Is that a new Kayak or are you just glad to see me?

Last night, despite a rational, normal, completely healthy fear of water and a deep seated, logical hatred for boats, I bought a kayak. Why? Let me tell you. Actually, I don't know why. As hard as I have tried I can't explain it. I have wanted a Kayak for years. I told my neighbor, who works at Cabela's to keep his eye open and he said "I have one in the Bargain Cave."

It was less than half price. It was less than half price, and it is a beauty. It is 11 foot long, and has a places for fishing poles. There is webbing and a covered hole in the middle for stuff, and some pockets, and things that are too complicated to explain to a bunch of landlubbers. But, there are some serious nautical accessories on this bad boy.

And it makes me feel a little like Conrad or Melville, or Coleridge. And I want to say things like "the starboard swain is lobbed with brine and Doubloons, and we need to make waves, me hearty." But, I don't, at least not yet.

It would probably be wise to wait until I have actually put the thing in water and sat inside it before I start "swapping the poop, matey."

Ohio requires kayaks to be licensed. In fact, if you read the ODNR propaganda almost anything that floats needs to be licensed. And I do want to buy a flotation device, a good one, a flotation device that will withstand a Mark 48 torpedo strike. If you know of a life vest built to survive a nuclear incident and costs less than $50.00 please send me a link. It will be a few days until we take our inaugural voyage.

Until then we are going to have a little contest. A Name the Kayak contest. Think, with all the intellectual muscle you can muster of a name for this little beauty. Then either put it in the comments, or email me at Tim@thewhacko.com, or tweet me timclark_tweets, or post it on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/lifedidyounotice/, or send a smoke signal, flash it in semaphore, this is going to be pretty relaxed.

The winner gets the satisfaction of a job well done. The runner up gets the satisfaction of a job almost well done. Third place entrant gets to know that they weren't the worst, unless there are only three entries, of course. Try to avoid names like SS Sinking, Deep Six, Widow Maker, or Wow, is that guy stupid, please. Have a little fun, and be creative, you could be the BIG WINNER.

Life Explained, the Contest, fame and fortune, and a video.

It is time for the first (possibly the last) Life Explained Contest. That's right. It is your chance to be featured in Life Explained, the Phenomenon (LEP), and have tales of your greatness spread around the world.

So, send us an account of your favorite Life Explained moment and we will feature the best ones, here on Life Explained, the Blog.

So, if you have ever gotten angry at your husband, wife, parent, child, roommate, or police officer executing a search warrant and slammed the refrigerator door so hard that it pushed the whole thing through the wall and onto the ground we want to know about it. So does everybody else.











Or, if you have ever fired a gun into the air in a celebratory fashion, maybe ringing in the new year,or proclaiming your affection for the this great nation on Independence Day,and accidentally shot a refrigerator out of the air send it in right away. We would love to hear about it, and we would love to tell the world.









If you don't want to share your name, and you might want to discuss this with your lawyer we accept aliases, and anonymous entries. We are not above exaggeration, or embellishment, and it doesn't need to be refrigerator related, but we have had a run of bad luck, refrigerationally speaking. So it is fresh on our minds.

Send your entries to tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com, look for your story here, and wait for the fame, fortune and accolades to shower down upon you.

Contest!

We here at Life Explained have been researching many ways to promote the blog.  Only with the most noble intentions, of course.  Think of the lives we could irrevocably alter with increased viewership, of course, we may be able to bring in a few advertisers as well, and make a little coin off the deal, we consider that very noble.

By the way, we are still interested in a corporate stooge position if any very large, extremely profitable corporations that pay exorbitant, ridiculous salaries are interested.  We are willing to negotiate on company car and expense account, we are reasonable, after all.

Sorry, we got off track.  In an effort to increase page views, public awareness and the quality of life for the citizens of the world, we are having a contest.  Calm down, we know it is exciting, but get a hold of yourself, you are making us nervous.

After a heated debate between the legal department, accounting, marketing, the technical people, customer service the custodians, and Pipe Fitters Union 472 West London, (the Fightin' Plumbers of Central OH) (we are not sure how they got involved, but they bought some donuts and coffee so we let them take part in the decision).  It was acrimonious, but finally we decided to give away an autographed copy of our book.

We have not decided which book, yet, Sara from Marketing thinks it should be a Gothic romance novel with ghosts, and maybe pirates, but Ted the lead custodian is leaning toward "The Watchers," by Dean R. Koontz.  It will be great, whatever it is.

To enter all you need to do is guess which number we are thinking, it is between 1 and 75.  Email your guess to tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com.  We will announce the winner next Tuesday, or Wednesday, it depends on which day we can actually think of something decent to post.

Thank you, enter as often as you wish, within reason, don't just guess every number, that would be more work than it is worth, and we are not going to read them all anyway, we are way too busy.

Thank you, your dedicated Life Explained, staff.

Wouldn't that make a great movie