A Sunday for the Ages

Today is huge. A day of momentous importance. Today is the first annual, Life Explained (#lifeexplained) Stupendous Bowl World Championship. We have been working, struggling, fighting, clawing, and even playing a little football, to reach this day. It was a season of ups, downs, highs, lows, even a few middle of the road, unexceptional, averages, even some completely sub mediocres. But, it was a quite a race, and we are left with two teams, each wanting to walk away with the crown. Each wanting to win the coveted title, each wanting to wear the coveted sash proclaiming them Miss Life Explained… Wait, hold on, that is not until next September. But, this is almost as vicious.

 
Since it is so cold outside, we are playing indoors, and since we don't have a covered stadium we are cleared out the break room. It is pretty big, not football field big, but pretty big. We had to let some of the air out of the footballs (a big thanks to friend of the blog Bill Belichick, who once said "winning isn't everything, if you're a loser" for that tip).

 
After installing some bleachers, benches for the teams, several concession stands, a lot of beer vendors (a lot), locker rooms, a press box, a stage for the half time show, luxury boxes, and a jumbotron for replays, and commercials we discovered the break room was not nearly as big as we thought. Painting the lines on the floor we realized we would have to play on a field the size of a table.  While that would make for a very high scoring game there might be an unacceptably high number of injuries to the spectators, cheerleaders, sideline reporters, camera crews, international celebrities granted passes, and custodians who were dead set against this right from the beginning and only acquiesced when given assistant coaching gigs, complete with headsets, and clipboards.

Since good custodians are almost impossible to find in this high-tech, namby pamby world of geeks and nerds we decided to cancel the game. Instead we were going to crown the Life Explained Stupendous Bowl World Championship on a series of board games. Unfortunately, nobody here knows how to play any board games, except for a few of the I.T. guys who are going to a comic book convention, and will be unavailable for the competition. They refused to lend us any of their board games after the Wine Tasting, Fantasy Football Draft fiasco.

If it hadn't been for police intervention somebody might have died. When Bob, from the infirmary stood up and tried to draft the 1^st Cavalry the place erupted. People were trying to draft increasingly lethal entities. Everybody was arguing about who would win between Spider Man, and Bat Man, who was tougher, Dracula, or Frankenstein's Monster. Several expensive, graphing calculators were destroyed when the I.T. guys leaped on the backs of the guys from accounting, because they were drinking Chardonnay right out of the bottle, which was more than they could take. After that it got crazy.

We decided playing real football might be safer, and started a league. It was a good season, and there was a lot of drama. We really didn't think the finals through very well. Next year we are headed for the Bahamas for the post season. We have reserved the biggest room on the island for the games. We are selling tickets already, if you are interested.  This year we are just going to flip a coin, but it will be televised, live.  And, they are taking bets in Las Vegas.

Fantasy Football, A Dream Season.

My cousin, Mike, (in our family we call him Handsome Mike) sent me a poster with the Nebraska basketball schedule, it was a very nice gesture.  In a way, he kind of owed me.  He sent one to me earlier, but, in typical fashion for my family (we think we are so funny) he addressed it to my wife, who kept it.  She is a big fan of the team, and the coach, and, in typical fashion for my wife, likes to do things that will irritate me (she thinks she is so funny).  But, now I have my own, and can look up the next game with impunity.  "Oh, did you notice, we play the Hoosiers next Tuesday?"  I can ask.  I say we, to signal solidarity, my wife, the team, and me.  I am sure they say the same thing.

Earlier this year, my cousin, Adorable Mike, asked me if I wanted to participate in a fantasy football league, I said sure, sign me up. This is not my first rodeo, or at least not my first attempt at fantasy football, anyway, I've never been in a rodeo.  Oh, don't get me wrong, I know one end of a horse from another, but would just as soon stay away from both ends, the one that kicks, and the end that bites.  Plus, there are all those flies hanging around stables, and where there are flies there are spiders.
All in all, it is just a good idea to stay away from farm animals, dangerous things.  And don't even get me started on the smell...  oops.

Anyway, I agreed to join Mike's league, thinking this time it would be different, I would pour my heart and soul into studying the choices, and draft a good team.  Every week would be an opportunity to prove myself, my ability to locate talent overlooked by others, my unique eye for the undiscovered.  I picked a cool name, the Demons, and went on a scouting trip, time to find some talent.

Then, it hit me, I don't know anything about the NFL, its players, or the teams.  So, I started looking into things.  At some point the league had changed, almost radically.  Now there is a North and South division in each conference and the central divisions are gone.  When did that happen?  Why wasn't I informed?

Plus, fantasy football is a real task.  I am not sure how it works, but it seems that the performance of the players on your team are graded against expectations, and a numerical value is assigned according to degree of success.  Then all of these scores are added together and that is how each game is scored.  I think.  Every week is the arduous, time consuming, painstaking task of looking at how each player is predicted to perform, and trading for those whose odds of overachieving are the greatest.  I think.  That does sound like fun!!!

My cousin, Mike the Striking told me that the Demons are in the playoffs.  I suppose it is time to get serious about finding the right balance for the long haul to the championship.  Unfortunately, I don't remember my user name or password.

Don't forget to tune in next week to find out how we did.  Bring your own confetti, I think there will be a big party.

Ok, this is not new.

It is Friday, and my the results of my blood tests are back from the doctor's office, and there was, and I quote, "good improvement" on my serum cholesterol level, and my ALT (whatever that is).  Amazing what wonders can be had by a change of diet and taking your medicine.  So, that made me happy.

On the way to work this morning, Siri was particularly cooperative, playing a variety of wonderful selections, ending with "I Ain't Got You," by the Yardbirds, timing it perfectly, it ended as I backed into the parking space, and it was a superb job of backing in, if I do say so myself, straight, and just far enough, really an amazing show of parking prowess.  

"I got a tavern, and a liquor store,
I play the numbers, yeah four forty four,
I got a mojo, yeah don't you know,
I'm all dressed up with no place to go."

Plus, my cousin  +Michael McNeil , Mike the Attractive is what he is called in local lore, in a spasm of familial generosity has invited me to participate in his Fantasy football league.  So, things are looking good, and in the spirit of giving I have decided to share my old Fantasy Football post again, if you hated it then wait until you read it now.  Besides this will give me an opportunity to work on my video production skills, there is much riding on the "Video Production DeathMatch" between +Mike Raven and me, well not really all that much, but it matters little, winning is winning, right?

So, here you go, enjoy, or I will post another dog video.

My younger cousin Mike, who has some sort of milk shake obsession, (a complex, yet treatable, affliction: we need to act, Life Explained fans, to end this horrible disease, we are accepting donations now, please give generously to this noble cause) asked me to join his Fantasy Football league.  It was an act of kindness and generosity so noble and pure as to make a grown man weep.   But, there is no time for that, we are talking fantasy football here.

Acting quickly, as is my norm, I assembled one of the finest teams to ever take the field.  I filled both lines with Trolls and Orcs, man those guys are big, and mean, plus they are not above taking a cheap shot in the scrum that develops on running plays up the middle.

At fullback we had a dwarf, tough, resilient, unafraid to get his nose out of joint in dive plays, and short yardage situations.  Also, the ax is a real bonus when pass blocking.

Tailbacks, receivers and defensive backs were all elves, tall, lithe, athletic and fast.  Elves have great hands, can change direction quickly, and can make "magic" catches.  They are hard to beat.

Our linebackers were all vampires, fast, agile, aggressive and hostile.  They scared the bejesus out of opponents, and teammates, and coaches, and fans, vendors, office staff, grounds crew.  They were really frightening, but nobody wanted to be the one to tell them they were being traded.

Here was the real genius, though, we put a Wizard at quarterback!  Not just any wizard either, a powerful, steely eyed, resolute mage, unshakable, unflappable, almost un-sackable, a quick learner, able to control the huddle and make the right audibles at the line.  Kind of a father figure to the whole team, and able to conjure up a cooler full of beer on a whim.

It was a solid team, and we could go far, if we took it one game at a time, and gave 110 % and didn't overlook anybody, and all of those other things that a team needs to do to have a successful season.

Man, we cruised, too.  Running right over the top of the Lions, and the Bears, and the Panthers, and the Broncos, (we even made an unscheduled stop to stomp on the Tigers, even though they are a baseball team, we hate animals) destroying the Cowboys, and the Redskins, and the Vikings.  The Eagles, and their high flying antics gave us a few problems, at first, but as soon as we scattered fish all over the field it was over, stupid birds.

Nobody could handle our mix of speed, strength, and horrifying undead awfulness.  We were a team of destiny.

Then we had to face the Giants in the Championship game.  They crushed us.  Still, it was a good season, next year we might try to draft a little more size.

Thanks for the invitation, Mike.

Football, a Brutal Game.

My younger cousin Mike, who has some sort of milk shake obsession, (a complex, yet treatable, affliction: we need to act, Life Explained fans, to end this horrible disease, we are accepting donations now, please give generously to this noble cause) asked me to join his Fantasy Football league.  It was an act of kindness and generosity so noble and pure as to make a grown man weep.   But, there is no time for that, we are talking fantasy football here.

Acting quickly, as is my norm, I assembled one of the finest teams to ever take the field.  I filled both lines with Trolls and Orcs, man those guys are big, and mean, plus they are not above taking a cheap shot in the scrum that develops on running plays up the middle.

At fullback we had a dwarf, tough, resilient, unafraid to get his nose out of joint in dive plays, and short yardage situations.  Also, the ax is a real bonus when pass blocking.

Tailbacks, receivers and defensive backs were all elves, tall, lithe, athletic and fast.  Elves have great hands, can change direction quickly, and can make "magic" catches.  They are hard to beat.

Our linebackers were all vampires, fast, agile, aggressive and hostile.  They scared the bejesus out of opponents, and teammates, and coaches, and fans, vendors, office staff, grounds crew.  They were really frightening, but nobody wanted to be the one to tell them they were being traded.

Here was the real genius, though, we put a Wizard at quarterback!  Not just any wizard either, a powerful, steely eyed, resolute mage, unshakable, unflappable, almost un-sackable, a quick learner, able to control the huddle and make the right audibles at the line.  Kind of a father figure to the whole team, and able to conjure up a cooler full of beer on a whim.

It was a solid team, and we could go far, if we took it one game at a time, and gave 110 % and didn't overlook anybody, and all of those other things that a team needs to do to have a successful season.

Man, we cruised, too.  Running right over the top of the Lions, and the Bears, and the Panthers, and the Broncos, (we even made an unscheduled stop to stomp on the Tigers, even though they are a baseball team, we hate animals) destroying the Cowboys, and the Redskins, and the Vikings.  The Eagles, and their high flying antics gave us a few problems, at first, but as soon as we scattered fish all over the field it was over, stupid birds.

Nobody could handle our mix of speed, strength, and horrifying undead awfulness.  We were a team of destiny.

Then we had to face the Giants in the Championship game.  They crushed us.  Still, it was a good season, next year we might try to draft a little more size.

Thanks for the invitation, Mike.

It isn't what you know, it's who.

Several years ago about this time of year we were on vacation.  My brother in law asked if I wanted to take part in a fantasy football league.  Heck yes, I am a guy, and I know one end of a football from the other (that does not sound quite right, but you know what I mean).  So, thinking this was my ticket to the big time I started researching.  What are the benefits of a "cover two," and how do you defend the middle of the field.  What is the best way to counter a "safety blitz" from the left side of the formation and still get your tail back into the flat as an outlet receiver?  What stadium has the best nachos in the US?  I left no internet football site unexplored.  I knew more about Andy Reid than his MD.  I was ready.  When the time came he emailed the link to my sons and me.

First thing you have to do in fantasy football; draft your team.  What!!!  I don't know anything about the best tight end, and if he hasn't been dating a Kardashian, or in a shouting match with the police, or winning some award of some kind, I have probably never heard of most players in any position.  There are so many of them.  Needless to say, I just guessed.  Well, that is OK, I will make up for my lack of player evaluations with superior coaching.

The really good part, is I have teenage sons who could help me with the parts of the league I didn't understand.  "Dad, you aren't doing it right, you are going to get slaughtered" was the extent of the help.

After two and a half months of endless days, and sleepless nights the draft ended, and I had me a pretty solid little team, built around an offensive line of impressive players.  It didn't matter that I knew nothing about any of them, or anybody else on the team.  There were enough guys, and that was the important thing.

We went into the first week feeling pretty good about our chances, me and my little team of nameless, faceless, unheard of potential superstars.  It was all decided by statistical comparisons, and my vast knowledge of spread offenses and defensive packages designed to fool even the most seasoned of quarterbacks availed me naught.

My team was destroyed.  But, there was hope, we could trade with other "coaches."  Nobody would answer my emails.  It was like high school all over again.  Only with email.

Soon, my players began faking injuries.  It was an epidemic of artificial agony that swept through the NFL.  Real NFL players were acting hurt just to avoid being on my fantasy team.

Out of 12 teams I finished 15th.  The NFL sent me a "cease and desist order" and every time I drive through the small community where my sister and brother in law live people line the streets to take my picture.  I am kind of a celebrity.