Today is a big day, here at Life Explained. well it isn't actually today. It is kind of tomorrow, and a little yesterday, and a lot of Monday. Look, we understand Monday is anathema here at Life Explained, we call it Disciplinary Monday because of all the forms, and complaints, and first aid procedures that are required just to get to to quitting time.
We spend more time filling out the 1797/J Assault, Happened in Kitchen form on Monday than the rest of the week combined. We are actually considering giving everyone their own coffee maker to avoid the confrontations. It would save a fortune on mugs, saucers, and the occasional toaster smashed over someones head, not to mention all of the synthetic, nonabsorbable monofilament used to stitch people closed again. But we have to find 237 coffee makers of the same coffee maker (no mean accomplishment) or it will be war next Monday. And nobody has time for that.
But, we are not here to talk about that. We are here to talk about the good news. Tomorrow night we are going to purchase my new iPad Pro. Which is why tomorrow is featured so prominently in the first paragraph. Obviously, today is Wednesday.
Monday is featured because my wife told me I had to make up my mind by Tuesday morning. I could never make that kind of decision in the morning, depending on how you define morning, I guess. If you say it ends at Noon, well maybe I could work my way through the process. But if the clock stops when I leave for work at 6:30 it would be futile. I need time to agonize, to let doubt creep in, and twist my thoughts, there has to be inner turmoil, a schism. I need that.
So, after hours of negotiations I decided by Monday (there's that word again) evening I had decided to allow my wife to buy me a new iPad Pro. What a lucky girl.
Of course, we may go pick it up tonight, my wife's car needs some repair, (an assembly of hoses and aluminium that carries coolant from one place to the other is leaking) and we may have to skip the gym, and proceed directly to the store.
Wednesday is the summer solstice, the longest day of the year. However, I am thinking of switching to an iPad Pro as my main computer. And my wife told me I have to decide by tonight, because she gets double points on the gift cards. So this day could take forever. I can feel the ulcer forming as I type.
Admittedly, making decisions is difficult for me. Every time we go out to eat, almost without fail, and almost instantly I wish I had ordered something else. Even before I am served. The fish and chip incident of 1998 haunts me to this day. Everybody was in such a hurry, rush, don't read the whole thing, have you decided yet, what are you going to have to drink, and I didn't notice the... Well it is too late to worry about that.
And there is no place I can turn for help. You might as well ask people who would win a fist fight between Santa Claus and Spiderman. There is so much passion on all sides of the Apple, Google, Microsoft debate, you can never hope for a fair evaluation.
It makes me wonder what that says about society. No matter what you choose somebody will know
better, somebody will be willing to tell you about the mistake you made. People are so divided over something so omnipresent.
The internet is only marginally better. People who write the articles on the internet are people, too. And they are people who understand technology thoroughly. When they write about the uses of these devices it is always in language that proves I don't understand technology. Multitasking, having open tabs, multiple windows, all things that don't seem that important to me.
I need a device suitable for blogging, writing stories for submission (good news, I have two being published today) finishing my novel, again, and making my little movies. I do a lot of stuff on my iPhone and it really has me convinced that I would be well served with an iPad. I just don't know. There are just so many good apps in the App Store.
But, the good news is I have a movie of my first two kayak trips. And I still haven't drowned. The movie was shot using an iPhone 6 an iPod touch (which took several spills into the standing water in the bottom of the Kayak, wonderful little device) and a Canon Powershot. It was assembled on my iPhone (probably much easier on an iPad Pro) and features a small part of the haunting Tempest by the one and only Bob Dylan. A heart breaking account of the sinking of the Titanic. Actually it features a small portion of "Everything I Love" by Alan Jackson.
Bob Dylan, or probably his employees keep a very tight grip on the use of his music. I don't blame him when I am a Nobel Laureate nobody will use my stuff either. Plus, after winning my Nobel prize in blogging, Mr. Dylan and I will be such fast friends that he will let me use his music whenever I want
It seems, to my complete humiliation that I have remarkably few songs about ship wrecks and I had already posted Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, Morse Moose and the Grey Goose by Wings does not really have the emotional turmoil needed for such a cinematic masterpiece. But, Alan Jackson has a voice that drives heartbreak into depths unimagined. So we went with that. Everything I love is killing me
Cigarettes, Jack Daniels and caffeine
And that's the way you're turning out to be
Everything I love, gonna have to give up
'Cause everything I love is killing me
If you notice on the video there is a leafy branch sitting on the boat for good luck and the bottle had red wine, also a powerful charm in christening a boat. Also, please ignore the unruly mop on top of my head, I am not sure what it is, but I am having it removed this weekend.
