitasking, multimedia mega useful hat.

We introduce, with great pride, the Life Explained, Propeller Beanie, Urban Assault Hat. The ultimate wearable tech available today.

Hooking up to a 5 horsepower, two cycle engine carried in an insulated, sound muffling, asbestos lined back pack, this baby will whip you through the air at an altitude of 150 feet, at a speed of 45 miles an hour.

Equipped with two AGM-65 Maverick Missiles you will be more than prepared to handle pushy, aggressive jay walkers . Pesky door to door salesman a problem?  Neighbors will applaud as you blast their car into pieces too small to sweep up and carry away.

If that were not incentive enough, the twin GAU-8 Avenger 30 MM canister fed machine guns that will help clear the air at the next company picnic.  You won't be waiting in line for the bratwurst, or beer ever again.

Future upgrades will include a radar dish, radio, and a beverage cart.

Buy one for yourself, give one as a gift, heck give one to every member of your family.  You will be a hero, a well armed, lethal, hero, whizzing through the air, dispensing justice, fairness, and, in the near future, a small cup of ginger ale, or cranberry juice.

Friday, August 1, 2014

Time Travel, and Food, The Story.

Today is Friday, and that is a cause for celebration.  Plus, we, here at Life Explained, have managed to solve part of the complex requirements of time travel.  We bought an old copier from a local thrift store, and attached some fuel cells from a Trident (an Ohio Class, Nuclear Missile Launch Capable) Attack Submarine, those were a little more difficult to find.  It uses an insane amount of toner, but, it does some amazing, unexpected things.

We had the most fantastic lasagna last night, and there were several of us lunging for the last piece.  Bob, the accountant, grabbed a fork from the drawer, not one of those tame forks you eat lasagna with, one of those two pronged forks used for turning steaks on the grill, the sharp points flashed maliciously like fangs in the flourescent light of the break room. 

Bob, the draftsman, slashed wildly through the air with an exacto knife.  We think he uses it to sharpen pencils, why else would a grown man carry an exacto knife in a sheath on his belt?

People were slamming bottles on countertops, tables, chair backs, anything to cause them to break and provide a sufficiently menacing edged weapon.  Unfortunately, all of the bottles were plastic.  So, they filled them with water and took turns microwaving them, threatening to scald anybody who made a move toward the last delicious, beautiful piece of lasagna.
And you eat like pigs.

Finally, Dr. Dawg jumped up on a table, and said "you guys are being ridiculous, absurd children with no sense of reality, this is so stupid.  But, I have worked an idea that could solve all of our problems.  I have almost perfected the worlds first three dimensional copier.  We will just take that last piece of lasagna into my lab, scan it and produce enough to cause us all heart problems."

Awed looks swept the faces of the assembled diners.  This was great news, enough lasagna for the whole company.  "Does it work on beer?"  Someone yelled.

Grabbing the last piece of lasagna, and looking longingly at the melted cheese, and the layers of noodles, and sauce and spicy Italian sausage, with just enough ground beef to make it perfect, we all rushed into Dr. Dawg's lab, and watched him turn on the power to the controller, the computer, and the gamma ray detectors, (he is always so worried about gamma rays, who knows why?).  

Carefully, with love and the greatest hope for success Bob, the engineer, placed the beloved lasagna on the platen and carefully closed the lid.  

Lights flashed and servos whirred, the whole room went dim, and then brightened up again, there were noises from everywhere, and a roll of wire fell to the floor with a bang that sounded like a gunshot.  And, then it was over, and there was no lasagna!  No lasagna in the receiver tray, no lasagna in the copier, nothing, it had disappeared, it was gone.

We all looked at each other, and didn't know what to say, we had just made something disappear, that was pretty cool.  Dr. Dawg was reading the results on a computer screen and scratching his ear.  "That was odd," he said.  

"Hey, look at this,"  Bob, the theoretical physicist said, excitedly, and we all rushed over to his work station.  There was a picture of his Mother, as a child, with her parents, it was in black and white, and in the manner of old photographs it looked somber and dignified, except for the horror on the face of Bob's Grandmother, who was staring, aghast, and terrified at a piece of lasagna, in full color, sitting on her lap.

We all starting congratulating each other, and Dr. Dawg in particular, we had just taken the first step in time travel.  It was great.

"Anybody want to get some pizza?"  A voice echoed around the room.  

"Heck, yes!"