Kayaking, a natural experience

Life always seems a little sweeter in a kayak. The small boat rocking gently on the waves. Gently paddling from one place to the next, feeling the tension drain through the small scupper holes. You can almost see the troubles of the week sully and darken the water, and the next sweep of the paddle they are gone, the scenery has changed, and the whole world is a little nicer.

My first attempt was not a real success. Nervousness, tension, anxiety, pretty much trademarks of my life, and my first trip my wife said it was all there, in every sweep of the paddle. She said I looked angry, mad at the water. "You attacked kayaking," she said. Of course, she didn't tell me this until after my second trip. "Relax, just slow down, look around," she told me before I launched. Since she cares for me, and knows almost all of my shortcomings, has seen me at my worst, pulled me back from the brink of the abyss more than I like to remember I listened to her. And she was right, no blisters, no aching shoulders, no cramps in my lower back. It was smooth sailing, sort of.

In the movie Toy Story there is a scene where Buzz Lightyear the astronaut tells Woody the cowboy "now is no time to panic." 

"Now is the perfect time to panic." Woody says, with feeling.

That is my motto, almost all the time. Now is the perfect time to panic. 

Kayaking is different, though. There is the beauty of nature, the serene silence of the forest pushing to the edge of the water, sometimes even making it into the water. Trees bleached white, looking skeletal, haunting and beautiful. Turtles sit on the logs, frogs croak, sing in a noisy opera of natural harmony. Birds of prey float gently, effortlessly across the sky. 

Most of the places I kayak are too small for motor boats, so it is quiet, a few canoes, sometimes an epidemic of kayaks. I always thought I was joining an exclusive family of dedicated "sailors" standing against the internal combustion engine driven power boats zooming along the surface of lakes and rivers. Man, was I wrong. Most of the time kayakers outnumber everybody, maybe everything, in the few launches I have tried. But, that's ok. There is room for all of us. If you are thinking of buying a kayak you should, they are wonderful little devices to loosen up your muscles, let the heat out of your life for a while.

Our cabin on Lake Superior was so remote that we were the only ones visible on the lake. You could hear the power boats across the bay, but you couldn't see them. A suggestion of movement, no more.

Lake Hope will probably be pretty crowded, but that is ok. Gas motors are not allowed on the lake, and there are plenty of little bays to paddle around and disappear for a while. Plus, it is a last vacation for the summer, a farewell to the heat, humidity, and yard work, from a small cabin in the woods.

Football, a Brutal Game.

My younger cousin Mike, who has some sort of milk shake obsession, (a complex, yet treatable, affliction: we need to act, Life Explained fans, to end this horrible disease, we are accepting donations now, please give generously to this noble cause) asked me to join his Fantasy Football league.  It was an act of kindness and generosity so noble and pure as to make a grown man weep.   But, there is no time for that, we are talking fantasy football here.

Acting quickly, as is my norm, I assembled one of the finest teams to ever take the field.  I filled both lines with Trolls and Orcs, man those guys are big, and mean, plus they are not above taking a cheap shot in the scrum that develops on running plays up the middle.

At fullback we had a dwarf, tough, resilient, unafraid to get his nose out of joint in dive plays, and short yardage situations.  Also, the ax is a real bonus when pass blocking.

Tailbacks, receivers and defensive backs were all elves, tall, lithe, athletic and fast.  Elves have great hands, can change direction quickly, and can make "magic" catches.  They are hard to beat.

Our linebackers were all vampires, fast, agile, aggressive and hostile.  They scared the bejesus out of opponents, and teammates, and coaches, and fans, vendors, office staff, grounds crew.  They were really frightening, but nobody wanted to be the one to tell them they were being traded.

Here was the real genius, though, we put a Wizard at quarterback!  Not just any wizard either, a powerful, steely eyed, resolute mage, unshakable, unflappable, almost un-sackable, a quick learner, able to control the huddle and make the right audibles at the line.  Kind of a father figure to the whole team, and able to conjure up a cooler full of beer on a whim.

It was a solid team, and we could go far, if we took it one game at a time, and gave 110 % and didn't overlook anybody, and all of those other things that a team needs to do to have a successful season.

Man, we cruised, too.  Running right over the top of the Lions, and the Bears, and the Panthers, and the Broncos, (we even made an unscheduled stop to stomp on the Tigers, even though they are a baseball team, we hate animals) destroying the Cowboys, and the Redskins, and the Vikings.  The Eagles, and their high flying antics gave us a few problems, at first, but as soon as we scattered fish all over the field it was over, stupid birds.

Nobody could handle our mix of speed, strength, and horrifying undead awfulness.  We were a team of destiny.

Then we had to face the Giants in the Championship game.  They crushed us.  Still, it was a good season, next year we might try to draft a little more size.

Thanks for the invitation, Mike.