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Thursday, May 10, 2012

Putting America Back on Top.


There is a new trend among the upper middle class of America. They want to live happier, longer, more fulfilling lives.  Americans with some disposable income are outsourcing the more difficult parts of their days to cheaper third world labor.  Packing up their troubles in their old kit bag and shipping them to people who are willing to suffer the suffering gladly for a nominal fee. Which is helping some Americans live better.

“It started one morning when I had this sonofabitch of a sinus headache.  I thought to myself, man I would pay dearly if somebody else could take this and I could enjoy my latte, and digital newspaper.”  Ben Bilson tells us.  “I looked out the window and the guy was cleaning the pool, and I thought why not ask.  So, I went out and offered him a hondo (slang for $100.00) and he said ‘Que?’ so I explained it in a little more depth and showed him the hundred, and he agreed, haven’t had a headache since.  Best hundred I ever spent.”

Bilson thought about this, and came to the conclusion that “outsourcing,” long a scourge in American lexicon, could become a boon, not only to the economy, also to the quality of life in his country.

Acting quickly, he contacted some friends who ran a small company importing toys and pitched the idea to them. 

“You want us to contact our suppliers and ask them to take your headaches?!??”  They were incredulous. 

“No, no, no, not just headaches, and not just mine.  Lower back pain, hypertension, hair loss, gout, all of the modern plagues that are cursing everybody.  All of the really bothersome things that have led to such a decline in productivity, and are ruining the American Dream.”  Ben explained to his friends.  Still skeptical they agreed to approach some of their international vendors.

Not surprisingly, their suppliers were more than willing to take on the additional income.  Soon, people were exporting problems to third world hell holes in supertankers.  Huge boats filled with inconvenient maladies setting sail for India, China, Vietnam, Former Soviet countries.  Train cars filled to overflowing with minor, annoyances streamed south to Mexico.

Of course human rights organizations have been quick to take up arms against this.  Pictures of the world’s poor, walking around with migraines and impotence were running in papers and magazines around developed countries.  These were followed by huge fund raising dinners, people lined up to give money for third world Viagra, and and ointments to stop male pattern baldness from Juarez to Shanghai

American pharmaceutical companies were making money faster than they could carry it to the bank, and they had to lower the price of medicines, out of embarrassment.  American productivity sky rocketed, and soon Third World countries were importing American goods at record levels.  Not only had the goods become less expensive to produce, all of that money paid to "surrogate sufferers" made many former peasants very wealthy..

Inner city crime dropped in America, employment became the norm, and people were smiling so cheerfully on public transport that commuters were happy to be on the bus or train, blissfully anticipating work   .

Ben Bilson was given an honorary doctorate from Harvard, Yale, Stanford and Great Plains Community College in the Rural Midwest.  He still lives headache free.  So can you, for a price.