Success is Difficult, but We Had No Idea.

How times have changed. Over the years we, here at Life Explained Ohio Office (LEHO), have dealt with setbacks, failures, fruitless incursions into the bizarre world of near misses, and the almost fatal close calls that accompany them with a smile, and a renewed enthusiasm.

It was so easy to be the underdog, nobody ever expected much, so a wine fueled fist fight in the commissary leading to a rocket attack in the parking lot, and a car, or house sent through a wormhole and ending up on a distant planet where tax rates are ridiculously high was no surprise. Just another day, really, everybody loves a loser, right?

But, our recent success has left us wanting more. A little is never enough, and a lot is a not even close. We want more. A lot more.

Since we were never sure how, or why we succeeded. In fact we are not even sure of the degree of our success, a new office in the Northeast, and an even newer office in India has left us scrambling for answers.

To that end we hired a anthropological psychologist to explain the "dynamics of office expansion and growth potentialities in a global market place" to us. It was illuminating.

Turns out humans in a corporate environment display strong, primitive instincts remarkably similar to chimpanzees in the wild. Displays of pack tendencies are exhibited almost constantly. He said a trip to a company luncheon would bear this out. Watch the way different departments would congregate at isolated locations, and only grudgingly allow the personnel from other offices to join.

Wow, he nailed it. We could learn a lot from this guy. But, his time was over, and he wouldn't be
back for a whole week. We could not wait that long, and why should we? Education, inquisitiveness, and the ability to assimilate information got us this far. We would seek answers on our own.

But, where do we find information on wild chimpanzees? Dr. Dawg suggested Jane Goodall. She knows a lot about primates, maybe she knew something about chimpanzees. But, she would not return our calls after a little incident at a scientific awards ceremony. Tequila sunrises are dangerous, and guacamole leaves a nasty stain on an evening gown.

Fortunately there a lot of people who wrote a lot of books. We went and got one at the library. We just opened it randomly and started reading. We were starving for information, and we were ready to devour everything we could find.

"It began as a border patrol. At one point.. they spotted Goliath, apparently hiding only 25 meters away. The raiders rushed madly down the slope to their target. While Goliath screamed and the patrol hooted and displayed, he was held and beaten and kicked and lifted and dropped and and bitten and jumped on... They kept up the attack for 18 minutes... He, too, was never seen again."*

WHAT? This is terrible! We were obviously in perilous straights here. Turns out chimpanzees are real jerks, and if they find a loner from another department they will tear it to pieces.

We had to act quickly. We hurried to the kitchen, in a pack, and erased our name from the sign up sheet for the Halloween party. Down that path lies problem. Then we hurried back and locked the door the lab, after stopping for a handful of candy from the bucket on the file cabinet over by the marketing department.

*Richard Wrangham and Dale Peterson Demonic Males: Apes and the Origins of Human Violence.

New Computer, New Tablet, Surface Pro 3 Does It All.

We here, Life Explained, have stepped into the future.  We needed a new computer, as our youngest son is getting ready to go back to school, and our old computer was ancient, it is probably seven or eight years old.  In computer age that is too old to believe, too old to use, even too old to donate.  It was so clogged with files, music, strata, upon layer, tier, years of our family life, piled onto an spinning disk.

In a way it would be fun to look back at the things we have filled the storage with, a scrapbook of family times, and memories.  But, it takes forever to start, and loading a file is like a dental visit painful, lengthy, and remarkably unsatisfying.  

We bought the New Microsoft Surface Pro 3, it is a remarkable machine, lightning quick, with 256 GB of storage, an Intel Core i5 Processor, which means almost nothing to me, but man this thing is pretty cool, I will post pictures soon.  I will post pictures of everybody in the family holding the new computer.  But, I will wait until everybody has been awake for a while.

People might be thinking, "you are an Apple user, Tim, why Microsoft?"  Great question, people.  I am an Apple user, but there was a time I thought an Apple product would never darken the sunny day of my narrow minded life.  I even had two Zunes, and really liked them, but when they gave up the line and my son bought his first iPod it was clear Apple had taken the lead in the "small, hand held, gaming, music listening, picture taking and manipulation devices."  

And from my first iPod, to my iPad, and on to my iPhone I have been happy with each.  They have been computational troopers beyond compare, and I still have, use and love them all, well not so much the iPod, I still have and love it, but it doesn't get that much use.  I am trying to convince my wife to use it as a camera, a facebook device, and to assist in her shopping wars, it is a slow process.

When it was time to replace the computer, we needed something that ran Microsoft Office, and something that was still at least a little cool, and this baby is it.  It is a robust, full fledged computer, that acts like a robust, full fledged tablet.  With a great deal of flexibility in both.  Also, it is a good looking little machine, sleek lines, and a brushed aluminum shell, that looks great with the keyboard, sold separately, of course.  Another ingenious device, the detachable key board is powered by the computer.  One less thing to charge

The Microsoft Store is filled with intriguing apps, and it seems that app shoppers are much fussy through Microsoft, than Apple, I downloaded "Imagecut" it had an average of three stars, and it is the easiest photo cutting app I have ever used.  I see big things for my friends, trips to Europe, and possibly Europa, keep your eyes open.

Having had this wonderful device less than 24 hours I can tell you it is going to be a valuable member of the family for quite a while.  If you are thinking about getting a new PC, and want something that is fun, fast, flexible, and just cool, think about the Surface Pro, I am happy, admittedly not a power user, but an apprentice geek, and that should count for something.

Dr. Dawg Is Running For President.

Another step toward tomorrow.

Last week the company decided to begin using the new accounting software.  As explained in a previous post the former accounting system was actually used by one of the early Chinese Dynasties, I believe it was the Song Dynasty and at the time they felt it "cumbersome, antiquated, with an unfriendly, difficult interface."  They hired a consultant from the Mongol Steppes, named Genghis Khan to help them learn the architecture and abilities of the system.  He became so frustrated he conquered all of the world, or at least the parts he could reach on horse back.

Anyway, it was clearly time for a change, and our software, and accounting people researched many different systems, exploring all of the possibilities, and carefully comparing the benefits, and features, and then decided to purchase the least expensive package, the "1,2,C Platform" from Bob's House o' Good Accounting Software.  Motto, "If price is your only concern, buy from Bob."

They spent weeks installing the new software on the computers, and training the staff in the use of the many features, and functions.  Finally it was time.  Last week "the balloon went up." 

It is an inspirational sight to see a group of people facing a difficult situation, struggling against common odds, and a mutual enemy, and turning on each other like a pack of rabid wolverines.  

There is no mistake so bad that it cannot be ameliorated, somewhat, by blaming someone else, venomously, hatefully, with threats of violence.

"Hey, Jill, I think you entered that product code incorrectly.  The name should always have a space before the lot number, and the edition size should go in user definable field 3."

Grasping a cheap retractable pen in a "modified saber, knife fighting grip" Jill steps closer, while rasping "that's the way Geoff told me to enter all of the products that are being made available in the fall line, that rat ba$tard, @!#$$ of a @$#@#@$, he can ki$$ my a$$, and so can you!"  

"OK, that's good." you scream, while moving quickly to the men's room, hoping she is not angry enough to follow you in there.

Shortly after any change as difficult and important as a major software update waves of nostalgia will sweep through the office.  People will begin to dress in black, and wipe away tears while discussing the many, almost uncountable, advantages of the old way, while leaving hateful, anonymous post it notes everywhere.  "Next time you fall asleep at your desk I will cut your throat." or "Do you know where your cat is?" maybe "I ate your lunch, sorry about that, but it was delicious."  Ok, that last one happens all the time around here, and has forced many of us to bring crappy lunches.

It is the Life Explained Office Update 2 Part grieving process, untrammeled anger, grief and untrammeled anger.

Soon this will pass, and everybody will be back to their normal, lunch stealing selves.  Progress, in all of its jackbooted glory, marches on, and if you are lucky it will not trample you.

Apple, Apple, everywhere,

Today we are celebrating.  Our good friend has joined the happy ranks of iPhone owners.  That's right, Shirley from "upstairs" has taken the sleeping pill of modernity and is now free to experience the technological nightmare of the 21st century.  Just kidding, we here at Life Explained think our iPhone is great, and we are so happy Shirley has joined our club.

Of course, introductions are not necessary, everybody remembers Shirley from http://tim-thingsastheyare.blogspot.com/2013/06/behind-scenes-and-people.html.  A true classic of investigative journalism, along the lines of Woodward and Best..., Berst..., the Watergate people.  If you were absent that day we will reproduce Shirley's part of the post.

If you were very short, and, stood on top of Shirley's head, while she was working, and, if you turned around and looked behind Shirley, this is what you would see.  As you can see Shirley used to need a lot of office supplies.  Things have changed, dramatically, since she joined the iPhone revolution.  Her life is a streamlined, bustling train ride to efficiency and she has assumed the role of conductor, and you better have a ticket.

Now, Shirley spits in the eye of the old fashioned, notepads are just coasters to her.  She scoffs at post it notes, and not just the freebies given by companies desperate for a little business.  She won't even use the "store bought" real Post It Notes, (a registered trademark of 3M).  Shirley is constantly taking notes, snapping pictures, sending emails, calling suppliers, vendors, customers.   She has become a machine, tackling assignments, always on the run from coffee, to iced tea, to straight bourbon, iPhone firmly in hand.


 At first she was so cute, "look at these kitty pictures my Grand Daughter just texted me."  Now, she is complaining about the relative speed of various wifi hotspots and the need for more 3G LTE because her twitter feed is sluggish, and Facebook is "slow as spit."

We were all a little shocked when she got a new tattoo that said "If you can't take the heat stay off of the World Wide Web, Wimp!"  Funny how technology has shaped our world, isn't it?

So, if you are going for a casual cruise down the information super highway and somebody flies past, you cursing your slowness, in a spiffy new iPhone, don't be offended, and say hello, it is probably our friend, Shirley.