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Saturday, December 31, 2016

Know your rights, and your wines.

Fake wines are a big problem. Well, it is probably real wine, it is just not the expensive wine advertised on the label. People all over the world are scampering down the stairs, to the wine cellar, trying to determine if their expensive, awful tasting snot wine is real or a forgery. Once down the stairs they realize they don’t have a wine cellar, and rush back upstairs to the wine fridge, tucked neatly between the sink and the pantry. They rip open the door to the mini fridge, and grab the bottle off the top, unscrew the lid and take a big swallow, “nope, it’s real,” they breath a sigh of relief. Well as long as it is out, might as well have a glass. Go ahead, use the Muppets take Manhattan plastic tumbler, it is a special occasion.

But suppose it would have been counterfeit, what are your options then? Well, you could take it back
to Walgreens, and try to get your money back. Odds are, though, they will not have an expert on staff. Sure the guy working the photo booth knows a thing or two about the grape, but he is part time, and sometimes he works in the back where he can’t be seen.

No, your best option is to hire a small army of mercenaries, head to the bottling plant in Syracuse, and demand your money back. We have taken the liberty of scouting the facility for you. It is an older building in a mostly industrial area. Brick walls and bars on the windows are going to make a siege the best option. We recommend sending in a team of saboteurs to empty all the food out of the refrigerator and disable the well stocked vending machine. Denying the enemy food makes a siege much more effective. With the rising costs of decent mercenaries you don’t want to wait any longer than necessary.

Wait until Friday, about 3:37. The production staff rushes out of there so quickly on Friday it is amazing. Honestly, they leave dust trails, scraps of paper following them out the door. Set up your siege ring, fire some tear gas through the bathroom windows, the accountant always sneaks in there for a smoke. March in to the office area, don’t bother going in the production area, you will only wake the custodian, and he gets so cranky, and demand your $2.97 plus tax.

Not only is it your right, it will teach them to try to charge a premium price for the cheap crap. You have standards, and the world will be a better place. It is kind of like a public service.