http://tim-thingsastheyare.blogspot.com/ Follow my blog with Bloglovin
Showing posts with label smoking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label smoking. Show all posts

Saturday, November 18, 2023

From a Deadbeat to an Old Greaser

 There was a tow truck in the parking lot when I got to work this morning. 

 

Since I’m the first one to show up, the lot was empty, except for the tow truck. It sat, idling, in the middle of the lot. 

 

When I parked, it made a long, graceful looping turn and started toward me. Its headlights were bright, even in the early morning sun. 

 

“Hey, buddy. Is this 417 Fifth Street?” He asked, through his open window. Cigarette smoke rolled out the window and up into the morning sky. He had a huge travel mug sitting on the dashboard.

 

“No, this is 23 Israel Street. Fifth Street is over that way, somewhere.” I said motioning toward the north. I knew my way to work, and back home, I could get to the grocery store, the liquor store, the bank and a few places to eat, but streets names and directions never really meant anything to me.

 

“I guess I should get one of them GPS things.” He said, looking at a folded map. He took the travel mug, worn and stained, off the dash board and took a long drink. “Mountain Dew, all the breakfast anybody ever needs.”

 

He burped, loud, a small amount of smoke followed the sound.

 

“I guess your car doesn’t need towing.” He looked at my car, a beat up Chevette, with mismatched tires, and fading, blue paint, rust spots bloomed in random places. “It could be a candidate for the repair shop.”

 

“Or the junkyard.” I added and we both laughed, an awkward chuckle, hollow and pointless, mostly just a formality.

 

He offered me a cigarette, and I took it, it was a Marlboro, I only bought the bargain brands. I really couldn’t tell much difference. It went well with my gas station coffee, though. 

 

“What do you guys do here?” He asked, looking at the old building, long, windowless, cream colored, dumpy and squat. It could have looked secretive, mysterious, menacing, if you didn’t know there was a women’s wear warehouse stacked in odd, messy piles inside. It was owned by clothes designers, young people, almost children, they had no idea about warehousing. They loved fashion, and clothing. 

 

There was no method to the madness, it was chaos, mixed with mindless neglect. One saving grace was everybody seemed to understand. If counts were off, nobody ever lost their temper. They just corrected the inventory until another pile was uncovered, and the missing skirts or jackets, or sweaters were found, when they would correct inventory again. All the customers were used to the on again, off again nature of ordering. It was one big happy, dysfunctional family.

 

“It’s a warehouse, or distribution center. I guess that’s the word we use know. Warehouse is old and out of fashion.” I said, inhaling the smoke, enjoying the burn, in my lungs, in my eyes. It was crazy how I enjoyed the pain. Hot coffee, smoke, touching all the right buttons.

 

“Yeah, I guess we’re dinosaurs. Hanging on to the edges. You know the other day I went a picked up a car, one of them hybrid things, down by the waterfront, some kid, really dressed, suit and tie, hair locked in place, was waiting. I was having a cigarette, and he asked me if it was hard to smoke when it was so hot. I told him it was still worth it, even offered him one. He was pissed.” He laughed, smoke coming from his nose. 

 

“We’ll, I’d better go find the car, it’s a 2012 Ford, Fiesta. Won’t start.” He said, looking at his map, his rheumy eyes looked tired and slightly out of focus. 

I pulled my phone from my pocket, found the address on the maps app. I showed him how to get there from our lot, tracing it with my finger on his map. 

 

“Hey, thanks, that’s pretty nice.” He said, putting his truck into reverse, and driving away. I went to work feeling better about life.

 

“From a deadbeat to an old greaser, here’s thinking of you.” Funny how little things are big things to a deadbeat.

Thursday, July 20, 2017

Power to the People


Today, while I was "working" the power went out. Electricity stopped flowing, all moving parts stood still. We have battery backups for our computers that give us enough time to save anything we are working on, and turn the machines off safely. Not really a problem for me, I never do anything important.

Of course, everything starts beeping, chirping, crying for attention. Everywhere in the building tiny little alarms were sounded. "power went out. help me."

And it hit me. I should have gotten some water. In the kitchen there is BenchMark 3000 XL with a UV filtration system that dispenses frosty cold, UV filtered water. I don't know how it works but ultraviolet light has no sympathy for contaminants that make water taste stale or musty. It needs electricity to work though, and that spigot had been closed.

If you think I can ever go back to tap water after tasting the nectar produced by mixing light and water you are fooling yourself, friend. It must be H3O. I was willing to just give up and turn to dust right at my desk before resorting to that humiliation.

In fact, I had started working on my last will and testament. I was using my phone since the computers were not working, and I'll be damned if I'm going to use a pen and paper. Do you take me for a fool? Besides, I am not even sure I have a pen that works at my station. I would have to get up and walk around to the desks of people who had not yet arrived, or those down enjoying a cigarette during the brief lull in modern technological productivity.

Then it hit me, I should get a cup of coffee before the delicious life giving elixir gets cold. Newton's law of cooling is quite specific, TS > TE  System S cools until it is in thermal equilibrium with E. In an isolated system TS decreases while TE increases. Obviously, I had to hurry.

 Unfortunately, many of my coworkers had performed the calculation as well. A line had formed at the coffee maker. Ten people looking lost, sad and forlorn, staring in abject misery at the little pot. There was only two and a half cups left in the carafe. The power was out, the water cooler didn't work, and the coffee was almost gone. It was looking desperate. I wondered how long we had before we had to pick the weakest associate and eat them.

Then something beautiful happened. Mitch from Customer Relations filled his mug, took a sip and handed it to Marge, from Legal Services. She took a sip and passed it along. Somebody started singing Blowing in the Wind. A chorus of off key, creaking voices joined. People were crying, holding each other.

"I am going to miss string cheese the most," a timid voice said. Sobbing people started talking about the things they would miss most from civilization. It was touching and beautiful, in an awful, and terrible way.

Man, were we embarrassed when the power came back.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

My daily walk

Today I went for my lunch time walk. It was warm, sunny, and still. Custom made for a stroll downtown. Plus, I needed the steps. I have become a slave to my Fitbit, I live for the congratulatory shudder it sends up my are when I cross that threshold. But, it was not a peaceful walk.

Signs plagued the area. "Sidewalk closed, use other side." Behind the signs were huge machines. Some designed to break apart sidewalks and claw shovels full of dirt out of the ground. Others lifted craftsmen up in little caged boxes to work on windows, or patios, or walls, it wasn't always clear what they were working on. They spent a lot of time yelling at co-workers in another little cage or down on the ground. They seemed angry, or at least loud. I was not going to get close enough to find out. There was always, at each one, an armed policeman. "Hey, shoot that guy." I couldn't hear what they were yelling, it probably wasn't that, but who wants to roll those dice.

Traffic was heavy, and people seemed to be in a big hurry. With such wonderful weather they probably wanted to get back to work in time to set outside with the smokers. Smoking has become a shameful, controlled activity. But, as far as a great way to waste time it is now up there with writing a blog, which is the method I choose. There is a huge building, monstrous, just a couple of blocks from where I work, and the "smoker's lounge" is in the back, below ground level, next to giant noisy equipment. Some people must have to travel miles in that building. And when I walk past there is always a noisy crowd. Introverts probably don't smoke.

Most disturbing of though, was a tall, narrow steel building that had been assembled right in the middle of a parking lot. It was bright red, probably about 12 feet square and forty feet high. Even my co-worker John, who knows a lot about building things, had no idea what it was for. It had a garage door on the north side, and a personnel door on the south, but no windows, or signs. It might be a beacon for aliens, or a storage facility for ladders, or maybe just a mistake. "Not there, you fool! Why would you build an elevator shaft in the middle of a parking lot?" I will keep an eye on it, stay tuned for updates.

But a lot happened while I was gone. Pepsi pulled a controversial ad featuring Kendall Jenner. I was shocked. I didn't know Pepsi had an ad featuring Kendall Jenner. Stephen Bannon was removed from the National Security Council. I guess the honeymoon is over. Or everybody complained about his snoring. And most important of all I got my copy of Armies of the Night, by Norman Mailer. A novel by Norman Mailer, about his favorite subject; Norman Mailer, and it is supposed to be non-fiction as well. Who could resist?



Sunday, October 19, 2014

We all owe you, thanks for the tip

Sunday, a day of rest, a day to research, a day to get one step ahead of the game.  With that in mind, we smoked a brisket, and man was it hard to get it into the pipe.  Sorry, just a little backyard barbecue humor there.  It was very good, and we had time to sit, have a cold beer and study the graphic below.

This was forwarded to us, here at Life Explained, by long time friend, and huge fan of us, here at Life Explained, Gale.   A person who understands the dangers facing the world today, and has managed to uncover this foolproof chart to identify and deal with the various hazards of the modern world.



As becomes obvious, from an ever cursory glance, the world is a terrifying place, filled with eight legged tragedy, hiding under every chair, waiting behind every large appliance, scurrying, climbing, scaring the bejesus out of people, everywhere.

Recently, we, here at Life Explained, commissioned a sturdy that proved conclusively, spiders are the leading cause of death, since the dawn of time.  Oh sure, scientists try to tell you that we are it was a meteor, or a comet, or a giant Mother Ship, crashing into earth, or a volcano erupting, and kicking up a big cloud of dust, blocking out the sun, or something.  Yeah, right, what kind of fools do they take us for.   A big cloud of dust, killing a bunch of huge, indestructible lizards.  It is a shame they didn't have a friend(or the electronic means) to send them this handy chart, or we might be riding a Tyrannosaurus to work, and that would be cool.

Thursday, August 28, 2014

Safety Tips for the Common Man

WIth fall approaching, summer taking it's final bow, and the school year beginning to indoctrinate our children with all of the illusions and half truths they will need to survive life, it is time to review some important practices that will help us all live longer and healthier.

1. If you smoke, quit.  There are many studies suggesting smoking is addictive, dangerous, expensive, and socially unacceptable.  As our climate changes and extreme temperatures become normal, do you really want to stand outside of your comfortable office building in the blinding sun dripping sweat, melting into a puddle, and quite possibly become the victim of spontaneous combustion, just to "smoke a butt?"  No, of course you don't.  And in just a few short months, you will need to dress in a manner appropriate for someone who is attempting to "get the medicine through to the eskimos," just to "light up."

And here is the bad bit, often you don't have any choice of who you smoke with.  It might be that annoying guy from Research and Development, the guy who is always going on and on about how his parents won't let him have a Burmese python as long as he is living in their basement, and once they "kick the ol' bucket and the house is mine I will have whatever damn pet I want."  Man, sometimes it seems like all that guy does is smoke.  Every time you go out to have a smoke, there he is talking about how sick he is of eating meatloaf, or pot roast, or baked chicken.  So, quitting is a good idea.

2. Cool night time temperatures can cause a lot of condensation to form on the windows of your car.  If you leave early for work, often you won't be able to see out of the windshield on the front of the car, it will be so thick.  Having seen enough movies involving the supernatural you know that is the perfect opportunity for an ambush.  Climbing happily in your car, whistling a cheery little song, and anticipating a smoke free, joyous day on the job, you flip on the wipers, and sitting on the hood of your car is a gargoyle, or vampire, or chupacabra, or something sinister, with evil intentions, who smashes his fist, or paw, or appendage through the glass and drags your screaming, helpless body off into the morning darkness to a place that exists only for the suffering of innocent, kind people, like you, and you will never be seen again, and your car will be a mess.

The most effective counter measure is to drive a few blocks before turning on the wipers.  It is not the best idea to drive without being able to see, but it is much better than the alternative, having your disembodied soul wandering aimlessly, voicelessly throughout eternity.  Seeing your wife marry someone so much more successful, and watching him win over your children with equal parts of paternal wisdom, impeccable humor, and fantastic, expensive gifts.  Money grubbing, little brats, anyway.

Stay safe, keep your eyes open, and tune in tomorrow, when we discuss airline safety, the myth behind the lie.


Monday, July 29, 2013

Smoke 'em if you got 'em, but not around normal folk.

This last vacation I spent about a week with my past, a bit of ancient history, a time long gone, and mostly forgotten.  Actually, we never remembered most of it, but the parts we could recall seemed like fun.  There were very few things we would not try, and almost all of them we had to try again, just to see if our first impression was correct.

And you know what, with the exception of a few beers, and maybe a shot of whisky, every now and then we left them all behind.  Oh sure, we had a lot of fun reminiscing about the old days, reliving our grand errors, talking about how much fun it was to be so stupid so often, but we were both glad those days were over.  Over cold beer and fantastic Templeton Rye we drove the "way back machine" to our days of mistakes and gloried in them.

But, those days are gone (I hope), and good riddance, all of those bad habits are history (I hope) and I have no desire to come any closer than discussing them with my good friend and fellow degenerate.   

However, the last bad habit either of us left behind was smoking.  It was the most difficult to break.  I don't know enough about the psychology or physiology of addiction to say it is the most addictive substance, maybe it is, maybe not.  Maybe the difficulty is caused by convenience, it is everywhere. A person can buy formula and diapers for their child and stock up on cigarettes and grab a lighter in one stop.  Right there by the register, cartons, packs, signs, colorful point of purchase displays all calling to smokers, screaming "hey, don't forget us."

Smoking bans are popping up everywhere, and smokers are forced to stand in the elements, outcasts in modern society, to light up.  They might as well sew a scarlet S on their clothes, and just accept the stigma. It is certainly OK to buy them, just don't think about smoking one around polite society. "Stop bullying" ads attempt to make us more humane, and accepting, but, ask any smoker what happens when someone walks by as they are trying to enjoy a peaceful cigarette in the last refuge allowed, the outdoors.

When I quit smoking I swore that I was not going to be a sanctimonious ex-smoker, my past is riddled with the shadows, and shallow graves, of barely dead dependencies (each one waiting for the right moment to attempt a reunion tour of sorts).   I may not understand the science behind the need, but, I am all too comfortable with the reality.  If you build it they will come, and they will buy and they will light up.  Humanity feeds off destructive behavior and thrives on self delusion.  "Oh no," we think, "this will never happen to me," as we watch people suffer and die.

What I can't help but wonder is why do we spend all of this money, all of this energy telling people how bad it is to smoke, forcing them to stand in the rain, or snow, or oppressive heat, or freezing cold and still allow the sale of such an awful commodity?  I am no big fan of restriction and law, but isn't it time to end the madness?  "At long last, have you left no sense of decency?"  Probably not.

Smoking kills, there is no denying that, and it is so expensive, and so heavily taxed.  Plus, most states use the taxes raised to pay for efforts to get people to stop smoking.  Something there seems so silly.

But, life goes on, and the insanity piles up so quickly.   So, next time you see a smoker, smile at them, say hello, and move on past, they are there because that is where they are told to be.  "Go, stand out there so we can all see you in your anguish and your shame."   Besides, we all appreciate a kind word occasionally.  Remember, "there, but for the grace of God, go I."

When I first started this post it had a very logical conclusion, at least by my standards, then it kind of took off on it's own, and now I am not sure of the original plan.  Honestly, I don't think it was about smoking.  Just try to be nice to everyone, accept people for what they are, and don't judge a person, particularly not by a single act.  Hey, that is pretty good advice.

Don't forget to tune in tomorrow when we will review my new app to help focus on a single idea, and not get sidetracked on sermonizing and grand ideas, let's face it no one is going to listen to that kind of crap anyway.  Now I am off to find a new app for keeping on track.  Any suggestions, just email me.



Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Way Things Really Happen


Clearly, it was an accident.  Foundations of tall buildings are very deep and the ramps into them are steep, and when wet can be slick and treacherous.  With one cement truck emptying into the forms and several waiting, the accident was no surprise.  A little bump, no real damage to the initial truck, but enough to send that truck sliding into the one below, and there was some damage to that truck.  Enough damage to grind the parade of cement trucks to a halt.  They stood in the street, revolving mixers, idling engines and drivers thinking how great it was to be paid by the hour on days like this.  It was a helpless feeling for the people stuck in the quicksand of traffic around the site.
                                                           
Sitting in his Pepsi truck, trying to make his deliveries Bob Miller had seen the whole thing.  Recently, Bob had quit smoking, and was having difficulty sleeping, so he was looking at life a little irritably.  Yesterday, all of the drivers had been called into the route manager’s office and told the weak economy was going to force some layoffs, after that meeting Bob was more miserable about existence.  Sitting in the cab of his truck, with the windows down, smelling the cigarette smoke coming from the cab of the cement truck beside him, he started looking at life with a whole new level of anger.  He noticed that all three trucks involved in the accident were from different companies.  An awful idea took hold of Bob’s sleep deprived, nicotine fixated mind, an idea that would exact some small amount of revenge for the predicament he and his fellow drivers faced.

Anybody who has been in an accident will tell you there is a moment when things seem to move so quickly, time in a microwave.  It was that way for Gene Lifton, he was sitting in his Coca Cola truck, waiting at a traffic light.  A Pepsi truck coming from the right jumped the curb, smashed though a mail box, a newspaper machine and rammed into his truck.  It was the most bizarre thing he could imagine, yet it had happened.  Years afterward he would think back and the surrealism of the event still carried surprise.

The sound of two delivery trucks filled with carbonated  drinks colliding is almost unreal.  First the explosion of the collision, the scream of metal followed by the timid little pops of cans and bottles bursting the length of both trucks.  Warm, sticky Coke and Pepsi ran down the sides and through the bottoms of both trucks, people stood hypnotized by the sight. 

Bob was not done, though.  Jumping from the cab of his truck, Bob grabbed a tire iron and a bottle broken right below the neck, and ran towards the disabled Coke truck.  Bob felt the conviction of hopelessness and wanted to make a statement that would bring attention to the plight of the working man.  He ran through brown, sticky puddles of cola in the gutter and the curb.  His anger blinded him the to the side mirror that had broken off of his truck, causing him to trip and land on his own broken bottle.  Though the damage was extensive, and he was in surgery for three hours he lived.  He could never again handle the rigors of route delivery, and was forced to take a voluntary, early retirement, saving the jobs of all the other drivers.  An investigation into the accident was inconclusive, and even though there was no explanation of why he fell on a broken bottle, no charges were filed.

Watching with great interest was as act played out was July Summers, her parents thought her name was hilarious, July hated it when younger, but lately began to enjoy the reasoning.  As a teen, however, she had blamed it for many of the problems she faced.  She was not the most popular but she had some friends.  She had been fairly attractive and always felt that her name had kept her from being more well liked.  She never realized that most kids in high school wanted to be more popular and felt they would have been if only a few things, beginning with their parents, had been different.

July worked at a small insurance company right in the heart of the business district.  There were several agencies selling insurance in the same area.  Mostly they all got along together well, and there is always plenty of need for insurance.  But, July felt that people at The Insurance Emporium were a little underhanded, if not unethical, perhaps even illegal in their approach to landing new accounts.  When she saw Bob Miller take the cola wars to a new level, on his own, she thought, “why not me?”

 Why not, indeed, as July walked back to work, latte in hand, her mind plotted schemed.  The Insurance Emporium was only a block away.  She took a few extra minutes and walked past their store front.  Looking for a weakness, anything.  There was an alley beside the building with several large dumpsters.  Her hands began to shake and she was almost giddy with anticipation as her plan formed.  As she walked into the office a co-worker asked her “what’s in that coffee, it must be the good stuff, making you shine like that”?

It was almost Midnight when July walked down the alley towards the dumpsters.  She was carrying a can of gasoline and some large wooden matches, the type that light by striking on a variety of surfaces.  Somehow, that seemed more appropriate to July.  It was always so quiet at night in the business district that she actually jumped and screamed when a cat ran out from behind one of the dumpsters.  July was shocked, she never wanted to hurt any animals, they were all so innocent.  But, her mind was made up.  She doused one of the dumpsters with gasoline, lit a match, and tossed it inside.  But, the thought of an animal being stuck inside really unnerved her, and she had to look.  She rushed closer and looked over the edge to a few bags of trash and nothing living.  Relived, she backed away, not before her shirt caught fire, just the fringe,  it was only smoldering, not really on fire.  She burned her hand slapping the fire out.  The pain caused her to stumble on a milk crate and sprain her ankle.  In a precautionary act she took off her shirt and threw it in the fire and drove home topless.  She did not want the police finding a singed shirt in the trash at her house.

She limped back to her car cursing all the way, and watched from a distance as the building caught fire.  Inside the fire suppression system sprinkled water over the flames and the fire department arrived and put out the rest before too much damage was done.  Naturally, they had fire insurance, the arson investigators chalked it up to kids playing around and The Insurance Emporium employees all got new computers, furniture and a great new kitchen area with an espresso machine and a soda fountain.  July’s hand healed but, the scars stayed with her the rest of her life.  Her ankle became so swollen and discolored that she had to miss her date the next night, with a very attractive doctor, at a party to celebrate the opening of a new cancer wing at the Lutheran Memorial Hospital,   He found another date, they married in the spring and had three children and a wonderful, happy life.

As the fire trucks roared to the scene they woke Billy Wilson, a plumber who worked mostly on new buildings.  Lately things had not been good in the construction industry, and worry had been forcing a light sleep.  As he watched through his window the fire trucks roared past.  Billy felt an idea take seed, begin to take root.  Why not create some new building.  It would not be hard, all he needed to do was blow up a few of the buildings that were being renovated.  Nobody needed to get hurt and insurance would pay to rebuild them, it was a perfect plan. Billy always felt insurance companies had enough money for everyone, but just try to wrestle a penny away from them, fat chance!

It is amazingly easy to assemble the parts and combine them into explosives.  There are resources for the amateur bomb maker almost everywhere.  As Billy worked out the details and discovered the relative ease he was amazed that more people were not blowing things to pieces.  He really thought seriously about blowing a few things into small pieces just for fun.  But, he reasoned no point mixing business with pleasure.  There would always be time to blow other things to bits later, there were important things to take care of now.

For two weeks Billy worked through his list, wearing wigs and different hats and clothes while buying the components.  Caution was his ally, his guardian angel, and his constant companion.  Completely unnecessary, no one paid him the least attention, and had anybody been asked later the only thing they would have remembered were the silly sunglasses, the goofy hats and the awful toupees.

When the time was right he parked blocks away and toted his 45 pound bomb to the site where a new apartment building was almost finished.  Billy snuck inside and placed the device on the floor of the middle unit, figuring that would cause the most damage.  When the timer was set for 20 minutes he jumped out the window and ran away as fast as he could.  He never saw the dog.  It was a pit bull that had escaped from his pen two blocks away.  The dog ripped two tendons and opened an artery.  Seeing the attack a homeless man came to Billy’s rescue, saving his life.  Billy was forced to use a cane for the rest of his life, which made plumbing very difficult, painful and slow.  The company moved him to a clerical position, after some difficulties adjusting he became less uncomfortable.  The homeless man was a temporary hero, but, after a few days was forgotten.

Explosives are not difficult to build and the parts are easy to come by.  But, the training to make the right one for the right job takes time and patience.  Billy’s explosive would have made a great display on Independence Day, or had it been built correctly it might have done some real damage.  As it was it only blew out the front door two windows and part of the stair case.  In two days it was repaired and the building opened on time.  An investigation into the cause was inconclusive and it was widely assumed to be a gas leak, and an errant smoker.  Rumors circulated that it was a botched terrorist attack.  Nothing generates attention like controversy and people came in droves to see the building.  So much attention increased interest in the buildings and all of the units were leased before the complex opened.

Some people feel destined for greatness, others are happy to just go unnoticed.  There are times that call for acts of heroism, and times that demand sacrifice and courage.  Most times are pretty average, and most things are pretty simple, and you are normally going to be much better off just being yourself.  Remember the words of Bob Dylan

“The moral of this story, the moral of this song,
is one should never be where one does not belong.
Always lend a helping hand when your neighbors carrying a heavy load,
and don’t go mistaking paradise for that house across the road.”

And you will be fine.