Colonizing the Moon

Jester's Log. Mission #7: Hiding Out

You may have been wondering where I have been hiding and I wanted to get you up to date with the goings on around the Life Explained Deep Space Colonization Department. As you know, we have shifted the bulk of our resources towards the Clark/Zahrt presidential campaign. I've now had an opportunity to relax for a breather and thought I should update you.

The trip to Mars was a huge success. Alien voters are registering and voting at a tremendous rate. The fact that the Clark/Zahrt team was the only one with the foresight to put a voter registration station on Mars, we are hugely popular with the Martian voters. (It helps that we didn't tell them anyone was running against us.) 

However, we still have a battle to fight back here on Earth. The validity of these alien votes is up for debate right now. It is obviously understood by all that these Martian voters are in fact NOT American citizens. The real problem is that the Liberal and Conservative parties can't seem to agree on whether or not to allow extraterrestrial votes in the 2016 election. Tim's liberal left is all for it while my rigid right is currently fighting it. I think in the end it will be decided that since none of the candidates are really worth it anyway, we might as well allow anyone and everyone to vote. 

My munitions hoarding, Preppers watching, rigid right mentality still has me concerned about the overall results of the election. Because of this, I have chosen to kill two birds with one stone. (Note that was a common idiom and not a threat to any candidates.) For the next few months, you will be able to find me on the moon.

My plan is allowing me to test run a space-based colony on the moon. It's good preparation practice for our planned Mars-based colony. The fact that it is so much closer to Earth than Mars is just a plus. The transport of supplies for initial construction and near-future expansion will be a little more streamlined...at least until we get our teleportation device up and running at full capacity.

The other benefit of colonizing the moon right now is that I won't be anywhere near the U.S. when the final election results roll in. There are numerous predictions of what will happen should the 2016 election go in a particular direction and none of them are all that appealing. My plan should be sound, but I am still waiting to hear from Putin on what the max range of his ICBMs is and verify if the moon is within that range. 

We will begin taking reservations for the first batch of suites that will soon be available on the moon. Our only restriction is that you can't be one of the celebrities who said they'd be leaving the U.S. if "so-and-so" wins the election. Outstanding cooking abilities are a bonus if you want to get placed higher on the waiting list. 

I better get going for now. There's a lot of work involved with setting up a new colony in space. Until next time....

Convoluted Compromise

I am very pleased to have been chosen to be the Honorable Mr. Clark's running mate for the 2016 Presidential Election. For those of you who think I'm making this up, you can read it for yourself on Tim's recent post "Vote Early, Vote Often." For those others of you who don't care to check the facts, you're in the right place. 

As Tim so brilliantly pointed out, he and I lean different directions on the traditional political scale. We're not going to let that bother us one bit though. In fact, we plan to use that to our advantage. Those other suckers out there are focusing all their time on just half the population. The Clark/Zahrt party appeals to 100% of the voting population. Basically, this election is in the bag for us.

I won't bore you with a bunch of empty campaign promises, but I feel it's my duty to help clear the air about how Lefty and Righty plan to rule the world serve you, the great people of our nation. 

Our number one priority is NACHOS. The North American Committee on Hilarity Over Stupidity. We love our committees because every new committee adds more meetings and more time to sit around and snack. It also fits into our general policy to have fun rather than waste time on stupid things that bore us. It's also very important to laugh at life rather than being upset by everything that may seem stupid to you. Don't worry though, we do have a few plans to tackle the tough issues. 

World peace has been the dream of every politician and beauty contestant in the last 100 years. We have devised a plan to make some headway on this starting within our own borders. The liberal left has long had its eyes on the confiscation of firearms within the US. We have agreed that this gun confiscation plan will begin the day after we're elected to office. In fact, I have already begun creating a list of my conservative buddies who are more than willing to help with the collection of all these firearms....and at no cost to the government. 

World hunger is another topic we both hold near and dear to our hearts and stomachs. Under our administration, we will ensure nobody goes hungry. We are currently drafting executive orders requiring at least one taco truck be present on every city block. The trucks are to be conservatively painted as to not cause an eyesore while requiring liberal amounts of cheese be on all nachos served. You see - conservative and liberal CAN work together.

Our immigration policy needs a little work, but we are close to reaching a compromise. As it stands now, for every illegal alien from the South who is granted immunity in the US by the left half of our party, the right half is allowed to grant immunity to an extraterrestrial alien located via the Star Wars program. We feel this compromise will be beneficial for both our love of a properly prepared burrito and our plans for deep space colonization. As you all know, the Mayan civilizations from southern Mexico have been studying astronomy for centuries and the knowledge from these Southern brothers would be very beneficial in deep space colonization. And the extraterrestrials make the best burritos this side of Pluto. 

These plans are just the tip of the iceberg. You never know what's going to happen next when you combine the liberal's love of change with the conservative's love of explosives. It's bound to be a fun ride and a great show. Hang on tight. Until next time....

Funding Feasibility

Jester's Log. Mission #5: Financial Aid
I have been told for years that money doesn't grow on trees. With the exception of my years doing commercial tree work, that statement has proven to be true. It may be one thing to try and support a family on money found growing on trees, but the same cannot be said for running an interstellar company focused on global domination deep space colonization.

In an effort to be fiscally responsible, we got to work on a game plan for greater revenue generation to assist us in our mission to colonize the universe. After a few stumbles, a couple falls and one clearly intentional push down the stairs, we developed an extraordinary plan. Like they say, if at first you don't succeed, keep changing the plan so it looks like you did.

The first phase in our plan was to have everyone donate blood and plasma for a quick income boost. That plan was not as successful as we had hoped. It involved a lot of passing out due to low blood sugar. The Margarita Monday Meeting was a complete disaster.

We moved onto housekeeping as a backup plan. Cleaning up is something we have gotten very good at because we seem to generate a fairly large mess wherever we go. This was unfortunately another swing and a miss. Not wanting to be one-upped by Tim the Toolman Taylor and his "more power" concept, we created a nuclear powered carpet cleaner. That really didn't go well. For those of you with a strong stomach, you can read about it HERE.

This led us to our backup, backup plan - a Taco Truck. We all loved the idea. Apparently a little too much. We had eaten through all our profits (and then some) by 1130am. They repossessed the taco truck an hour later.

Now we were onto the backup, backup, backup, backup plan. Or was it the backup, backup, backup plan? I can't keep track anymore. Anyway, Pet Grooming sounded like it would be the cat's meow. Unfortunately though, Dr. Dawg would hear none of it. There was no way his canine buddies were going to be subjected to a bunch of goofballs like us.

Just when we were going to give up completely and just steal the money like everyone else, Tim came up with a game changing idea: Take over the government. We are of course talking about the completely legitimate presidential election - not a coup. A coup would take far too much effort and expertise.

Step 1: Tim clearly outlined outlined his intention to run for president in his Election 2016 press release.

Step 2: We will own NASA which will help with deep space exploration project

Step 3: We will own OSHA to reduce fines received daily for workplace incidents.

Step 4: We will own the Judicial branch to reduce fines and sentences for the negligent workplace incidents.

Then Dr. Dawg pipes up saying we won't "own" those things because they aren't for sale, but rather government organizations. We fixed that problem too. Dr. Dawg is now head of US Treasury. Thanks to some quick thinking, we will now be able to just (literally) make enough money so we really can own all those things. Dr. Dawg's only stipulation was that he will now be on ALL currency. Whatever. We found a steady source of new income. Who cares what picture is on the money anyway??

I think we pretty much have this one figured out. It's a fool-proof plan...or was it a plan for fools? I can't remember what we decided at the end of the meeting. It was Tacos and Tequila Tuesday afterall.

So, as future President of the United States Tim Clark would say, "Vote early and vote often!" Until next time....