A New Policy Yesterday, but An Old Day Now.

It could have been a hundred years ago, but it could have been yesterday, too.  Three guys, well two guys and a dog, unable to find a job, started their own company, Life Explained.  It was a top secret, covert, research and development facility (seeking to unravel the riddles of the universe, and make some money) with no clients.  

The United States government found out about this top secret organization somehow, it might have been the article in a local paper about the grand opening, and jumped at the chance to enter a partnership.  It is why top secret laboratories and governments are formed, to provide for each other.  Kind of like an oppressively expensive, clandestine social circle.  

Soon, the company grew, and three employees became one hundred and thirty two.  But, it was difficult to get anything done, work schedules were lax, progress came in short bursts.  Projects that were finished in one department, moved to the next, and sat there waiting for somebody to arrive.  Experiments languished in empty labs.  It was a mess, and it was getting worse.

It was obvious to the three owners, two guys, and a dog, that something needed done.  If the small company was going to become a big company rules were necessary.

A consultant was hired, a man with an impeccable resume, a man who understood the needs being on time.  He was brisk, efficient, and to the point.  One phone call and they knew they had found the right guy.  “If you implement my system you will have no more problems,” he guaranteed.

Monday the twelfth the email went out.  There was going to be a new attendance and tardiness policy.  The meeting would be on Thursday, the seventeenth, at Eight AM, in conference room B, the large room with theater style seating.  Be on time.

Thursday dawned, bright, early, and with a vengeance, the air smelled like a jail cell, and the sun looked fluorescent.  And the man was set up by 7:30.

At 8:00 he started, promptly.  At 8:15 Bob, from accounting came in.  “Sorry, stuck in traffic.”  The man was perturbed, but went on with the presentation.  It involved points, on a sliding scale of severity.  If a person was less than 5 minutes late it was ¼ of a point.

At 8:25 Bob, from R and D showed up, and said, “hey, I am really sorry, my alarm didn’t go off.”  The man was getting upset, noticeably, but continued.  At 8:30 Bob, from Marketing came in, his car wouldn’t start.  8:45 and a tardiness, accident on the freeway, 8:52 “sorry I’m late, my basement was flooded.”  By now the man was shaking, and his voice was cracking.  For the next several minutes a litany of excuses, and associates paraded in the door.  A fire in the garage, a snake in the toilet, spiders, aliens, and snoring in-laws, contorted the man’s face with rage. 

Finally, when Bob, from Human Resources stood up, saying “I am going to Dunkin’ Donuts for a croissant and a coffee, anybody want anything?” the man had had enough.

He threw down his notes, kicked over the table, and swore his way out of the room.

The three owners were shocked.  Still, something needed to be done.  Since they had heard part of the presentation, and were felt themselves to be fairly intelligent people, and dog, they decided to make it their own, the Life Explained Omnibus Tardiness and Attendance Policy.

Having heard the parts about accruing points, on a sliding scale, they extrapolated.  Surely, they felt, anybody, or group, who could build such a fantastically successful and innovative company could come up with something much better than the original.

Here is the scale they conceived, and executed, but something was missing. 

Occurrence	Points
Less than 5 Minutes Late	.25
Less than 30 minutes Late	.5
Less than 60 Minutes Late	.75
More than 60 Minutes Late	1
Missing Day	2

What would the results provide?  They locked themselves in an office, until they came up with the ideal solution.   

An announcement went out, with the details above, and the implications that whoever had the most points at the end of the year would win this nice clock radio.   

People were scurrying out the door, a tsunami of humanity, as they rushed by, they yelled “I need to take a day off tomorrow, and I will be late the next day."

Soon, they gave up on the idea, and went back to the old way, just relying on the common decency of their employees to do the right thing.  What could possibly go wrong there?

Help Wanted, Little Work, Less Pay.

Business has really been picking up, and things are looking very bright, there is a palpable buzz, we have really turned a corner.  Since all of this success is taking so much of our time, we, here at Life Explained, have decided it is time to take the next step, time to take the plunge, time to reach a little higher, spread our wings just a bit further, time to quit messing around, grab the brass ring, and way too many other metaphors to list individually, however if you have a favorite and would like to see it used in a future blog post, please email us at tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com, and we will work it into a future installment.  Where were we, oh yes, we have decided to make use of a celebrity endorser.

Oh, sure, there are risks.  Suppose the celebrity endorser robs a bank, or steals a car, or indulges in an interstate crime spree, leaving a trail of destruction, despair and misery across the country, what then?  Well, any publicity is good publicity, right?  We don't mind a little controversy here at Life Explained, we welcome people who are unafraid to take a few risks, and kick over a few apple carts.  Of course, we don't really condone kicking over apple carts, mind you, that is a little excessive, and wasteful.  We read that a daily serving of fruit will reduce the risk of heart attack by 40%, and that is significant, and nobody wants to eat apples from a cart that has been kicked over, they are bruised, and dirty, and have little bits of gravel stuck in the...  Well, that is not important right now.

Paid celebrity endorser, not an actual
reader of this blog.

The United States Treasury (or whoever decides whose picture gets to be on money) only uses people who have been dead long enough that their reputation should remain untainted.  We considered that approach, but a decent celebrity endorser is difficult enough to find.  Looking for a suitable celebrity endorser long ago deceased is too time consuming and expensive to justify, we are on a budget, you know.  Besides, we like to think we are pretty "hip," and "with it," and needed someone who reflects our "cool" persona, and that sort of dictates somebody who has not been deceased for a couple of decades.

So, we are approaching several "A List" celebrities, including 10TV meteorologist Mike Davis, and a Professor of Anthropology at a well known, prestigious university, offering them the position.  But, just in case those fall through, and you are a celebrity, or know a celebrity, who might be interested, and is willing to endorse, for free (that part is very important, our money goes to pure scientific research, pizza, and non alcohol drink products) please email us Tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com.

Scientific Research, at it's Finest

According to a recent, scientific study conducted by Life Explained scientists, in a carefully controlled environment with adequate safeguards, and verifiable, quantified results there are two types of people in the world (at least the part of the world with cars).  Drive through people and walk in people.

Walk in people are more tolerant, and patient.  They weigh their options, and try to focus on the big picture.  Considered, rational, and charitable.  While drive through people are rushed, harried, and willing to settle for whatever they get.  Irritable, tyrannical, and domineering, drive through people can be a little tense.

"Excuse me, sir, can I help you?"  The counter person will ask the walk in customer.

"Not quite yet, I am still deciding among the many beautiful, varied, and delicious options."  Is the answer, while the customer says a silent prayer for his brethren who is about ready to navigate the no mans land of the drive through lane.  After careful, thorough deliberation the patient, kind walk in customer orders a large coffee (any size only a dollar this week) no cream, no sugar (why ruin good coffee)  and a cream filled, chocolate donut that is so good it would make Dante rethink the 9 spheres of heaven.

While in the background is the sound of someone grunting into a speaker, "gimme doughnut!"

"Yes, sir.  Would you like anything to drink with "doughnut"?  The clerk asks.

Fast food.

"Gimme coffee, cram in the cream and sugar, and make it fast, I'm in a big dammed hurry."  The driver shrieks into the intercom.  Throwing the money in through the window, he grabs his cup, and bag and speeds away, stuffing the doughnut in his mouth, using the coffee to keep from choking.  While the next person in line revs the engine, waiting for the green flag to drop, when the pained scream of squealing tires and the sickening stench of burning rubber will provide the backdrop for breakfast on the go.

"Life is sweet"

The walk in customer walks, happily, (except for the terrified sprint across the drive through lane) whistling a cheerful tune, back to their car, stopping just long enough to lend a helping hand to a poor, lost soul, down on their luck.  Who, using the unique opportunity provided by this wonderful, charitable, beloved person, begins to make good choices, gets a job, goes to night school, earns a degree, finds a wife, gets married, has children and is elected to city council, where he helps usher in a new era of industrious prosperity, and hope for a desperate population.  Good fortune rides in on a chocolate covered, glazed chariot, with sprinkles.



While it is true that people are people, scientific evidence proves that some people are not the same people as other people, and there are people who are more people than other people.  It gets a little confusing for the those without the proper education, and framed diplomas, and white lab coats, but trust us, we are doctors.