Team Building, and Brotherhood in the Workplace

Today we are going to talk briefly about the importance of maintaining a decent relationship with your coworkers. You spend so much time at work, and so many things require cooperation, and mutual respect that it is foolish to bicker and quarrel with fellow employees.

We, here at Life Explained, take our responsibilities toward our fellow stakeholders very seriously. We bought in a consultant from a large consulting firm to help us build strong ties, and foster a feeling of camaraderie, and mutual understanding.

One of the first exercises was called "Building Understanding Through Healthy Exchange And Dialogue. The consultant gave everybody a piece of paper and a pen. and asked us all to write down a secret, something shameful, and dark, that was never talked about, at work, or home, or even in our cups.

It seemed unusual, but we, here at Life Explained, take things very seriously. We obliged, handing our darkest secrets to this well dressed guy with the expensive looking watch and briefcase.  He sat down, at the table, on the stage in the auditorium, and read them.  His face became increasingly distorted, his eyes darting around the room, sweat started to bead on his brow, and his hands were shaking.

He left the papers, and the briefcase, and ran out the door, screaming "you people should be put away."

We were shocked. What was that all about?  Everybody looked at the person beside them, wandering what sort of monster was in the seat, right next to them. What had they done that was so awful that it would send a growing man running at full speed, screaming at full volume, from a crowded auditorium. An auditorium we had spent a considerable sum to rent.

Everybody was afraid to make any sudden moves, sitting next to... well, who knows what kind of beast they were sitting beside.

Security gathered the papers, and burned them. The consulting company refunded our money, very quickly. We decided joining a bowling league was a good way to build a sense of family, and it was.

In fact the results were so phenomenal we have decided to branch out a little. We have seen first hand the money that team work consultants charge, and there is no reason we can't bring in a little of that. Welcome to the "Life Explained Teamwork, Unity, Sanity and the Evolution of Advanced Teamwork."  We are here to help.

By the way, this is the first of the new logos, if you like it please let us know, if you don't like it, please tell us you like it, we are very fragile, just kidding, let us know if we are headed in the right direction.

vote for Dr. Dawg, what do you have to lose?

Dr. Dawg for President, Hey,you could do worse.

The power went out at work today, fortunately, not until after I had downloaded the free app of the day.  Halftones 2.  It is time to start campaigning.

Doctor Dawg, he won't make any big mistakes.

Life Explained, under construction

"Everything passes,

Everything changes,

Just do what you think you should do,

And someday, maybe

Who know's baby

I'll come and be cryin' to you."

Bob Dylan (from to Ramona)

"I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predestined, and that we can do nothing to change it, look before they cross the road."

Stephen Hawking.

Change is part of life, and trying to understand life, which is the whole reason I started this blog, (though, I occasionally lose my way) has taught me that you have to accept the flow of life, and adjust your sails to account for the constantly changing winds.

But, the lack of success made me complacent. If few people are looking at your posts it is easy to put your feet up, grab the coffee, or water, or a cold beer, or the Merlot, and just type away, just trying to come up with enough words to appease your inner demons, and hit publish.

Recently Jeremy Crow of the the Whacko Series of blogs mentioned my blog in one of his posts. This has provided what has to be considered the Whacko Bump.  Page-views, and comments, and all of those things bloggers long for.  And it is great.

Not only that, but he is an exercise guy so his Health Whacko tips have started to kick my workouts into warp drive (pardon me, but my geekiness needs fed occasionally). I am really starting to see the difference.

So, when Mr. Crow speaks I listen. Recently he pointed out that the visual appeal of a blog can have a direct relationship with popularity I decided to change my logo, and my background picture, and probably the layout.  

I am going to start the design process, but I am also looking to you, the fabulously creative bloggers out there with who might have some free time on your hands.  Please, if you are so inclined, send me your sketches, or creations, and if I can figure out how create a poll, it seems terribly difficult (I am still trying to figure out how to add an award image, stupid HTML anyway) we can all vote on the best one.

Also, I do intend to get back to the basics a little, and try to explain why life seems so complicated, and everything always seems so difficult, in my own way, of course.

So, thank you, blogosphere, thank you +Jeremy Crow, and thank you Dr. Dawg, you are always there for me.

Here is a song that from the irrepressible Dr. Hook, that has always been one of my favorites, but has a little more meaning for me these days.

Health is important, but what about free will?

It is Saturday, and rainy, and early, and I am up, heading for my second cup of coffee. There was a study that indicated five cups of coffee every day was optimal for your health.  It may have been dis-proven since then, it is hard to say, but, we here at Life Explained didn't care.  We had taken it as gospel, as incontrovertible proof of a kind, gentle higher being, a caring, loving deity concerned only with our welfare.

There was a mad dash to buy bigger "cups."  Imagine our dismay when we found out mugs, and cups could be completely different. Imagine the crushing heartache when we discovered a cup was not a generic term applied to any bucket sized jug of sweet, glorious, French Roast. Consider the despair when we learned that some of our new coffee "cups" actually held 5 1/2 cups of coffee.

A few of the more aggressive among us were approaching 19 cups of coffee a day, and some of them were fighting over almost anything. An uncontrollable white rage that would burn white hot for a few minutes and turn into weeping, apologizing and remorse. It was hard to believe this was "healthy."

We had to hire a security company to monitor our coffee, making sure everybody got 5 cups, no more, no less.

It got a little tense when we discovered some of us just don't care for coffee.  After an armed standoff in the 5th floor break room, when Bob refused to drink his 5th cup, saying he would rather "die early than drink one more cup of this swill."

After a few tense hours, some exchange of small arms fire, and reinforcements from Jet Propulsion Laboratory besieging the compound (those scientists really stick together), we decided that forcing people to drink 5 cups of coffee a day may not be that healthy after all. Maybe people would be happier and healthier if they could drink what and how much they choose.

We bought some tea, some bottled water, and people seem a lot happier. But, there is news that red wine will help people live longer.  That is a bit of health news we can really support, thank goodness for research.

An award, wow that's big time.

Many people may not realize this, and it may come as a shock to people who know me, but I have friends.  At least a few friends, online, but, and I have checked the rules, they do count.  One of my friends nominated me for an award, “the Beautiful Blogger Award.” and I have been working out, so it is not surprising.

The rules are simple;

Thank the person who nominated you.

Thank you, +Mike Raven  (a delightful blogger, and a good person).

Add the award logo to your blog.  I will do that, as soon as I figure out how.  I am lucky if I can add a post, but if I have to hire a consultant, or a programmer, to help me it will be on there.

 

Answer the questions, kindly see below.

Nominate three bloggers for the award.

I would like to nominate +Cynthia Breneman, from My Diary, her education is obvious, as is her love for numbers, but, I enjoy the insights and the keen intellect.  

Also, I would like to nominate Patrick Weseman from Adventures In Weseland.  A visual journal that always seems like a friendly trip to a different place, plus it makes me want to be a better photographer.

And, my last nominee is +Dog Brindle of Dog Brindle Barks. a man who tackles aging with the same vigor as ghosts, aliens and all things supernatural, his blog covers a lot of territory, very well, and is a lot of fun to read.

Ask ten questions that each of the recipients are obligated to answer.  Again, please see below.

1. What is your favourite time of year?

Vacation, of course.

2. What is your favourite place in the world?

Right now it is Estes Park, CO. But, it has been a long time since I have been there, so that may change after my next visit, I am a real flake.  A lot of people think it is a tourist town, but I love it.

3. What is your best memory?

When my children were born.

4. What are you wearing?

Gym shorts, flip flops and an Adidas t-shirt, my evening uniform.

5. When do you like to blog?

Morning, but I am trying to add other times of the day.  I am writing this at 10:00 at night, and it seems to be going well, no worse than normal, anyway.

6. What (if you have one) is your middle name - and do you like it?

Allen, and it was my dad’s name so I do like it.

7. What's your least favourite animal?

Spiders, snakes, bats, slugs, skunks, giant snakehead fish, tapeworms, leeches, ticks, anything venomous, or invasive, or carnivorous, I am not overly fond of cows, or horses, and one time while I was driving a turkey flew into my side mirror, knocking it off the car, so I am not crazy about them… the list is pretty long.

8. What REALLY annoys you?

Sometimes almost everything, sometimes almost nothing,

9. Favourite hot drink?

Coffee, it may be my favorite drink, except for beer, and bourbon, and sometimes wine.

10. Tell me one interesting fact about you that people might not know.

I am terrified of boats, at least when they are on the water, in a showroom they hold no power over me.

Here are the questions for my victims.

1. What songs makes you smile, and starts your foot tapping?

2. What book had the most profound effect on your life?

3. Do you enjoy Star Wars, Star Trek or The Lord of the Rings more?

4. What is your favorite card game?

5. If money was no object where would you go on vacation?

6. What sport did you play as a child?

7. Did you think the last episode of Lost was disappointing?

8. Are you left handed or right handed?

9. If you could travel in time only once and were guaranteed a safe return which way would you travel.

10. Preparing a meal can be rewarding, do you have one that makes you feel like a real chef?

Please accept my apologies.

Draft Night, NBA

Last night was the NBA draft. A solemn, austere ceremony where young men are conscripted to travel to the far corners of the world to serve the common good... Not really, it is a big, splashy gaudy affair. Silly with television cameras, and reporters, all stalking young men whose fortunes are about to change.

It starts when a basketball team is given five minutes to decide which young man they are going to "draft," hand a boat load of cash, and expect a championship to come at his beck and call.

After the decision is made they tell the NBA commissioner, a man whose name escapes me, but it is not David Stern, he was the last guy.  The commissioner (for the sake of convenience we will call him Not David Stern) comes out and announces the choice solemnly and with the tone of a man delivering important news to a shaken, frightened nation, "With the 6th pick in the draft the (insert team name here) have chosen (insert young man's name here).

And then a young man, in a suit,  comes up and puts on a baseball hat, and kind of shakes hands, and kind of hugs (it is a modern version of a hand shake, and one I have never been able to master) Not David Stern. It is an odd picture, these very tall, young, athletic, men hugging this aging, short, bald man, somehow it seems as though it might be from a mafia movie.

Then, a panel of experts, some of whom played basketball, and some of whom studied journalism, talk about why it was such a good pick. There are a lot of technical terms, "wing span" and "shooting
range" "length" and "physicality." And then this panel of "experts" started rating them, "he could be a three, or a four." It seemed so insensitive, and cruel...  Just kidding, it was just the position they would play on the basketball team.

Today, the real work will begin, an agent, employed by the young athlete, will meet with lawyers representing the team's owners and begin negotiating the terms of employment.

Normally, it will start with the team's owners representatives saying something along the lines of "we would like the young man you are representing to accept this ridiculously large pile of cash, and come play basketball in our fine city."

Not to be outmaneuvered, the agent who is representing the young man will retort. "We couldn't possibly accept that much money. This player has never played a minute of basketball at this level, please accept our counter offer of this still large, but somewhat smaller pile of cash."... Not really,sooner or later they agree on a number that seems enormous to most people and the deal is made.

Just a disclaimer, I have always agreed with the sentiment expressed by Joseph Heller's character, Milo Minderbinder in that fantastic account of life in the modern world "Catch 22, "it is never a sin to tax as much as the traffic will bear."  So, if the owners can charge enough to pay the athletes that much it is fine with me.  I toast their success, and wish them the best.

A loss is hard, particularly when you are hungry.

Today was a sad day, here at Life Explained.  We lost Bob, from Mergers and Acquisitions. It is a fairly new department, and we were all excited he had agreed to take the promotion. Having come up through the company as he had Bob seemed a natural fit.  But, maybe it was more than he could handle.

He started out in the mailroom, back when the mailroom was a closet, with mops and brooms, and a janitor's cart, Bob would put the mail on the janitor's cart and push it through the building delivering the mail. This was back when the "building" was a big room, with no windows, and two doors, one of which led to the janitor's closet, the other revealed a brick wall when opened.  Oddly enough, the Janitor's closet had three doors, one to the "building," one to the small lavatory, and one to the alley (the only real exit).  It could be a high traffic area, so we all got to know Bob well.

Since Bob was in charge of the mail room, which was also the janitor's closet he had to be the janitor as well. He never was too happy with that, so he chopped up some boxes, and taped them together and built a new "mail room" with cardboard walls, and a hand painted sign that read "MAIL ROOM." It was on the opposite wall of the janitor's closet. He thought that would get him off the hook, and for a while nobody noticed we had lost our custodian.

After a short time the trash started piling up, the dust was getting thick, and things were getting a little smelly. We made Bob start cleaning again. Bob had plenty of time, since most of us never got any mail, and nobody ever sent anything, anywhere.

Bob started hand writing letters to everyone in the company so he would be too busy to clean. Sometimes he would detail his weekend, including pictures. Often, he would write his commentary on the daily news, or a sports report customized to each person's favorite team. Occasionally, he would make things up, one year we had 4 different national champions in college basketball.  It really became a favorite with the whole staff. Who doesn't love to get mail?

It didn't take long before we were all writing to each other, and everybody we knew.  We had to hire a full time custodian, and expand the Mail Room to two employees.  It was not a particularly productive or profitable time for the organization, but we all grew a little closer and our Mothers were thrilled.

Eventually that kind of enterprise paid off and Bob was made a purchasing clerk.  Man, that guy could buy some stuff, he was an inspiration. His orders were art work, and we all loved to have Bob get our stuff. It always came with a little surprise. Something unique, and appropriate. For example, when accounting ordered new ribbons for the printing calculators right before Christmas, Bob, somehow made them print in Green and Red, and they were wound around candy canes. Bob could really surprise you.  People would wait a few extra weeks just so Bob could write the PO.

So, it was very sad news to find out we lost Bob. Someone said he went to the kitchen for coffee, and we haven't seen him since. How we will miss that old buy, he has been with us from the early, dusty, smelly days.  "A great man is one who leaves others at a loss after he is gone."*  Bob, wherever you are, you will be missed, if you are coming back, can you bring extra coffee, and some donuts? We are kind of hungry.

*Paul Valery

Punctuality, it is so important.

It has been brought to our attention that we, here at Life Explained, have been losing control of the attendance, and punctuality of our employees.  We would like to remind everyone that punctuality and attendance are the hallmarks of great companies throughout history.

Our noted policy historian, Bob, has researched this very carefully, and found the following passage in the Yasa, the book of laws established during the rule of Genghis Khan.

We are not sure we have the legal authority to tie anyone to the back of a horse (maybe an all terrain vehicle might be easier to justify, Bill from Legal is researching this) and drag them through a field, and dismemberment is probably a little extreme, (trust us, you don't even want to see how the ancient Assyrians punished tardiness, it was brutal), but employees need to understand that their "work" here is vital to the good of the company, the nation, and the world.  And if you aren't here it won't get done, because we sure are not going to do it, that is why we hired you. So, we will see you tomorrow, bright and early, we are in talks with Yamaha for an ATV right now.

Summer Solstice, an important day, through the ages.

According to the television weather person this morning it is the first full day of summer. Summer is filled with happy memories, and we, here at Life Explained, love it. Of course, it was kicked off by Father's Day... wait, that isn't right, it was kicked off by the Summer Solstice.

During the June Solstice (Summer in the Northern Hemisphere, and Winter in the Southern) the sun is at it's furthest distance from the Equator.  The Earth's north pole is tilted directly towards the sun, at about 23.5 degrees. Which explains why all of the stuff kept sliding off the table yesterday, and the stairs seemed a little more difficult to climb.

Throughout the ages the Solstice has been a magical, mystical time.  People have celebrated by giving expensive, wonderful gifts to their Father... wait, hold on that isn't right. In Europe, people used to celebrate the Solstice by lighting fires to keep away the evil spirits. 

The ancient Egyptians felt the Summer Solstice was particularly important because it ushered in Sirius the brightest star in the night sky.  Shortly after the appearance of Sirius the Nile would overflow and flood the lands, which nourished the soil, and provided much of the food the Egyptians needed to survive. Obviously, the Egyptians were very good to their Father, giving him many wonderful gifts to celebrate...  wait, that wasn't what happened, at all.  As soon as the the Egyptian priests saw Sirius they declared the new year had begun.

China, Mesopotamia, Europe, the Americas, all had unique, spiritual celebrations for the the Solstice, in fact many people believe Stonehenge was built as a gift for the Druids daddio... wait, that isn't what anybody thinks.  Many people still believe that Stonehenge was built to predict the arrival of the Solstice.  Nobody had an Apple watch in those days, which would make an excellent gift, you know.

That concludes today's lesson on The Summer Solstice.  Tune in tomorrow when we discuss the do's and dont's of Fourth of July gift giving, or Don't forget Dad a true American Hero.

A day of rain, followed by a little time in the park.

It was about 3:00 last night when the rain began.  About 6:00 it was still coming down, and drug me out of bed. Coffee, some fresh air and it was a new day. A rainy day to be sure,  but a new day. It rained until mid afternoon.

By the time it stopped cabin fever had taken hold and I needed to get out, and walk in the air, and see the sky, even if it was filled with clouds that it seemed only feet above our heads.

We went to the local park, and it was almost
ominous, and a little otherworldly. Branches so green and heavy with moisture they hung low and menacing over the trails.  The trees closed in on the path, and added to the bizarre aspect of the day.


It was beautiful, but odd.  Our little creek that dissects the little park was swollen, and spilling over the banks, and looked like a wild river.  There was even a small whirlpool that really seemed odd and had no clear explanation.

We did not stay long, it was thick and the air was close. It was good to get out of the house, and the exercise it had been a lazy, slow day with little activity.

Announcing his candidacy, Dr. Dawg.

We are on the eve of the Presidential Primaries.  Donald Trump is the latest to join the fray. With a big, splashy announcement, using Neil Young music, the theme from the Phantom of the Opera, and an escalator, he jumped into the middle of the fight in a way only a seasoned reality television "actor" can.  Who will be next, and how will they top that, the anticipation is almost lethal.

We, here at Life Explained, would like to see more people follow Mr. Trump's lead.  It seems to us that substance has long been abandoned, and flair, and drama are the new trump card (please forgive the pun, it was too easy to resist).  

Campaign managers should be replaced by directors, and speech writers should be supplemented with special effects studios.  We realize that we are not going to glean any useful information from any serious candidate, who is too worried about offending anyone to speak truthfully.  If we can't have information, and facts we may as well have some entertainment.

It would solve a lot of problem.  Voter apathy and low turnouts at the polling place would be replaced with swarming, mobbing, adoring fans, willing to camp overnight, on a sidewalk to cast a vote for the star candidate of their choice.

With that in mind we would like to announce Dr. Dawg for president. Beta version, only.

This is the rough draft, and will be polished, as soon as we have a little more coffee, and receive a few more large donations, from wealthy, helpful donors.  Or, just feel like cleaning it up a bit.  Stay tuned for further improvements.

Virtual Reality, the early days.

Virtual reality is big news today.  A couple of years ago it was kind of banal.  A few years before that it was a huge idea.  We, here at Life Explained, were riding the cusp of technological innovation that made VR possible in the late 90s.

Yes, things were a little bit rougher in those days. Giant leaps in processor abilities, and the addition of three dimensional printers have facilitated the construction and programming of headsets, and the environments portrayed.

In the exciting early days, though, we had to produce all of the hardware by hand. Which, since we wanted it to be as real and immersive as possible, was not an easy task. Little tubes ran the length of the suit to provide cooling or heat, depending on the "Reality" being portrayed. Fans were installed to simulate wind in key locations, and water was splashed from little reservoirs to produce ocean waves, or a drink thrown in a face, again, depending on the simulation being run.

It was a tough sell getting the first volunteer to try it out, but a few glasses of wine and casually dropped promises of stardom, and adoring fans provide a powerful incentive. And, Bob, from Legal Services volunteered, he was a hero.  Our hero, anyway.

He chose the "Prehistory Adventure" and he was off. We had a team of programmers monitoring the adventure parameters, and engineers watching the metrics of the suit. We even brought in several physicians to watch Bob's vital statistics, just as a precaution.

"Adding herbivores, now."  Came the terse comment over the headsets.

Bob's heart rate rose, slightly, and his breathing was normal, his blood pressure was holding strong.  Things were going well.

"How are you holding up, Bob?"  Someone asked.

"Great, this is great. The Brachiosaurus seems so real, I can even smell the aroma released when it chews the leaves. I can't wait to try the deep space adventure."

"Fantastic, Bob, that is fantastic." The lead programmer said.

"Bob is starting to panic."  Came the voice of one of the doctor's.  "His heart rate, BP, and oxygen levels are starting to climb."

A whimpering sound grew into a panicked wale, as Bob started to run blindly around the room.  Bouncing wildly off the walls, the tether wrapped around his feet, and he fell in a heap on the hard, white floor. Screams were bouncing off the polished, sterile walls, echoing until it sounded like there were 4 or 5 Bob's trapped in the "simulation."

It was an awful sound, a sound that still haunts the people who were there.

Of course, we rushed in, after finishing our donuts, and taking a sip of coffee to calm our nerves. It was traumatic for us, you know?

After removing Bob from the suit, and giving him some coffee, and some donuts, glazed, chocolate covered with sprinkles, and cream filling.  They were a little more expensive, but he earned them, we thought, some of us, anyway.

When he had sufficiently recovered we asked him what had happened to scare him so much.

"It was awful, just terrible, me and this caveman named Fred were talking to this little, green spaceman, and nobody would believe us, no matter how hard we tried to convince them. They kept laughing in our faces, oh the horror."

Turns out Bob, from HR, had mistakenly hired a Programming specialist, not a Programmer specialist. And his last gig was at a small, local station with a small budget.  You live and you learn, right?  Good thing we couldn't afford Steven Spielberg, that could have been really bad.

Then the bottom fell out of VR, everybody was all hung up with PDAs and pagers, and phones that were carried around in a bag.  So, we moved on.  It might be time to dust off the old suit and give it another shot. Any volunteers?

The Great Kitchen Fire of 1998

Today is the anniversary of the "Great Kitchen Fire" of 1998.  It was a tragedy that could have been avoided, probably should have been avoided. But, we were young, and Life Explained was just getting started.

We were still working in that old building, with the entrance in the alley, past the stack of rotting wooden pallets, but before the reeking, rusting dumpster, by the Greyhound station. We had just purchased a used oven, and microwave from one of those resale shops that pop up during times of economic prosperity.  People were feeling wealthy, and rushing headlong in a frenzy to buy new things. There is always a market for working, used stuff.

We had formed our company in response to all of the wealth that was just floating around during that time. Figuring that the easiest way to get our hands on some of that dough was to make a few amazing discoveries, and devices that would improve life for everyone.  Everyone who had a few bucks to spare.  Oh, sure, we were going to do our part to help the poor, the needy, the wretched refuse, and all that, after we made some real coin.

The New Improved Karaoke57,  with rhythm maker.

Of course, then the bottom fell out of the economy in the new millennium, and we were forced to take whatever work we could get, even if it meant working on government contracts, and Department of Defense projects.  We still feel a little dirty. This would be a good time to apologize to people all over the world.  When the NSA contracted with us to build a new line of airplanes we had no idea what they intended.  You just can't trust anybody.

But, that is a little off topic.  We were so busy those days.  Things were getting a little tense, and people were snapping at each other over minute details.  We were just starting to make a little money, and everybody in the whole place thought it should happen faster, and was sure they were working harder than everyone else.

Of course, the constant smell of fresh donuts from the bakery down the street didn't help. Most of us would sneak off several times a day for a glazed, or a chocolate frosted cake with sprinkles. A few extra pounds and clothes that were just a bit too small only made things worse.

One day, Bob, from Product Research bought in some aroma therapy candles.  It was vanilla, which was supposed to provide feelings of tranquility, and harmony.  We discussed it, and decided it was a good idea.  We would listen to CD of ocean sounds, burn the candle and relax.

It was a very busy time, though.  We decided to accelerate the process by lighting the candle and putting it in the microwave. What happened was a thing of beauty, a terrifying, mesmerizing spectacle.  For about 5 minutes we could not take our eyes off of the little window.  When it burst into flames we had no problem looking the other way, though, and running like the wind towards the only exit, in the alley.  Flames chased us out the door, and consumed the pallets, and the dumpster.  The Greyhound station was only saved by a fortuitous rain storm that almost drowned two hipsters traveling across the country, who were standing in the parking lot sharing a cigarette and a bottle of wine.

There was no explanation of why such a torrential storm happened so suddenly, on such a nice night, and ended so quickly.  We think it had something to do with the super heated paraffin, microwave radiation, and the wave length of ocean sounds.  But, we are not going to try to reproduce the phenomena until we are ready for a new laboratory.

Patty Smyth tried to kill me.

After two weeks of vacation, endless hours sitting in the car, not eating as well as I should have, and not exercising at all it was back to the gym last night.  Since it was kind of introductory, I decided to forgo the podcasts, and "kick out the jams, brothers, and sisters."*

Hitting the treadmill, starting slowly, Van Morrison singing "Jackie Wilson Said (I"m in Heaven when you smile).  A nice tempo to start, cruising along, me and Van, and when he sang "honey child, you make my day" we were hitting our stride.  Breathing and moving, blood flowing, heart beating, sing it Van!

"True Love" by the Del Lords was next, it was a great way to start the high intensity part of the interval training, and we were cruising.  Turn up the speed, turn up the volume, and go.

"Found a parking spot, all right,
Tonight's gonna be my night."

Man, those guys are great, and when the song ended and the speed was reduced, the heartbeat was up where it should be, and things were great.  It is a song with a driving beat, and a happy, positive message, a song that can make a person smile. It is about a guy who goes to work, comes home, and goes out to find the love of his life. He can "feel it any minute, gonna look up and find a true love." Call me naive, but that kind of hope flying in the face of desperate odds is powerful magic.

The Del Lords write from a variety of places, anger, sadness, desperation, and joy equally well, and they can drive a song with hammering drums, and blazing guitars, and I love those guys.  They are the ultimate in cool.

But, it was time to cool down with the mellow sounds of "One more cup of coffee" from Bob Dylan.  A song about, well who knows what it is about, but the message is universal, undeniable, and customizable.  To this day that song gives me the chills.

Not really my gym, and not really Patty Smyth.

This cycle repeated for twenty minutes, and it seemed wise to finish big.  My last high intensity burst was set to "Goodbye to You" from Patty Smyth and Scandal.  A song written by Zach Smith.  A scathing diatribe against the vanity of mankind, and the excesses of modern relationships.  Yes, it was written and performed in the eighties, but mankind and relationships don't really change much.  And in evolutionary terms, the eighties were only minutes ago, so neither has changed at all.

It is not a long song, less than 4 minutes, so the speed was cranked up on the treadmill, and we were off. Four minutes, at that pace, that far into my first workout back from vacation was like an eternity, and when she sang, "Goodbye to you, so long darling," she could have been talking to me, my life was slipping away, one gasping, painful breath at a time.  The room was getting darker, but that may have been the motion activated lights, since I was the only one there, and I was set to expire.  Maybe the sensors can tell, but that is another blog post.


And, then it hit me, Patty Smyth and Scandal tried to kill me.  It is not clear why, but I forgive them.  Tolerance, acceptance and forgiveness is what makes life worth living.  So, Patty, we are still friends, and you are still one of the greatest voices in music, and I will see you Wednesday, at the gym, earlier in the workout.

*Thank you, Blue Oyster Cult.

Better living through technology, if you don't look too closely

People will tell you that I have a love/hate relationship with technology.  My loathing turned into adoration.  There are just too many advantages to ignore, and everyday new, useful, time saving uses leap on stage, screaming, "hey, check me out."

This story started simply enough, the youngest son got an iPod, and introduced the family to the wonderful app store. A magical place filled with conveniences once unimaginable. Time saving, life altering, reality expanding little computer programs that are certain to make your life better. There are hundreds of ways to improve life.  

Today we will start by "reviewing" Stickers.  An app that lets you take a picture, and cut out parts, and pieces and bits, and save the remaining as a "sticker." A piece of the original picture that is left after digital, graphic surgery.  

"How can that improve my life?" You might ask. It can't, if measured in absolute, numeric values.  But, a little creative thinking, and a few swipes on an iPhone screen and all of your Facebook friends think you are sitting on an exclusive beach in the France. Their envy will be compounded when they notice you are sipping expensive champagne, and the jealousy will become uncontrollable as they take note of the A List celebrities surrounding you. Life, and happiness, are illusions, yours might as well be wonderful, and the stuff of dreams.  

Dr. Dawg, for example, has been "working" on some new ideas recently. Here he is in charge of several trucks filled with linemen from the local utility. At a boy, Dr. Dawg, keep them focused and on task.  We will have power to the coffee maker in no time. You are a true son of the proletariat.

Wait, Dr. Dawg, there are aliens attacking the crew.  Who said civil service was easy?  Aliens are courtesy of UFO Photo FX.  A wonderful app, sort of difficult to use.  But, if you want aliens in the picture you have to be willing to endure some hardships for your art.

As you can see, Dr. Dawg has taken on a new profession, and risked his life facing ravenous, savage aliens returning the wonders of refrigeration to our old, top secret, secluded headquarters all while sleeping quietly on his bed.

Imagine the wonders your friends will see you living.  And you don't even have to change out of your pajamas.  The world is your oyster, the possibilities are endless, and almost free, depending on the app you choose.  For a nominal fee we will doctor your life up a bit, just send us your best selfie, and a brief description of the action filled life of your dreams, and we will rush you the results.  Make your friends hate you, your enemies envy you, and your family wonder how you finally got out of the basement.

It's potty time

It was a great idea, and one that should have been further developed. Nobody has really gone to the trouble of rating Interstate Rest Areas. These expensive, vital links to interstate travel and commerce are unreported, and frankly vary widely in quality, and amenities. It seemed time that someone begin the toil, and labor that would be involved in such a worthwhile endeavor.  I never planned on reviewing them all, just get the ball rolling.  And, then anyone who travels anywhere could submit a review of the rest areas they used.  Sort of a Yelp or Trip Adviser, for bathroom breaks.

But, as with so many revolutionary ideas this one died on the vine when my wife and son refused to stop unless someone needed to stop.  And then it was kind of rushed without time to fully evaluate the offerings.  So, we only have a small sampling, and there is no real organization. Honestly organization is not really a strength, though, so it probably is not all her fault.

So, here goes.  There is a rest area just east of Rapid City, sitting right on a river, though I don't really know which river, that is very nice, and clean.  The attendant was pleasant and polite, but the vending area was a little skimpy.  And the river was in danger of flooding out the entire area, but I don't suppose you can blame the rest area for that.  If you are traveling on Interstate 90, and happen to be slightly east of Rapid City, west of Wall, stop in (unless it is flooded) with confidence.

West of Kearney, outside vending machines.
What are we, animals?

Nebraska, along Interstate 80, had a variety of quality in the rest stop offering.  If you can wait, I would.  Don't stop anywhere west of Grand Island.  The areas in the eastern third are much newer, with vending areas that are inside, which is much nicer when deciding between cookies and a candy bar, or chips and crackers.

Iowa seems to be upgrading, so you are kind of safe anywhere, but only on Interstate 80, don't use the old ones on I29.

Illinois, the Rest Stop State

Illinois is a safe place to use any facility.  They have trails, and attractions, like a Metro Park, with elaborate vending areas, right inside the sumptuous main buildings.  Indiana and Ohio, well just don't bother.  Just wait until the next state.

Here is the first installment of the Rest Areas of America.  We will continue this during our next trip, we are dedicated Interstate travelers.  If you would like to submit a review, just send it along.

T-shirts, craft beer, and fried food.

It seemed wrong to be this close and not take in the scenic, little town of Sturgis.  From our cabin it is just a short trip up 14A to the heart of the town.  Nestled snugly along both sides of Interstate 90 Sturgis is a rustic, small town that seems to exist, at least before the bikers begin to arrive, on the sale of t-shirts. We found a street lined with shops, mostly closed, and walked along the empty sidewalks.

There were three or four shops that were opened, tidy and filled with leather goods, travel mugs, and   Sturgis Bike Rally t-shirts.  This year is the 75th anniversary of the Sturgis Rally. An occasion celebrated in vivid color on 100% cotton. Having worked for many years in the t-shirt graphic industry, mostly embroidery, but some screen printing, I can tell you without doubt, that there are tons of t-shirts stretching from Wall all the way to Lead, and probably beyond.

It was not the only thing, of course, there is a saloon. The Knuckle Saloon, with a bull riding arena
inside. An expansive saloon area, and a craft brewery. There was no bull riding while we were there, which is ok with me, watching people climb on the back of an angry 1,600 pound devil, already mad, and then go out of his way to anger it further is still a little intimidating to me.  I can not think of a good reason to climb on a bull, but several come readily to mind to stay hell and gone away from the snarling, snorting angry beasts.  Number one, it could be lethal.

But, the craft beer was excellent, I recommend the VA' Knockers Blond ale, it was light, with a slight bitter aftertaste, and since that is the extent of my beer snob language, I will just say if you are passing through, stop in, have a beer, and a combo platter of appetizers (thank goodness my doctor does not read this blog).  A  buffet sized platter of food fried to golden perfection, onion rings, french fries, chicken fingers, mushrooms, jalapeno poppers... well, you get the idea.  All cooked to perfection.  When you stop by, tell them Tim sent you, and when they ask "Tim who?" tell them "exactly."

I do have two questions about Sturgis.  Why Sturgis?  It is a nice little town, with a lot of old world charm, in a wonderful location, but it is a little town.  The streets are small and there are not very many of them. They must be packed with people during the rally, standing shoulder to shoulder, beer can to beer can.  And, how many t-shirts have they sold in the last seventy five years?  It must number in the billions.  The world may never know.  And I am certainly not going to do the research, I am on vacation.

Spiders, snakes, and a word of caution in the Black Hills

No trip to the Black Hills is complete without a visit to Reptile Gardens.  Well, that isn't exactly true, we have made a couple of trips here without stopping at Reptile Gardens, but it is fun, and since my cousin Mike (thank you, Mike) paid for admission, surprisingly reasonable, free in fact.  It is a fascinating place, and I am always glad to have gone.

Reptile Gardens is an odd oasis of exotic animals from around the world, displayed beautifully in a group of buildings just south of Rapid City.  There are giant tortoises, alligators, crocodiles, tarantulas, scorpions, and snakes, oh the snakes. There are hundreds of snakes.  Snakes from all over the world, each displayed in a carefully designed habitat, that mimics the natural environment of the snakes home country, I guess.  They could just throw some stuff in there and I would't know it didn't look like Southeast Asia, or the deep jungles of Africa.  This would be a good place to point out that according to the website Most of the animals at Reptile Gardens are from Zoo Trades, and not captured in the wild.

According to the brave, young man who performed the show with the snakes there is no sure way to tell if a snake is venomous without looking for a venom gland in the mouth of the snake or getting bit. Thank you, but no.  I will just assume that all of the snakes are deadly, venomous, and looking for me, with malice, and awful intent.  Wretched things, anyway.

After the snake show, it is a short, quick walk to the alligator/crocodile/caiman show. Where a strong, brave, slightly foolish young man will walk through an enclosure filled with alligators (I know there is a difference, and it has been explained to me, at the show several times, but for the sake of convenience and fewer keystrokes we will refer to them as gators).  Using humor, and what appears to be a suicidal pokes, and jabs with a stick he explains a little about the giant animals.  Ultimately, he "wrestles a gator."  He does this by leaping on it's back, and holding it in place, in what I am assuming is a practiced, and at least somewhat safe routine.

The chosen "gator" this time did not really want to be part of the show.  He kept trying to escape, and the poor man would have to pull him back.  While doing this the other "gators" would come stalking
up behind him. He would have to shoo them away, while holding onto the wrestling opponents tail.  It was easy to worry that the show was going to get a little too exciting.

But, the show came off without incident, and we were off to the main exhibit hall. This is where all of the snakes are displayed.  Their enclosures are marked with helpful signs, and interesting facts, "Venomous," or "Very Venomous."  I can't speak for anyone else, but when I walk up the an enclosure and the words "very venomous" are screaming at me, and there is nothing inside it makes me a little nervous.  Where is that damned thing? creeping up behind me? hanging on one of exposed beams overhead, getting ready to drop, bite me and ring down the curtain on the final act of my way too short, not nearly finished life?  Time to move on, quickly.

Things you don't plan for on vacation.

While staying in the Black Hills, renting a cabin, and finding your way to a slower, relaxed pace, it is vital to remember that grilling on a gas grill is nothing like using a charcoal grill.  Charcoal is friendly, controllable, warming pile of gray companions, little red smiles blinking through, gently caressing your cheeseburgers with tender warmth, motherly love.

Gas declares war on your dinner.  Lighting with an intimidating  whoosh of vaporized petroleum, it singes meat with deadly efficiency, and terrible purpose.  Whatever you do, don't turn your back on a gas grill, or run inside to grab one more beer.  It is a decision you will regret when you serve your cabin mates little blackened bricks, with a golden coat of perfectly melted cheese.

Saying the whole time, "I just turned my back for a second, and the grill went nuclear. I swear! Would you like some ketchup with your tiny, black rocks?  Boy, that cheese sure makes a nice contrast to the blackened, slightly grey exterior, doesn't it?  Almost too pretty to eat."

But, there was still some food value in the clumps of what was almost ash.  And if people are hungry enough, polite and don't know you very well you can come out with your grilling reputation intact, more or less.

One thing that eases the pain a little is a good breakfast with lots of hot, tasty coffee, bacon, eggs, toast, and real butter. But, don't tell your doctor.

Vacation can be murder to a diet, and an exercise routine. Riding in a car for endless hours, trying to drink water instead of delicious, carbonated soda, and not snack too much. Fast food for lunch, and restaurant, or diner breakfasts add up to a several small losses in the war on aging.  Returning to work, and the gym will be a chore.

But, when the view from your cabin looks like this it is worth it.  The Black Hills are a dark, wonderful, magical place, covered in pine, and ancient spirits. It is a paradise for the sense, the pine,  and the decay, the birds singing in trees that are dancing in a gentle breeze. The sights and smells of heaven.  This is not our first trip, and with any luck it won't be our last.