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Friday, April 29, 2016

It looked good on the whiteboard.

Last Thursday, one week and one day ago, Thursday the 21st, Dr. Dawg and I had a very important meeting with a potentially profitable client. We can't mention any names, but he represents an organization that is housed in a huge building that has more than 4 sides, but less than 6 sides, and throws money at anybody who can design and build a guidance system able to deliver a warhead through a basement window.

Anyway, on that morning, we overslept, and then somehow we started watching "2012" with John Cusack, we have a real affinity for doomsday movies where scientists save some small, wretched, undeserving, ungrateful contingent of base humanity. It still brings a tear to our eye.

About the time the aircraft carrier John Kennedy smashes into the White House killing Danny Glover (who, if you remember, kicked hell out of a predator, so he does not go gently into that good night) we remembered our meeting. We rushed out the door, Dr. Dawg in Iron Man pajamas, and me in a coffee stained tshirt and gym shorts. But, traffic was heavy and we were too late, our potential cash cow, client was gone.

Clearly, this was unacceptable. We had to make sure this did not happen again. We decided to install a black hole generator right on the big curved ramp from one freeway to the other.  We reasoned we could use it most days to shave between 9 and 23 minutes off our commute by traveling through quantum space and avoiding the 2nd freeway altogether.

On days like last Thursday we would use the "gravitational redshift effect" to travel through time, and make it to our meeting with minutes to spare, even if we had an extra cup of coffee, another frozen breakfast burrito, and watched the entire movie "Sunshine" where scientists equip a bunch of whiny, do nothing, no good astronauts with all of the tools and skills needed to reignite the sun with an atomic weapon, and save the world.

Today we took it for a spin, it worked great. We got to work at the same time we left the house. Our coffee still hot, and tasty, our donuts as fresh as when they came out of the little glass enclosure, the sprinkles almost jumping off the glazed topping.

Unfortunately for the small midwest city where our secret midwest office and research facility is located, the off switch malfunctioned, and the gravitational governor was sucked into the event horizon and launched into another universe. These troublesome, but completely unforeseeable, and completely "non-litigatable" occurrences have started quite a chain reaction on the east side of town.

So, to the all of the drivers who are now stuck in some alternate universe, or distant galaxy we would like to apologize without accepting any legal responsibility, And to the homes and businesses being swallowed into the inky blackness rest assured we are working toward a reasonable remedy, and it should be finished before it is too late, not that we did anything wrong, of course.