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Thursday, January 2, 2014

2014, what you need to know, to survive.

Today  is the second day of the year, and it is time to look ahead, no time for the past, the future beckons, and we are powerless to resist the siren's song.  Laying before us is all of 2014, waiting, a step forward, like a new job, a first date, the first glimpse of a bright, glorious future, or maybe a dark plunge into a bottomless pit, who knows?  Either way, we are here, resistance is futile, and escape is impossible.  We here, at Life Explained, want to help, so we are providing a list of predictions to help you plan.

Of course, thanks to the wonderfully frightened legal department, we need to add this disclaimer.  "All predictions are based on speculation, (except for the ones that are completely fabricated) and should not be accepted as truth, or used to wager (unless they are correct, in which case 'We told you so'), this list is provided for entertainment purposes only.  Which makes it entirely your responsibility to be entertained, so if you are not amused it is your own dammed fault."

  1. Sports.  Some team is going to win the Championship in your favorite sport, which will either be one of the finest accomplishments of athletic achievement, or an ill officiated travesty that makes you too sick to even contemplate.  Not too sick to bore your co-workers, and friends to death rambling on and on about the fantastic, life affirming play of the heroic team everybody should love, or the heinous, criminal fiasco perpetrated by some syndicate of power brokers who were just looking to make a quick buck, and care nothing for the beauty of competition, "and they should fire that coach, he is an idiot."
  2. Your job will be rewarding and challenging, particularly when you consider the insurmountable projects, and odds presented almost daily.  Your constant lament will be "why me, who could do all this?"  But, being slightly above average in several ways, you will persevere and come through, underpaid, and unappreciated, but that is your lot in life.
  3. You will not win the lottery, the power ball, or even bingo, loser, so save your money, and buy municipal bonds, at least you won't go broke.
  4. You will lose some weight, gain some weight, complain about your weight, and if you are lucky, will find some pants that fit well and look really nice, too.  And don't bother thinking about finding some decent shoes and at a good price, that ain't happenin' amigo!

There you go, 2014 in 4 paragraphs, now if you decide to sleep in and don't wake up until next year you won't have missed anything.