Life After Death, or at Least After the Alarm.

In today's episode of Life, Is It Worth It?, we are going to discuss working for a living.  While it may not seem fashionable, and there are times it is inconvenient, having a job can be a great resource.  Of course, there are the obvious benefits of income, insurance, and a retirement plan, but it need not end there.

Depending on where you are employed there are liable to be a diverse group of people with a wide variety of opinions and beliefs.  It could be a great, seething, bubbling stew of ideas, and religions, and tastes. A wonderfully combustible mixture of backgrounds, hopes, dreams, and aspirations. What a place to learn, experience, and expand your horizons.

 Don't worry, though, those things are easily avoided, and it will be simple enough to find a few people who are noteworthy because of their striking similarity to you, and hang out with them.  If they aren't at work, they are on Facebook, or some other "social media." All of which are more enjoyable at work, while getting paid. It is like being a "professional social media mogul".

Working for a living also provides much of the grist for the mill of the economic engine that drives the elevator of upward mobility. In other words people are less likely to express their distaste for you quite so openly if you have a job. They may think you are a putz, but knowing you bring home a paycheck, and they may need to borrow a little something someday makes them reluctant to really trash you in public. Of course, if they ask you and you turn them down all bets are off.

Having a job does require a certain level of commitment, though. And an alarm clock* which can be a real problem. So before rushing out and taking that "dream job" working for that "great company" doing all of the "wonderful, fulfilling things" remember to take a minute, and stick your finger in your eye, it is the same sensation as being jolted awake from a pleasant, peaceful slumber to drag your sorry carcass out of bed and off to do some dungeon master's bidding.

But, if your'e still interested don't forget the Life Explained Employment Agency (motto, "can you afford to feed your family and pay to have our basement remodeled on that salary?") we are always here to help.

*Developed by Satan's Division of Automated Hell.

A unique opportunity, for a unique person.

OK, it is a pretty big deal to eat lettuce grown in space.  No space trip would be complete without a little extraterrestrial produce. Lettuce is a good start, you know the old hauntingly appropriate, yet oddly specific, saying "you can't make a space salad without growing some lettuce." Truly, our ability to travel to other worlds, visit other planets, and force our views, and systems of beliefs on the poor, hapless inhabitants, who need us to come save them from themselves, depends on food.

But, it is probably going to require a little more substantial than some greens, or in this case "outrageous reds" if we are going to be able to really "help" these poor innocent beings see the light. Or even worse, suppose we get there and there is nobody, and we have to do all of the work ourselves. We are going to need some real food.

Where most people see a problem we, here at Life Explained, see an opportunity. A chance to serve our fellow man, to serve him cheeseburgers, fries and a shake. We are opening a string of intergalactic restaurants for the deep space astronauts sent to "explore" the various worlds. Plus, we will have some wonderful tshirts, baseball hats, and refrigerator magnets. "I went to the outer reaches of the galaxy and all I got was this lousy tshirt, and the best burger of my life, at Bob's House o' Space Burgers."

Of course we will need to get the beef to these locations. We will need some self assured soul who can move some goods to various locations around the galaxy.

Since the times are liable to be considerable, and even space travelers deserve fresh food it would probably be wise to transport the protein substance in an upright position (i.e. standing) until approach. Of course, to keep the feelings of guilt and crushing remorse to a minimum it is best not to name the freight. But, that is your choice.

So, if you are looking for a good job, are a self starter who doesn't mind terrible introspective periods of solitude, and the loneliness and despair that only a solitary trip through deep space can provide, do we have an opening for you.

And don't forget our Interplanetary Food Service Job Fair tomorrow at the Lancaster County Fairgrounds. We will have coffee, donuts, and after you fill out the application you can keep the pen.*


*Offer available to the first 15 applicants only.

Last Night, the Application Process Begins.

Since it is almost the weekend, and there are so many things going on we will make this brief. Today is not the time to find fault with the 10 candidates who were driven like cattle into Cleveland, and forced to confront their most profound insecurities last night.

Who among us has not been looking for a job in a cutthroat world of potential employees? We should take pity on these poor, lost souls who want nothing more than to earn a living an provide for their family. 

In many ways it saddens us, here at Life Explained, that with the popularity of "American Idol," "America's Got Talent," and others, that finding a decent job has turned into such a gladiatorial contest. Each potential associate having to defend a record of employment, and service, in front of a panel of indifferent, callous human resource personnel.

Imagine trying to land a job as a grocery bagger with the other applicants making snide comments about your oafish appearance, and the likelihood of you klutzing a whole container of cottage cheese onto the floor, watching it burst open, and make an awful mess, right in the middle of the rush for Thanksgiving. That would be awful. Who among us could handle that kind of pressure?

Oh, well that makes more sense. We really liked that guy with the hair, he could bag our groceries any time.

The Search Continues. Now Hiring part Deux.

We posted an ad for a new CEO last week, and the response has been overwhelming.  People are lining up outside the office now, looking for an edge.  Some carrying signs, "hire me, I am perfekt for the job," or "hire me, I have a degree in 'top secret organization management,'" or "hire me, I need a job, and I know where you live."  Clearly, there are many strong candidates for the position.  But, we have also been inundated with internal candidates as well.  It seems everybody wants a chance to choose what to have for lunch.

Feeling it would be a mistake to overlook a choice that was already sucking up some of the payroll we started evaluating the prospects within.

We have always been an egalitarian group, and that isn't going to change.  Everybody contributes to the success of our organization, and everybody has a stake in our continued growth, and everybody should get a say in a matter this important.  So, we took all of the names of the people who expressed an interest in being the big kahuna, the wheel, the suit that runs the store, if you will, (oddly enough it was everybody in the whole company) and voted.

It was a close race, but in the end, it was a tie, everybody had one vote.  At first we thought Dr, Dawg won, he had two votes.  A recount revealed he had voted twice, though.

It didn't take long for that little trick to catch on and people were rushing to pens, paper and ballot box. The sound of pens, scribbling furiously, was almost unbearable, and the boxes were bulging, overflowing with scraps of paper, index cards, napkins, anything that a name could be written on.

We decided the best way to handle the promotion was an essay contest.  "How I would handle authority, and the responsibility of being in control."  Everybody turned in copies of the US Constitution, the Emancipation Proclamation, the Magna Carta.  Good examples of the use of power.  It was too hard to choose, we should have said it had to be original.

We thought about an arm wrestling contest, but Bob from the Department of Weight Lifting was too big.  Which is kind of surprising, most of did not even know we had a Weight Lifting Department.  A good executive would know these things, another reason to continue the search.

One idea that seemed plausible, taking turns, everybody would get to run the company for one day.  We setup a rotation.  Every day the CEO would be from a different department.  We felt this was the fairest method, plus it would provide a fresh perspective daily.








On the first day, Bob, from Customer service sent the following email.  

When he was informed that was probably beyond the scope of his authority, he tried to fire everyone in the company, screaming, "you will feel the wrath of Bob, the Invincible."  It took the entire secretarial pool, and the guy delivering the donuts, and cookies to subdue him.  Fortunately, none of the donuts, or cookies were damaged.

We are still looking for a CEO, and will continue our search.  If you know anybody competent, have them contact us at TweettweetJohn@yahoo.com, or leave a comment with their qualifications, educations, and list of medications below.

Thank you,

Wanted, Person to Run Top Secret Organization.

Today, we here at Life Explained (#lifeexplained) are working on an organizational chart.  It is not an idle exercise.  Last week we were planning to get lunch, a little reward for a year of hard work, well not the whole year, goals reached, sometimes, accomplishments, in a way, and teamwork, occasionally.  The planning seemed simple.  All we needed to do was pick a day, a time, and a meal.

We met in Kitchen / Break Room, on the 6th floor.  That is where the party was going to be.  It made sense to have the meeting there.  We could experience the aura, ambiance, and the party details would flow from the feeling of the room.  That was the plan, anyway.

We started with a little small talk, some polite conversation.  Shortly, we commenced business.

"We should have Pizza."  Bob, from Research and Development said.  "Giuseppi's is great, close, and they deliver."

"No," Bob from Building Services, said, with emphasis.  "We have pizza all the time, my department is sick of pizza.  We should have Indian Food, it carries a wide variety flavors, and textures, it is a rainbow of options, and tastes.  We never have Indian food.  There is a great little place not too far from here.  I will pick it up myself."

Bob, from Accounting would have none of that.  "Indian food for that many people would be ridiculously expensive.  We might as well just feed everybody money."  He was angry, and it showed.  He was shaking, and his voice trembled.  "We should have a pot luck buffet, everybody can bring in their favorite dish and some paper plates, and plastic cutlery, and maybe a roll of paper towels to use as napkins.  It will be so fun, and interesting, a look into the lives of all of our associates."

"Yeah, that is a great reward for a wonderful year of sacrifice, hard work, and dedication, fix a meal for your coworkers, some of whom have been goofing off most of the year, and will probably bring something awful for lunch.  No thanks."  Bob, from Marketing, said.

Bob, the accountant threw a solar powered calculator across the table.  It bounced off of Bob the marketeers head.  He jumped up, pulled a stapler out of his briefcase, and tried to smash it into Bob, the accountants hand.  He missed, and staple stuck in Bob from R & D's sleeve.  He swung his fist, missed, and knocked a cup of ice water into the lap of Bob, I don't remember which Bob, sorry.

Things got a little out of hand, and the fight spilled over into the hallway, Bobs were wrestling, fighting, rolling down the aisles between the cubicles.  Curses, and cries of agony were echoing off of the walls.  Chairs, desks and tables were overturned, and people were starting to swing  table legs, notebooks, and computer keyboards.

Fortunately, everybody has been working so hard all year that they have not been making time to go the gym.  It did not take long for the combatants to end up laying is sweaty, panting, useless piles all over the 6th floor, and the worst injury was to Bob's hand.  He fell asleep laying on his arm, and strained his thumb.

We decided the best way to say thanks was donuts, coffee, and some money, everybody was very grateful, except for the people on the 6th floor, who are waiting on new desks, chairs, tables, and keyboards.

We decided that having one person in charge was probably a good idea.  Someone who would make the tough decisions, like what to have for lunch.   So, we developed this chart, now we need to decide who to plug into all of the slots.  If you have what it takes to run a world class, top secret, research facility, with ties to governments, and corporations around the world, and solar system, and beyond, please apply in the comments, and we will schedule an interview, unless we decide to hire a friend.

Help Wanted.

We, here at Life Explained, are hiring a tertiary dog.  Yesterday our Fail Safe Redundant Dog retired, and moved to Washington.  She plans on opening a small bakery, specializing in animal crackers, and dog biscuits.  Bella performed the role of Fail Safe Dog admirably for her entire career, keeping us safe from our coworkers, tradesmen, delivery people, and anybody who happened to walk across our parking lot as she climbed out of the car.

So Long, Bella, it was nice
to work with you,

There was always a feeling of safety, and security when you heard Bella barking at one of the office workers on their way to get a cup of coffee.  You could almost hear "if you take the last cup and are too lazy to make another pot at least shut the darned thing off so it doesn't burn and stink up the whole stupid office, why I ought to," in her eloquent, refined yapping.

It will be hard to replace Bella, she was perfectly suited for the position, and performed at a remarkable level.  Her grace, charm, and wit will be sorely missed.

But, if you think you have what it takes to be the Redundant, Tertiary Dog, here at Life Explained, please send your resume to tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com.  Your main responsibilities will be; Barking randomly at people you know, getting scratched behind the ears, leaving about a half a dogs worth of hair everywhere you go, snacking and napping.  Pays based on experience, two weeks vacation, medical, dental, and time travel insurance included.

An equal opportunity employer.