Three Day Weekends and the Cost.

There is something wonderful about a three day weekend.  An extra day off, with pay, it just seems too good to be true.  Luxurious, decadent leisure time, one less alarm clock intrusion into the sweet, restful world of dreams, a little gift from the gods of laziness, and it is yours to spend as you wish.  But, it comes with a price. Reality demands a certain amount of suffering.  Balance needs maintenance, one way or another dues need to be paid.

For some inexplicable reason, the 4 day weeks following a 3 day weekend last almost 6 days.  Despite the development of elaborate time keeping devices, including the Atomic Clock, and the Casio Twin Sensor (which is not just a watch, but a compass and thermometer as well) mankind has been unable to explain this unnatural phenomenon.  Recently, Life Explained has commissioned a study to discover the cause of this inconsistency.  A crack team of time technicians have been at work on this problem since Labor Day, 2012.  Carefully dissecting minutes and examining each second for accuracy. What they found was startling.

Time is not actually a constant.  It is a variable, it takes longer for some time to go by, while other time just zooms past.  Looking back that would explain a lot.  But, here is the strange part, time is really a capricious, sentient being.  It has been around quite a while and occasionally gets a little mischievous just to pass the time.  Further, it sometimes teams up with space (another surprisingly sentient and vengeful entity) to play some very unkind practical jokes on humanity.

Man, that lunch hour was the best five
minutes of my life.

That is why lunchtime can go so quickly, and there is less room in your clothes afterward.  In scientific terms this is called the space time distortion affect.  And has led to a drastic increase in diet beverage sales, as well as psychological therapy.

As a public service we, here at Life Explained, are going to let you in on a little secret. Forget the gym, all the fad diets, all the crazy health advice about heart rates and steps and cardio, kale, pomegranate and dark chocolate, just set a shrine in your living room. A glorious temple to praise and bring glory and honor to time and space. Burn some incense, make a few ritual, shamanistic gestures, and soon you will look younger, fitter, healthier than you ever have. And trust us, here at Life Explained, you don't have any time to waste.You can thank us later.

Don't forget to run over to The Wild Word and cast your vote for your favorite song, out of our favorite songs, there is no write ins allowed, we are not anarchists, after all. Remember the wisdom of Walt Kelly's Pogo.

Time Stumbles Along.

There is a three day weekend coming at me, it is crawling toward me, a snail trapped in amber, frozen in a glacier. I am running, jogging, really, actually limping as fast as I can to get there, but it doesn't seem to be getting any closer. I'm pretty sure yesterday was Friday, and now I am in the early stages of Thursday wondering what happened. You know the feeling you get when you're standing in a crowded place and you think someone is looking at you, feel it in your bones, certain of it. And you turn around and someone is looking at you, staring right at you, maybe right through you. It's that feeling, only worse.

Where did the time go?
Nowhere, it hasn't moved all week

I'm afraid somehow we have slipped out of the space time continuum. We exist in a void beyond reality. Days shift in and out of focus, time passes in both directions. Minutes collide, recoil and change course. You never know where you will land in these times, Wednesday, Thursday, even Monday, God forbid. Swimming in these waters will stretch your strings and leave you out of tune.

The world has stopped rotating, and only the crushing weight of our disappointment keeps us from sailing off into space. We walk through life pretending it still makes sense, but, deep inside we all know, Labor Day is never going to get here, the weekend will never come.


Swapper's Day in Johnstown will always be just out of reach. Sometimes close enough to feel, you can smell the chicken on the flattop grill, but you can't see it. Sometimes off on the fading horizon, distant, silent, almost a memory. Frozen crowds wait only for the moment to mill aimlessly down the long, narrow paths. A moment that never comes.

One benefit, though, is you have a lot of extra time. So, I got a new app for my phone. I'm not sure what I am going to do with it, but it seems cool and there will be plenty of time to experiment. Here is my first video.

Of course, I could be wrong about the whole time thing. If the weekend ever comes I will have more videos from the big day, the big sale, the outdoor extravaganza. The place to go and see, and enjoy, marvel at the diversity, and the sheer, unpredictable marvelous mess that is the brotherhood of humanity. If I can spend a little time in a place like that I start to believe we might be OK after all.

Labor Day, Hello, My Old Friend.

Labor Day, the birth of Winter, or the death of Summer, or just a Monday holiday. Maybe all three for some people, maybe just another damned Monday for others. Not everybody gets to take the day off and get paid. I am one of the lucky ones, one of the lucky millions probably.

I'm not sure who decided to make the first Monday in September a paid day off, or why. And, I don't really care. It's a day off, with pay, that I didn't have to ask for. It doesn't carry the emotional obligations of Memorial Day, the patriotic fervor of July 4th, or the spiritual demands of Thanksgiving. At least I don't think it does. I could probably look it up, but why bother?

There are several hummingbirds that have breakfast with me on the weekends. I sit on our patio drinking my coffee and they come along and drink their nectar. When they finish they buzz off to somewhere. It seemed, for a brief time I should try to find out more about them, but decided against it. I enjoy them, I probably couldn't enjoy them anymore than I do. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, after all. I just snap their photos, say good morning and they move on. I know everything I need to know about some things, Labor Day is one of them.

Not knowing much makes it makes it easier to assume that someone, due to laziness or lack of funds, or even a minor speech impediment shortened it from Don't Labor Day. Because I don't really labor all that much, I might mow the lawn, and trim the hedges, but that's about as laborious as it gets, and if I can keep my wife distracted I will probably fall short of that modest goal.

Normally Labor Day ushers in  more civilized weather, less heat, humidity, fewer unbearable, sweaty, sticky days. You might need a jacket, oh blessed be the mornings you need to layer. It always leads to trouble, though, when the morning is cool, and the afternoon warm, a migration of coats to work, a pile on the shelf by the printer, loved and cherished early in the day, forgotten on the way home. Life on the edge, the struggle is real.

And there is always Swapper's Day, in Johnstown, an event not to be missed. A trip through time and space, at least times and spaces I have occupied. 8 track tapes, fishing equipment, vendors everywhere, selling everything, within fairly wide limits. It is crowded, hectic, cramped, and noisy. The ground is uneven and hilly, and the whole thing is difficult.  But, just going is fun. For $5.00 you can take a trip through another world. Elon Musk can't compete with that.

So, hold on, Labor Day is coming to save us. I will see you there. If we make it.

Today's song o' happiness comes from a different time and space, where Funk was King.  Don't forget to vote in the Life Explained Happiness Poll, coming soon. If anybody knows how to create a poll in Facebook, please send me the instructions.

Time, the Enemy of Reason.

Tomorrow is the Day. Today is the day before the Day. Yesterday, of course was the day before today, but that doesn't really matter for the sake of this post. One thing that should be pointed out, though, is yesterday was Tuesday. Since Monday was Labor Day (Labour Day if you live in New Zealand, thanks for the information, Trina) Tuesday seemed an awful lot like Monday. Which makes today, which is Wednesday, have the general texture of Tuesday. Having Monday as a holiday is fine, great in fact, Monday as a blessing, but having Tuesday turn into Monday and throw the rest of the week into chaos is just not acceptable.

To make matters worse, if that is at all possible, I am leaving at 11:00 AM sharp tomorrow for Lake Hope, just my wife, our kayaks, and me, and a bottle of Pinot Noir, and possibly a bottle of Malbec. Not because of any great attraction to these two wines, but we happen to have a bottle of each on hand. Not that the wine really has anything to do with this post.

Let's recap, since we seem to have taken a wrong turn somewhere.

Monday was a holiday, which forced an atmosphere of Monday onto Tuesday. This, of course, pressed hard into Wednesday, making it feel frighteningly similar to Tuesday. I am taking a day off on Friday, making Thursday my de-facto Friday, and since it has to serve as Wednesday, and try to pull off some semblance of Thursday as well, and it will have to do it in 4 hours, since I am only working half of a day.

You can see my problem. I am dealing with a week shortened on both ends, and the chaos of trying to cram a weeks worth of obsessing about the passage of time in 2 1/2 days. The pressure is almost unbearable. I don't want you worrying about this, though, it is my job. Just go about business as normal, and I will get this straightened out.

Have a nice Wednesday, or Tuesday, or Thursday, or whatever the hell day it is. It should be a nice day, the weather in Fairbanks AK is mid sixties with a slight chance of rain. If you don't live in Fairbanks let me know, I always thought you looked like a person from Fairbanks. It's a small world.

Since we are going kayaking and I could not find any good kayaking poetry here is a nautical poem, short, sweet and full of imagery.

Sea Fever

BY JOHN MASEFIELD

I must go down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,

And all I ask is a tall ship and a star to steer her by;

And the wheel’s kick and the wind’s song and the white sail’s shaking,

And a grey mist on the sea’s face, and a grey dawn breaking.

 

I must go down to the seas again, for the call of the running tide

Is a wild call and a clear call that may not be denied; 

And all I ask is a windy day with the white clouds flying,

And the flung spray and the blown spume, and the sea-gulls crying.

 

I must go down to the seas again, to the vagrant gypsy life,

To the gull’s way and the whale’s way where the wind’s like a whetted knife;

And all I ask is a merry yarn from a laughing fellow-rover,

And quiet sleep and a sweet dream when the long trick’s over.

Good Times Ahead if I live that long.

Today I have good news. And I have bad news.

The good news.

I am only 6 days away from a three day weekend. A three day weekend complete with our annual trip to the Swapper's Day extravaganza in Johnstown, OH. Home of the Johnstown Johnnies.

Unless you are from Johnstown you probably don't care too much about the Johnnies, that is the mascot and namesake of the high school sports teams. I just think it is a great name for a team. So, I gave them a mention. If you read this blog send an email to the school saying "Go Johnnies!" and reference my blog. They won't have any idea what you are going on about, but they will appreciate the sentiment and they might read my blog. It is what sales people call a "win-win scenario." Everybody loves a winner, right.

Swapper's Day is fantastic, it is a huge sale, almost a yard sale in a yard the size of pasture, with hundreds of different "yard sale vendors" (if that is the right term). There is something for everybody. Fishermen, hunters, collectors, people who are obsessed with knives, oh there are knives, bayonets, machetes, swords. Crafts and arts, clothing, and crowds.

Not from Swapper's Day, Just a picture to add
texture and visual appeal.

Popup covers run down long lanes radiating from a central point. Spokes of a giant wheel, and on the edge, where the business part of the wheel would be, runs the biggest tents of all, the booths of the gun sales people. It is serious out there. RVs sit behind tables and racks loaded with guns. People talk about guns, bicker over the price of guns, discuss the distance at which a certain gun is no longer accurate, occasionally they will bicker about that, too. Displays of guns by kits to clean guns next to books about guns. There are boxes of straps and handles and accessories to carry guns. One trip to Swapper's Day and you will never worry about the well being of the second amendment again.

And at the hub of the wheel is one of my favorite parts, the food vendors. Most of the time we dine on the cuisine of a local organization for youth. Sometimes the PTA will have a booth, or the 4H selling chicken and noodles or pulled pork, maybe street tacos. Volunteers sweating in the cramped, hot shacks hawking the value of their work and the taste of their food. Often they will have several children employed cleaning tables, handing out napkins, or just smiling and saying hello. Who could refuse?

As long as we started with good news;* In two weeks I will spend three and a half days at Lake Lifestyles of the lower middle class and unpopular airs again. This time the cabin is a little more appropriately sized for two, not as luxurious, or well equipped. And the lake is smaller, farther away and probably pretty forgiving when compared to Gitche Gumee. It probably has very few deaths, and will gladly give them back. Just a bit of boating, grilling, a little wine, a little relaxing and enjoying life. It is the stuff of paradise. Just my wife, our  kayaks and me.

Lake Hope lies in the middle of Southeastern Ohio. An area that was once a thriving hub of iron mining, iron smelting and munitions manufacturing for the civil war. Bricks, tiles were made by the thousands, trains steamed across the region. Now, it is mostly just forested hills cut through by lonely highways going places mostly forgotten. Two lane roads that wind through dark, dense woods eventually taking you to Washington Courthouse, or Nelsonville where you can jump on a real road. Multi lane, controlled access expressway, with bypasses so you don't have to waste your time watching the small parts of America dry up and die. You can hurry to the coast, or the mountains or, in my case, the lake.

And that's the good news, in a depressing way.

Now for the bad news. I have to get through today, tomorrow and all of next week. Somehow I have to find a way to claw, fight and will my way through the next six, or so, days. Then a long weekend After three days off it will be the desperate struggle to get through two and a half days to reach three and half days off. Give me strength.

*Please note the semicolon, I was told never to use one, and then in a class I took on self editing (a practice I am still learning) the teacher said it was alright; the semicolon is back.

Labor Day, Swappers, It Was Humid, Hot, and Fun

It was a great day, with a great breakfast, a really great breakfast, and the coffee was wonderful, so rich, dark, steaming, you could see the flavor wafting up from the cup, oh man was the coffee good. after that it was only a twenty minute drive up the highway to the Johnstown Swappers Days. Free parking, in a pasture, buzzing with mosquitoes,  a short walk across the field and the road, five dollars for admittance and we were immersed in a ninety degree day, high humidity and a crowded, far flung, wild west flea market.

It was a hectic, crazy, chaotic day filled with a variety of booths, selling everything from tools to bottle openers, to rabbits to hunting dogs. And weapons, tables full of weapons. I have been on hunting trips with people who weren't so well armed. People were walking around with rifles, shotguns, sidearms. It is amazing how careful a person treads when dealing with hundreds of armed people, mutual assured destruction on a personal scale.











After this trip I can feel comfortable saying 2nd amendment rights are very well protected. Including the right to bear arms, to trade them openly, to bicker endlessly in public about the price of the weapons.

Amish people are pretty safe as well. They were well represented, and heavily involved in the trading that took place. Plus, they were using cell phones. This seemed a little surprising.






















It was a great day, there were too many booths to see them all
in the oppressive heat and sweltering humidity, but we ended up looking at most of them. And fully intend to go back next year with the hope that it is a little cooler, and more comfortable. We are very confident the breakfast will be good anyway,

Labor Day, Swap Meet, and Breakfast. How American can I get?

Labor Day and we are off on a big adventure, we are going to the Johnstown Swappers Meet. It is a huge flea market filled with... Well I am not sure what it is filled with, we have never been there. But it has been going on for 71 years, and is huge.

At the end of the day, I will know what is there, and so will you.

Enjoy your Labor Day, but not too much, you have to work tomorrow.

The Secret History Of Labor Day, at least it was a secret.

With the approach of the three day weekend we, here at Life Explained, would like to wish you a happy Labor Day. It was not that long ago that we, here at Life Explained, invented Labor Day.

It had been a long, hot summer, and we had been killing ourselves to catch up. We had a pocketful of change, a powerful thirst, and a strong desire for grilled food. But, things were so busy, and we were so far behind.

Then it hit us, why not initiate a three day weekend. No matter how far behind you are, how busy things have gotten, no matter how overwhelmed, nobody expects anybody to work on a three day weekend. It's in the constitution somewhere. Right between bearing arms and equality. Look it up.

So, we started calling and emailing everybody we knew, "hey, what do you have planned for Labor Day?" People will never admit ignorance, and soon all of the people we had emailed and called were calling and emailing, texting and facebook messaging everybody they knew.

"Hey, what do you have planned for Labor Day?"

And nobody would say, "nothing, I've never heard of that."


Our government will never admit ignorance either. So they backdated a bunch of official documents, and memorandum giving credit to some long past official, who knows who.


Now, thanks to our culture of delusion everybody "remembers" ancient Labor Days with their families from years ago. But, really it only started in 1998, because we wanted beer and bratwurst, thank goodness we only use our power for good.   You can thank us later.

Everything has a price.

Without a Monday the week has been thrown into chaos.  Days are crashing into each other, smashing up against nights, and things are looking bleak.  There is no order, no sense, and there is a lawless, violent attitude.  Wednesday, normally kind, polite, and considerate, actually pulled a knife on Tuesday night, and started forty five minutes earlier than was scheduled.  Some clocks were so confused they stopped working, and formed a small militia with the intent of straightening out the whole mess.

These clocks stole a mass transit bus, drove it through the Week Day Police Barricade and smashed into the Office of Temporal Management (OTM, in government shorthand).  Sadly, nobody was there, they had decided one day was not enough to celebrate the labor that had been performed over the course of the summer, the year, or all of history, they were not sure what period of labor was being honored on Labor Day.  But, they were pretty certain it would take at least seven days to pay a proper tribute.

Since clocks have such linear thinking they were unsure how to proceed and milled about the offices, making coffee, answering phones, filling in forms, and filing them away.  On Thursday the Superintendent of the Building of Reality Allocation where the OTM is located received a phone call complimenting the workers in that particular office.  It was the first time anyone had ever said anything nice about anybody anywhere in the building.  The caller actually said "my appointment went like clockwork, it started right on time, and a few ticks later I was on my way."

Now  it was the Superintendent who was unsure how to proceed.  After careful consideration, he issued an executive order firing everyone in the OTM.  It was the only reasonable course of action, he knew that the other offices were still filled with people just putting in their time, and one office filled with efficiency and swiss watch precision was going to make the rest of the place look even worse.

On Monday they accidentally hired the entire vacationing staff to fill the office, clocks are back to keeping time, and waking people at godless, terrible hours, and things are back to normal, at least until Memorial Day.

Shopping, the Most Important Virtue.

Labor Day, the unofficial kick off of the Christmas Shopping Season.  Now is not the solstice of the season, but do not let that delay you.   Up quickly, shower, and you're off, shopping, fueling the great economic engine that runs this world.  Labor Day Sale, we think not, this is your first real Holiday Gift Sale, and it is your responsibility to take advantage.

When purchases are made it adds to the GDP, Gross Domestic Product, an important measure of how much money is spent.  Excessive spending used to be very unfashionable, and people would say things like, "look at how much that poor rube is spending, that is so gross."  Lately, though it has become very chic to practice blatant consumerism, and you want to be considered hip and with it, don't you?

Shopping can have many health benefits, as well.  Saturday, at the Bass Outlet Store in the Tanger Outlet Mall, they were having a sale on shoes, buy one get two free.  And the fight was on.  It was an intense workout, akin to boxing, or mixed martial arts.  Marauding shoppers roamed the narrow aisles running between the racks of bargain priced shoes. People were like animals, using baby strollers to plow through shoppers, elbowing, shoving, pushing, and scrambling for that perfect pair of casual, rugged looking shoes.  Shouting "excuse me" over their shoulders to the fallen, scrambling, wounded mass of humanity left in the wake.

Carrying shoes boxes in combinations of three, six, nine or twelve up to the front of the store, to stand humbly in line, sweat staining their clothing, waiting for the next available cashier.  Boxes towering above their heads, weaving, and waving back and forth hypnotically.  "Was anyone helping you?" the cashier asked.  "Well, that blond woman in the blood stained grey sweater stitched up my forearm after that nice looking older lady smashed me to the floor with her walker."

So, don't hesitate, do a quick carboload, pancakes are a good choice, maybe some bacon for protein, hydrate well, coffee (or Coca Cola, if you are so inclined, anything caffeinated) is always a good choice, grab the first aid kit and the industrial strength Discover card, and go grab some stuff, you know you want to.

Labor Day, a time for action.

Sunday, and it is rainy and early in the day, and cool and comfortable, and not even halfway through the weekend!  Three day weekends are an application of delight, tonic for the soul, a wonderful, powerful thrilling joyride.  So keen it almost seems illegal, or at least immoral.  But, it isn't.  Approved by the federal government, and endorsed by decent, loving, humane employers everywhere.

Yesterday was a day of labor, too.  We went to the the Outlet Mall in Jeffersonville, a mythical place with unique physical properties, and a strange gravitational pull that grabs people from miles away and drags them across state lines to walk purposefully and determinedly across well traveled sidewalks and into busy stores.  Once inside they will toil, grabbing for bargains, bickering among themselves, turning on employees, comparing prices to those offered by the ultimate of discount stores, Walmart.  Often, this would spark intense debate concerning the location of the best deal, and thinly veiled accusations of stupidity, and mathematical incompetence.  Further bickering would ensue, and soon the scene would deteriorate, the family openly split along visible lines, invoking visions of the Hatfields and McCoys, or Capulets and Montagues.

My big purchase was a "Doohickey" from Eddie Bauer.  A bottle opener, screw driver, wrench, box cutter, ruler combination that clips onto a key ring.  So far only the bottle opener has been field tested, and found to be passable taking two or three attempts to pop the top on an icy cold Red Stripe, directly in contrast to the ease of the model we keep in the drawer with the cutlery. This is in keeping with my new routine heavy on aerobic, and heart healthy exercise.  I can almost feel the years being added to my life.  My doctor will be so proud.

Soon the rain will pass, and the day will assume the glory entitled to the middle day of a three day weekend.  An aroma of smoked ribs smothered in barbecue sauce is beginning to float through the neighborhood, the new bottle opener workout is calling, and I must answer.  Until next time, friends.

It isn't a three day weekend, yet.

Sunday, and Labor Day is a whole week away.  Which means a whole week full of work days, and blaring, intrusive alarm clocks, endless toil, backbreaking work, hurried lunches, and coffee slammed down between everyday demands and turmoil. Ah, the joys of gainful employment.

Tomorrow we will wake to the delightful sounds of whatever song, or commercial, or painful, agonizing white noise is on the radio at 4:55 in the morning, and plod, zombie fashion, toward the coffee and Diet Coke, thank you kind fates for caffeine, to start our week of indentured servitude.  We are beholden to the companies who own part of our house, bits of our cars, the organizations that provide our water and electricity, and natural gas.  Also we are deeply indebted to several suppliers of groceries, deeply indebted.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are scheduled to provide the same torture.  Time drags, expectations are lowered until all a person can hope for is arriving safely at home at the end of the day.  An infinite loop, endless torture, and responsibility.  Ah, the joys of painful employment.  

Saturday, ah the joyous, wondrous, delight of Saturday, the first day of a three day weekend.  Labor day, you beautiful, glorious creation of man kind.  The origins of Labor Day are lost in the lore of ancient Washington, but it is widely believed to have been a gift from the gods of time management, and labor allocation.  But, nobody really cares, a paid day off is all that anybody cares about.

It is the first weekend of college football season, and the Cornhuskers are on television, and that is another gift from on high. Go Big Red!

There are rumors of cold beer, smoked ribs, coleslaw, and garlic toast, unsubstantiated as yet, but they are from a highly placed source.  It depends on the grocery store sales, stay tuned for updates.

Plus, there is an expedition to the Outlet Mall in the works for Saturday, and a new video editing app on the Microsoft Surface Pro 3, a powerful, intoxicating combination (sometimes even I feel sorry for my wife).  Life on the move at the outlet mall, with musical accompaniment, this could be the biggest thing since the moon landing!

Life is so good, I can't wait to het to work tomorrow.