A Quitter in action

Many of you know that I used to work construction. Masonry construction, specifically, brick, block, mortar, you know. I wasn't very good at the job. Now I work in distribution and I'm not very good at that either. For a brief time I tried light manufacturing and I wasn't good at that. I'm not really sure what I should do with the rest of my life, good thing I am almost old enough to retire, soon I will run out of options.... That isn't what I wanted to talk about today.

Today I want to talk about a specific incident of my construction career. Bricklayers are notorious for a belief in their rugged individualism. Almost a John Wayne, Charlton Heston aura. At least many I worked with. They carried rifles in their pickups, and owned horses, spit wads of tobacco, and screamed like angry savages.

One of the men I worked for was kind of cheap. He had an old forklift, heavy, tall, and prone to failure. And an old flatbed truck that used to be a Coca-Cola delivery vehicle. He had the back ripped off and a wooden bed installed. It made the bed a little higher than a standard flatbed, but it was a lot cheaper, and a lot older than most and a lot more likely to suffer from things like brake failure.  I hated that truck.

Another thing he did to save money was load his old, tall, heavy forklift right on the bed of his truck. This saved him from having to buy a trailer. But, it made for a terrifying ride, with all that height and weight every pothole, turn and bump seemed destined to topple the truck and kill the passengers. I hated that truck even more when the forklift was on it.

One day we were getting ready to start building a fast food place in a town about 50 miles away. We loaded all of the things we could in the pickup. Drove the forklift down to the rail yard, up onto the platform and onto the back of the truck. It was really the only practical place to do it, and it was unused, had been for years, and only about a mile from the shop.

We got back, loaded everything else precariously around the forklift, chained it all down securely, and started drinking some beer. And then some more beer.

About 7:00 that evening we were all pretty happy, and the beer was almost gone. As we were ready to call it a day, go home and get ready for a new job site one of the tires on the back of the truck just gave up. It exploded, it sounded like a bomb had gone off. There were two tires on each side, and the other one on the same side popped in what had to be a show of solidarity.

With all that weight, height, and sudden motion the truck, forklift, mixer, shovels and equipment all toppled over. It was a terrible sound of screaming, twisting iron and cracking, splintering wood, and made a thunderous crash when it hit. The ground shook with the anger of the weight.

We stood there looking, not knowing what to do next. My boss walked calmly over to his pickup, got his rifle and put the forklift and the truck out their misery, one clean shot to each. We shared a cigarette in solemn remembrance, and then I told him I quit. I didn't want to have to clean that mess up.

Safety Tips for the Common Man

WIth fall approaching, summer taking it's final bow, and the school year beginning to indoctrinate our children with all of the illusions and half truths they will need to survive life, it is time to review some important practices that will help us all live longer and healthier.

1. If you smoke, quit.  There are many studies suggesting smoking is addictive, dangerous, expensive, and socially unacceptable.  As our climate changes and extreme temperatures become normal, do you really want to stand outside of your comfortable office building in the blinding sun dripping sweat, melting into a puddle, and quite possibly become the victim of spontaneous combustion, just to "smoke a butt?"  No, of course you don't.  And in just a few short months, you will need to dress in a manner appropriate for someone who is attempting to "get the medicine through to the eskimos," just to "light up."

And here is the bad bit, often you don't have any choice of who you smoke with.  It might be that annoying guy from Research and Development, the guy who is always going on and on about how his parents won't let him have a Burmese python as long as he is living in their basement, and once they "kick the ol' bucket and the house is mine I will have whatever damn pet I want."  Man, sometimes it seems like all that guy does is smoke.  Every time you go out to have a smoke, there he is talking about how sick he is of eating meatloaf, or pot roast, or baked chicken.  So, quitting is a good idea.

2. Cool night time temperatures can cause a lot of condensation to form on the windows of your car.  If you leave early for work, often you won't be able to see out of the windshield on the front of the car, it will be so thick.  Having seen enough movies involving the supernatural you know that is the perfect opportunity for an ambush.  Climbing happily in your car, whistling a cheery little song, and anticipating a smoke free, joyous day on the job, you flip on the wipers, and sitting on the hood of your car is a gargoyle, or vampire, or chupacabra, or something sinister, with evil intentions, who smashes his fist, or paw, or appendage through the glass and drags your screaming, helpless body off into the morning darkness to a place that exists only for the suffering of innocent, kind people, like you, and you will never be seen again, and your car will be a mess.

The most effective counter measure is to drive a few blocks before turning on the wipers.  It is not the best idea to drive without being able to see, but it is much better than the alternative, having your disembodied soul wandering aimlessly, voicelessly throughout eternity.  Seeing your wife marry someone so much more successful, and watching him win over your children with equal parts of paternal wisdom, impeccable humor, and fantastic, expensive gifts.  Money grubbing, little brats, anyway.

Stay safe, keep your eyes open, and tune in tomorrow, when we discuss airline safety, the myth behind the lie.

Smoke 'em if you got 'em, but not around normal folk.

This last vacation I spent about a week with my past, a bit of ancient history, a time long gone, and mostly forgotten.  Actually, we never remembered most of it, but the parts we could recall seemed like fun.  There were very few things we would not try, and almost all of them we had to try again, just to see if our first impression was correct.

And you know what, with the exception of a few beers, and maybe a shot of whisky, every now and then we left them all behind.  Oh sure, we had a lot of fun reminiscing about the old days, reliving our grand errors, talking about how much fun it was to be so stupid so often, but we were both glad those days were over.  Over cold beer and fantastic Templeton Rye we drove the "way back machine" to our days of mistakes and gloried in them.

But, those days are gone (I hope), and good riddance, all of those bad habits are history (I hope) and I have no desire to come any closer than discussing them with my good friend and fellow degenerate.   

However, the last bad habit either of us left behind was smoking.  It was the most difficult to break.  I don't know enough about the psychology or physiology of addiction to say it is the most addictive substance, maybe it is, maybe not.  Maybe the difficulty is caused by convenience, it is everywhere. A person can buy formula and diapers for their child and stock up on cigarettes and grab a lighter in one stop.  Right there by the register, cartons, packs, signs, colorful point of purchase displays all calling to smokers, screaming "hey, don't forget us."

Smoking bans are popping up everywhere, and smokers are forced to stand in the elements, outcasts in modern society, to light up.  They might as well sew a scarlet S on their clothes, and just accept the stigma. It is certainly OK to buy them, just don't think about smoking one around polite society. "Stop bullying" ads attempt to make us more humane, and accepting, but, ask any smoker what happens when someone walks by as they are trying to enjoy a peaceful cigarette in the last refuge allowed, the outdoors.

When I quit smoking I swore that I was not going to be a sanctimonious ex-smoker, my past is riddled with the shadows, and shallow graves, of barely dead dependencies (each one waiting for the right moment to attempt a reunion tour of sorts).   I may not understand the science behind the need, but, I am all too comfortable with the reality.  If you build it they will come, and they will buy and they will light up.  Humanity feeds off destructive behavior and thrives on self delusion.  "Oh no," we think, "this will never happen to me," as we watch people suffer and die.

What I can't help but wonder is why do we spend all of this money, all of this energy telling people how bad it is to smoke, forcing them to stand in the rain, or snow, or oppressive heat, or freezing cold and still allow the sale of such an awful commodity?  I am no big fan of restriction and law, but isn't it time to end the madness?  "At long last, have you left no sense of decency?"  Probably not.

Smoking kills, there is no denying that, and it is so expensive, and so heavily taxed.  Plus, most states use the taxes raised to pay for efforts to get people to stop smoking.  Something there seems so silly.

But, life goes on, and the insanity piles up so quickly.   So, next time you see a smoker, smile at them, say hello, and move on past, they are there because that is where they are told to be.  "Go, stand out there so we can all see you in your anguish and your shame."   Besides, we all appreciate a kind word occasionally.  Remember, "there, but for the grace of God, go I."

When I first started this post it had a very logical conclusion, at least by my standards, then it kind of took off on it's own, and now I am not sure of the original plan.  Honestly, I don't think it was about smoking.  Just try to be nice to everyone, accept people for what they are, and don't judge a person, particularly not by a single act.  Hey, that is pretty good advice.

Don't forget to tune in tomorrow when we will review my new app to help focus on a single idea, and not get sidetracked on sermonizing and grand ideas, let's face it no one is going to listen to that kind of crap anyway.  Now I am off to find a new app for keeping on track.  Any suggestions, just email me.