A list, people love lists.

Interesting Facts, (well maybe they are not interesting, and some of them are probably not facts) A List.

1. If you are going to try to tune up your car mark the spark plug wires, apparently they have to go in some sequence, and the tow truck operators find this hilarious.
2. "Bloody Marys" are not considered a serving of vegetables by most doctors.  We will let you know about the fruit value of a "Screwdriver."
3. Nostradamus, in an ancient text, predicted all of the Super Bowl winners up until last year.  I wish I had read the book earlier.  Dangit!!!
4.  All of the continents used to be combined into one Super Continent called Pangaea, but it broke up.  It wasn't you, though, it was us.
5. "Rock and Roll" by Lou Reed, from the album "Rock and Roll Animal" will last almost all of the way from where I get on the freeway to work, if traffic is light.  
6. Lou Reed really was a Rock and Roll Animal.

If you have some fascinating facts you would like featured in a future edition of the Ever Popular "Life Explained List of Facts" email us at tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com.

Thank you, and have a nice day, that's an order.

Another Saturday Night, Another Chance to Dream.

As is normally the case, last Saturday we watched college football.  It was a nice day, so my son and I took off for a kick scooter ride, and we had a lot of fun, and took a few pictures, I only mention this so I can add this picture to the post.  I like this picture.

But, when we got home we started watching Minnesota play Michigan, at Ann Arbor. It was close at half time, Minnesota was ahead 10 to 7.  In the second half Minnesota started to dominate the game, and really looked like the better team.

It is always difficult to say whether one team is so much better than the other based on one game, and it is even harder to make that comparison from the results of one half.  But, it doesn't stop the announcers, in this case ESPN analyst Ed Cunningham, who said that Minnesota would have to be considered the odds on favorite in the Big Ten Western Division.

Based on this one half of dominant football he was willing to overlook Michigan State (I don't really remember what he felt their glaring weakness was), Wisconsin  (I am not sure why he felt they were so easy to ignore), and Nebraska, who, he said, "has their problems."  Excuse me, Mr Cunningham, but so far those weaknesses have been amply compensated for by their strengths, to the tune of 7.5 yards per play, and 6.9 yards per rush.  Sure, Nebraska's defense has been a little inconsistent, but anybody who has been paying attention has to say they are improving, and are vastly superior to last year at this time.

Of course, next weeks game at Michigan State (is it just my imagination or did Nebraska play at East Lansing last year?) will help clear up some of the picture, and Minnesota is certainly a good football team, but it is a little early make such bold predictions.

On an unrelated note, we watched most of the Air Force game.  They were playing Boise State, and I was rooting for Air Force.  I like the service academies, possibly because they run the option so much, and so well.  The Falcons were looking very good, really dominating the Broncos.  ESPN analyst Aaron Taylor was pretty certain it was going to be short lived.  With every Air Force miscue he would comment on how it might be just what Boise State needed to mount their inevitable comeback.  It never happened.  But, he did comment on one of the receivers, and how he "used to be a former quarterback."  It might be suggested, possibly, that he is still a former quarterback, and at some point will also be a former receiver.

Analysts are a funny group of people, it would be so hard to make such bold statements so often and wipe them from memory so quickly.  In fairness, though, if you had to fill up so much time with unscripted dialog it would be easy to misspeak occasionally.  I salute the sports announcers around the world, theirs is not an easy lot, and they are only trying to make a living.

Again, the Cornhuskers tromped up and down the field, smashing their way through an Illinois team that would have loved to ruin homecoming.  Ameer Abdullah proved he is a strong contender for the Heisman Trophy, and any other award that could possibly go to such a fantastic football player, who also seems to be such a wonderful human being.  I remember an interview last spring, when Ameer Abdullah claimed to have "more bounce than Benny."  What he forgot to mention was he also had more power than Hercules, more speed than Hermes, and more personality than anybody deserves.

I am starting to fall into that old trap, dreaming of an undefeated season, championships, and glory, and you know, it is great.  No matter what happens though, this team is a lot of fun to watch.  And, I thank them for pleasure, and the dreams.

Football Analysts should remember the wisdom of Bob Dylan who said,

"Well, the moral of this story,
The Moral of this song,
Is simply, one should never be,
Where one does not belong,
So, when you see your neighbor carrying somethin',
Help him with his load,
And, don't go mistakin' Paradise,
For that house across the road."

Act now, or live in misery.

There are a number of things that successful, organized people have in common. Traits, and characteristics, and quirky little behaviors that make them unique and extraordinary.

 For one thing they like to use a lot of conjunctions, but they aren't crazy about using periods, because once the brilliance starts flowing they are reluctant to shut it off, and would prefer to let it flow to the masses, unhindered, and unencumbered,  and in all of the raw power and beauty they feel as they put fingers to keyboard.

They drink a lot of coffee, excuse me while I fill my mug, would anybody like a cup of coffee.  No, hmm, I see, not a coffee drinker.

One thing they like to do early on is get a sidekick.  Somebody smart, maybe a PhD, who doesn't mind taking a few risks, doing something a little dangerous, exposing themselves to danger, and difficulties, and adverse conditions with nothing more than a good idea and a comfortable pillow.

In short, if you want to be wildly successful, fantastically wealthy, and happy beyond your wildest dreams don't waste your time working hard, getting an education, and clawing your way to the top, that is for saps, and people who don't read blogs.

Just buy the "The Life Explained Keys to Fabulous Success for Dummies, or Idiots, it Doesn't Matter to Us."  For only $19.95 (20 degrees Celsius) you can be happy, healthy and rich beyond your wildest dreams.  Act now and we will throw in "The Guide To Gourmet Microwaving With Chef Bob, the Accountant."  Hurry, we only have a couple left.

Wow, this is different.

Something has gone terribly right.  It is an inexplicable, unforeseen, unbelievable occurrence.  Looking back we have found no evidence of anything remotely similar to this ever happening.  We are not even sure of the best way to report on something so unusual, something so unlikely, something heretofore unseen in the world.  So, we will just come right out and tell you.

Central Ohio weather is wonderful right now, and is predicted to stay that way for the next week.  Yes, believe it or not, our weather is almost heavenly, cool, comfortable nights, warm, dry days.  It is as if the "Paradise Vortex," has come to Columbus, and it has brought a wave of pleasantness never before seen.

Historians are scrambling to find anything similar and are at a complete loss.  Meteorologists are confounded by reporting things people actually want to hear.  Biblical scholars are uncertain of the portent, but are pretty sure that it spells big trouble.

There is scientific evidence that this current front of uncommonly wonderful weather is improving attitudes, and providing a general sense of well being throughout the region.  Please see scientifically accurate chart.


What the future holds is anybodies guess, certainly anything is possible, and there is no reason to believe that this aberration is not the opening salvo of a brutal, terrible winter, but hey I am going to enjoy it while I have the chance.  Kick scooter, here I come, look for pictures right here, later today!

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Your chance at eternity.

We, here at Life Explained, have decided to pursue a new course, we are going to experiment with blended drinks.  We have a friend who posted several intriguing recipes.  We are all for good Kentucky Bourbon, on the rocks, but occasionally something else would hit the spot, something in a frosty glass, with a mixture of different tastes, that combine into a delicious, wonderful ambrosia.  Of course, iced coffee takes on a whole new meaning when poured into a blender with a little chocolate, and real cream, and just the tiniest hint of a smidgen of sugar.

Plus, these sorts of drinks sell for a king's ransom, your average mid level corporate employee will need to save for several weeks for one of these delicious, delightful, dangerously decadent, sinfully sweet, gifts from the heavens.  So, there is a lot of profit potential, as well.

We were shocked to see the cost of a good blender, of course we need a good blender, and something with a cool name, a Blendtec would work, but even better, a Ninja.  What kind of fool would not want a high calorie, loaded with fat, and frowned on by doctors and dentists everywhere, creamy, sugary, wonderful macchiato whipped up by a Ninja?!!?  That would be the ultimate coffee drink.

Yes, we have no money.

Unfortunately, our finances are stretched a little thin right now, due mostly to the Mars explorer launch, and repairs to the kitchen after the last company party.  We thought we would "crowd fund" a new blender.  In return for your donation we will name a blended drink after you, and work your name into several future posts.

Imagine the thrill of reading about your exploits with Dr. Dawg, as he explores the universe from one end to the other, and the expanses of time, from the beginning, to almost the end, we have decided going all of the way to the end of time was probably not a very good idea.  If you are not the egotistical type who wants their name bouncing around the internet for all eternity send us somebody else's name.  If it is someone you don't much care for, we will put them in uncomfortable situations, and embarrassing positions.

Please, give generously to this noble cause, we are getting anxious, and thirsty, and the ice maker is full.

I don't know technology, but I know what I like

Apple has released the iPhone 6 and the iPhone 6 Plus (iPhone 6 +?, I'm not sure), to the joy of adoring fans, and enthusiasts everywhere.  It has been widely reported that sales have topped 10 million.  With a price tag of $649.99 that makes, let me think about this... (six times 1, move the decimal, carry the...) a lot of money, by any calculation.

Any significant release by Apple invokes Newton's Third Law, "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction."  Apple releases a new product, people line up to buy one.  Ah the joys of a peaceful prerelease camping trip in front of the store with a few hundred close friends.  

Which leads to another reaction, all of this new product inspired love, and a lack of sleep, fueled by several cups of very dark, rich, caffeinated coffee, and soon it goes from the "summer of love" to "the winter of our discontent, made glorious by the" products of Apple, Inc© and the new iPhone 6Ô and the iPhone 6 plusÔ (maybe it is the iPhone 6 +© I’m not sure).  In this chaotic scene crazed fans will run right over the top of their Grandmother to be one of the first to have one.  Of course, it is entirely possible that their Grandmother will “shank” them to get her new iPhone© first.

This leads to another reaction, the jubilant announcement of the rapidly approaching death of AppleÔ, caused by the folly of the newest release.  Everywhere you look there will be posts, and articles, and videos showing the flaws and failures of the newest iPhone©.  Comparisons will flow, criticisms will grow into a volcanic explosion of hatred, and contempt. 

And in a couple of months, when my contract expires I will get a new iPhone, probably not the Plus (+?) (they seem monstrously large), because I like the one I have now.  It is not perfect, and neither is the next one I will own, but it does everything I want easily and quickly.  And that is what I want from my stuff.

Not Every Idea is Great, But We Know How to Dine.

Life is a journey, starts here, ends there, and in between forward movement.  That is the biggest problem, only one direction, no options, no choices, no chance to correct mistakes.  Invariably, when traveling people, even the most thorough, and cautious, are going to get lost occasionally. Everybody needs to take a few steps backwards, and choose a different path once in awhile.  Life doesn't give you that chance, mistakes attach themselves, and stay to the end, a tattoo, a battle scar, screaming, "hey look, this guy had a lapse in judgement, go ahead and stare."

For a limited time we, here at Life Explained, are offering select people with the proper credentials (Visa, or Mastercard will work) a chance to go back in time and fix certain mistakes.  Using our soon to be patented, awe inspiring, Time Machine, we can help you go back and "erase" those annoying little errors that are like a blot on your life, "undo" those silly, youthful acts that make you wince while traveling down memory lane.

Do you wish you had never grown those sideburns?  Well, it is too late to do anything about that.  The pictures are all over and if you change something like that it will set off cataclysmic shock waves through time that will destroy the entire planet.

Regret that failed marriage?  You should have thought of that earlier, or listened to your friends.  Even they were smart enough to see how wrong you two were for each other.  How could you miss it?  Not that any of that matters, there is so much time, effort, so many paper products involved in a marriage that if anything like that were changed it would create a "discordance effect" that would destroy the whole galaxy.

Would you like to choose a different major in college?  Sorry, those things are so ingrained into the fabric of of time and space any attempt to alter them would create such a shock the universe would collapse in on itself, crushing everything.

Hate your job, too bad, car run out of gas, sorry about your luck, choose the wrong entree at lunch, well, that is just your problem.  After careful consideration, this is probably not the greatest idea we have ever had.  There are a lot of things that could go wrong, and not an awful lot to gain, that whole risk, return tradeoff blowing up in our face.

Hey, anybody want to grab some lunch, we heard they are opening a new restaurant in the Omega Centauri galaxy, and the happy hours in that part of the universe can't be beat, and Dr. Dawg is buying, unless you have an intergalactic Discover Card.

One for the Ages.

It wasn't fancy and it wasn't pretty, and it didn't carry the significance of some of the meetings in the past.  But, if you think it wasn't important to these two teams you probably did not watch the game.

From the first play it was obvious that, even though the players on the field had not taken part in the gladiatorial contests of the pasts they knew these were schools with a shared history.  An unpleasant, fierce, competitive background.  And, they were willing to carry that standard into the present, and make sure it lived to see tomorrow.

In the end Nebraska won this game.  Using a brutal ground assault, smashing and crushing, and pounding.  Huskers along the offensive must have majored in history, they were surging forward, opening holes, and invoking memories of past glories.  This was a ferocious game, against a determined, talented defense, and this group of huge, powerful, relentless young men won it with their play.

Downfield, Kenny Bell (who has repeatedly shown he is a weapon catching a pass) and the entire Nebraska receiving corps proved that not only can they average over 16 yards a catch, but they can keep their teammates moving forward by throwing blocks that would make a pulling guard smile with pride.

But, it was the play of the two headed, four legged football monster of Tommy Armstrong Jr. and Ameer Abdullah that roared the loudest.  Two flashes of brilliance whose total is more than the sum or even the product of the individual parts.  Tommy Armstrong is a gunslinger, cool, inscrutable, fearless, he is in control, and he is a treasure, in red.  Ameer Abdullah is Shiva, though, he is a five foot nine inch, 190 pound destroyer, the shatterer of worlds.

Watching Abdullah driving through opponents, outrunning, overpowering, brings back so many memories of Nebraska I backs, a dream sequence in a red jersey, a flashback to glorious days of indecent rushing totals, and scores.  If there is a club for great Nebraska running backs there is a special seat reserved for number 8.

No, in the end it wasn't pretty, but to a guy who remembers the past so fondly, it was beautiful.  Thank you, Tim Beck, thank you Tommy Armstrong, and Ameer Abdullah, thank you Nebraska Cornhuskers.

As Bob Dylan said, with such haunting beauty,

"Twas in another lifetime, one of toil and blood,

When blackness was a virtue, and the road was full of mud,

I came in from the wilderness, a creature void of form,

'Come in' she said 'I'll give you shelter from the storm.'"

Football, so good we need two.

Mike Raven, curator of The Blog of Thog. and I are going to try to sway public opinion, convincing everybody in the whole world, or at least the very wise portion that read blogs, particularly the geniuses who read our blogs that one brand of football is better than the other.  I am speaking for the American Brand of Football, and +Mike Raven will be representing the rest of the world.

American Football is so advanced because the entire country is filled with experts.  Every Saturday and Sunday, in millions of homes across this huge country, and in select military bases and bastions of civilization, around the world people are screaming instructions, and helpful advice at television sets.

We all know, deep inside, the officials, who have been hand picked from the ranks of the lower levels of competition, have trained for years and continue training and education year around, and are trying to make snap decisions regarding barely visible potential infractions are so biased they should end the charade and wear the other teams colors.  It is amazing our team can ever win a game the way the refs stack the odds against them.

Off we go, beer and pizza, and back to the game.  And it is obvious this coach that our university, city or state has mortgaged its soul to lure to our team is an idiot.  Sure, he can diagram plays that look like hieroglyphics, understands complex systems and schemes, and can speak at length about defenses and the best way to attack them.  Yes, he has won at every level, and brought home numerous championships.  But, now he seems to be slipping into dementia.  What an idiot.

Back to the kitchen for chicken wings, a few beers, maybe some nachos.  You know what mystifies the average American Football fan?  The way these athletes, who have trained, and conditioned since they were little children, and have managed to become the greatest football players in the world can be so incompetent.  The average fans grandmother could throw a better pass than that, and she is in a wheelchair, and has never even thrown a football.

So, as you can see, Mr. Raven, American Football is superior because the entire country is filled with experts. More honest than the refs, smarter than the coaches and more talented than the players.  With all of that ability in one country what else would you expect?

Thank you,

America

Rescue Mission to Lunch

Something very strange happened today.  Our oldest son asked us to go have lunch, and he was going to be there, and he was going to bring a girl.  Normally he does not like to introduce us to girls, or friends, or coworkers, or passing acquaintances, or complete strangers (which, in fairness, would be very awkward for everybody, "Hello, I know we have never met, but I am (insert son's name here) and these are my parents, (insert parents name here)), so we jumped at the chance.

It was a lovely lunch, and the young lady was very nice, and I was very charming, and witty, and we all had fun, and lunch.  I had a buffalo chicken sandwich, and it was tasty, and less than ten dollars.

When it came time to pay our wait person, Lonnie, left the bill in a black plastic folder, that had a little slot for the bill, and a smaller slot for cash, and an even smaller opening for a credit card.  It was really an ingenious little device, and it had to be designed for this particular purpose.

However,there was one problem, it had no place for a pen, and Lonnie used the pocket clip on the pens cap to attach it to then folder.  But, this was not ideal, the pen was difficult to remove, and my wife, who was paying the bill, had to struggle to take it off.  It drew my attention, and that was when it caught my ever watchful eye.

You can't trust anybody.

Our server, Lonnie, was using Arrow Roofing Companies pen.  As I am such a believer in doing the right thing, I could not let this pass.  I grabbed my phone, called Arrow Roofing and told them I had found their pen, and that Lonnie had taken it.  I even offered to liberate the pen from the larcenous grasp of Lonnie and bring it to one of their headquarters in Grand Rapids, or Traverse City.

They thanked me and told me not to worry about it, they would send a team of writing implement retrieval experts to save their pen.  It was nothing, any brave, honest, heroic man would do the same thing.

My son was so proud, he was speechless.

Friday, at Long Last

There is no math advanced enough, no savant keen enough, no super computer super enough to calculate the amount of time it takes to shut off the alarm clock, crawl out of bed, stagger down the hall, answer nature's call, splash some water on your weary, still sleeping face, stumble into the kitchen, pour a cup of coffee, slump into a chair and sit, lifeless, in the netherworld between life and death sipping the dark elixir hoping you can survive the day, somehow.

An odd transmogrification happens somewhere between half and three quarters of a cup.  Blood starts flowing to the heart, and the brain.  Cognitive reception begins to return, and the darkness that was creeping towards the chair, predator like, wanes, slinking back to the tomb from which it sprang.

Soon, you notice the television is on, there are people talking, it is Mike Davis, the 10TV meteorologist, talking about the impending flow of cool, dry air just in time for the weekend, Hey, it's Friday, that is great news.

Wait, what is that noise, it is whistling, or humming, or maybe an off key rendition of "Beauty in the River," by the Ozark Mountain Daredevils,

"We must all stand in the water,
We must find it when we roam
It don't matter what is said
We can wake up from the dead
And roll away the stone"

And it is coming from inside the house, in fact it is coming from you, and you are tapping your foot, and drumming the butter knife on the counter as you are fixing lunch, and you are even adding the "hallelujah" and the "Lord, Lord," at the end of the final chorus.

Dancing out the door, a thought pops into your head, there is a meeting at work, and they are bringing pastries, and sweets, and the sun smiles down, and you know it is thinking, "have a nice day."  Hey, you should stop and buy a lottery ticket on the way home.

Scotland, and the future of the world.

Voters in Scotland are deciding on sovereignty today.  Tomorrow the landscape of the world may change, and there may be a brand new country.  In a way it is kind of exciting, countries are normally born through violent upheaval, terrible strife, conflict, and bloodshed.  They come in to the world screaming for justice, and demanding respect.  But, if this happens it will be with all of the decorum of a typical United Kingdom event.  Though, it may not be as united as once imagined.  There are a few nagging questions, what currency will be used, will the price of really good Scotch whisky go up, can they be persuaded to add an "e" to whisky, and what about Scotland Yard, won't that be a little awkward?

Recently, several educated, recognizable, and respected residents of Texas have made bold statements concerning seceding from the United States.  Essentially declaring independence, and becoming a nation unto itself.  This may be hyperbole, and just a ploy to express dismay at the actions of the Federal Government.  But, Texans are notorious for thinking big, and this should be considered a real possibility.  This, too, raises a few questions.  

Would it be better to erase a star from all of the flags, the cost of this could be astronomical?  Or should the US try to pick up another state?  Perhaps the Canadians would not mind giving up Ontario.  There is a shared border of 1,678 miles between Ontario, and the US, which makes it like a state already.  Plus, they could, possibly, explain this whole metric thing to Americans, and that most mythical of beasts "the balanced budget."  Ontario may require more cooperation than most Canadians are willing to provide, but, they probably would not mind handing over New Brunswick, or at least the Northwest Territories, which is allegedly just like Alaska, only Canadian.

If push comes to shove, as it so often does, we could maybe pick up part of Greenland, it is not that far, and certainly they can't be using the whole thing.  It is a very big place, and not densely populated.  

Of course, there are many other potential states, but, it is time to start planning.  Geopolitically speaking there is nothing sacred, and the race is going to the swift, and powerful, and those who might be a little unscrupulous, and possibly those who have a little cash to throw around.  This is the time for bold, decisive action, and a radical departure from the norm.  Is this country prepared?  Only time will tell.

Lefty Pop, the worlds greatest website, and the worlds funniest people, and me.

Big news!  No, seriously big news.  My blog post about nature, and mankind, working together to make things even worse than they are already are was noticed, and published, on a nationally renown, respected, solemn, serious news site.  Okay, they didn't accidentally notice the post, I sent it to them, and they are probably not all that solemn, or serious, but they were smart enough to recognize my keen insight, tireless research, and unfailing reasoning, or they couldn't find anything better.

But, I don't care, they are fantastic people, with a fantastic website, and a marvelous sense of humor, and I think I love them, and so should you.

Stop at the site, and tell them how much you loved my post, it is your duty.

Tis the season.

We have made it safely to the middle of September.  It was a bumpy ride, and there were no guarantees, but here we are.  It is time to prepare for the most joyous of seasons, a time of boundless giving, and receiving, a glorious, wonderful season of sharing, and caring.  Yes, it is almost time for the year end employee performance evaluation.

It is never too early to start getting an early jump on your superiors opinion of your abilities, assuming you haven't started already by performing solidly all year long, and who bothers with that.  All of that hard work, tireless, constant, endless work.  There is no need, either, with a few simple steps you can assure yourself a big boost on your payday bundle of joy.

According to Time Magazine the FBI Behavioral Unit has a remarkable recipe for building rapport with people (Hey, how about a little something, something for me).  Normally, these techniques are used to control lethal situations, and manipulate potentially dangerous people.  But, these steps can be successful when applied to an employer gripping tightly to corporate purse strings.

First step, "establish artificial time constraints."  Try something along the lines of "I think I can rush out and buy you a wonderful lunch, and hurry it back here,and still have plenty of time to wash and wax your car."  Supervisory personnel love subordinates who understand multi-tasking, and time management skills.

Next, "make sure your body language in sync."  Try crawling in on your hands and knees, and begging for a raise.  It shows you have respect for your employer.

Third, "speak slowly."  "I,   would,   love,   to,   paint,   your,   basement,   for,   you."

There are more, and we will get to these in future posts, but I need to run out and get a dozen donuts and take them over to my bosses house.  I hear the family is wild about glazed with sprinkles.

Another Crisis Averted.

Look, I don't want to complain, but there is something troubling happening here on Google, Blogger.  Someone seems to have runoff with my password, and has added a bunch of pointless, meaningless posts.  Worse still, they seem to have made use of Dr. Dawg's Time Machine and gone backward to add these rambling, almost incoherent wastes of time over the last several years.

I would like to jump ahead and see what kind of idiocy they post in the future, but it would probably be more embarrassment than a person should have to endure.

This is awful!  Suppose I try to get a job, or start a business, or borrow money from a bank, or buy a house, or retire to a nice, sunlit community in rolling hills of Tennessee.  What then, what will these people think when they see my name tied to such incoherent, mindless drivel?!?!?!

Oh, I'm glad that crisis has passed.  Thank you Dr. Dawg.  How is the Presidential Campaign looking?

Never pass up a good thing.

Next week the company that employs me is having a meeting, several ranking members of our marketing, product development and sales teams are flying into town.  It will be a serious, considered meeting, and there will be many important things discussed, and potentially the road to boundless success, untrammeled good fortune, and exotic riches will be mapped, and the first steps taken.  But, with any luck there will be donuts.  Not that I am invited to the meeting, (thank goodness, I can get myself in enough trouble without being stuck in a room filled with important company people, and donuts) but often they buy donuts for everyone (thank goodness).

Bagels would be ok, too.  Donuts are the hallmark of a good meeting, though.  And, I have researched this very carefully, "meeting donuts" don't count against daily caloric intake.  It is a little known rule of mathematical physics that ("MD(c)=<(H2O+C(ndc))".  MD(c) stands for the (c)alorie from Donuts provided at a Meeting are equal to or less than a glass of water and a cup of Coffee with (n)on (d)airy (c)reamer (which means it is not from a dairy, it seems).  OK, I just made that up, but it would be rude to ignore free donuts.

Even my doctor, who despises almost everything I do, does not approve of being ill mannered.  And really, who does, particularly when it comes to donuts, or bagels, or cookies, (cookies would be ok, too, or maybe cupcakes, those are always good).

Anyway, one good way of planning a weekly menu for your family is by the meetings being held where you work.  Since I am in charge of making lunches for my wife and I, it is crucial to keep a careful eye on the facility use where she works.  if there is a meeting of the managing directors I can probably skip making her lunch that day, figuring she can scavenge from the buffet they are sure to have.  There are always leftovers and if lunch does not need to be made, we can hit the snooze button one more time.

Plus, a free lunch is free.  And that is good for the old budget.  As Ray Davies sang, so wisely

"Cheap is small and not too steep,
But best of all cheap is cheap."

So, if you want to save some money, get some extra sleep (and who doesn't?) offer to clean up after the company meetings (for the love of God, don't offer to join the meeting, those things can last for decades).  Not only will you look like a team player, you will get some free food, plus sometimes you can find a little change that fell out of one of the Armanis.  Plus, it will get you out of performing whatever meaningless, thankless,humiliating, task you were performing so admirably and with such finesse and precision.

Exciting news from the world of electronics.

As many of you know I am an unabashed iPhone user.  It is a fantastic little device, fun, flexible, and it fits in my pocket.  It is powerful, portable, and filled with potential, it is unique in design, thoughtfully, and carefully developed...  Well, you get the idea, I really like my iPhone (it is an iPhone 5, by the way).  It was exciting reading the releases detailing the new iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Even Better Version (I can't really remember what the designation was).  Clearly Apple and the iPhone are heading in the correct direction.

Which is to say, it is getting bigger, that is the wave of smart phones, bigger, and bigger.  These companies want us to abandon our puny little devices that fit so comfortably in our pocket, for these ever expanding behemoths.  "Introducing the New Samsung Jumbotron!  Watch television, surf the internet, or stream the game and check the scores with your family, and friends, and a few strangers from the street, with the monstrous, new Samsung Jumbotron."

But, what happened to the day when all of the cool people had tiny cell phones?  When a sure sign of success was the biggest SUV, and the tiniest little cell phone, what of those days?  How do we reconcile that?

Everything Old Is New Again.

With the new Smart Wear, that's how.  Apple, LG, Samsung, Sony and maybe more are introducing watches that will act like phones, I think, and let you perform certain computer functions, Dick Tracy like, right on your watch.  Yes, friends, you will be able to foil the nefarious plans of Sal Monella, Hammer Head, and Nicky the Assassin, all while looking sleek, dapper and trendy, without ever having to remove your cell phone from your pocket.  Well, maybe not that much like Dick Tracy.  But, he could never read his email on his watch, and you probably can't either, but you can do something smart on your watch, maybe, I'm not really sure.

Clearly, the trend is bigger is better, and smaller and wearable is better, too.  I guess, now you can have it all, big, gaudy and extravagant, and small, sleek, expensive, and a little pointless.  No need to choose anymore.  Isn't technology wonderful.

Coming Soon

The world is a big place, and it holds a lot of people.  Many of these people have different beliefs, values and traditions.  All of which are important, and have merit, all of which should be respected, and allowed to flourish.  Of course, all of these different cultures, and dogmas can occasionally lead to conflict.  It leads a gentle soul to anguish, and mourning the time wasted with bigotry and dogma.  What if more time were spent trying to understand each other, accept each other, and welcome each other?  What then, would the world be a happier place, would  people spend their energy in the service of greater good?  Who knows?

To that end, Life Explained is going to take one small step and explain to the world why football, as played, watched, adored, hated, and obsessed over in America is such a remarkable game.  Why it is so transformational, entertaining and beloved that everybody should learn to scream "off tackle dive play on third and four, what kind of *$*#()#** idiot would call that play?!?!?!!!" at their television, and how that kind of behavior can save the world from anger and hate.

"Cue the music"

To do this we are writing a compelling, moving, beautifully crafted essay on the values imparted by regimented team play, and insanely compulsive attention to detail, and, of course storming up and down the sidelines berating officials, players, fans, mascots, and cheerleaders.  We are going to explain how a "cover two" defense with a "will blitz package" may actually end war.  And we are going to have a video, with music.

To complement this wonderful, selfless act of charity we have partnered with the good people of The Blog Of Thog, who are going to attempt to explain how football to the rest of the world, soccer to Americans, is really a game with strategies, and intrigue, and has the potential to allow for the all important screaming at a television set.  And he is going to add a video production of inestimable value.  Also, rumor has it that there is a new animation program in the Blog of Thog headquarters, so there may be some remarkable special effects.

As you can see there is a lot of buzz around the ol' blogosphere in the near future.  So, get the popcorn, nachos and beer ready, break out the high definition large screen tablets, and get ready.

In unrelated news, our search for a celebrity spokesperson is still underway.  We have "broadened" standards to include radio hosts, and people who have been a contestant on Jeopardy, and we are not requiring that they won.  If you meet that criteria, are willing to work for free, with the possibility of a big payday when we syndicate, and don't want to have any control on content, please contact us at "tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com"

A little help, please.

Last night the moon was huge, it looked as if it were dropping in for a visit, maybe a danish, coffee, and the morning news.  It was even a little intimidating to look at, it was so big.  How small and insignificant these things make humanity seem, the world that surrounds us, and the universe that surrounds that, it is mystifying, grandiose and infinite.  And we are a small, pointless little infestation, filled with self importance and ego, sure of our infallibility, and our place in the universe.  Which is why we invented television

Ah, the joys of television, the guilty pleasure of watching Dr. Phil bring the hammer down on some poor schmuck, all while thinking, "what a moron.  I am way smarter than that dunce."  Maybe so.  Dr, Phil too real for you?  Try "reality television," it is completely divorced from reality.  Watching reality television is a little like watching professional wrestling, shifting alliances, well documented subterfuge, and sabotage, and the slight chance for an occasional injury.  Injuries, and Machiavellian intrigue in front of film crew, a microcosm of the human experience.  If this is not sounding like your cup of TV, don't give up yet.

There is televised sports, a sure fire escape, and if the game is not enough you can tune into a sports programming television network, and listen to them talk about sports all day long, into the night, and into the next day.  Lose yourself in high lights, and endless, explosive description of games that are already over.  It is a love/hate relationship without hope for escape. Everybody who watches sports with any frequency can tell you exactly why a team lost.  And it never involves the simple explanation, "wow, that team was a lot bigger, stronger, and faster than my team."  Deep inside every sports fan is a hall of fame coach, just one small break from a million dollar contract, a series of championships, and the love of all those adoring fans.

You might be asking yourself, "where is all this mindless, pointless drivel going?"  If so, you are probably new to this blog, but there is a point.  I have a showdown, with pride, and national identity on the line, well maybe not national identity, or pride, but a showdown, with +Mike Raven, from The Blog of Thog, about football, American Style, versus Football, the rest of the world style, which is, sort of, a continuation of our video production death match, and I find myself lacking any decent football video, that is not copyrighted or protected, and is free to use, I would hate to pirate anything, and end up breaking rocks in the "big house."  If you have any please email me at "tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com, or just let me know where to find it by putting in a link in the comment section.

PS, sort of.

As a small addition to today's post about the Cornhuskers I should mention that +Mike Raven  the genius behind The Blog Of Thog!, a blogger, and videographer without equal, are combining for a multi-media football sensation.

We are going to detail the two footballs, the kind watched here in the US, and the kind watched everywhere else in the world.

I will be representing football, enjoyed, and agonized over in the United States, and Mike will be providing crucial insight into the football enjoyed and rioted over in the rest of the world.

Being experienced bloggers, as we are, provides keen insight into the respective games, and the nuances, and minutiae involved in the successful execution of a plan as devised by a highly paid coach, and implemented by extravagantly talented players.  Maybe, or maybe we will just guess, or make up some stuff.

Anyway, it is one less post that needs to be dreamed up over a second cup of coffee.  Now you have something to gleefully anticipate.  Maybe.

A Hero Saves the Day.

It was a terrifyingly close call yesterday.  The game could have gone either way, and it was not decided until the very end.  But, in the end a shiny knight, a determined, willful, young man, using speed, elusiveness, and power rescued a team, and it's fans.

The Cornhuskers played a very

determined opponent, a team hell bent on bringing home a victory as well as a big pay check.  They intended to be the loathsome, conquering invaders, sieging the Big Red Empire.  Cowboy hordes from Louisiana with evil intentions.  How difficult the situation looked with less than a minute left.

Most of the day our high powered offense was outrun, and over-powered, and McNeese State looked like a team that had every right to be playing at Memorial Stadium on Saturday, in the fall.  They were fast, ruthless, angry, and impressive.

With time running out, and things looking desperate, we needed something, some spark, somebody had to do something.  Third and six, at our own 41, and people all over were hoping for a first down, and another play that would bring us to within field goal range, at least people around here.

A quick, short pass to Ameer Abdullah, who stepped backward to avoid one tackle, headed upfield slowing long enough to deliver a hammering blow to three defenders, who fell to the ground as he ran past, and people in the stands held their breath.  After picking up a couple blocks, including a crucial down field hit from Jordan Westerkamp, who proved he can make magic without catching the ball, he shifted into a higher gear, sprinted into the endzone and won the game, and people in the stands let out a shout of glorious gratitude, and relief.

Earlier in the week the Cornhuskers had tweeted some of Abdullah's stats, and they were impressive.  But, the thing that stayed with me, was the hashtag, #FearAmeer, mostly because it was so catchy.  Today, it seems we should add a few well deserved hashtags.  I would like to nominate #ThankAmeer, and, possibly #AdoreAmeer, though, in fairness, I did not have to try to tackle him when he was determined to save the day.

Once more to quote Bob Dylan,

"Thunder on the mountain, fires on the moon,
There's a ruckus in the alley and the sun will be here soon,
Today's the day, gonna grab my trombone and blow,
Well, there's hot stuff here and it's everywhere I go.

Thank you, Bob, and thank you Ameer.

Curse you, hackers.

We, here at Life Explained, are embarrassed to report that one of our Cloud accounts has been hacked, and there were numerous compromising photos and videos stolen and leaked to various unscrupulous media outlets.  Of course, the truly embarrassing part was when all of the photos and videos were returned, unused.

It seems no one is interested in a group of middle aged scientists, engineers, and their assistants no matter how provocative.  Even the video taken in the kitchen after the "Great Chocolate Cake" fiasco.  It is a big mistake to allow a bunch of sheltered, fiber loving, low carb, low sugar, healthy eaters to indulge in big cups of strong coffee and large slabs of birthday cake with delicious, sugary icing layered in inches.

For about forty five minutes it was like the wild west in there.  Scientists bickering about the best way to slice a cake, wrestling over the who got part of the cake with the frosting flowers, (they had precisely calculated how much more frosting was in one rose) threatening each other with the jagged ends of broken laboratory beakers, bawdy jokes involving interns and the theory of relativity.  Then came the crash.  They dropped like lead bricks, all over the kitchen, draped over chairs, laying on tables, faces buried on plates that had been licked clean.   After that we started spiking the water supply with small amounts of sugar to build up some tolerance.

Not a real football player, or coach

In unrelated news, we, here at Life Explained, are still seeking a celebrity spokesperson, having been snubbed by our first two choices, we are now going to approach Oklahoma State Football Coach, and former quarterback, Mike Gundy.  A man who is comfortable in front of a microphone, and in front of a large crowd.  We were thinking about asking the Duke basketball coach, but we have no idea how to spell his last name.

Help Wanted, Little Work, Less Pay.

Business has really been picking up, and things are looking very bright, there is a palpable buzz, we have really turned a corner.  Since all of this success is taking so much of our time, we, here at Life Explained, have decided it is time to take the next step, time to take the plunge, time to reach a little higher, spread our wings just a bit further, time to quit messing around, grab the brass ring, and way too many other metaphors to list individually, however if you have a favorite and would like to see it used in a future blog post, please email us at tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com, and we will work it into a future installment.  Where were we, oh yes, we have decided to make use of a celebrity endorser.

Oh, sure, there are risks.  Suppose the celebrity endorser robs a bank, or steals a car, or indulges in an interstate crime spree, leaving a trail of destruction, despair and misery across the country, what then?  Well, any publicity is good publicity, right?  We don't mind a little controversy here at Life Explained, we welcome people who are unafraid to take a few risks, and kick over a few apple carts.  Of course, we don't really condone kicking over apple carts, mind you, that is a little excessive, and wasteful.  We read that a daily serving of fruit will reduce the risk of heart attack by 40%, and that is significant, and nobody wants to eat apples from a cart that has been kicked over, they are bruised, and dirty, and have little bits of gravel stuck in the...  Well, that is not important right now.

Paid celebrity endorser, not an actual
reader of this blog.

The United States Treasury (or whoever decides whose picture gets to be on money) only uses people who have been dead long enough that their reputation should remain untainted.  We considered that approach, but a decent celebrity endorser is difficult enough to find.  Looking for a suitable celebrity endorser long ago deceased is too time consuming and expensive to justify, we are on a budget, you know.  Besides, we like to think we are pretty "hip," and "with it," and needed someone who reflects our "cool" persona, and that sort of dictates somebody who has not been deceased for a couple of decades.

So, we are approaching several "A List" celebrities, including 10TV meteorologist Mike Davis, and a Professor of Anthropology at a well known, prestigious university, offering them the position.  But, just in case those fall through, and you are a celebrity, or know a celebrity, who might be interested, and is willing to endorse, for free (that part is very important, our money goes to pure scientific research, pizza, and non alcohol drink products) please email us Tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com.

Everything has a price.

Without a Monday the week has been thrown into chaos.  Days are crashing into each other, smashing up against nights, and things are looking bleak.  There is no order, no sense, and there is a lawless, violent attitude.  Wednesday, normally kind, polite, and considerate, actually pulled a knife on Tuesday night, and started forty five minutes earlier than was scheduled.  Some clocks were so confused they stopped working, and formed a small militia with the intent of straightening out the whole mess.

These clocks stole a mass transit bus, drove it through the Week Day Police Barricade and smashed into the Office of Temporal Management (OTM, in government shorthand).  Sadly, nobody was there, they had decided one day was not enough to celebrate the labor that had been performed over the course of the summer, the year, or all of history, they were not sure what period of labor was being honored on Labor Day.  But, they were pretty certain it would take at least seven days to pay a proper tribute.

Since clocks have such linear thinking they were unsure how to proceed and milled about the offices, making coffee, answering phones, filling in forms, and filing them away.  On Thursday the Superintendent of the Building of Reality Allocation where the OTM is located received a phone call complimenting the workers in that particular office.  It was the first time anyone had ever said anything nice about anybody anywhere in the building.  The caller actually said "my appointment went like clockwork, it started right on time, and a few ticks later I was on my way."

Now  it was the Superintendent who was unsure how to proceed.  After careful consideration, he issued an executive order firing everyone in the OTM.  It was the only reasonable course of action, he knew that the other offices were still filled with people just putting in their time, and one office filled with efficiency and swiss watch precision was going to make the rest of the place look even worse.

On Monday they accidentally hired the entire vacationing staff to fill the office, clocks are back to keeping time, and waking people at godless, terrible hours, and things are back to normal, at least until Memorial Day.

A desperate plea for help.

Today we are going to discuss commuting, in general, and early morning commuting, before rush hour, in particular, 6:00 AM to 6:30 AM commuting on a three lane freeway in Central Ohio, specifically.  This commute should be painless, for the most part.  There are three lanes, and these are divided by the speed at which the driver feels comfortable.

In the right hand lane are two types of driver.  Right Lane Driver type #1 - those who enjoy the slow life, don't mind slowing, or hurrying to allow vehicles entering from the ramp, and have plenty of time to get to work.   These drivers never have high blood pressure, and eat a lot of salads.  Right Lane Driver Type #2 - those who are about to exit.

The middle lane is for drivers who have audio books and like to spend a little time relaxing with their favorite author before beginning their day.  It would be so inconvenient to have to adjust your speed at every ramp for merging traffic, and the middle lane is slow enough to provide plenty of time to enjoy almost a whole chapter.  If traffic is heavy it might be a chapter and a half.  Their day begins with a latte, a biscotti, sensible loafers, and something fashionable, and comfortable.  Occasionally, someone will provide a short irritant into their drive by slamming across all three lanes to exit, or reach the left hand lane, but their commute is a literary picnic, and they are happy about that.

"Hey, move it, I am barely staying ahead of the ambulance!"

In the left hand lane are people trying to get off the freeway, out of their car, and into what passes for life these days.  It is for people who hate driving, and just want to get it over with quickly.  They curse at people who force the use of brakes, "#*#@*!)*( you, can't you seem I am trying to get somewhere."  A smile crosses their face as the shift lever goes into park, and they are done with the potentially lethal practice of hurtling down the highway, hoping nobody crashes into them.

It is imperative that the left lane be respected, these are people on the edge, and this traffic should go approximately 7 to 12 miles an hour faster than the middle lane.  Differences in speed are calculated using a complex formula (that is way to difficult to explain in one blog post) considering such variables as weather, light conditions, congestion, and day of the week (Mondays are faster than Wednesdays, for example).  But, traffic flow permitting the left lane drivers should always be able to pass the middle lane driver in a manner that allows a feeling of superiority, and a smug satisfaction.  Is that asking too much?

It is a good idea to know what type of driver you are, and get in your lane, and stay there.  We, here at Life Explained are developing a test, and will post it soon.  You can thank us later.

Shopping, the Most Important Virtue.

Labor Day, the unofficial kick off of the Christmas Shopping Season.  Now is not the solstice of the season, but do not let that delay you.   Up quickly, shower, and you're off, shopping, fueling the great economic engine that runs this world.  Labor Day Sale, we think not, this is your first real Holiday Gift Sale, and it is your responsibility to take advantage.

When purchases are made it adds to the GDP, Gross Domestic Product, an important measure of how much money is spent.  Excessive spending used to be very unfashionable, and people would say things like, "look at how much that poor rube is spending, that is so gross."  Lately, though it has become very chic to practice blatant consumerism, and you want to be considered hip and with it, don't you?

Shopping can have many health benefits, as well.  Saturday, at the Bass Outlet Store in the Tanger Outlet Mall, they were having a sale on shoes, buy one get two free.  And the fight was on.  It was an intense workout, akin to boxing, or mixed martial arts.  Marauding shoppers roamed the narrow aisles running between the racks of bargain priced shoes. People were like animals, using baby strollers to plow through shoppers, elbowing, shoving, pushing, and scrambling for that perfect pair of casual, rugged looking shoes.  Shouting "excuse me" over their shoulders to the fallen, scrambling, wounded mass of humanity left in the wake.

Carrying shoes boxes in combinations of three, six, nine or twelve up to the front of the store, to stand humbly in line, sweat staining their clothing, waiting for the next available cashier.  Boxes towering above their heads, weaving, and waving back and forth hypnotically.  "Was anyone helping you?" the cashier asked.  "Well, that blond woman in the blood stained grey sweater stitched up my forearm after that nice looking older lady smashed me to the floor with her walker."

So, don't hesitate, do a quick carboload, pancakes are a good choice, maybe some bacon for protein, hydrate well, coffee (or Coca Cola, if you are so inclined, anything caffeinated) is always a good choice, grab the first aid kit and the industrial strength Discover card, and go grab some stuff, you know you want to.