Recently we bought a second kayak, one for my wife. Very nice, too. It is a Field and Stream Eagle Talon. Even the name is impressive. And looks, oh man does it look good. Twelve feet of blue, white, black camouflage beauty. Our other kayak is wonderful, but it is an Emotion Stealth, a nice kayak but the name even says nondescript, unnoticeable. It is a uniform gray front to back.
I decided that maybe the new kayak would be "my kayak,' and my wife could have the old, bland kayak. But, I made the mistake of posting pictures all over Facebook saying here is my wife's new kayak. People at work, friends, family know which one is hers.
I will become the big jerk who took the poor girl's new kayak. I don't suppose I really need that kind of image haunting me. I have read that bloggers have to establish their "brand." It is important to have a reputation for reliability, consistency. Imagine what that would do to my brand.
"Oh did you read the Latest at Life Explained?"
"Not after he stole that kayak, the bastard."
"Oh, that's right."
I would have the new kayak, but my brand would be tarnished beyond repair. I am too old to build a new brand. I am still trying to establish this one.
So, I will paddle on the Stealth in ignominy, unseen, bland, dull, while my wife cruises in style. All the people on the shore saying "who is that in that Eagle Talon? They must be fascinating."
Unless she decides to give me the new one. Nothing I could do about that, right?
Wednesday is the summer solstice, the longest day of the year. However, I am thinking of switching to an iPad Pro as my main computer. And my wife told me I have to decide by tonight, because she gets double points on the gift cards. So this day could take forever. I can feel the ulcer forming as I type.
Admittedly, making decisions is difficult for me. Every time we go out to eat, almost without fail, and almost instantly I wish I had ordered something else. Even before I am served. The fish and chip incident of 1998 haunts me to this day. Everybody was in such a hurry, rush, don't read the whole thing, have you decided yet, what are you going to have to drink, and I didn't notice the... Well it is too late to worry about that.
And there is no place I can turn for help. You might as well ask people who would win a fist fight between Santa Claus and Spiderman. There is so much passion on all sides of the Apple, Google, Microsoft debate, you can never hope for a fair evaluation.
It makes me wonder what that says about society. No matter what you choose somebody will know
better, somebody will be willing to tell you about the mistake you made. People are so divided over something so omnipresent.
The internet is only marginally better. People who write the articles on the internet are people, too. And they are people who understand technology thoroughly. When they write about the uses of these devices it is always in language that proves I don't understand technology. Multitasking, having open tabs, multiple windows, all things that don't seem that important to me.
I need a device suitable for blogging, writing stories for submission (good news, I have two being published today) finishing my novel, again, and making my little movies. I do a lot of stuff on my iPhone and it really has me convinced that I would be well served with an iPad. I just don't know. There are just so many good apps in the App Store.
But, the good news is I have a movie of my first two kayak trips. And I still haven't drowned. The movie was shot using an iPhone 6 an iPod touch (which took several spills into the standing water in the bottom of the Kayak, wonderful little device) and a Canon Powershot. It was assembled on my iPhone (probably much easier on an iPad Pro) and features a small part of the haunting Tempest by the one and only Bob Dylan. A heart breaking account of the sinking of the Titanic. Actually it features a small portion of "Everything I Love" by Alan Jackson.
Bob Dylan, or probably his employees keep a very tight grip on the use of his music. I don't blame him when I am a Nobel Laureate nobody will use my stuff either. Plus, after winning my Nobel prize in blogging, Mr. Dylan and I will be such fast friends that he will let me use his music whenever I want
It seems, to my complete humiliation that I have remarkably few songs about ship wrecks and I had already posted Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald, Morse Moose and the Grey Goose by Wings does not really have the emotional turmoil needed for such a cinematic masterpiece. But, Alan Jackson has a voice that drives heartbreak into depths unimagined. So we went with that. Everything I love is killing me
Cigarettes, Jack Daniels and caffeine
And that's the way you're turning out to be
Everything I love, gonna have to give up
'Cause everything I love is killing me
If you notice on the video there is a leafy branch sitting on the boat for good luck and the bottle had red wine, also a powerful charm in christening a boat. Also, please ignore the unruly mop on top of my head, I am not sure what it is, but I am having it removed this weekend.
Recently I wrote a post about choices, and the way they can effect every thing that happens for the rest of your life. Even simple choices can have a profound impact on your future. Everything you say, or do can alter the course of your life in ways too complicated to understand. Certainly too complex to explain. It is a mind boggling map of branching, forking roads, and each choice leads to more decisions, twisting, turning for all eternity, or at least until the last choice is made, and you can rest.
Personally, I can't take that kind of pressure. Just think, each decision leads to a different path. Even inconsequential options, what to have for dinner, which socks to wear, drink coffee, or tea, all under the crushing weight of an uncertain future. Every simple thing started to take on immense proportions. I had to get a handle on this, fast.
My first thought was the power of Tarot. Divining whether to choose the onion rings or the fried zucchini by spreading the cards, and reading the message. Seeing the future through the combinations of characters arrayed on the table. I'm sure there has to be a Tarot for Dummies. Maybe even a Tarot app.
What if, and this is possible, unlikely, but possible, the cards and my limited amount of supernatural ability allowed the deck to control the future, not just predict the best outcome of wearing the red Nebraska Cornhusker visor, or the black Louisville Cardinal visor. What if I set in motion the ultimate release of demons so hideous they make Congress look good? What if I allow the destruction of the world?
Tarot is out.
Dice was quickly eliminated when my wife threw them away at the restaurant while I was trying to decide between whole wheat and rye, after choosing between Swiss, cheddar, provolone, pepper jack or American cheese. But before we got to the lettuce, tomatoes, onions, hot peppers, and spinach. Like she didn't have an extra twenty minutes (or so) to spare to possibly alter our lives in immeasurable ways.
In the end I decided to ask Siri for the best choice. But she quit talking to me, shortly after lunch and the coffee versus tea dilemma. So, I am on my own, taking my life in my hands at every intersection, every unopened door, who knows what is waiting on the other side? But, when my time comes I will go, screaming at the injustice, the unfairness, the all too soon end to a wonderful short existence. Or I will turn around and go the other way, I just don't know.
Life is a series of choices. Each affecting the next. One decision with branches too diverse and numerous to imagine. Every "fork in the road" leading to another choice. There is no way to be certain where you would be right now if you had made a different option in any of hundreds of seemingly inconsequential choices in your life. Everything you do affects everything that follows. Alternatively, everything might be predetermined, destiny driven, scripted, nothing left to chance. How boring that makes things.
It seems much more exciting to pull up to the stop light, just as it switches from green to yellow, and think should I hurry? Should I speed through? If I do, I might get a ticket, my insurance rates will go up, It will be more difficult to buy groceries, our kids will go hungry, eventually we will have to sneak over to the Metro Park and hunt turkey, squirrel and rabbit, maybe take a few picnic baskets. But, if I don't get pulled over then I can get home before my wife, and I will have the power to decide what we have for dinner.
But, if everything is predetermined, mapped out ahead of time by fate, or God, or the programming skills of some long dead alien race then dinner has already been decided, taco Tuesday is not just a saying but a law. That isn't much fun. Who wants to live like that?
Existence is much more tolerable if you can view every decision as a dangerous gamble. Should I cut the blue wire, or the green wire? A full throttle thrill ride, every menu option a potential descent into the abyss. Or the one move that will vault you into greatness, fame, fortune and anything you want for dinner. The unbridled thrill of eating your dessert first.
That, my friends, is the way life should be lived. Fast and loose, risky, foolish and fun. Coffee or tea, because it could make all the difference in the world.
There are many things I do well, at least well enough to keep me employed, married, and out of jail. Certainly nobody ever accused me of being excessively smart. And if a person who knows me were asked "what are his strengths, the things at which he excels?" They would be hard pressed to pick anything. Everything in moderation, right? And, I am moderately talented at certain things. "Wow, that Tim really does a somewhat passable job." Music to my ears.
Other things trouble me. Some of them are simple things, things that everybody understands, and can pull off without thought. Right and left. I know the difference, but if I don't stop and think about it I will almost always choose the wrong one.
When we first got married it caused a lot of problems. My wife would be driving and I would say "turn right. No, turn right, right, dammit."
"I am turning right."
"Left, left, turn left!" I would yell. Too late, though, the opportunity had passed. And we would have to backtrack. Eventually we got where we were headed. In my own defense we saw some cool things, and had some fun, after we weren't angry anymore. She has taken to verifying directions by holding up her right or left hand for confirmation. It does relieve a lot of stress, but it is not as much fun.
At some point, some fool, somewhere decided to label earbuds right and left. Even when they were identical. Why? I remembered, when I was young, hearing stories about people playing Led Zeppelin music backward (I think it was Led Zeppelin IV, the one with Stairway to Heaven) and hearing the voice of Satan. Maybe that would happen if you listened to music with earbuds in the wrong ear. I wasn't taking any chances. I would always think which hand do I write with(I am right handed)? That would help me stay safe. Thank God I learned to write.
Recently my wife, who has an odd, malicious sense of humor, bought me some socks to wear to the gym. I like socks that are snug, my feet are as old as the rest of me, and we all need all the support we can get. But, they are labeled left and right, more specifically L and R which probable stands for Left and Right.
When I change to go to the gym I like to use the time to start stretching. I put my back to the wall and lower myself as far as I can, like I'm sitting, and put one knee over the other, and push down, it really helps. But, then my left foot is actually on the right side of my body, but still the left foot, and soon I am thinking what is the worst thing that can happen? Sprained ankles, broken toes, and Plantar Fasciitis come to mind, and I stop and think "left or right, it is left, I know it." Which puts all of the pressure back on me. Why?
All of this leads to the question "Why? Isn't life complicated enough?" I guess it leads to two questions, though it could have been one, "Why, isn't life complicated enough?" Do we really need to add another layer of complexity? Somebody, somewhere is thinking, "no, probably not." I just hope it isn't too late.
Life is a long trip down a difficult path, and there are a lot of choices to be made. Each decision has consequences. Most times, though, those are hidden, and it is only after the path has been chosen does the payment come due. It is really an awful way to live.
Meeting the what seems to be the perfect person, dating, proposing, or being proposed to, brings joy, there is no time things have looked brighter, or happier. Turns out your spouse seems to have the disposition of the antichrist, and the personal hygiene of a skunk, but the contract has been signed, anointed by God, and approved by the state. Being married to a person you can't stand makes a person angry, and less concerned about cleanliness. Dang, that was a bad choice.
A dream job appears, chasing it consumes a person. A resume filled with lies, and false achievements, dreamy accomplishments, and fictional duties and responsibilities, who wouldn't hire that person? But, all of those skills are needed for this position, it is demanding and beyond the scope of the applicant, turning the boss into a hateful, loathsome caricature of a human. Incomplete responsibilities, unmet expectations and a slothful performance can have that effect on a person. But, leaving the last job burned too many bridges, and this is life for a while, bad idea.
Walking blindly through life is frightening. Knowing that mistakes are going to be made is probably not much reassurance. We here at Life Explained are here to help.
Welcome to the Life Explained University. Where, for the small fee of $25.00 a month (17 Celsius), we will teach you to make decisions based on The Scientific Principle of Absolute Certainty. Please, examine the chart below about making the decision to buy a dog.
Should I buy a dog?
Of course this is a very simple option, much easier than deciding whether you should run for President, for example. We can help you make that choice. I think we all know who needs our help with that choice, don't we? Give us a call, of course it will be a little more than the $25.00 fee, but, it is a tough choice, one that requires a lot of circles, boxes, and lines.
You see, presidential hopefuls come to us for help deciding if they should run, if they have any brains at all, which is not a requirement for public office. You could use our help, too. In fact, looking at your Facebook page, you should enroll, quickly. Before it is too late.
One of my friends recently suggested starting a movement. She would like to simplify life. There are too many choices, and we are constantly being bombarded with the responsibility of decision. "Paper, or plastic?" No thank you! "Would you like fries with that?" Did I order fries? "Next day shipping, two day delivery, slow, interminable wait?" Look, I'll just come pick it up. "Cash or credit?" Just keep it." Life has become a maze of confusing speculation, freighted claims, and, meaningless options. She would like it to end.
In the perfect world she feels this would be replaced,
By this.
And, really she has a point. We need to simplify things. Keeping that thought firmly in mind, this is the beginning of the manifesto of the "Occupy Main Street" Movement. It needs a little work, I am but a humble blogger, and not wise in the ways of manifesto creation and editing.
She doesn't want more she wants less. Why tie up all of that time reading menus at a restaurant, they should just serve you the one thing they make, "Welcome to Ted's House o' Meatloaf, we make Meatloaf" (just sit down and eat, it could be waiting for you), think of the minutes saved, all of the tormented anguish deciding between the sea bass and the orange roughy gone, replaced by speedy, comfortable contentment.
One television channel would help couples avoid a lot of bitter, heated, rancorous debate. Weekends are sports, weekdays, talk shows, and evenings some combination of reality, situation comedy with dramatic overtones all designed to appease every taste, without any hope of succeeding. "What do you want to watch?" would be replaced by "why bother!"
In fact, lets go one step further, who needs three dimensions, two is plenty. People would have the choice of width, height, or, depth, wait, what am I saying, this is anarchy. We might need to elect a new spokespers...whoa, this might be a lot harder than originally thought.
Anyway, if you have had enough with all of the constant badgering by ruthless counter people, inquisitive customer service representatives, and prying, nosy sales people join us in our fight. Particularly if you have some experience in the field of manifesto generation. It is no longer a choice.
I will become the big jerk who took the poor girl's new kayak. I don't suppose I really need that kind of image haunting me. I have read that bloggers have to establish their "brand." It is important to have a reputation for reliability, consistency. Imagine what that would do to my brand.
