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Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Convoluted Compromise


I am very pleased to have been chosen to be the Honorable Mr. Clark's running mate for the 2016 Presidential Election. For those of you who think I'm making this up, you can read it for yourself on Tim's recent post "Vote Early, Vote Often." For those others of you who don't care to check the facts, you're in the right place. 

As Tim so brilliantly pointed out, he and I lean different directions on the traditional political scale. We're not going to let that bother us one bit though. In fact, we plan to use that to our advantage. Those other suckers out there are focusing all their time on just half the population. The Clark/Zahrt party appeals to 100% of the voting population. Basically, this election is in the bag for us.

I won't bore you with a bunch of empty campaign promises, but I feel it's my duty to help clear the air about how Lefty and Righty plan to rule the world serve you, the great people of our nation. 

Our number one priority is NACHOS. The North American Committee on Hilarity Over Stupidity. We love our committees because every new committee adds more meetings and more time to sit around and snack. It also fits into our general policy to have fun rather than waste time on stupid things that bore us. It's also very important to laugh at life rather than being upset by everything that may seem stupid to you. Don't worry though, we do have a few plans to tackle the tough issues. 

World peace has been the dream of every politician and beauty contestant in the last 100 years. We have devised a plan to make some headway on this starting within our own borders. The liberal left has long had its eyes on the confiscation of firearms within the US. We have agreed that this gun confiscation plan will begin the day after we're elected to office. In fact, I have already begun creating a list of my conservative buddies who are more than willing to help with the collection of all these firearms....and at no cost to the government. 

World hunger is another topic we both hold near and dear to our hearts and stomachs. Under our administration, we will ensure nobody goes hungry. We are currently drafting executive orders requiring at least one taco truck be present on every city block. The trucks are to be conservatively painted as to not cause an eyesore while requiring liberal amounts of cheese be on all nachos served. You see - conservative and liberal CAN work together.

Our immigration policy needs a little work, but we are close to reaching a compromise. As it stands now, for every illegal alien from the South who is granted immunity in the US by the left half of our party, the right half is allowed to grant immunity to an extraterrestrial alien located via the Star Wars program. We feel this compromise will be beneficial for both our love of a properly prepared burrito and our plans for deep space colonization. As you all know, the Mayan civilizations from southern Mexico have been studying astronomy for centuries and the knowledge from these Southern brothers would be very beneficial in deep space colonization. And the extraterrestrials make the best burritos this side of Pluto. 

These plans are just the tip of the iceberg. You never know what's going to happen next when you combine the liberal's love of change with the conservative's love of explosives. It's bound to be a fun ride and a great show. Hang on tight. Until next time....