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Sunday, March 23, 2014

Wars In The Home

There comes a time when life chase you down and tackles you from behind.  Often, this happens just when you feel as though you have hit the corner, and the tight end of daily duty has held his block long enough for you to cut upfield and run down the sidelines towards the end zone of success and just as you are about ready to cross the goal line for the touchdown of easy, carefree living, and bam you are smashed down on the one yard line of pain and suffering by the free safety of responsibility...  Oops, sorry about that, football season is coming, and I am kind of excited.

But, that is not what we are here to talk about , we are here to discuss home improvement, and small repairs.  My advice is, avoid them, no matter what, don't let anybody (particularly your wife) shame you into changing the faucet, sink, light fixture, electrical outlet, anything.  It is a fools errand, and that is not the fool you want to be.  You can trust me here, I have tried all sorts of idiocy, and this one is the worst, and possibly the most dangerous.

With this advice in mind, I am going to change the light fixture in the bathroom today, a dangerous, difficult undertaking involving, at the very least, a screw driver, a wrench, probably and a lethal electrical current.  Ok, so you don't need a wrench, but you need two types of screwdrivers.

Here is the good part, because of the unique properties of electricity this light fixture, (an LED, EnergyStar model) could, at any moment, go from a rousing feat of successful home improvement, a small victory for the common man, to a sparking, sizzling, self destructing kamikaze, burning your house to ground any time, day or night.  It becomes a time bomb, just waiting on the edge of consciousness, constantly gnawing at the corners of your mind, poking you in your sleep, forcing you to rush home after work, to make sure your house has not been razed by your technical prowess.

Well, I am off, tools, tape, and confidence in hand, if you never see me again, tell Coach Riley to win a championship for me. and tell the Academy I will not be available to accept the Oscar next year, what the heck, call the Pulitzer people, the Publishers Clearing House people, the Nobel people, and the Heisman Award people, and tell them to call my wife, who shamed me into this act of self destruction, is to blame.

Hey, that is the end of today's episode, tune in tomorrow when we discuss installing a new shower head, or scalding yourself right before you drown.