Grilling, Cooking For Men, Real Men.

It is no secret that I like to grill. Taking flame, heat, smoke, seasonings, raw food and deftly combining them into a masterpiece of sizzling, tempting delight is the ultimate test of modern manliness.

You know, I should take up hunting. That would be the apex of masculinity, Killing something, and preparing it for your family. Stalking the wild meal, climbing silently through the thick, tangled, matted underbrush looking for the opportunity to take down the perfectly marbled beef brisket. Man, that would be the pinnacle.

Poor, foolish, unsuspecting tribe of wild baby back ribs would scatter as I come crashing mightily out of the forest, armed with nothing but Pampered Chef Grilling Tongs, (dishwasher safe with a patented locking mechanism) and a dry rub made of paprika, chili powder, salt, pepper, garlic powder, and a touch of dried cayenne.

I would be the king of the jungle, as I stalk the wild rib eye. You know, we should be careful, there are a lot of snakes out in the bush. Big snakes looking to make a name for themselves by bagging a chef.

Don't forget the spiders, silent, deadly, the perfect killing machine. Eight legged angels of death, we have to keep an eye open for them. I read about a guy in Dayton who rolled his car down the side of the ditch in an effort to kill a spider.  Apparently, according to eye witness reports he was trying to set the car on fire, a popular way to defend yourself against spider attacks, when he lost control and rolled into the middle of the field. Police are still trying to find the spider.





Maybe I will just go to the store, Or better yet send my wife to the store, that place is like a class reunion for the hospital for the criminally insane. I will make sure the grill is ready for cooking.

Spring, the manly season.

Spring is in the air, the bicycle has been on its maiden voyage, the NCAA tournament is underway.  The flowers are starting to poke their heads out from the thawing ground.  It is a wonderful time of the year, warming, but not hot.  No snow to shovel, no lawn to mow.  Ah, the joys of spring.

Tonight there will be steaks on the grill. Cooking things over open flame bridges the gap to a more masculine past (I know that the flames will have died long before we cook the steaks, but there is fire, to start).  Plus, having steaks is probably the most masculine of meals.  It is a serving of untrammeled macho, slapped on a plate, right after it popped and sizzled over red hot embers on a dangerously hot grill with a two pronged fork, which has one purpose, to spear meat.

A serrated knife saws the meat into bite sized pieces, sitting in a natural symbiosis beside a steaming hot baked potato covered in melting butter, sour cream, maybe some shredded cheddar, and you have a meal right from man's ancient, primitive past.  Yes, the animal may have reduced to a manageable size by a third party facilitator, but it is still just a big piece of, more or less, unprocessed food cut right from the side of history, cooked over unregulated heat from smoking, popping wood products.  Just like early man would have wanted it.

It really makes a man want to howl at the moon, sleep under the stars, abandon all the girly pretense that modern life has forced on him.  He can, for a moment abandon the automobile, emails, text messages,smart phones, tablet computers, and all of the namby pamby, facebook updates, tweets, and online wimpy crap. He is one with the past.  He is history.  He has become Man.

Of course, the potatoes will be heated in the microwave, but it seems obvious that even cro-magnon man would have welcomed a way to warm food that was quick, easy and relatively inexpensive.  Early man was not without some mental resources after all.

Plus, butter, and sour cream, that is a lot of dairy fat, nobody should subject their arteries to that sort of abuse.  Maybe a light sprinkling of extra virgin olive oil, and a touch of sea salt, and a sprinkle of thyme, that would add flavor without breaking the diet wide open.  Who needs all of those calories?

Since dietary fiber is so important a side of kale, and a few pomegranate seeds, oh my, that would be heavenly.  A nice glass of Pinot Noir, or maybe a nice cup of Earl Gray, with a splash of honey, it will be like heaven.

Really, red meat is not the healthiest way to get protein, maybe a Chilean Sea Bass would be the way to go, grilled on a hardwood plank, served on fine china, with a side of...

Anyway, spring is here, and everybody should enjoy themselves, no matter what they prefer.  Now, I am off to watch a some basketball, and have a snack, any suggestions?

Labor Day, a time for action.

Sunday, and it is rainy and early in the day, and cool and comfortable, and not even halfway through the weekend!  Three day weekends are an application of delight, tonic for the soul, a wonderful, powerful thrilling joyride.  So keen it almost seems illegal, or at least immoral.  But, it isn't.  Approved by the federal government, and endorsed by decent, loving, humane employers everywhere.

Yesterday was a day of labor, too.  We went to the the Outlet Mall in Jeffersonville, a mythical place with unique physical properties, and a strange gravitational pull that grabs people from miles away and drags them across state lines to walk purposefully and determinedly across well traveled sidewalks and into busy stores.  Once inside they will toil, grabbing for bargains, bickering among themselves, turning on employees, comparing prices to those offered by the ultimate of discount stores, Walmart.  Often, this would spark intense debate concerning the location of the best deal, and thinly veiled accusations of stupidity, and mathematical incompetence.  Further bickering would ensue, and soon the scene would deteriorate, the family openly split along visible lines, invoking visions of the Hatfields and McCoys, or Capulets and Montagues.

My big purchase was a "Doohickey" from Eddie Bauer.  A bottle opener, screw driver, wrench, box cutter, ruler combination that clips onto a key ring.  So far only the bottle opener has been field tested, and found to be passable taking two or three attempts to pop the top on an icy cold Red Stripe, directly in contrast to the ease of the model we keep in the drawer with the cutlery. This is in keeping with my new routine heavy on aerobic, and heart healthy exercise.  I can almost feel the years being added to my life.  My doctor will be so proud.

Soon the rain will pass, and the day will assume the glory entitled to the middle day of a three day weekend.  An aroma of smoked ribs smothered in barbecue sauce is beginning to float through the neighborhood, the new bottle opener workout is calling, and I must answer.  Until next time, friends.

Independence,and Living in the Promised Land.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July, the day we celebrate casting off the yoke of British tyranny.  Basically, we said, "Hey Britain, you can have your yoke of tyranny, because we are casting it off!"  Britain said "well, bloody hell, at least we still have India."   We were so delighted with our independence we fired up the barbecue grills, popped open some frosty beers and blew up some fireworks.

Of course, that was a long time ago, now we are good friends with Great Britain.  Such good friends, in fact,  we are even thinking about allowing the import of haggis, which is a sausage like casing filled with... well, you probably don't want to know what it is filled with, and after a few moments of research I know way more than I ever wanted to know about haggis.  Anyway, if we are considering allowing the UK to sell us that you know we have a very good relationship.  There is still plenty to celebrate, though.

Freedom begs for feasting, beer, and fireworks, and we are free.  No longer do we answer to a distant government with little regard for our well being, completely indifferent to the struggles we face daily, focused only on their own continued control, wretched, foreign and hostile to the lives of the citizens of this great nation.  Ok, so maybe not that much has changed, we still seem to have very little real representation. But, at least we are being ignored by our own, and that is a start, or maybe the end, and the problems in the nations capitol seem to grow in a geometric progression.  Who are we to let that ruin our fun?

It is not just a celebration of freedom, it is the day we honor the birth of our nation.  And while there are many things we could and should improve, and things may be getting worse, by the minute, and often it seems like nobody is even paying attention, certainly nobody is in any hurry to reconcile the vast differences dividing so much of the population, as long as it is such an easily exploitable resource, that is no reason to mope.  Sure, things may look hopeless, in fact we may have moved past the point of no return, in so many ways, and everybody who could help is too busy scheming, plotting and planning for the next election cycle.  We still love a good party.

So, America, pop open a cold one, fire up the charcoal, and throw some burgers, hotdogs, steaks, and ribs on the grill, even though those items have reached a price that most of us can no longer afford.  For one day we can all be proud of our country.  It is so easy to forget our problems on the 4th of July.  After all, the houses of congress are not in session.
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Summer Time, Magic in the Making!

Yesterday was the summer solstice.  This carries very little importance these days, but it used to be momentous, spiritual, and celebrated.  Now it passes with little notice, and no real celebration.  Summer solstice marks the new season in all of it's warmth, light, growth, and the promise of life, potential.  The joy of yard work, and the smell of fresh cut grass, gardens and the aroma of flowers, the thrill of watching the vegetables, planted by hand,

bear crop.  It is the longest day of the year, and it brings a sure sign of summer, back to school sales.

That's right, folks, time to start getting ready for fall, pencils, pens, notebooks, and expensive caculators so complicated nobody can possibly understand or use them.  All on sale at such ridiculously low prices they will never see equal.  Until the next advertisement, that is.

Also, you might want to stock up on long sleeved shirts, pants, jackets and thermal underwear.  Don't forget to schedule an appointment to winterize your car.  Oh, and stocking hats and gloves, you need to make sure you have those.

While we are at it, don't forget to start buying some candy for Halloween, and now is the time to get a deal on Thanksgiving items (we recommend putting off buying the turkey until the Fourth of July Christmas Sale Extravaganza!).  

Summer, the season of outdoor life, grills, picnics, baseball, and preparation.  

This message was bought to you by the International Association of Stores.  Please buy a bunch,