No matter who's the winner we all pay the cost.

John Boehner called Ted Cruz "Lucifer in the flesh.  "I get along with almost everyone, but I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life." Boehner said of the presidential hopeful. Lindsay Graham said of Senator Cruz, “If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you.”

Donald Trump has brought in Bobby Knight to explain how acting presidential is indefinable and explain how his Army team kicked hell out of Navy for eight straight years.

Carly Fiorina and her brand of fiery campaign assault have returned to grace our televisions. She even sang a little tune, and seemed to carry it very well, considering she can come across as such an angry unrestrained tyrant at times.

Hillary and Bernie are locked in a pitched battle over speeches and tax returns. Both candidates pretending they are not wealthy beyond the imagination of most Americans. Somehow, they hope, this will make them seem more sympathetic to the plight of a middle class slowly being crushed under the weight of the American Dream.

Honestly, you would think this kind of presidential combat would delight and thrill me. It doesn’t. The waste of time, the fantastic expense, the irreversible damage to our culture, and society are starting to demand their fee.

And, if you think that isn’t funny, here is something that isn’t even funnier. This is just American Politics of the New Millennium, the Introduction. It is going to get worse. Once the primaries are over and we have the actual candidates tearing each other to pieces over who is less likely to destroy the country then we will see the new reality.

Then we will see American Politics at its basest and most repulsive. And it is only the beginning. The Houses of Congress have not forgotten the valuable lessons learned in the government shutdown and the sequestration. It is frightening to imagine the bargaining tactics they are devising for the next president. Fortunately, the wait is almost over.

And they wonder why it is so hard to get people to vote. It seems obvious.

“Well, the emptiness is endless, cold as the clay,

You can always come back but you can’t come back all the way.”*

*Bob Dylan. Mississippi.

And now a big announcement.

We have been under a lot of pressure, here at Life Explained, Official Political Investigative Office Division (LE-OPIOD) to endorse a candidate in the Presidential race. However, it has been much more like a Presidential rat race. Or it would be if the candidates weren't acting like such complete jerks. Over the years we've actually been able to learn a few things from rats in laboratories. Try getting these presidential hopefuls to run through a maze for a small piece of cheese. Not on your life.

If you take away the plagues, rabies and certain viral infections rats have actually been useful at times. Giant rats are being used to diagnose tuberculosis in Mozambique. And in Cambodia rats are being trained to find the modern military equivalent of a plague, landmines. We have yet to see any of these candidates do anything so useful.

None of this would even remotely suggest that we are endorsing a rodent for President. That would be absurd. They could never carry the crucial farm vote.

So, we have decided to change our position, it is not like a Presidential Rat Race. It is more like a Presidential Roller Derby. Or it would be if there seemed to be any point in the endless attacks, name calling and endless whining sounds.

In roller derby, they have a group of people working together to perform... We are not sure how points are scored in roller derby. But, we are sure they have at least a couple of people trying to accomplish a shared goal, using a more or less coordinated strategy of violence and intimidation.


We are not suggesting that a roller derby participant run for office. We assume they are too refined for that kind of ridiculous drama. And if we were going to endorse an entertainment figure it would have to be Bob Dylan, because he is Bob Dylan, after all.

We are hoping a candidate will rise above the fray, and win our votes the old fashioned way, whatever that was. If not, we will announce our endorsement on November 5th, everybody loves a winner after all. And we might be able to wrangle a cabinet level position from our backing.

Campaign Coverage from Life Explained

Super Tuesday Part Deux, or Dos, or Two, or B, (whichever you prefer, any of them is fine with us) has pretty much wrapped up. Except for Missouri which may take until Friday. Some people will do anything for attention. Show Me, yeah right, show us the winner.

As far as election years go this has been the most entertaining. Most of the candidates have kept it blissfully detail free. Even for presidential politics, these hopefuls have been several standard deviations above the mean. 

We can probably thank Donald Trump for part of that. It would be very difficult to flesh out the meat of positions that change so often. He is a master at saying what people want to hear, no matter what. His stump speeches are a masterpiece of pandering, and manipulation. People seem to embrace his outsider status, even though he may actually be the next evolution of politician. 

Lindsay Graham said "If you murdered Ted Cruz on the floor of the senate and the trial was in the senate nobody would convict you." One unnamed Republican was quoted as saying that Cruz seems to be "covered in a thick layer of people repellent." It is difficult to be much more of an outsider than that. Somehow he is outside his peers, his coworkers and seems to be shooting for outside of humanity.

John Kasich won Ohio, and nowhere else. He lost every other state yesterday, and every other day since the campaign started. And he promptly accepted the nomination. Not really, but he vowed to keep going. In 2008 many people felt Kasich was campaigning for Vice President. Maybe he never stopped.

In Michigan voters who value honesty gave Bernie Sanders an 80 to 19 advantage. And that seems to be the norm. But, Clinton is kicking his socialist Utopian bottom all over the country. Politicians have a reputation for dishonesty, but her reputation is extreme even by modern standards. She may be another progression in modern political design.

This is the political landscape, and these are our choices. So go, cast your vote, and wallow in a sense of sense worth. But, take heart, we are not alone. Remember the words of the greatest Ohioan of all time, Ambrose Bierce.

IDIOT, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions of opinion and taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line.

Stupendous, Fantastic Tuesday.

Today is Super Tuesday the 2nd. If something works in America we need to have a sequel, we can't help ourselves. In a way it is surprising that they haven't come up with some a little catchier than Super Tuesday, something along the lines of "Terrific Tuesday, Day of Decision." We love our grandiose titles. But, Super Tuesday in Ohio, and the local press could not be more excited.

And the local stations have a good reason to be excited, too. For one thing political advertisements sell themselves. They could fire the staff that sells commercial air time and still be rolling in the promotional dough. But, after today things will move west, north, a little, east, and south and then people will need to be convinced television commercials are an effective waste of money.

But, for now, things are good, the air ways are filled with candidates and their henchmen comparing and contrasting themselves and their rivals. "I am like a golden swan, bringing peace and joy, wealth, and, happiness. My opponent is the epitome of evil, with a black heart and the soul of a demon. Who might make a wonderful vice president, by the way."

I am reminded of a Peanuts comic strip. It was from the Sunday paper so there were 6 cells and in the first five Lucy is lecturing Snoopy (who is laying peacefully on the top of his dog house) about the intelligence of pigs. Telling Snoopy how much smarter pigs are than dogs. In the last frame Snoopy thinks "If they are so smart why are they pigs?"

Politics present that same riddle. If they are so wholesome, caring, wonderful, compassionate and thoughtful why are they politicians?

Of course that is a terrible way to see things, I realize, but the more I watch, the more it seems obvious none of these people have earned my vote.

Super Tuesday how we will miss you. Too bad you only come once every four years.

Vote For Bob.

Primaries, Primaries, and not a drop to drink.

Today is the nations first primary. Held every four years in New Hampshire, this small state is buried under empty promises, and political ads. If the politicians really wanted to help maybe they would shovel some snow.

I am not politically active, an occasional vote is the best I can do. Even that causes discomfort, and feelings of remorse, and waste. Standing in line, picking the person who seems least objectionable, least likely to make a complete mess of things. Only to be disappointed in such humble expectations, somehow that doesn't make sense.

 I love politics, it is a primitive battle between tribe members attempting to attain the envied "alpha" status. There is something noble about combatants facing the gauntlet of abuse, innuendo and insults, standing against the onslaught of hate, vying for dominance. Noble, but kind of dumb.

For one thing there is very little a president can actually do. Congress, the courts, the press, and public opinion stand ready to interfere, criticize, and confound. Even party members will want to manipulate everything to benefit their state, or district.

Every time a president turns around there will be another elected official with a hand extended. "Want to cut defense spending? Fantastic idea, I can't wait to vote for that budget. You know the best way to reduce defense spending is to buy new tanks from Tank Manufacturers, in the great state of (fill in any state here)."

Of all the abhorrent things empty promises are the worst. I would stand in line, in a freezing rain, in my gym shorts, and a t shirt, to vote for a person who would say "Things are tough, and they are not going to get a lot better. Special interests control everything in our country, and there is not much anybody can do about it. But, I will try to keep things from getting worse."

In the end flowery promises of heaven are nice to hear, and they make wonderful stories on television and in the paper. But, if somebody can save us from hell (and that may not be possible anymore) I would be happy.

This is the February of our discontent

Monday, and the wolves are closing in. And if you think it is bad where you are remember those poor bastards in Iowa. With a candidate for almost every registered voter, the pressure in overwhelming.

There are stories of voters being trapped in the restroom, unable to use the facilities because of the camera crews following the candidate who is busy explaining his views on aid to corn growers.

One person had to be rushed to the hospital with severe dehydration. She had been surrounded by candidates wanting to "earn her vote." She was trapped for 7 days, as the would be presidents promised to keep her safe. "It was like being trapped in a burning cliche factory, all of this hot air swirling, spinning, cyclonic, carrying cloyingly noxious fumes of sickening tripe." She is in protective custody.

Giant buses are crossing the state, pulling into small, scenic towns, jumping out in the town squares, making outlandish promises, and slinging terrible insults. Residents are afraid to come out of their houses.

There is talk of declaring a disaster. The Iowa National Guard is being mobilized. But the enemy is elusive, moving fast, stopping only long enough to snap a few photos, and speak incoherently about values, and trust.

We ask that you keep Iowa in your thoughts today. Maybe they can pick off a few before the battle moves to your state.

Announcing his candidacy, Dr. Dawg.

We are on the eve of the Presidential Primaries.  Donald Trump is the latest to join the fray. With a big, splashy announcement, using Neil Young music, the theme from the Phantom of the Opera, and an escalator, he jumped into the middle of the fight in a way only a seasoned reality television "actor" can.  Who will be next, and how will they top that, the anticipation is almost lethal.

We, here at Life Explained, would like to see more people follow Mr. Trump's lead.  It seems to us that substance has long been abandoned, and flair, and drama are the new trump card (please forgive the pun, it was too easy to resist).  

Campaign managers should be replaced by directors, and speech writers should be supplemented with special effects studios.  We realize that we are not going to glean any useful information from any serious candidate, who is too worried about offending anyone to speak truthfully.  If we can't have information, and facts we may as well have some entertainment.

It would solve a lot of problem.  Voter apathy and low turnouts at the polling place would be replaced with swarming, mobbing, adoring fans, willing to camp overnight, on a sidewalk to cast a vote for the star candidate of their choice.

With that in mind we would like to announce Dr. Dawg for president. Beta version, only.

This is the rough draft, and will be polished, as soon as we have a little more coffee, and receive a few more large donations, from wealthy, helpful donors.  Or, just feel like cleaning it up a bit.  Stay tuned for further improvements.

Everybody Needs a Vacation

We have been very busy here at Life Explaied.  Things are going extraordinarily well, here at Life Explained, we are days ahead of schedule on our time travel machine, thanks in large part to our time machine.

Our expedition to Mars is well under way, and the good news is we found Martians, the better news is they love the same foods as us.  Twinkies, HoHos, Fruit Pies, burgers, hot dogs, shakes, and iced caramel macchiatos.  We have started carrying extra provisions on every trip and are actually turning a nice little profit.  And here is the great news, since the profit is made on another planet it is not taxable income, probably, we think.

We have been burning the candle made with midnight oil at both ends, if you get our drift.  It was no surprise when Dr. Dawg decided to go on a short vacation.

Maybe he had a motive

Finally, a breakthrough in campaign finance reform.