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Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Another fearless act from a Life Explained reporter.

Rather Large Pink Shoe, so much better for stomping the
masses into obedience.
What started as a simple "update" to a previous item here on "Life Explained" turned into an selfless act of heroism.  Here is the large shoe where the topless woman performed the ritual sacrifice reported earlier. As is obvious, the "cleaners" came through, quickly, and put things back to normal. It was almost as if it had never happened. We tried to reach the woman to have her explain her fiery act of defiance. Her cell phone was answered by a man named Ken, who said "she is busy, but very sorry for her act of desecration. Further, she would like Barbie to know she will never go topless in public again." This seemed a little suspicious, our natural curiosity, probably.  What our top investigator in the area found surprised us all.

World Domination Barbie
Managing to infiltrate the inner sanctum of Barbies Dream of World Domination House, Berlin, our fearless investigator found shocking evidence of Barbie's dreams of a "new world order."  Using the color Pink to strike fear into the hearts of her enemies Barbie is slowly massing an army, loyal only to her, and reaching into the lives of everyday citizens in a way that is as shocking as it is complete.  Since 1959 Barbie has used her stooges at Mattel to distribute small indoctrination units into the homes of countless families.  Parents have been known to rob liquor stores to feed their precious daughter's Barbie Habit.  No collection was complete without "Freedom Fighter Barbie" complete with functional bayonet, and garrote, both in bright pink
Valkyrie Barbie 

Disturbingly, our research led us to proof that Barbie didn't just begin her dreams of world conquest with the Baby Boomers of 20th century America.  There are archived documents proving Viking Barbie led groups of Norse warriors to trample all over Britain as far back as 787 AD.  Beginning in the Isle of Portland in Dorset, these Northmen, led by the ruthless, plastic doll, trampled the area of the Northumbrians, and managed to invade Iona, not once, but repeatedly.  Of course, with failure came blame, and Barbie some how managed to pin the fiasco on Hakon Hakonarson, after the fall of Shetland and Orkney in mid 1400's.  A fascinating bit of history, but too lengthy for our purposes.  For the first time, but not the last Barbie came close to controlling the known world.

"Would you care for a
moist towelette, sir?"
Nothing is safe in Barbie's dream world.  There are no provisions for zoos and there is little concern for animal safety.  In a world of pink forests, oceans and plains animals will need to adapt, traditional methods of concealment and ambush will no longer work.  You certainly didn't believe for a second that Barbie would stop at painting the cities pink.  In fact, our reporter, showing the fearless spirit and drive that you have come to expect from Life Explained, and a bit of daring that surprise even us, captured images like this one clearly showing the once proud dolphin being forced into a position as a bathroom attendant.

Our intrepid reporter in Barbieville,
formerly Munich.
We all owe a debt of gratitude to Gale, the reporter who looked danger in its pink eye and didn't blink.  In the end, it comes down to heroic efforts, that is the only thing that will stop Barbie in her quest for total control.  Force is the ultimate argument, and once it has been invoked it can only be countered by superior force.  We all need to stick together to end the insanity.  Will you be able to sleep at night in a world painted pink.  Probably not, and after a while you not be able to see either.