Happiness, and Hanging On.

My wife wants me to try to be happier. She wants me to see things through a different lens, something a little clearer, not so cloudy. Every morning, when I leave for work she says "today is going to be a good day."

"It will." I reply, hope springs eternal.

If it were anybody except my wife I would be convinced that they were only trying to make me
happier because they know it makes me miserable. Every night my wife would hear about the mean spirited, spiteful, small people who were trying to make me feel better just to hurt me. She would smile and tell me I should try to be happier just to show them they couldn't make suffer by wishing happiness on me, explaining how they would learn better than to wish cheerfulness on me.

My wife and I have a complicated relationship. Despite all of our years together, all of the trials, and difficulties, all of the tears and laughter I really believe she wants me to be happy, just because she loves me and wants me to be happy.

I am trying, too, with mixed success. Emails and phone calls still send shivers down my spine. I try not read between the lines, ignoring the fertile patch of menace growing around the carefully crafted sentences. Thinly veiled threats of violence and anger seething just below the surface. I still know it's there, I just don't look at it. I have become an ostrich, sticking my head in the sand and hoping that everything turns out ok. I ignore the derision and scorn, the mocking, smug superior attitude in every voice mail. The contempt and pettiness are nothing, less than nothing. Ignoring the pompous, elitist, reactionary, fools that make the rules for...

I might need to work a little more on this. It slides in and out of focus, I sometimes lose my grip on a good-natured disposition. But, I am trying.

My wife thinks a theme song might help. I am going to try out several, over the next few days. You will be able to vote on them here;  Life Explained,

Here is the first entry, from one of my favorite frantic, frightening musician turned Member of Parliament, Peter Garrett, and Midnight Oil.

While I realize this is not about being happy it is about never giving up, no matter how difficult things become. And happiness, I am learning is a cruel mistress, kind of like my wife, I guess, but I haven't given up on her, either, and we are pretty happy together.