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Sunday, December 20, 2015

Life Explained, a Christmas Story Part III

Eddie took the elevator to his small apartment. It was only one flight up, but Eddie reasoned he paid rent, and the elevator was covered in there somewhere. Sometimes he would wait for several minutes for the elevator, but that cheap landlord was not getting over on Eddie, dammit!

After warming a cup of noodles,* and opening a beer, he sat down and watched the late show, and was soon fast asleep.

Soon, there was a crash, a boom, and a crack of thunder. Eddie jumped out of his recliner, spilling his beer, and dropping the television remote.

Looking wildly around the room he saw smoke by the front door, lots of smoke, like a vaporizer gone mad, it had a mildly pleasant aroma, almost like pumpkin pie.

Out of the smoke stepped a man, huge, imposing, sporting a long graying beard, a Dallas Cowboys hat, and wearing a bathrobe.

He fixed Eddie with a steely glare, puffed on a vaporizer that looked like a pipe. After disappearing briefly behind a cloud of vaporizer smoke he stood several feet closer to Eddie.

Eddie turned to run intending to lock himself in the bathroom. Whoever, or whatever, this guy was he was obviously nuts. Turning too quickly, he was not quite awake yet, he ran his foot into the side of the chair, stubbing his toe, splitting the nail. As he lay, rolling in agony, the giant man came over, grabbed him by the shoulders and sat him in the chair.

"I am the god of Christmas past." he said, followed by a crash of thunder. Followed by a banging on the wall, and a muffled "what the hell are you doing in there?"

"But," Eddie stammered, "it is only Thanksgiving."

The giant man took his phone out his pocket, looked at his screen, looked at his watch, looked at the screen on his phone. "Man, I am heading right to HR when I get back."

He slammed the phone on the table by Eddie's chair, selected an app and typed in a code.
Lightning struck, thunder roared, and Eddie's rug was smoking, a small spark resting right in the
center. The giant took Eddie's beer and poured it on the rug.

Hammering on the wall was followed by "the 4th of July was yesterday dumb ass!"

The giant man sighed, rolled his eyes up towards the heavens and muttered, "that does it, I'm going back to a staff." He threw the phone against the wall, caught it on the rebound, typed in a code, crack, boom, flash. It was Christmas Eve.

Banging on the wall was deafening, and a voice shrieked, "all right, I'll do you, good!" A door could be heard slamming open, then closed in the hallway.

The god of Christmas Past looked at his phone, pressed the screen, and boom Eddie was sitting in the passenger seat of a PT Cruiser. It wouldn't start, dead battery. the god of Christmas Present cursed, and asked Eddie for a portable battery charger from the glove compartment (only $129.95 with free shipping from Amazon**).

Eddie's toenail is still hanging on, barely, and things have gotten a little strange, nothing new at Life Explained. Tune in tomorrow for the "exciting" visit to Christmas Past. There will be dogs, cats, and a rain storm.


* Thirty three cents, at eCrater, I will monetize this site myself Google, take that!
** Man, this monetizing thing is pretty easy.