The weatherman says somethings on the move.

The midterm elections are over and both sides are claiming victory. Maybe both of them won. It is so hard to say.  We will only see if America won over the course of the next two years. We have a chance for bipartisan cooperation and accomplishment or petty, childish bickering, gridlock and international humiliation as progress grinds to a halt. We are taking bets right now.

In Ohio things were heated, accusations made, terrible things were said. Fingers were pointed, and claims of unholy alliances with "Pelosi" or "Trump." I kind of miss the days when our local politicians just made promises that had no intention of, or ability to keep. "I will make the days more pleasant, and reduce anxiety." Things I could really support.

But, this is like the preseason. An introductory course, "campaign observation 1A." Now we come to the big boys, and big girls, and big promises, and big accusations, and giant piles of unbelievable crap. The super bowl of American politics, the presidential primaries.

There must be hundreds of democrats lining up for a place on the dais. Anybody who has ever been elected and involved in one of the numerous congressional investigations into almost anything except how our government has so much time to go off investigating things that aren't really all that significant.





But, it is a unique opportunity to try out some presidential scowls and grimaces while asking some pointless questions, in a way that makes them seem important. And what else can we really expect out of our president, meaningless gestures, and self important posturing?

On the other side of the aisle, as they say in Washington, hardly anybody. Everybody seems a little cowed by the Mighty Oz. Nobody wants to be on the wrong end of that tweeting machine.

Though, Mitt Romney seems as if he is willing to take another run at it. He has never been a fan of Trump, and lately has been pointing out what everybody already knows. Trump acts like a child, a spoiled child. Man, I miss Mitt Romney. I would never vote for him, unless he was running against Trump, but Trump has changed the whole political kaleidoscope, everything looks worse.

Of course, I think, and this is just speculation, Paul Ryan, P90x fitness machine and now retired congress person is secretly building a campaign platform around the considerable personality trait that he is not Donald Trump. A feature many people find appealing. Plus he can claim that he was not involved in the longest government shutdown in history. And, he looks a lot better with a beard than Ted Cruz.

So, we have a choice to make, not much of a choice, but it is the only one we have.

Next year, and last year, all in one.

2016 is almost over. It was a year that seemed to last forever. It was a unfortunate year in many ways. Looking back it is difficult, at least before a 3rd cup of coffee (on the 2nd one now) to find any highlights at all. But, it is easy to see patterns forming. Extrapolating from these patterns is not difficult. So, before the Life Explained Year in Review we are going to have the Life Explained Bold New Predictions.

Donald Trump won the presidency riding the fame of a reality television show. His brash, abusive style unchanged from television to the campaign trail. Bullying his way through the primaries, insulting  his opponents, belittling the press, and attacking the solemn institution of American democracy. And the crowd went wild. No matter what you thought of his election it signaled a change. The most powerful office in the country no longer has requires any qualifications, experience not necessary. It opens the door to anybody who is comfortable in front of a camera. Which spells real excitement for

“Fake” news was a hot topic in 2016. People read it, passed it along, held it dear. Fake news, according to people who study these things, is nothing new. What really surprised most people was the willingness of people to embrace news so bizarre. If it supported their beliefs it was good enough for them, and good enough for the people they knew. It was shared, liked, loved, commented on in astonishing numbers. America loves a good bit of gossip, so much so that it has been institutionalized, given a place of honor in the national dialog.  This probably means the incidence of less than true news to skew public opinion will grow, expand. And here is a bold prediction, Americans will eat it up.

To recap, future elections will pit one television star against another, and propagandists will light the way. One thing that will be nice, we will have much higher voter turnouts for a Taylor Swift vs. Kanye West campaign. When we start bringing in professional wrestling stars it will get very exciting. Oh the anticipation.

There you have it, not only was this the prediction episode of Life Explained, it was the year in review, for no additional fees.

A new choice for Election 2016

Recently there was some online conversation suggesting that I, Tim, the founder of Life Explained, would make a viable third party candidate for president. In fact, we went even further and decided I would make a good president, maybe even a great president.

So, vote for me and the drinks are free. We could take the nation to new places, provided we can get Canada and Mexico to cooperate.

Having researched the problems facing this country it is clear that almost all of them could be solved with the liberal application of cash. Money is the key.

Vote Early and Vote Often.

Most presidents leave office with a tidy little nest egg, or at least some pocket money, and then they get filthy rich giving lectures, making appearances, shaking hands, and being the ex-president. It is one of the highest paying jobs out there.

As leader of the free world you meet a lot of people with a serious supply of cash. Huge piles of money, and after you retire you can ask them for some of it. "I will speak to your board of directors for an obscene amount of moolah." And they will write you a check. It is a beautiful system.

Since I am not really interested in being all that rich (as long as I can pay my bills and afford an
occasional new app I am happy) I will negotiate a deal with all of those well moneyed people to give the government the money now and I will give the speeches later. Using this Future Applied Money Earnings (FAME) I will balance the budget.

Not only will I balance the budget, I will increase military spending, cut taxes to nothing, improve subsidies for the poor and needy. Improve the infrastructure, schools, hospitals, and libraries. And I will have enough left over to buy the first round.

I will send some coin to the Islamic state and when they find out how nice it is to be wealthy they will come around to our way of thinking. Capitalism is a lot more attractive to people with money.

So, the choice is clear, the old way of thinking, if you want to call it thinking, provided by the Clinton Empire, the bellicose, gaseous, raving of the Trumpster, or the calm, refreshing Life Explained approach. You decide, but don't be stupid about it.

Act now, cabinet level positions are filling fast.

Primaries, Primaries, and not a drop to drink.

Today is the nations first primary. Held every four years in New Hampshire, this small state is buried under empty promises, and political ads. If the politicians really wanted to help maybe they would shovel some snow.

I am not politically active, an occasional vote is the best I can do. Even that causes discomfort, and feelings of remorse, and waste. Standing in line, picking the person who seems least objectionable, least likely to make a complete mess of things. Only to be disappointed in such humble expectations, somehow that doesn't make sense.

 I love politics, it is a primitive battle between tribe members attempting to attain the envied "alpha" status. There is something noble about combatants facing the gauntlet of abuse, innuendo and insults, standing against the onslaught of hate, vying for dominance. Noble, but kind of dumb.

For one thing there is very little a president can actually do. Congress, the courts, the press, and public opinion stand ready to interfere, criticize, and confound. Even party members will want to manipulate everything to benefit their state, or district.

Every time a president turns around there will be another elected official with a hand extended. "Want to cut defense spending? Fantastic idea, I can't wait to vote for that budget. You know the best way to reduce defense spending is to buy new tanks from Tank Manufacturers, in the great state of (fill in any state here)."

Of all the abhorrent things empty promises are the worst. I would stand in line, in a freezing rain, in my gym shorts, and a t shirt, to vote for a person who would say "Things are tough, and they are not going to get a lot better. Special interests control everything in our country, and there is not much anybody can do about it. But, I will try to keep things from getting worse."

In the end flowery promises of heaven are nice to hear, and they make wonderful stories on television and in the paper. But, if somebody can save us from hell (and that may not be possible anymore) I would be happy.

Voting the ultimate charity.

We, here at Life Explained (#lifeexplained) have decided to move forward with a new fund raising strategy.  It is almost fool proof, it is almost perfect.  Plus, it is so simple that almost anybody can do it.  That's right, we are going to run for president.

Well, not all of us are going to run for president, not that all of us shouldn't run for president, don't get us wrong, all of us would make a wonderful president, you should be so lucky to have us all for president, being president would be easy for us after the things we have been through, why the stories we could tell you...  Anyway, we are going to pick one of us, and he, or she, is going to run for president.

Thorough research has indicated that campaigning for president maybe the most lucrative profession in the country.  And you don't even have to win, people will hire you to give speeches, and advocate on their behalf, and there are book rights, and made for television movies, and... it is just a good idea.

First, there are the fundraiser dinners.  People pay thousands of dollars to have a meal with us.  And we don't even have to cook, serve or clean up.  Where else are you going to find a sweetheart deal like that?  We have trouble getting somebody's mom to fix up a plate of cookies and drop them off once in a while.  And, then we have to wash the plate, and take it back.  And, if we ask for a few dollars for gas, maybe a cup of coffee for the trip back to work they ask like we are asking if we can move back home.  Which would not be so bad, we could help out with the yard work, and maybe pitch in for the groceries.  They could do a lot worse than us for a room mate, we can tell you that, we bring a lot to the table, we have a job, and our own microwave, and...  Anyway, there is a lot of money to be made in dinners like that.

Second, there is that cool bus, traveling across the country, shaking hands, meeting people.  Sitting down, breaking bread with the common people, the salt of the Earth, the good folk of this fine country.  Discussing the issues, exploring their priorities, learning what they feel is wrong and needs to be fixed in the nations capitol, and then ignoring it completely.  But, a lot of those little diners have excellent pie or cobbler, fresh, dairy churned ice cream, and big steaming mugs of hot, delicious coffee.  And, we are pretty sure someone else picks up the tab.  Man, the people of this country have it made, really, what are they whining about, we are the ones stuck in that stupid tour bus, with all of those boring charts, and displays, and the constant, endless whining sound of unemployment, budget, foreign policy, reach across the aisle, you know what, let the people put down their coffee mug, and spoon full of ice cream and cobbler, and deal with that stuff, that is what we think should...  Well, we are off to Dubuque, we hear The Golden Hen has a fantastic omelet.

Hey, is that a tax exempt political donation,
or are you just glad to see us. 

Third, there will be people lining up to hand us suitcases full of money.  How many times in your life have you been in a position to accept bags of cash from fantastically wealthy people?  We don't really care, that was not really a question it was more of a declarative, yes we realize it was phrased as an interrogative, but trust us, we can tell by looking at you nobody ever handed you a sack of cash.  It was an example of using rhetoric to emphasize the validity of an argument.   We used a phrase that would invoke a strong visual reaction to make a point.  What was the point?  Well... what was the point?  Oh, yeah.  There is a lot of money being handed to candidates today, and according to the candidates, and donors, it is not to influence policy, or buy elections, it is just to... it is only for... we don't know why they go around handing out serious piles of coin like that, and we don't care, we would just like to get out hands on some

Remember, it is your government, and it only works if you all vote, and donate, so get out and vote, and donate.  We take cash, checks and all major credit cards, jewelry, electronics, and motor vehicles. Can our opponents say that?

Another crisis, another quick response. You're welcome.

 
It was a beautiful evening, Dr. Dawg and I were sitting on the patio of an exclusive club, in a fashionable, trendy neighborhood, sipping smooth Kentucky bourbon, and expensive, imported beer. Life had rarely looked so promising. It was so wonderful we were both wearing sunglasses despite the gathering dusk.

"We should have some grilled shrimp with picante, and chili peppers." Dr. Dawg said, as a pretty girl walked by, smiled, and patted him on the head. I swear, the ladies love that Dawg. Looking around and trying to get the attention of our waitperson, I heard the unmistakable sound of Elvis singing "Hound Dog" echoing off the glass table top and the half full pint glasses. Showing that Dawg how to change his ring tone was a big mistake. Who knew there were so many songs about dogs? It will be awful when he discovers the Baha Men.

He answered it quickly, "Dr. Dawg, talk to me." He nodded his head several times, saying "I see," and "yes, yes." After several minutes he ended the call with, "don't worry, I will handle this."
Looking me in the eye, he drank down the last bit of his delicious, golden, European draft, rushed inside to the restroom, and reappeared as Candidate Dawg, jumping onto a table top, and began to speak in a clear, promising, compassionate voice.

Reenactment 

Just as quickly, he hurried off,  and came back, sunglasses, and flowered shirt, ready for a relaxing evening as a private citizen.  Campaign contributions deposited, email addresses secured, and another victory for democracy, free enterprise, and capitalism, all in all a pretty good evening, for our hero.

Politics the American Way

Some people despise political ads, finding them too vicious, too mean, and too degrading. Politics is a dirty business, and you have to be tough to survive. At the same time, reality based television is still popular, sporting events draw large crowds, and shows using voting audiences to decide the results of competitions still have large followings of devoted fans. As an organization with a dedicated, vested interest in seeing the right people in office it is our civic duty, here at Life Explained, to devise a plan using the best of all of these, (am mash-up if you will, or a hash-up for those of you in the culinary arts) into a failsafe, foolproof system that will guarantee the continued operation of the United States© and the American Dream™.

Bil, our longtime friend, and valued coworker, participated in chess boxing for a time (he retired undefeated, by the way, having played a few games of "Chess with Friends" against him, we can say he must be a very good boxer). This is a unique blend of the mental and physical arts, wherein the competitors play a game of chess between rounds of a boxing match. One of the ways to win is checkmate, of course, but it is unclear if the boxing portion has any effect on the outcome, other than decreasing the ability of your opponent to formulate and execute a winning strategy through repeated blows to the head. It is, probably, safe to say a knockout would count as a win, but we could not ask Bil if there were any other scoring during the boxing, he was on vacation for the week. So, for five days he was not such a valued coworker after all. We will get some answers to these pressing questions on Monday.

Political debates have become, more or less, symbolic of the problems that face our democracy today. They do not really express anything, only reinforcing the beliefs of the faithful. Without fail, both candidates will walk away claiming victory, and the parties will dogmatically drive home the points they feel best represent their nominees stunning, crushing success. Any undecided voter will quickly lose sight of the things they felt were important, and be buried under the claims of the television analysts. It is safe to say that most of the people watching already know how they are going to vote, and the rest are tired of the wasted breath, and empty rhetoric.

But, we here at Life Explained have a plan to change that! "The Life Explained Boxing Debate©" brought to you by (we are still looking for corporate sponsors, here is your chance to hit it big). Candidates will debate the important issues of the day, and at the bell, they will box for two minutes. People will log on and vote for who they think is doing the best job.

 Of course, nobody wants to elect a candidate just on his ability to pummel an opponent without mercy, at the same time the country needs a father, a man who can carry his own stuff, a salt of the Earth type. A guy who has your back when things get tough. That is why people can vote on both the debate, and boxing components.

There will still be a moderator, but there will also be an announcer, and a commentator, and a ring girl, corner men, and fight doctors, and ring side seats filled with wealthy people dressed in clothing that adequately describes their worth. Girls in skimpy costumes parading around the ring between rounds. Concession revenues, and scalpers selling tickets outside the doors, gambling, and all of those great American symbols of freedom, and success. People will be excited to vote again.

America will be saved, the economy will be boosted, and we might start electing presidents every year.

 
We, here at Life Explained would like to add the following disclaimer, "we have nothing against girls, and sincerely believe that many girls can punch with enough force to run for political office, at any level. So please don't email your indignation, and please don't punch us. It was just a joke."