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Saturday, May 30, 2015

An adventure in mediocrity.


Driving down the freeways of America is a great way to find out a little about yourself.  Without all of the life and civilization intruding into a trip you have time to look inward.  

This unique opportunity for introspection, this chance to examine what is important is so hard to find in today's hyperconnected, constantly plugged in world. Each of us carries ideas, thoughts, dreams, constantly bubbling subcutaneously.  Percolating, flowing, ebbing and waning, waiting to break through. Aching to be discovered. On this trip, for example, an idea came bounding through. Popping out, demanding action. 

I sprang from a packing stupor and downloaded an ecard app (appygraph, if you are interested, and for a free app it is remarkably flexible). I am going to use it to document the trip through the heartland.  I am going to post a progress report on Facebook.

I am not an artistic photographer, my hands shake too much, and my impatience, and haste force me to rush the shot, so I am going to pass the beauty and take pictures of the more ordinary. Figuring it is best to leave the beautiful, spectacular vistas, and gorgeous scenes filled with color, contrast, and all of those important artistic elements to those steady handed, rock solid, keen eyed photo geeks with their expensive cameras and multiple lenses, apertures and focal lengths walking around with bags, and straps, and light meters, acting as though they have some sort of spiritual attachment to the simple practice of pointing a machine at an object and pushing a button, like that takes some divine, instinctive talent… Oops.

Anyway, I will focus on the more average, more typical snapshots of Americana. It will be Postcards From the Mundane.  A series, by Life Explained.
At some point it will become an award winning documentary with musical accompaniment by an artist to be named later.  But, you will not to wait that long, get on the band wagon while there is still room, and the ticket price is still reasonable.

Please join us on our travels here, Our Home on Facebook.

Saturday, May 23, 2015

Don't worry, the machines won't take over, there isn't time.

Today we are going to discuss artificial intelligence. It is a term that carries a lot of freight. Fiction is rife with examples of AI going sour.  HAL in 2001 A Space Odyssey not only decides to kill his human shipmates he also wipes up the chess board with one of them. Not cool Hal, not cool.

And who can forget Ash from Alien?  He tried to kill Sigourney Weaver, one of the toughest, most handsome, female space trucking conglomerate employees of all time. He probably would have succeeded too, had it not been for the timely intervention of Yaphet Kotto (who is, believe it or not, 75 years old this year (2015)). Thank you, Yaphet, you really saved the movie, there. Yes, we know Ash also tried to bring that awful alien thing back to Earth, but he was just doing his job, just following orders, nothing he could really do about that. It's a living and we all have to eat.  Besides, it turns out Predators had already stocked the Polar Ice Cap with hundreds of the damn things. Predators really are jerks, you know?

Skynet from terminator, another example of AI gone a little too far.  All those robots from I Robot, they got a little carried away, who knows what would have happened had it not been for Will Smith. This was after he helped save us from those creepy alien capitalists in Independence Day. That guy deserves some sort of award.

Has Artificial Intelligence received a lot of bad press, or are we all doomed to be strangled in our sleep by the the charger cables that give life to our phones, our preciousses?  We don't know.

We programmed a learning algorithm into our new computer, (a Microsoft Surface Pro 3, with attached keyboard) added the personality traits from one of the teachers at the local high school, and ran simulations using the latest issues of several magazines reporting on computers and electronics.  We focused mostly on "Nuts, and Volts" and "Maximum PC" because they had the coolest names.

After running multiple scenarios for several days, comparing the results, adjusting for every conceivable variable, and comparing the results using parameters weighted by probability it came to an answer.

It made us sit in the front row, and comb our hair, then said.  "Look around the world, it is a mess. You should be so lucky to have to worry about a machine revolution."

Then it made us spit out our gum, sit up straight, and stay after school and write "I will not destroy the planet" fifty times on the chalkboard.

Now that we have an answer we can all sleep a lot easier.  As soon as detention is over.

Breaking News, and a video instead of pictures.

We here at Life Explained are taking a break from bringing you our lives represented in pictures, sort of (don't worry, we will be back to that drivel as soon as we figure out how to operate "Enlight" our new iPhone photo app, which does a lot of things, which makes it a little confusing). We needed to report on a disturbing new invasive species.

Right here in Central Ohio we have uncovered a threat to the continued existence of Mankind.  Where this threat came from is unclear, how it arrived is vague, and what we are going to do to combat it is uncertain.  But. why it is here is easy to understand.


That's right, coffee loving robots from space, or the future, (or maybe France, who knows?) are coming in droves and overrunning Starbucks, Speedways, BPs, First Watch and all places that serve cups of delicious, steaming hot, tasty coffee and slamming down the vital, essential elixir of life, free refills, and all.  

Nobody knows where this will all end.  People can get a little cranky without their coffee, and if they drink all of the Diet Coke next my wife will go ballistic.  Stay tuned, we will have updates, and advice, and more "news."

Also, we will have some cool movie trailers, and more video.  At this point we should probably thank the good people of Apple, Inc. for including iMovie with the iPhone 6, that is one seriously cool app. Man, technology can be fun.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Another chance, probably wasted, to save the world. Why do we bother?

Driving to work today we were behind a car that had personalized plates, with a purchased plate holder, and a bumper sticker.  So, in a couple of miles, driving about 70 miles an hour we learned that the woman driving the car was a fan (or graduate) of the local university, who liked to have fun, and was striving to be exceptional, and drove a Honda.  It was as though we were old friends.

We felt so connected to the woman in the Honda we started calling her Janet.  Everybody was excited to get the chance to follow such a dynamic, fun loving sports fan as Janet to work.  It would be a great way to start every day.

But, Bil, from accounting asked, "what if she just bought that stuff, what if it wasn't true?"

It was an epiphany, there was no truth in advertising for the back of a car.  For all we knew the woman in the Honda was a slothful, blissfully sub average, party killing, wet blanket who despised the local university.  It might have been a sham, we felt betrayed.

But it led to a conversation at the morning new product meeting.  What if we had to advertise our true character and emotional states on the backs of our cars.  Wouldn't the world be a much saner, safer place if you knew what the other people were really feeling.

With that in mind we would like to introduce;

THE LIFE EXPLAINED HONEST END OF CAR STICKER SYSTEM.

Everyday is different, everyday you are different, one adhesive, vinyl sheet espousing some emotional cliche cannot possibly convey the evolution, and changing condition of a person as diverse and wonderful as you, trust us.

Using a hook and loop fastener this system will allow the application of almost any state of being you can imagine.  We are constantly adding new sentiments to the catalog, there is something for everyone, everyday.  In a few seconds you are on your way to work, and the world will understand you a little better.  Not a bad way to start the day, is it?




Why settle for canned, pat, trite generalizations when you can cover the range of potential possibilities.  Humanity is diverse, wonderful, and slightly (or completely) psychotic.  A car should reflect that.

Act now, and check out our complete line of "Emotional Response Stimuli Conductors" to let the world know how you are feeling, every damn day.  It is your right, it is your privilege, it is your duty.  And your friends, coworkers, and fellow commuters will thank you.

We are getting ready to introduce our Mass Transit Line soon so all of you bus, and train riders start hounding city officials to loosen up the purse strings, and shell out the small pile of cash to install the Early Warning Mood System.  It will make it so much easier to choose the correct subway car, or bus.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

More of my life, in pictures, kind of.

Saturday my youngest son and I got haircuts.  As a little treat for both we stopped at McDonalds for coffee afterward.  I think McDonalds has great coffee, and my son likes the iced, sweetened versions.

We walked in, and there were several people standing by the counter. They had already ordered and were waiting for their food.  A gentleman standing, and waiting, told us as much.  But, my son had to decide which version of the sweet, delicious coffee he wanted, so we stood, while he decided.

Behind the cash register the girl was getting impatient, and said "I'm ready."  I held up one finger, trying to impress upon her that we would be a minute.  She said, with emphasis, "there is nobody in line, you're next."

"We're deciding," I said.  My son decided on a mocha/caramel Frappe.  Not very masculine, but very tasty, and sweet, and delicious.  I had coffee, I like coffee, a lot, and as stated earlier, I like McDonalds coffee.

When I ordered a coffee (for me) and a caramel/mocha Frappe for my son, she said "you have to choose mocha or caramel for the Frappe, you can't have both."  Scrambling, I saw a "mocha/caramel espresso" on the drink menu, and asked for that.

"Do you want that hot or cold?"  She demanded.

"Cold, icy cold." I said.

She could not find the button on the key pad that is a modern cash register, and had to call a manager.  Who came over and showed her where it was.  The register operator who needed help said "he want's it cold."

The manager looked at me and said, "do you want a mocha/caramel Frappe, then?"

"Yes, please, that would be great."

Mocha/caramel frappe, and coffee in hand, looking good with new haircuts, we took off.  Two guys, sipping coffee, and acting cool.

This was Saturday, before I decided to document my life in pictures, so I have no photos of this chapter, but
this morning when I got to work I did manage to snap a photo of two British World War II Supermarine Spitfires circling the light fixture upstairs. Rolls Royce Merlin engines humming, it was really an impressive sight, and I was glad to have arrived early, or they may have been gone.

Until tomorrow, friends.

"Truckin' got my chips cashed in, keep truckin' like the doo dah man,
Together, more or less in line, just keep truckin' on."*

*The profound wisdom of the Grateful Dead, and great words to live by.

Sunday, May 17, 2015

A day in the life.

I have decided to document my life, in photos. When out and about on one of the many adventures that fill an average Life Explained day I will snap photos of things I see then post them here.

To the right are some artificial flowers from an exciting, action packed trip to Taco Bell, where we ordered off the dollar menu.  My wife and I ordered off the dollar menu, anyway.  My son had something called the steak doubledilla.  It cost quite a bit, but it was big, and came in its own box.  It was highly recommended by his friend, who should know quite a bit about food, he works at Donato's Pizza.

And here is a photo from my fun filled joy ride of an adventure to Target to buy some bottled water.  My wife gave me very specific instructions.  Buy six cases of Aquafina, it is on sale.  And, she gave me a coupon, still attached to the advertisement that would trigger an award of a five dollar gift card.  She even binder clipped a gift card to the ad, right by the coupon. I swear she thinks of me as a child.  Hey, I can take care of things, I am a grown man.

The lines were not long, and I waited my turn, patiently, I am an adult, after all. When it was my turn I walked, briskly, efficiently, calmly, in complete control, up to the register.

WHAT?  She didn't clip the coupon.  Now, I would have to tear it off, trying not to rip it in half, in front of the whole store, this was madness!  But, the young man at the register scanned the coupon, and took care of everything, before I could even start to panic, too much.  He handed me my gift card, my receipt, my new gift card, smiled reassuringly and thanked me.

I told him "wow, that was amazing, you were like a machine! That was so fast, and easy."  He thanked me, and I went to the food counter to buy a Coke and a bag of popcorn, which is kind of a ritual and my son was thought we should, so we did.

I have a theory, when you have free refills it demands a certain level of gluttony.  So, I said to my son, "here, give that glass before you put on the lid."  And I was drinking some, maybe a lot.

While I was enjoying my long, delicious drink somebody touched my shoulder from behind and said "sir, can I talk to you."  It scared the bejezus out of me.  I thought for sure they were going to make me pay for another Coke, and my mind was scrambling for a reason to drink extra pop (or soda, or cola, or whatever).  She asked me about the young man at the register, and I said he was great.  In my relief at not being harassed about my sudden, overpowering, unquenchable thirst I started talking a little too fast, and a little too much.  Fortunately I managed to stop short of telling her how much I hate shopping at Target.  I am a rock.

Then it hit me, my life is pretty dull, and considering how quickly I fly into full blown, half crazed agitation, and frenzy it is probably a good thing.  So I have decided to chronicle my life in pictures and make them seem more interesting than they are.  On the right is a picture of the artificial flowers at Taco Bell re-enacting the battle of  Anzio.  And it was pretty convincing too.  On the right is a picture of aliens getting ready to attack Target, Wal-Mart was too crowded, I guess.




Friday, May 15, 2015

A long overdue security upgrade here at Life Explained.

We here, at Life Explained, are huge, positively huge, fans of technology.  We use Apple stuff, Google stuff, Microsoft stuff, we even looked for some Linux, but they seemed to be completely out at the local gigantic Electronics Stupendous Shop.  We looked all over the place, and couldn't find any boxed Linux.  Or an employee to ask for help.  It is not the best place to buy equipment, but you can get a new movie and a 10 pound (4.53 kilogram) box of chocolate covered raisins, a 2 liter (8.45 cups) bottle of soda, and a couple of packages of Fruit by the Foot ($450.00 dentist bill), while you are picking up a new cell phone, laptop, or microwave.  We love that place.

Obviously, we are huge fans of technology (and snacking, and movies).  So, when we saw the outrageous monthly fee charged for monitoring the security system we jumped into the fray, and came up with a much less expensive, more elegant solution.

We took the panel the thieves former security company had installed and wired it to a dedicated computer.  After running an artificial intelligence routine with a variable to account for human interaction, with the ability to choose between several options we programmed all of the "personality" traits of each employee, past and present into the software.

We felt this would help the computer decide on the best action after carefully weighing all of the alternatives.  We don't want a heartless killing machine watching over the building.  Power requires discretion and choosing when to use force is not to be taken lightly.

This morning we went live.  Here is the video.


We might have to remove some of the "human," out of the algorithm and install a little more "machine."  Still we are saving a bundle on fees every month.  Most of us feel fairly secure, and we have some donuts, somewhere, in the building.

Saturday, May 9, 2015

Deflate Gate, it is an illness not a crime

There has been a lot of progress lately in the field of understanding and battling addictive behaviors. Smoking, drinking, gambling, all are treatable through medication, therapy, and counseling. Obviously, these are not the only problems that can be viewed through a medical prism.

Shoplifting can be a sign of kleptomania, an overwhelming, uncontrollable urge to take things that do not belong to the patient.  It is a treatable affliction, and these people need support and sympathy.

But, the umbrella should cover all of those in need, all of those who have urges they are unable to deny. It is folly to think we have discovered all of the ailments.  Life changes, opportunities abound for new schisms.

Everyday new problems manifest themselves. Unusual urges that defy control are more commonplace. These illnesses need to be treated as briskly as victims of the new, and various influenza strains that arise yearly.

We should not turn our back on anybody in need.  Addictive behaviors are a cry for help, no matter how innocuous it seems.  So, please give generously to the newest needs, it is our duty as a society to help everybody in need.  We can start with Tom Airless Brady Syndrome (TABS).  Together we can stamp out the awful desire to let the air out of inflated things.
 

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Heading to Mars, do you need a lift?

It seems that Bill Nye, the so called Science Guy, co wrote an article for National Geograpic explaining how a manned mission to Mars was a possibility.  Well, Mr. Nye, the "science guy" let me ask you something.  Why didn't we think of that?  Oh, we did!

In the article Bill, (you don't mind if we call you Bill, do you?) explains the potential vehicle for transport, and the costs involved.  Well, Bill, we would like you to consider using our Uber Mars Ride Sharing program.  We are going, anyway, you might as well save a few bucks, and let us take care of the driving.

That's right, Billy, (you don't mind if we call you Billy, do you?) you can grab a newspaper, and recline in our premium leather seats, and let the kitchen prepare your food, to taste, from our complete menu, including Kosher, low calorie, low carbohydrate, and gluten free choices.

But, why stop there, William (you don't mind if we call you William, do you?)? Join the other passengers in the theater portion of the Uber Rocket to Mars, and enjoy first run movies with Dolby, surround sound, and complimentary buttered popcorn.  Or, head down to the arcade, and compete in one of the many video game tournaments taking place.  There is always something new and exciting while traveling with Life Explained Interplanetary Uber Lifts.

And, Willy, (you don' mind if we call you Willy, do you?) what do you have planned on this visit to Mars? Why not stay in the brand new Life Explained Luxury Hotel and Casino.  Covering three acres of prime Martian real estate this fantastic new hotel is home to the largest casino not located on the planet Earth (we think), an indoor water park, three lounges, two theatres and a indoor race track, in case you want to play the ponies a bit, while visiting the Red Planet, and an RV park, but no one has used that, yet.

So, is the trip to Mars possible?  It sure is.  Is it affordable? With our new reduced rates* you can't afford not to go.  Is it fun? Heck yes! Where do I go to sign up? Email us, or leave a comment on this post, and we will book you on the next flight.  But, you might have to ride with Bill Nye.  Will that be a problem?

Monday, May 4, 2015

Monday, a day of... well you decide.

We survived another weekend, and made it safely through to Monday.  It wasn't easy, and there were several close calls, but we are all back, safely, at work, here at the Top Secret Life Explained headquarters. Now that we have put all of that ugly freedom, and indulgence behind us we can get back to work.

Once the lawn was mowed it was as though time had stopped. There was nothing to justify our existence. Wandering from one pleasant experience to the next was torture. A void raged across the face of our world, consuming all in it's path. Nothing but light, casual conversation, and relaxed attitudes.

A walk through the park, filled with the joyful sound of laughing, playing children, who can endure those things.  Everywhere you looked, smiling, happy youth, and energy rushing with glee from one activity to the next.  It was so distracting. No structure, no framework, no guidance.

It would not have been so bad but the weather was perfect, sunny, warm, and wonderful. It was a little sickening. Grilling some chicken last night, with a drink of tequila, and a Dos Equis to celebrate Cinco De Mayo*, sitting next to a gorgeous, charming woman was almost more than we should be asked to tolerate.

But, at last we are back to the grindstone, working, producing, taking care of things.  Under the florescent lights, sounds muffled by the oppressive expectations of working for a living. Answering the alarm clock, rising early, and going to work.  Ah, the joys of responsibility, and the pleasure of being held accountable...

Wait, what the hell is going on here!?!?!?  Hey, find out who typed that first part and send them to the infirmary.  Better yet, send them to the psychiatrist. Or, better still fire them, they are obviously a danger to themselves and everybody else.

We will now return you to our regularly scheduled programming.






*Yes we know we were technically celebrating Tres De Mayo, but a busy schedule, and the security requirements of working for a top secret research and development facility require the alteration of certain laws of time and space.**

**Not really.

Saturday, May 2, 2015

The Race Is On.

It is an exciting time to be an American. With the presidential election cycle approaching it is time to stock up on snacks, and drinks, and mud proof clothing. It will be several glorious months learning the best and worst of the presidential hopefuls. It will be an enlightening and terrifying, and glorious, and horrible, and we will be glued to the coverage. Unable to look away, unable to avert our gaze, unable to forget the images of our potential leader absolutely trashing each other.

Where else will you get to find out the "values" of our society, spelled out in graphic detail. One, shining, bright example of  patriotism and wholesomeness exposing the wretched, filth, and corruption in others.  It is like Captain America telling voters about Satan. Except Satan would never lower himself to run for office in America, it is too base, and deceitful.

There is a lot to be learned from presidential hopefuls, but most of it is very difficult to believe. Who could believe that there were so many people, so corrupt, so incompetent, in the higher reaches of government? It is important to remember, when you are losing all faith in elected officials, that they are pulled from the general public, that they are just us. So, there it is, scattered all over the television, America's dirty laundry aired for all to see. Sixty second glimpses into the state of America, bought to you, at great expense, by other Americans.  Americans who are trying to help you decide between candidates, who start to sound remarkably similar.

Candidates raise enormous, obscene amounts of money, most of the money will be spent on losing, it is a sad truth, that only one person can win the election. We need to make it more fair, similar to youth sports where every participant gets a trophy.  Otherwise all of that money, impossibly huge sums of money, piles of money that are ridiculously huge, laughable in size and scope, for all but one candidate will be wasted.  Which is sad.  I am not going to try to tell you how much money it is, it is beyond the scope of my simple mind.

But, it is not only the money involved. Think of all the poor volunteers, and supporters. All of the time, and passion, and faith wasted. Sometimes these poor people have switched candidates two or three or more times. Their first choice drops out after South Carolina, and they hitch the cart to some blazing hot property storming through Texas, Tennessee, and Colorado.  But, red hot politicos can fizzle out under the intense scrutiny of a multi candidate debate.  A smiling face imposed over a waving flag makes for a good commercial but won't save a wilting performance while being called out on immigration issues.

These poor people are stuck backing one loser after another, and it makes for a poor election night result.  Finding out your third or fourth choice is not good enough, one more disappoint in a string of election cycle heartache.

Now imagine if everybody who raised a hideous pile of coin, so big as to be unimaginable, a crushing, terrible amount of cash, where allowed a turn at being president.  Of course they would need to pass certain requirements, and would have no more power than the average president.  And, instead of spending all of that money campaigning they would have to donate it to all a good charity, like the US economy.  But, everybody could  be happy, for a while, the country goes on down the path to the next election cycle.

Donate to your favorite candidate, he has a real chance this time, they all have a real chance.

Friday, May 1, 2015

Oh no, not another new blog.

I have another new blog (Thank you Jeremy Crow), Life Explained explains aging.  I am kind of good at this, I am even aging right now.  If you want to know how, go check it out.  And check out this video from one of my favorite new apps, Cam Animate.  It proves you are only as old as you feel, and I feel confused.