Life Explained Explains Time

Time is the most perplexing thing.  Allegedly, it is a constant, never changing, marching forward, seconds passing in a monotonous parade of consistency.  Disputing this is difficult, because the devices made to measure time deal in absolutes, precise machines designed to record one unit giving way to the next.  While in reality there are many variables involved in the passage of time.

A dentist office slows time to a crawl.  Forty five minutes in a dentists chair lasts almost a life time, in fact a root canal procedure takes almost as much time as it took to build the pyramids.  Dentists should use a calendar to time procedures.  

A day at work, even if you love your job, is a lengthy proposition, dragging on, passing minutes hammering away at your will to live.  But, a weekend is over almost before it begins.  As soon as the final bell tolls on Friday sending you home, whistling all the way, you have to hit the snooze button.

But, it does not end there.  Assuming, for example your work day is divided between tasks, some of which are more enjoyable, some less, and most work days are cut along these lines, then part of your day will go painfully, slowly ants marching inexorably back to the nest, other parts will drag almost to a stop, tar covered turtles carrying bricks up the side of a mountain.

The same is true of the weekend.  For example, tonight Louisville plays Kentucky in the Round of Sixteen (the Sweet Sixteen) in the NCAA basketball tournament, one of the biggest sports rivalries in existence extending into the post season.  This is a huge game, and the winner will move to the next round (the Elite Eight), and they will get there by defeating their hated in state rival, and the loser will go home, to stew in inconsolable misery, and doubt themselves, and everything they have ever believed (sorry about your luck, Kentucky).  This is the biggest, most venomous rivalry since the Aliens and the Predators squared off in Alaska, thanks to those pesky kids...  (oops sorry about the sports rant, and the Scooby Doo reference).

Anyway, that game will be so intense and enjoyable it will be over before you can finish your bowl of chips, but installing that new heating element in the oven will take about 15 minutes that will last about two and a half hours. 

All we are asking is equity.  Unpleasantness is part of life, but it should be compensated for, if you have to carry out difficult work that seems to last all day you should be allowed to leave when it is finished.  If part of your weekend is so pleasant, and entertaining that it shrinks hours into minutes, you should get a little extra weekend, right off the top, on Monday morning, preferably.  

When man first devised the method to track time, things were brutish, life was short and times were difficult.  Keeping track of how long it took was just a way to avoid thinking about how awful things were.  Now we are more sophisticated, we have taken so many steps to improve life.  It is time to "improve life."

With that in mind we are starting the "Life Explained Equitable Passage of Time" movement.  Please sign below to help us push this through.  We suggest you not use your real name, in case the time police decides to squash our puny little revolution, they are everywhere, you know?  In fact, you might want to use an important, intelligent sounding name, we suggest Einstein, or Aristotle, something people will notice.  "Well, if da Vinci thinks it is a good idea, so do I."

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A Revolution of the Well Off.

Long assumed to be the silent minority, the wealthy have started to be a more vocal concerning their needs.  No longer content to sit in the boardroom watching over their fiefdom or ride in pampered, secluded style behind the tinted, bullet proof windows of their hideously expensive limousine, to the private jet waiting to rocket them away to a secluded resort, the extremely wealthy are now demanding their share of the American Dream.  “Why should poor people get all the help?”  Is the battle cry of the Wealth is OK with Us Liberation Army.

According to a recent survey of the top 1% of the US, when measured in net worth, a full 78% of those who responded demanded that corporate welfare include free lunches. “And not just that crap they serve to the common folk in the cafeteria” demanded one billionaire who asked to have his identity kept secret, because he did not want his wife to find out he was not eating the healthy lunch she packed for him each day.  “Look, the government gives free lunches to poor kids in school all the time, what do they do to generate jobs, how does that stimulate investment?”

Another key component of this Anti-Anti Wealth Movement is the use of public defenders in antitrust lawsuits and insider trading cases.  Since they feel it is normally the government “stirring up all the trouble when a guy is just trying to make a quick buck.  How is that different than when the DA is prosecuting a poor guy for armed robbery?”  When it is pointed out that the “poor guy” can not afford an attorney the response is “oh yeah, play the wealth card, why don’t ya?”  When it is pointed out that often public defenders are overwhelmed with case loads, overworked to the point of not having the time to prepare for trial and untrained to handle the intricacies of SEC regulations and the complexities involved in the legal maneuvering of corporate law, the answer is always, “the Government will just have to pony up the money for better lawyers for us. Hey, they started all of this, anyways.”

Some of the poorer members of this elite class of earners asked to have government subsidies for Country Club memberships.  No longer happy at the Country Clubs that allow “just about anybody, even congress people”, they are looking upward, even it is out of their price range.  “Hey, we pay taxes, a little, at least most of us”, explained one wealthy bank executive who requested privacy, claiming to be close friends with several people who had “heaps of dough, and they don’t know I am living on the edge.” Of course they demanded that it be completely invisible to the other members.  “Imagine the horror of finally teeing up at the Yellowstone Club and having the other members of your foursome find out good old Uncle Sam paid your way.  Even your caddy would die of shame.”

Taxes are the main irritant to the wealthiest of America.  Long have they considered their share of the tax burden unfair.  It is a widely held belief among the wealthy that tax laws are weighted heavily in the favor of the poor.  They argue for a tax rate that will cover the federal budget.  What they propose is to take the budget divide it by the number of citizens and everybody sends in a check for their share.  If there is not enough, another check, too much, give it to the wealthy, to invest in the future of the country.

It looks to be a long, protracted battle, but the wealthy say they will not give up until they have the same rights as everyone else.  They just want to be treated as equals, equals with a lot of money, power, and superiority.  “We are tired of being misunderstood.”