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Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Life Explained, Insures America

We, here at Life Explained, Ohio have decided to branch out a little. We have some free time waiting for the election cycle to end and the new president to decide the most reasonable way to peace is the ostentatious ability to destroy your enemies, friends, neighbors and anybody else foolish enough to commit the unthinkable, whatever that is, nobody really wants to think about it too much. Sooner or later they all come to the same place, we need more firepower, lots of it. And a way to get that power to the place that it will do the most peaceful destruction, that is when they come to us.

But, for now, nobody wants to stock up on destruction. So we are opening a little side business. We are going to sell Life Explained Insurance. Insurance for those inexplicable things in life. Things that should never happen. Life Explained Calamity Coverage.

If you are at the baseball game and the foul fly ball lands in your nachos, ruining your polo shirt, plaid shorts and foam finger indicating the numerical significance of your team, and spilling the beer that costs more than your first two cars don't worry. You're covered. There will be an agent in the ball park to buy you a new tray of cheesy, delicious molten lava with jalapeno rings, and corn chips. A new finger, shirt and shorts, and a beer. Just think of how nice you will look, parading around like a real dude in all those new duds.

You're hungry, so you stop for a big bag of burritos. In your zeal to get home and start wolfing them down you drive off leaving the whole bag on the top of your car, only to watch in horror as they fall off and are ground into paste as the tractor trailer carrying a huge piece of earth moving equipment rumbles over them. That is not a problem. We will have ATM like machines in every fast food chain in the country. Just input a picture of your destroyed treasure, and scan your receipt and the machine will print out a voucher for the total replacement cost of your once beloved food.

Let's face it, grilling is impossible, throw in a few beers and you might as well serve the charcoal. And steak is expensive, just text us a photo of your latest destruction, and we will send over someone who can tame the wild flames. They will have replacement steaks, and valium to calm your frayed, smoke covered nerves.

We all know life is filled with moments not covered under most major medical plans, term or whole life insurance policies, home owners, renters, or automotive insurance, or charity organizations. Life Explained is here to fill the gap, for a price. Money is not important though, the precious minutes of life, and food, those are the things that count.

Email us today for a quote, you won't regret it, probably, not very much anyway.