How the west was won.

Once we arrived in Oregon the wagon master called us over to the chuck wagon and told us there was not enough cappuccino to go around and some of us would have to drink regular coffee, from a can, brewed in a drip coffee maker. After the long trek across the wilds of a new it was more than we could take.

"You know, I didn't leave the comfort of Boston for this crap! Coffee out of a plastic can, with no froth, or foam. What a bunch of crap." Billy said, turning, looking at the impossibly tall mountains they had just come down from, and remembering the even taller ones behind. He took a cup of coffee, sat and sulked.

"Anybody want a Danish," Cookie called from behind the dying campfire. Billy hurried over only to find a plastic clam shell with packaged rolls being passed form one grimy hand to the next. And they weren't even Sara Lee, they were just some store brand. Billy was so mad he challenged Cookie to a gun fight. It was the wild west, after all.

Cookie had no gun, and his knives were all dull from months of riding over the uneven terrain stuffed in a plastic milk crate. So, he hit Billy in the back of the head with his dutch oven. Unfortunately, it was holding that day's lunch, a lamb based bullion with delicate, fluffy biscuits, fresh carrots and little green onions. It was all over the ground, and we were forced to eat microwave hamburgers from the dollar store in Baker City.

Everybody really started to hate Billy, and Cookie, but nobody else wanted to be the chef, for one
thing Cookie sounded so effeminate, and everybody was always griping about the food. It was decided the fault was exclusively Billy's.

To punish him we tied him to the back of a horse and were going to drag him across the rugged landscape, it was the wild west after all. But, the rope broke, and Billy was left standing there looking ashamed, and a little foolish. So, we fixed him an Appletini and rustled up a big mess of crispy delicious shiitake mushrooms with fresh ground pepper and dried Parmesan, and made our way to the nearest Holiday Inn Express.

And that is how the west was won.