This is the February of our discontent

Monday, and the wolves are closing in. And if you think it is bad where you are remember those poor bastards in Iowa. With a candidate for almost every registered voter, the pressure in overwhelming.

There are stories of voters being trapped in the restroom, unable to use the facilities because of the camera crews following the candidate who is busy explaining his views on aid to corn growers.

One person had to be rushed to the hospital with severe dehydration. She had been surrounded by candidates wanting to "earn her vote." She was trapped for 7 days, as the would be presidents promised to keep her safe. "It was like being trapped in a burning cliche factory, all of this hot air swirling, spinning, cyclonic, carrying cloyingly noxious fumes of sickening tripe." She is in protective custody.

Giant buses are crossing the state, pulling into small, scenic towns, jumping out in the town squares, making outlandish promises, and slinging terrible insults. Residents are afraid to come out of their houses.

There is talk of declaring a disaster. The Iowa National Guard is being mobilized. But the enemy is elusive, moving fast, stopping only long enough to snap a few photos, and speak incoherently about values, and trust.

We ask that you keep Iowa in your thoughts today. Maybe they can pick off a few before the battle moves to your state.