Monday, How I've Missed You.

Monday, my old friend. I am so glad to see you, at least this time of year. Weekends are filled with torment, and the grief of yard work. Buried under flowers that need planted, lawn treatments that need spread. Grass seed, grass clippings, grass everywhere.

Yesterday my wife and I went to the local warehouse style hardware store. A huge building, filled with impossible to find home improvement products. They are impossible to find because the building is huge, and the employees would rather not help you. They would rather not talk to you. If cornered, though, they will give up a quick "try aisle 27," pointing off toward the vanishing point at the end of the center walkway, and marching away quickly, their back firmly turned toward your expression of loss and confusion.

In front of this huge building is an enormous parking lot. So big it should have it's own zip code. This time of year almost half of it is consumed by pallets of mulch. Shredded, dyed wood, bagged, put on pallets, shrink wrapped and carted off to cover the parking lot of the store in my neighborhood.

Inside the store was madness. People lusting after lawn mowers, gluttonous for gas grills, greedy for the intoxicating power of electric trimmers, it was the seven deadly sins played out in front of me. It was Sodom and Gomorrah with pruning shears. I was almost ashamed.

Walking slowly by the shelf next to the garden center I was amazed at the variety of things that occupied a lawn and needed to be killed. Pests ranging from army worms to white slugs. Weeds from crabgrass, to yarrow. All ready to do battle. My lawn did not stand a chance, but here on this sturdy shelf were enough boxes of powder, sufficient jars of liquid, and delivery systems sprayers, battery powered spreaders, to destroy them all. "I am become death." Certainly no mortal should have at his disposal so much destructive force. The air grew cold, and the lights dimmed.

But, only a few, insignificant steps away were the magic, life giving elixirs. Covered with shiny
pictures of healthy flowers, tomatoes too beautiful to eat, a smiling, happy gardener digging and glowing and beaming with pride.

A store employee, whose worn, stained and tattered apron clearly indicated he had been dispensing sage lawn care advice for several years, was explaining the benefits of a small bottle of liquid that killed weeds, and did not harm flowers to a middle aged woman. Her t-shirt read "I am a bad influence." Oddly enough, the white shirt was almost spotless, and I had to wonder how anybody who keep a white cotton shirt so clean could ever steer anybody down the wrong path.

"First time they have ever combined the two in one bottle. Been selling them separately for seven years, and now they are both in one bottle. It is a real bargain, weeds and feeds, all at the same time." He said, clearly impressed by this.

She began to cross examine him about the effects on the vegetables she planned to plant in close proximity. He faltered, buckling under this unexpected turn. He stuttered, looked at the shelf, and then his watch. Clearly trying to by time, eventually he had to turn the bottle over, and before he could answer my wife summoned me with her "come on, would you?" expression.

I tried to signal, using hand motions, that things were heating up, in fact the woman who was proud to be a bad influence may have moved onto her end game. Her opponent was squirming uncomfortably under her assault. But that is a hard message to convey when your angel is waving her hand. Even when I explained it to her she didn't seem all that interested. Maybe I didn't tell it right.

We got home with bags of dirt, bags of seed, buckets of powder, and other things I am not sure about. It was too late to start the season long battle for the reclamation of our lawn. But, this morning I looked at it all piled up, ready to be used, and I said, Thank you, Monday.

A New Day, A New Adventure, Right?

Today, when I left home, my wife told me to try to lighten up a little. Things have been kind of dark lately. She is, often, the best gauge of my mental condition. Driving to work I thought about what she said, and knew she was right. Life has been too morbid lately. Headlines have consumed substance, reality has been replaced by superficial concerns, and it has really put a zap on my spirit. With that in mind I was going to write a list of my five favorite apps.

After a lot of thought it was impossible to narrow it down to five. I do love apps, little bitty gifts from the gods of technology. And you know something, I can never scroll past a post or article about apps. If it has the headline "15 great free apps," or anything similar I am hooked. Normally I end up getting one or two of them, and they aren't always so great. But, If you want to know which app is best for any particular task just send me a question at TweetTweetJohn@yahoo.com and I will be glad to give you my opinion, even if I have to make it up.*

I decided to go with sports., Unfortunately, right now the whole world is obsessed with Super Bowl commercials, and long ago I made the decision to boycott the commercials. It might give me something to discuss with my coworkers. Monday, I was at the dentist getting some small procedure done, really small, it didn't even require Novocaine, and in the middle there was a feature on the national morning news show previewing the super bowl commercials. My dentist, and his assistant had to stop, despite having all four hands and several sharp, sadistic, pointed things in my mouth, and watch, in rapt attention. It has become obscenely spiritual for the world. Despite all of our differences everyone can agree the Doritos commercial was fantastic. I don't even care who wins the football game, though oddly enough I do care who loses. Sports was out.

And it is too early for the Life Explained Lawn Care and Gardening Extravaganza, and too late for the 100 Best Christmas Gifts to Give to a Life Explained Staff Writer. But, Valentines Day is coming, and by an odd coincidence, I have actually been to Valentine, NE. So I decided to go with that.

Last time we were in South Dakota, and we had to go to Nebraska I told my wife, "don't worry, I
know how to get to there," Unfortunately, I did, but not the way we were supposed to go. We ended up 75 miles, or about 75 miles east, of Valentine, in Ainsworth, Of course, from what little I could tell, there is not a lot of difference between Ainsworth and Valentine (they are both lovely, little Nebraska towns) except for geographical placement. And the only real tragedy was we were heading for Valentine, and points south. So, my wife sighed, turned west and rolled her eyes up in her head so far it looked painful, and asked what we should do for lunch. She has become accustomed to my navigational adventures.

To my wife; Happy Valentines Day! Where do you want to go for dinner, I will get directions.



* Not really, I will probably at least look into it, and read something about great apps for whatever you asked about, before I make something up.

Spring, another season, another hassle.

Spring, a new beginning, the birth of summer, the end of winter.  A time for celebratory, feckless exuberance, when we finally get to put away the snow shovels, gloves, stocking hats, boots, and coats.  Time to air out the shorts, and sandals, and visors.  As you leave work today look to the north and tell the Polar Vortex, "hey, you aren't so tough."  But, then jump in your car quickly, before it can grab you, and rip your heart out with frosty, ice covered, malevolent fingers.  Hey, it is still the Polar Vortex, after all.  

But, when you get home, don't forget to remove your lawn mower blade, so you can take it in and have it sharpened, now is the time for that sort of routine maintenance.  Also, you will need to unroll the garden hose, make sure it is leak free, because this weekend you will need to wash out the drop spreader and make sure it is in good working condition.  A decent lawn regimen requires about 60 treatments to be effective.

Oh, and don't forget the rake, you will need to get all of the thatch out of your yard if you want grass to be able to grow.  And, there is plenty of assorted, rotting flotsam in the flower beds, that will need to be raked, bagged, and put in the yard waste.  Also, make sure you clean the shovels, there will be plenty of digging once your wife decides where she wants the garden. Yeah, right, garden my aching butt, it is more like the Ponderosa, next thing you know she will want to get some chickens...  Hey, don't say that so loud, she might hear you.

You might want to drag out the ladder, the gutters won't clean themselves.  While you are in there grab the patio furniture, of course it will need to be cleaned.  Keep an eye open for spiders, though, I read on the internet that they are everywhere, literally everywhere.  Brother, I could tell you stories about spiders, but I am saving those for future blog posts.

And with spring, and summer coming the spiders are going to be multiplying like crazy.  Not to mention wasps, bees, snakes, bats, and those annoying little flies that are always diving into your beer just to die, man those things are awful.  

You know, winter was terrible, but summer ain't sounding so hot either.  We should really come up with a new way to divide the year, something comfortable, and bug free.