It makes me happy to get a message from an inanimate
object. Today, I removed the plastic lid
from my yoghurt and there, on the foil safety seal, super imposed over the
silhouette of a cow was the encouragement “Don’t worry about the opinions of
udders.” It was comforting, if a little silly. I took it to mean “be yourself,
enjoy your lunch, some people will like you, and some are lactose intolerant,
and that makes them angry, and they blame you.” I don’t know about you, but I
find some relief in that.
In the gym people’s shirts offer constant reinforcement,
“Just Do It’” “Don’t Finish Last.” “You Have to Play to Win.” “Beast Don’t
Rest.” Sometimes they provide a little
fashion advice “Get your swoosh on.” Sometimes they will boast, “I Make It Look
Easy.” Once in a while the advice will border on insulting, “Maybe you should
practice.” If you show up in a plain
t-shirt you are practically antisocial. I like to wear one that says, “Cheesecake
is the solution.”
Taco Bell has messages on the packets of sauce it gives
away. I used to make a point of not looking until I got home. It was like a
fortune cookie. Occasionally it was a little suggestive, “I’m up for it, are
you?” Please, I’m a happily married man. Occasionally you would find something
profound. “Do it with passion or not at all.” It made me wish I had ordered
more boldly. I want the supreme burrito,
please.
Heinz had a bottle of catsup that asked, simply “Need a gift
idea?” Catsup for any occasion, it goes with anything, except a white t-shirt. And
the price is right.
Bumper stickers have a lot to say. “Watch Out for
Motorcycles.” Good advice, made timelier considering my eyes are glued to the bumper,
of a pickup truck. Many people, too many people feel the need to tell you how
they are going to vote, or soon, how they voted. I always feel bad for people who
have the name of the candidate who lost fastened permanently to the protective
feature of their car. I want to pull up next to them at the stop light and say “I
understand. I vote for the wrong guy sometimes too.” I don’t, it seems mean to
remind them they backed the wrong horse. They are forced to fact that failure
every time they approach the car from behind. It must knock a few dollars off
the trade in value.
I have this plan, everybody should wear a hat with a word on
the top. Nobody gets to pick the word, it is completely random, and they will
just go about their lives normally, at least as normally as possible considering
they are wearing hats with a word on top. At odd times during the day a
helicopter or a drone would fly over the people, like lunchtime or some time it
is crowded and snap a photo, just to see what they said. What sentence they
made. What message the universal controller had for us.
I like to think it would offer some reassurance, “Don’t
worry, things will get better,” or “Don’t give up, you are almost there.” The
voice of the cosmos telling us that it would all be ok, our work and care are
not pointless.
Maybe it would provide a little comic relief, “My dog has no
nose.”
“How does it smell?”
“Awful.”
But, as a race of sentient beings we are not inclined to
provide that level of cooperation. And hats are not cheap, even if I could talk
the entire metro area to help out, and it costs a lot to rent a helicopter. So,
until I can work out the details I am going to look for wisdom where ever I can.
If I find any I will tell you right away.
