Intelligent Life, Maybe, They Know how to Rock.

Recently several members of the Life Explained Department of Theoretical Exploration were attempting to calculate the odds against intelligent life existing elsewhere in the universe.  Of course, this led to the inevitable debate regarding the lack of intelligent life on Earth.  Which, naturally led to some good natured teasing, a few foolish, harmless slurs, a couple of hurtful, intentionally cruel barbs, a slap, then an uppercut, a knife brandished menacingly, several shots fired wildly, and the custodian bursting into the room and threatening to "bust open a few heads unless all you all stop acting like a bunch of idiots."  At that point everyone stopped, went back to their lunches and acted as though they had some sense.

Dr. Dawg, and I decided to answer the question once and for all.  We configured the Time Machine for deep space travel, and took off for the hippest, happening places in the far reaches of the universe.  We came across a few places that looked promising, but after listening to the radio stations playing nothing but top 40 pop, over and over again, we decided to keep looking.

Flying through the Woodstock Nebula we came across a station playing Before You Accuse Me, the blues influenced rock and roll classic from Credence Clearwater Revival.  By the time they hit the bridge, we were dancing and singing, and making fools of ourselves, in the tiny, cramped cockpit of our recently converted spaceship.  We decided to stop, and have a frosty one with the crazy cats on the planets surface.

And they were great.  The music was being blasted from a small tavern on the outskirts of a huge settlement, called One, it was the first city founded on the planet, and the inhabitants thought that was a good way to keep track of things.

The natives in the bar looked almost human, but not quite, they were a little shorter, kind of pale and seemed to be a little nervous, but who could blame them?  They were hosting a space traveling dog, and his freakishly handsome sidekick (me).

So, we came home, and we can answer, there is beer. I am not sure about intelligent life, but, we probably wouldn't recognize it if it borrowed our car.

Saving Jeff pt. 5, or Dawg turns on the charm.

This is part 5 of an awfully long and awful story about the battle for the shipping guy, Jeff. If you haven't read part 1, part 2, part 3 and part 4  this might not make much sense. I wouldn't hold out a lot of hope either way. But, they are readily available, and free, and it probably wouldn't hurt, too much, to go have a quick read.


Bob went through the offices, trying different chairs. A Goldilocks parade through the executive suite and the offices of privilege. He limped around mahogany desks, reclining in plush leather seats. He stumbled through private labs and sat on stools.

"This one is too cushy, not enough support." He said maliciously, glaring at the soft chair.

"This one is too firm, not at all relaxing." He barked menacingly to the crowd following him.

In the elevator between floors he leaned on the wall, it was lightly padded, with a tufted, mottled gray fabric designed to hide stains. "Hey, this is pretty nice," He growled gently, leaned into the wall, and fell asleep.

His snoring echoed around the little car and I had to wait until we hit the 9th floor before I could call maintenance and have them remove the elevator wall and install it on a table in the laboratory 7. Where Jeff was laid low by a guerilla war for control of his left arm including the Deltoid and most of the Trapezius.

In a feat of maintenance heroics that hasn't been seen since the installation (and subsequent constant repair and parts replacement, of the soft serve ice cream machine in conference room C, and the addition of a concrete walkway to and from the machine*) they managed to get the wall to elevator down, and secured to a table top without waking Bob.

We waited for about an hour. Finally we decided to wake Bob, from a distance. We left a phone by the table went out to hallway and called him.

Bob leaped to his feet, threw the phone against the wall, and stumbled over the couch landing on his head. Cursing, he jumped to his feet, and glared around the room, holding his cane and looking for somebody to pummel.

Dr. Dawg walked in and said, "Oh hello, Bob. Are you ready to begin?" He was the master of cool.

Bob sat down, smiled at the doctor and said, "sure. What do I have to do?" Dawg could charm anyone. It is the source of many of our government contracts. The ol' Dawg magic.

"Just lay back and relax. We are going to place these little adhesive strips to your temples and right above your eyes. Then we are going to place these wires on the strips and hook them up to this computer."

"It will read the waves in your thoughts, and transfer them to a minute robot. Your experiences and personality will be copied on the circuits of our tiny friend, and he will become you, after a fashion. Then we will send him into Jeff to find and terminate the problem."

"Terminate the problem?" Bob asked.

"Terminate with extreme prejudice." Dr. Dawg said. His words sending a chill through the people who had started shuffle back in to the lab. They paused, looked at each other, and wondered what lay on the other side of the syringe.

*We had to hire a full time person just to keep the machine running. It was the most popular move the company ever made. But, when Diana from Records stabbed Brian from the service department over the last waffle cone we had to have it removed. Poor Johnathon still has scars from being dragged behind Diana's motorized wheel chair. Fortunately, for Brian, anyway, security stopped her before she could roll him down the fire escape.

Good news, and bad news, and some news that is neither.

Thanks to the genius of +Rahul Singh* we here have decided to document the birth, nurturing, and eventual superstar success of Life Explained. A biographical account of the meteoric rise of a man, who was reeling from the unfair excesses of the post tech boom recession, and his dog. Technically, not his dog, more like a dog and his human sidekick.

The world needs to know, and it might sell enough to pay for some beer and frozen burritos, and a microwave because nobody likes to eat a frozen burrito until it is not frozen. Take our word for that.

There is a lot of excitement about the project, everybody is choosing the actor to portray them in the eventual blockbuster movie. Bob, from accounting wants Robert Redford, or Billy Dee Williams, Bob, from Sales wants Brad Pitt, and Bob from Marketing wants Brad Pitt, and so does Bob from Building Services, and Bob from Transportation, and Brenda from Legal. Brad Pitt is going to be pretty busy. We are hoping he will have time to direct, as well.

If any of you know Mr. Pitt you might want to make sure he clears his schedule, and makes a little extra room in his bank account, he might be very wealthy after this.

We will miss you, Micro SD card.

There is some sadness as well. Today we say goodbye to the original Life Explained camera. It was a sturdy little trooper, and we did a lot of things and had a lot of fun together. But, friend of the blog, Brian loaned us the Micro SD card. Since he just got a new phone he wants it back. The bastard. What kind of man loans you something and then wants it back?

Of course, mostly we used our iPhone for pictures, and recently we got a new camera, so Life Explains carries on. And Micro SD cards aren't really that expensive, we might do a crowd funding drive to buy a new one, so keep your eyes, and wallets open. Especially you, Mr. Pitt. You have a lot to gain.

For today's video we will say hello to our new camera.

*We have to wonder how someone so young ever got so smart. We need to increase the budget for Life Explained India Office (LEIO). Maybe from nothing to something, we will talk about it at the next board meeting.

An Entry in the +Whacko Blogs make life exciting contest.

It was a slow day, quiet, almost too quiet. My partner and I were doing our rounds. In the air was a dread, a malingering, ominous sense of doom, oppressive, and tangible. Every corner held a nightmare of potential disaster. Every turn was empty, and silent as a tomb.

My partner and I didn't speak, the sounds would have seemed unnatural in the overwhelming feeling of ruin. Plus, my partner is a dog, so he can be hard to understand during the best of times. This was not the best of times. This almost felt like the end of times.

That is when the call came through. "hey, there, we need paper towels in the kitchen." It was like a bell tolling. It was like the sound of an approaching tornado. It was like the sound your light makes when it is distinguished for the last time, and you shed this mortal coil, and join the choir invisible.

I looked at my partner, who stopped scratching his ear, and looked back. "Cover me while I make a break for the janitor's closet."

He gave me the look that said, "I understand," and laid down to provide suppressive cover fire if things got ugly. And if you had ever been foolish enough to step into our janitor's closet you would know things were going to get hideous. I mean gawd awful, just disgusting, intensely distasteful.







Several years ago we lost our janitor to an accident. One of our deep space explorations came back after a long journey, almost 7 months. The passengers thought since they were astronauts, scientists, and engineers they didn't have to do dishes, or clean the bathroom. When we accidentally asked our janitor to go clean the capsule he quit, cursing all of us as he walked away. It was a tragic accident.

Anyway, since then we have not had anybody to clean anything, least of all the janitor's closet.

I managed to get, grab the roll of paper towels, and dart out without inhaling. We rushed the supplies up the 7th floor kitchen area, 62 steps in all. and narrowly averted a disaster of dripping hands, and spotted floors.

Unfortunately, I forgot to start breathing again, and had to be rushed to the hospital. I ran into our old janitor, he was an orderly now. He got married and had two children, and is working his way through school to become an accountant. It was nice to see him again. It is always nice to know people don't hate you anymore.

Life Explained the Daily Drama.

While cruising through the news feed this morning we, here at Life Explained, Division Ohio General, (Le Dog) found an article about an actor from the UK that gave up a part in a successful soap opera to pursue a career on the Big Screen.

We didn't read the article, (we are way too macho to care much about soap operas, and if we were going to care about soap operas they would be good, American soap operas, not that it matters, we just thought you should know) but the headline implied he landed a huge role in an upcoming movie, certain to be a blockbuster, and make millions for everyone involved. Good on him, we say.

It is always a good sign when someone can "transition" from one success to the next, without really doing anything. He was an actor, and he is still an actor, but now he is making Hollywood money. He is very excited about that.

He is probably not the first, and since it worked so well he definitely won't be the last. This is going to leave a giant vacuum in the soap opera universe. Advertisers, and fans will need some new daytime drama, something to fill the hours between the morning news about all of the bad things that happened overnight, and the evening news about all of the bad things that happened during the day.

We are going to start the new Life Explained: Days of Turmoil. A daytime drama featuring all of the characters you demand. Beautiful, fashionable people who have had the ability to smile ripped from them by the constant stream of unfortunate occurrences.

And now a word from our sponsor. Don't forget to floss, and brush, brought to you by the good people at Life Explained, Eplains Aging.

Tune in tomorrow when Doctor Dawg finds out he was adopted!

Driving Dr. Dawg, Part 1

It was cold and breezy and the rain was inconsistently uncomfortable. It was the new year, and it looked like hell. Everything looked grey, and bleak. The dark was grudgingly giving way to an angry, unfriendly dawn. And dawn was not happy to be there.

Dr. Dawg glared at me from the passenger seat. Blame and distaste described his gaze. It was more than a little uncomfortable. 

"Watch out, that guy is going to cut you off." He snapped from the passenger seat.

"I know what I'm doing." I said.

"Do you have to go so slow? Everybody is passing us." 

"I'm going seven miles an hour over the speed limit."

I think you mean "most of us back successfully."

It's too cold, it's too early, turn up the heat, the diatribe was endless. We had an early morning meeting at the airport with executives from $%&&!@@# (text redacted for national security) and early morning anythings were not good at Life Explained.

Dr. Dawg is never a good passenger, he is disgusted because they won't let him take the drivers test. Just because he's a dog. He calls it "the paranoid restrictions of an inferior race." Maybe, maybe not, but I hate driving him anywhere. He carps endlessly. I should make him take a taxi.

More Political News, Good News for a change.

It is Sunday, a day of rest, unless you are very busy, and I am. First I would like to announce the newest, greatest, most believable, (let's hope that doesn't sink him) candidate for the 2020 Presidential Election. +Christian Touchet has decided to take time our of his busy schedule to save the country from self immolation.

He is going to use "logic" something new and untried in Washington. It might be political suicide, but it might be salvation. It has to do with common sense, and a certain amount of balance. This is a radical departure from the norm. If nothing else it will be a nice change from the current system of everybody saying the same thing. Yes, they all use different words, but in the end they all have the same message, which is "vote for me, I am the least worst of all these guys, and I won't mess things up, too much."

There is no word, yet, on where you can donate to his Super PAC, but if you want to send your donations to the Life Explained Accounting Department we will make sure it gets to the right place.
Eventually.

In further Presidential News, +Mike Raven has thrown down the gauntlet yet again, (technically it wasn't so much a throwing down of a gauntlet, whatever that is, as much as a mutual agreement, if governments would blog the world would be a happier place) challenging me, and all of us at Life Explained to a trans Atlantic debate regarding the respective governments of Great Britain and the United States.

 And, he even insulted my dog (technically he isn't my dog, he belongs to the people for whom I work, my wife has gone so far as to suggest I am his human sidekick, and +Jeremy Crow actually claimed he was the real brains behind the whole operation), so this has become personal.

Two weeks from yesterday I will show the world why having a President, and Houses of Congress is the ultimate form of government, kind of. I am not sure I can pull this off, because honestly I don't think much of our government. But, when fact fails we always rely on fiction, and that has always worked for the politicians, right?

But we can't do it alone, everybody should post something praising their favorite, or ideal government. It is your duty. Yes, I said duty.

Please pay careful attention to the coming debate there will be a quiz, and it will featured prominently on the midterm... Oops, sorry about that the new school year always confuses us.

It was a new day yesterday

It was a point of contention yesterday.  There were many employees involved and it really got heated. At one point we had to mobilize our crack security squad. Sure it started easily enough, the Sunday crossword puzzle was laying on the table. There were three words completed.

Not just any words, either, the long words with the complex, riddle like clues. And not just completed, either, completed in pen. And not just completed in pen, completed in pen incorrectly.

So, the Sunday crossword, with the three long answers filled in in ink, and the words are wrong. And not just wrong, but dramatically, woefully, obviously wrong. These answers were not even close. It did not take long for that to get out of control.

The Sunday crossword puzzle is important to our team of scientists, researchers, and engineers. It is the one time they all work together, the one thing they really get excited about. And now they felt it had been defaced. Their weekend respite had been vandalized.

It was a long, nasty fight. One of the engineers actually pulled a laser gun and pointed it at one of the researchers. Or he thought he was pointing it at one of the researchers, but he really did not understand the weapon, at all.  It was actually pointed at water cooler, and it wasn't really a laser gun, it was matter diffuser, and rearrangement tool (we have big hopes for that, but it needs work).  So, until we can get a new cooler we will be getting our water from a gas powered microwave with an attachment for edging.

Mad Bob, the new guy

But, security arrived, with two dozen donuts, and a fresh Sunday paper, and normalcy was returned to our Sunday. Plus, they have some proof pointing to Mad Bob, the new guy in R and D as the culprit, it seems Dr. Dawg may have taken his lasagna, and eaten it. Hey, those things happen, right? We are all friends again.

Well, everything is back to normal. Monday is here, and we love Monday, a fresh start, a new beginning, a wonderful, new adventure.

I hope there are some donuts left. Man those things were great. Security knows the best snack food places in town.

Another day, another candidate

Ohio Governor John Kasich is kind of announced he is going to announce his candidacy for the Presidency on July 21st. No real surprise there, almost everybody in the country, except Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders, is campaigning for the Republican nomination. Mr. Kasich's announcement may come as a surprise to the rest of the country, but in Ohio everybody knows, the press is reporting on the coming event regularly.

Governor Kasich's intentions are probably widely known.  It seems the only thing elected officials can keep secret are the myriad additions to spending bills and budgets. Additionally, the man has been traveling to Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina. All of these are probably wonderful places to visit, but the coincidence is too enormous to overlook.

Which begs the question, why wait to make his announcement, is this an attempt to make a flashy entrance by being fashionably late? If everybody who pays attention already knows what advantage can be gained from waiting? Isn't he afraid all of the good sources of monetary contribution will be taken? 

Honestly, how much money can be left? Look at the fund raising figures for the real candidates, it is incredible. Running for president can be like a license to print money. Or more accurately, like a license to have other people print money and hand it over, in heaping piles. Most people can't even understand the wealth raised and spent during a presidential election cycle. I can't, anyway.

According to reports any candidate who wants to be taken seriously will need to raise over 100 million dollars. That is a lot of coin, friend. If I were walking down the street and found a $20.00 bill that would be a big thing, I would feel pretty lucky.  This is like they walked down the street and found a $20.00 bill 5 million times. How lucky is that? and this does not even include Super PACs, and all of the Inferior PACs, who have a little cash, too.

What do they do with all of that money? A lot of it is spent attempting to convince voters that a chosen candidate, no matter what anybody else has to say, is the least objectionable. "Make no mistake, you might be sorry if you vote for our guy, but not as sorry as you could be, if you catch our drift." 

In a way it is similar to the old "protection" scheme made popular by television depictions of organized crime. "Accidents happen, we just want to minimize your risk." Or maybe it is like insurance, I will think about it and let you know.

Anyway, John Kasich is no fool when it comes to politics, I'm afraid that job is left to the voters. He has a plan, and it involves money, huge piles of money. Most of it used to belong to someone else. But, when he announces, please act surprised, even Governors have feelings, you know.

vote for Dr. Dawg, what do you have to lose?

Dr. Dawg for President, Hey,you could do worse.

The power went out at work today, fortunately, not until after I had downloaded the free app of the day.  Halftones 2.  It is time to start campaigning.

Doctor Dawg, he won't make any big mistakes.

A business model that works.

Looking back it was probably a pretty silly idea.  Why would anybody want to take a self defense class taught by a dog?  But, it was worth a shot, so we started "Doctor Dogs Self Defense Initiative."

We didn't have much of an advertising budget but word of mouth is very powerful.  Not nearly enough, though.  We went three weeks and only had one student, an skinny, far sighted kid, with a flair for programming, who helped us set up our network, and accounting software, so we gave him free lessons.  That kid was sharp, our computers ran flawlessly.  Plus, he was killer at WOW, he saved our butts from demons and wizards more than once.

Rent was starting to take a bite out of the working capitol and we had to do something.  Then it hit us.  We could create the demand.  We would start making people feel threatened, afraid, we would make people think they had to take a self defense class.

After some careful consideration, meticulous planning, and painstaking research we were at a complete loss. Finally we asked the kid, who turned out to be a pretty smart hire, he worked cheap, which is good, since we were broke.

He (the kid (William)) suggested we start a crime wave, nothing big, just a few muggings, maybe a robbery, break into a business, after dropping a few business cards around the area.  

Genius!!!  Or it would have been if we had business cards, or the money to buy some.  Never let it be said that a small problem slows down the Doctor Dog team.  We printed some flyers and hung them around the neighborhood.  "Feeling threatened by the impending crime wave?  Come to Doctor Dog, where profit isn't the only priority."  We felt that was honest, but reassuring.  

We worked out the details to sell the school to a frightened populace.  

Doctor Dog would dress up like a burglar.  He would mug somebody, and I would rush out and save them, telling them I had been trained in self defense at Doctor Dogs Self Defense Emporium, and they should think about attending a few classes.  "Someday, you might be able to save some poor citizen," I would tell them.

That night we waited in the shadows.  An elderly lady walked up and Doctor Dog leaped into action.  Unfortunately, she was an undercover police woman.  Even less fortunate, my timing was a bit off, so I leaped from the shadow of the dumpster just as she was applying a crippling arm bar on Doctor Dog.  Without hesitating, she pulled a taser from her purse, and dropped me like a sack of soggy Tortilla Chips.  

We were taken to jail, and had to call William to come bail us out.  His parents were furious.  To placate them we promoted William to Manager, and changed the business to Computer Consulting, which was brilliant, the company is doing splendidly, and William is a great guy, and a fantastic boss.  Since Doctor Dog and I are not completely technically proficient we have been promoted to building maintenance.  

Pardon me while I check the hand soap and paper towels in the kitchen.

Presidential Campaign Preseason, Where Winners Are Made.

Today, in the Columbus Dispatch it was reported that Senator Rob Portman has announced that he would not run as a candidate for President.  He chose, instead, to seek reelection to the Senate.  According to the article Senator Portman claimed he was not interested in being Vice President either.  He feels, apparently, that he has a lot of work to do in the Senate.  Admirable, to be sure.  Senator Portman does seem to be a decent person, moderate, and reasonable, characteristics that are in short supply in the Capitol.

But, none of that matters, too much, because we, here at the Life Explained (#lifeexplained) Political Campaign Headquarters (#politicalcampaignheadquarters) are not at all interested in people who are not running for office, and people who are not even willing to campaign for Vice President are particularly uninteresting.  We want to know who is running.

Since Ohio is a battleground state (we like to think of ourselves as Kingmakers (#kingmakers)) we get to spend a lot of time being catered to, and wooed by candidates.  And, they spend a lot of time and money briefing us on the shortcomings of other candidates. Information desperately needed to choose the least awful candidate, the person least likely to completely ruin everything.  We really get to see the seamy, despicable side of candidates, thanks to other candidates.  We, here at the Life Explained (#lifeexplained) Presidential Campaign Headquarters, (#presidentialcampaignheadquarters) are very grateful.  Imagine the time Ohioans would have to waste looking up all of the terrible things about prospective presidents themselves, it would destroy the state economy.

Right now there are potential presidential candidates assembling armies on the frontiers of Ohio, massing volunteers, raising funds, building war chests, getting ready to invade the state.  All of them just waiting for the right   It is always a calculated risk to be the first one to announce.  Sure you get the best seats in Iowa caucuses, an important early feast for candidates, but you open yourself to numerous attacks from other presidential would be's.  All roads to Ottumwa start in Ohio.  And you know what state is between Iowa and New Hampshire, you guessed it, Ohio.

Obviously, there are a great many benefits to Presidential campaigns, here in Ohio.  Monetary rewards for sure, but more important, a sense of importance, and fulfillment.  Ohio is still recovering from the collapse of the steel industry, and was hit hard by the problems of the auto industry, and we can't forget the Drive in 1987, when John Elway cut the heart out of Ohio, or the Shot, in 1989, when Micheal Jordan stomped all over that heart.  Clearly, we need a little something to make us feel good.

There is no better cure for a poor self image than hearing about the awful shortcomings, and terrible habits of another.  If that person is a famous politician, with a ridiculous amount of money, powerful backers, a Super PAC, a tour bus, a manager, and possibly a political Juggernaut to call his own, then so much the better.

In the interest of our fine state, the slowly recovering economy, and the sluggish job outlook we, here at the Life Explained (#lifeexplained) State Recovery Ministry (#staterecoveryministry) would like to recommend a more robust Presidential Campaign Season, something along the lines of the NBA, or the NHL, or MLB, or for that matter the NFL, or thinking reasonably, it that is still a possibility, any professional sport.  One that seems to never end, with a championship leading right to preseason, right into the regular season.  It is growth industry, and the country needs some good news.

Another crisis, another quick response. You're welcome.

 
It was a beautiful evening, Dr. Dawg and I were sitting on the patio of an exclusive club, in a fashionable, trendy neighborhood, sipping smooth Kentucky bourbon, and expensive, imported beer. Life had rarely looked so promising. It was so wonderful we were both wearing sunglasses despite the gathering dusk.

"We should have some grilled shrimp with picante, and chili peppers." Dr. Dawg said, as a pretty girl walked by, smiled, and patted him on the head. I swear, the ladies love that Dawg. Looking around and trying to get the attention of our waitperson, I heard the unmistakable sound of Elvis singing "Hound Dog" echoing off the glass table top and the half full pint glasses. Showing that Dawg how to change his ring tone was a big mistake. Who knew there were so many songs about dogs? It will be awful when he discovers the Baha Men.

He answered it quickly, "Dr. Dawg, talk to me." He nodded his head several times, saying "I see," and "yes, yes." After several minutes he ended the call with, "don't worry, I will handle this."
Looking me in the eye, he drank down the last bit of his delicious, golden, European draft, rushed inside to the restroom, and reappeared as Candidate Dawg, jumping onto a table top, and began to speak in a clear, promising, compassionate voice.

Reenactment 

Just as quickly, he hurried off,  and came back, sunglasses, and flowered shirt, ready for a relaxing evening as a private citizen.  Campaign contributions deposited, email addresses secured, and another victory for democracy, free enterprise, and capitalism, all in all a pretty good evening, for our hero.

Not Every Idea is Great, But We Know How to Dine.

Life is a journey, starts here, ends there, and in between forward movement.  That is the biggest problem, only one direction, no options, no choices, no chance to correct mistakes.  Invariably, when traveling people, even the most thorough, and cautious, are going to get lost occasionally. Everybody needs to take a few steps backwards, and choose a different path once in awhile.  Life doesn't give you that chance, mistakes attach themselves, and stay to the end, a tattoo, a battle scar, screaming, "hey look, this guy had a lapse in judgement, go ahead and stare."

For a limited time we, here at Life Explained, are offering select people with the proper credentials (Visa, or Mastercard will work) a chance to go back in time and fix certain mistakes.  Using our soon to be patented, awe inspiring, Time Machine, we can help you go back and "erase" those annoying little errors that are like a blot on your life, "undo" those silly, youthful acts that make you wince while traveling down memory lane.

Do you wish you had never grown those sideburns?  Well, it is too late to do anything about that.  The pictures are all over and if you change something like that it will set off cataclysmic shock waves through time that will destroy the entire planet.

Regret that failed marriage?  You should have thought of that earlier, or listened to your friends.  Even they were smart enough to see how wrong you two were for each other.  How could you miss it?  Not that any of that matters, there is so much time, effort, so many paper products involved in a marriage that if anything like that were changed it would create a "discordance effect" that would destroy the whole galaxy.

Would you like to choose a different major in college?  Sorry, those things are so ingrained into the fabric of of time and space any attempt to alter them would create such a shock the universe would collapse in on itself, crushing everything.

Hate your job, too bad, car run out of gas, sorry about your luck, choose the wrong entree at lunch, well, that is just your problem.  After careful consideration, this is probably not the greatest idea we have ever had.  There are a lot of things that could go wrong, and not an awful lot to gain, that whole risk, return tradeoff blowing up in our face.

Hey, anybody want to grab some lunch, we heard they are opening a new restaurant in the Omega Centauri galaxy, and the happy hours in that part of the universe can't be beat, and Dr. Dawg is buying, unless you have an intergalactic Discover Card.

Everybody Needs a Vacation

We have been very busy here at Life Explaied.  Things are going extraordinarily well, here at Life Explained, we are days ahead of schedule on our time travel machine, thanks in large part to our time machine.

Our expedition to Mars is well under way, and the good news is we found Martians, the better news is they love the same foods as us.  Twinkies, HoHos, Fruit Pies, burgers, hot dogs, shakes, and iced caramel macchiatos.  We have started carrying extra provisions on every trip and are actually turning a nice little profit.  And here is the great news, since the profit is made on another planet it is not taxable income, probably, we think.

We have been burning the candle made with midnight oil at both ends, if you get our drift.  It was no surprise when Dr. Dawg decided to go on a short vacation.

Maybe he had a motive

Dr. Dawg for President.

It is almost time to choose, it is almost time to make a decision.  Who will be suited to carry us into the future, who will be the one to make a difference, who will we choose to lead the country?   

Oh, sure there are a lot of choices this early in the pre-season, virtually everybody who has ever run for office, is still alive, and hasn't been president yet is a potential candidate, has an exploratory committee, and is raising money.  Plus, there is always the threat of a wealthy, unelected, dark horse candidate, who doesn't mind the insurmountable odds, and rushes headlong into the fray, without a chance of winning. Though, if a person is looking for fifteen minutes of fame this is perfect, and if you can manage one misstep, gaffe, or indiscretion you could go down in history.  Please, stay tuned for this seasons model. 

However, for those who are tired of career politicians, and all of their experience, and knowledge about what makes the government work, for those who grow weary of Washington insiders, and all of their accomplishment, and connections, and credibility around the world, we offer you a fresh choice, a new solution to an old remedy of a non existent problem, we offer you Dr. Dawg for President. 

Not only does he not have any governmental experience, at any level, he has never even held a real job.  He is the ultimate political outsider, he has never even voted, and he knows nothing about almost everything political.  If you are tired of all of the coiffed, tailored clowns trying to give away the whole circus Dr. Dawg is your man, well not really your man, he is your candidate.   

Let's look at several questions from our panel of experts.  In the sake of honesty, we are not sure how many people a "panel" requires, so it might be a forum, or a group, if anybody knows the qualifications, please post a message with the details. 

Q:  "Do you have a plan to balance the budget, without raising taxes?" 

A:  "Yes, I do have a plan to balance the budget, and unlike my opponents, the fools, buffoons, and clowns, I am not going to slash spending, and unlike the idiots who are stupid enough to oppose me in this election I am willing to share the details of my plan.  Phase one of my plan is to use the police department as a taxi service.  They spend most of their time driving around anyway, right?  Why not have them pick up fares, and bring in some much needed "revenue enhancement."  Here is the beauty of the plan, if you are running late, and need to pick up the pace just tell the officer, and for an additional fee he will flip on the lights and sirens, and get you there in a hurry.  And, if you are lucky enough to be in the car during a high speed chase, ending in a shootout, and have the necessary funding available we will let you squeeze off a few rounds.  The ultimate thrill ride.  We are going to open Fire House Pizza, and Chili Burgers, in real fire houses.  Delivery in thirty minutes or less, or your next ride to the emergency room is free!  That alone should provide a budget surplus like this country has never seen.  If not, we are noodling with some plans involving Armed Services Demolition Co., but these are still on the drawing board." 

Q:  "Where do you stand on immigration?" 

A  (sort of): "I have a very strong stand on immigration." 

Q:  "What is it?" 

A (more of a Q, really):  "What is what?" 

Q:  "What is your stand on immigration?" 

A (not really, but we pay by the letter)  "That is all the time we have for today, I am going to work on some very important policies, and procedures, and reforms, and maybe a quick nap.  Thank you all for coming." 

Dr. Dawg Is Running For President.

Climate Change and our Fine Furry Friends

Help Wanted.

We, here at Life Explained, are hiring a tertiary dog.  Yesterday our Fail Safe Redundant Dog retired, and moved to Washington.  She plans on opening a small bakery, specializing in animal crackers, and dog biscuits.  Bella performed the role of Fail Safe Dog admirably for her entire career, keeping us safe from our coworkers, tradesmen, delivery people, and anybody who happened to walk across our parking lot as she climbed out of the car.

So Long, Bella, it was nice
to work with you,

There was always a feeling of safety, and security when you heard Bella barking at one of the office workers on their way to get a cup of coffee.  You could almost hear "if you take the last cup and are too lazy to make another pot at least shut the darned thing off so it doesn't burn and stink up the whole stupid office, why I ought to," in her eloquent, refined yapping.

It will be hard to replace Bella, she was perfectly suited for the position, and performed at a remarkable level.  Her grace, charm, and wit will be sorely missed.

But, if you think you have what it takes to be the Redundant, Tertiary Dog, here at Life Explained, please send your resume to tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com.  Your main responsibilities will be; Barking randomly at people you know, getting scratched behind the ears, leaving about a half a dogs worth of hair everywhere you go, snacking and napping.  Pays based on experience, two weeks vacation, medical, dental, and time travel insurance included.

An equal opportunity employer.

A new honor, a very honorable honor.

This morning I was watching CBS Sunday Morning, it is a great show, not too heavy, some news, some entertainment, some commentary, a good way to start Sunday.  Following Sunday Morning is Face The Nation, a very topical show, dealing with politics, politicians and very important things.  Normally, I only watch this show during presidential campaigns, because it can make presidential politics extremely entertaining.  But, it is not really the show we want to discuss.

There was a commercial for Face The Nation, advertising it as the "#1 Sunday Public Affairs Show." Probably a well deserved honor, it is the only Sunday Public Affairs show I remember watching.  But, it is kind of a narrow definition.  However, you can't blame them, an award is an award.

With that in mind, though it humbles us, we here at Life Explained, are humbly honored to accept this fantastic honor.

We are not worthy, well maybe a little.