Safety Tips for the Common Man

WIth fall approaching, summer taking it's final bow, and the school year beginning to indoctrinate our children with all of the illusions and half truths they will need to survive life, it is time to review some important practices that will help us all live longer and healthier.

1. If you smoke, quit.  There are many studies suggesting smoking is addictive, dangerous, expensive, and socially unacceptable.  As our climate changes and extreme temperatures become normal, do you really want to stand outside of your comfortable office building in the blinding sun dripping sweat, melting into a puddle, and quite possibly become the victim of spontaneous combustion, just to "smoke a butt?"  No, of course you don't.  And in just a few short months, you will need to dress in a manner appropriate for someone who is attempting to "get the medicine through to the eskimos," just to "light up."

And here is the bad bit, often you don't have any choice of who you smoke with.  It might be that annoying guy from Research and Development, the guy who is always going on and on about how his parents won't let him have a Burmese python as long as he is living in their basement, and once they "kick the ol' bucket and the house is mine I will have whatever damn pet I want."  Man, sometimes it seems like all that guy does is smoke.  Every time you go out to have a smoke, there he is talking about how sick he is of eating meatloaf, or pot roast, or baked chicken.  So, quitting is a good idea.

2. Cool night time temperatures can cause a lot of condensation to form on the windows of your car.  If you leave early for work, often you won't be able to see out of the windshield on the front of the car, it will be so thick.  Having seen enough movies involving the supernatural you know that is the perfect opportunity for an ambush.  Climbing happily in your car, whistling a cheery little song, and anticipating a smoke free, joyous day on the job, you flip on the wipers, and sitting on the hood of your car is a gargoyle, or vampire, or chupacabra, or something sinister, with evil intentions, who smashes his fist, or paw, or appendage through the glass and drags your screaming, helpless body off into the morning darkness to a place that exists only for the suffering of innocent, kind people, like you, and you will never be seen again, and your car will be a mess.

The most effective counter measure is to drive a few blocks before turning on the wipers.  It is not the best idea to drive without being able to see, but it is much better than the alternative, having your disembodied soul wandering aimlessly, voicelessly throughout eternity.  Seeing your wife marry someone so much more successful, and watching him win over your children with equal parts of paternal wisdom, impeccable humor, and fantastic, expensive gifts.  Money grubbing, little brats, anyway.

Stay safe, keep your eyes open, and tune in tomorrow, when we discuss airline safety, the myth behind the lie.

Safety, it is in the eye of the beholder.

According to Lifehacker.com there are two things you can do to ensure your next flight is healthy.

Wash your hands and use the overhead fan as a screen to keep airborne pathogens away from you.

Generally, I am just happy if they land safely.

Safety is our primary goal.

For most of the history of the company nobody felt the need for more than one security guard.  He sat by the front door, behind a big desk, with a raised counter that barely concealed a bank of monitors hooked to cameras scattered throughout, and around the exterior of, the building.  In fact, many people with some responsibility for the budget felt that the only reason there was a security guard at all was to justify the purchase and installation of all those cameras.

It seemed like a valid point, occasionally he dozed but most times he had a small television nestled in the midst of the monitors and watched daytime television.  It was not unusual to enter the building and find the giant, muscular man, billy club, and tear gas spray attached firmly to his black leather, police style duty belt, crying over the latest tragedy on one of the soap operas to which he had become addicted.  It was a little touching, a little sad, and a little troubling, and many people would avoid using the front door between the hours of 11:00 and 2:30.  Those became known as the "weeping hours."  We thought about taking away his night stick, for his own safety, but didn't really want to cause any more distress.

That all changed on that awful day in October.  We made the mistake of hiring an intern without completely vetting him.  He was only going to be there for five or six months, and was mostly in charge of assembling the vital supplies, necessary, and crucial to the execution of a successful business meeting.  Legal pads, and pens for doodling, and writing notes, donuts, bagels, pastries, and coffee for consumption, and pitchers of iced water, with slices of lemon for... well nobody is sure why those are there, but they do look lovely.

Had anybody looked more closely we might have discovered the interns ties to a notorious band of software pirates, agents of industrial espionage, and corporate raiders.  It was kind of disappointing, and you can believe there are several new questions on the application!  

One day, while Bob, the security guard was sobbing into a beach towel, bemoaning the fate of Susan, who lost her baby, her husband and her prized roses in one ten minute segment, between a commercial for bleach, and an advertisement for hair color guaranteed to rid a person of gray, adding a more youthful appearance, and provided a richer and more fulfilling life.  Jill, from the secretarial pool, stopped to console him, holding him and patting his back.  She noticed something odd on a couple of the monitors.

Bob leapt into action, shut off the soap opera, patted the handle of his billy club, and pepper spray, put on his uniform hat, and called the police, who arrested all of the intruders, and the intern, shook Bob's hand and gave him a commendation for quick action, and a clear telephone voice and left.

We are so grateful Bob was there.  We gave him a raise, a new chair, a box of tissues, and took away two of the security monitors so he would have room for a bigger television.  

Things were tough back in the old days.

Previously, on Life Explained, you learned that someone celebrated their 54th birthday.  And, you heard that life was a lot different, a lot more difficult back then, and it was, but, thanks to several recent lawsuits, and the "declassification" of several "top secret" documents we are finally able to bring you the "truth."

In those days you had to be tough to survive.  The birthing coach was there to help the infant, not the mother, she was an adult, and had to take care of herself.  First thing, when you were born, the birth coach would hand you a revolver so you could defend yourself.  There were only two bullets in the weapon, money was scarce, so you had to decide quickly who presented the biggest potential threat.

As I leaped out, the birth coach tossed the revolver up in the air, thinking quickly I performed the classic leap, grab the gun, land, roll, come up behind the bassinet, and fire off a quick round.  Bang, I managed to pick off the obstetrician, who had stopped to reload and pour another scotch.  People drank a lot more back in those days.  One down.

Scanning the delivery room quickly, I spotted the next biggest threat, the head nurse, she was holding an AR15 complete with sniper scope and there was a red dot on my little Dr. Denton's, right in the middle of the panda's forehead, stupid thing was like a black and white target, right over my heart.  Reacting, without taking the time to think, I pushed over the changing table and lobbed a flash bang, lead nurse, red dot, and problem all removed with one well place toss.  Home free, I thought, and still had a bullet to spare.

Just as I was preparing to call a taxi to take me home to meet the rest of the family automatic weapon fire broke out, I had to act fast.  The anesthesiologist was using a 50 cal to lay down suppressive fire while the midwife was low crawling in an effort to flank my position. It was very accurate, too, considering the lit cigarette hanging from corner of his mouth.  People smoked a lot more in those days.  I didn't know how long the diaper cart would hold up under the withering storm of lead.

This could spell big trouble for our little hero.  Firing my last bullet I only managed to hit the doctor in the arm, just a flesh wound, and while it probably hurt, a lot, and there was an elevated risk of infection, and staph is nothing to mess with, it would take weeks for him to die from that, and I did not have that much time.

Fortunately, under the delivery table the last group of caring physicians and staff had forgot to take their light antitank weapon.  I rolled under the table, grabbed the tube, popped up on one knee, and with an impressive shot, leading to an even more impressive explosion, the cover fire was eliminated.  I threw a scalpel, impaling the midwife, causing her hookah to fall, and the water to spill dousing the floor in brown, stinking water.  People toked a lot more weed back in those days.

Thinking I was finally safely born, I sat back to enjoy the soft crackling of an oxygen fed, operating room fire.

Wait, what was that noise, oh crap, that sounds like 81 mm mortar fire.  Dang the luck, nobody said anything about "indirect fire capabilities."  What's next, an airstrike?

Fortunately, Mom woke up, threw the surgeon off the gurney in the hallway, he fell to the floor, breaking his hypodermic syringe, people used a lot more intravenous drugs in those days.  Grabbing me, the complimentary diapers, a bottle of Canadian whiskey and a few cartons of Lucky Strikes, she wrapped us all up in a sheet, threw the whole bundle on the  gurney and we beat feet out of there.  Thanks Mom.

Kids today have it pretty easy, you know?

Another fearless act from a Life Explained reporter.

Rather Large Pink Shoe, so much better for stomping the
masses into obedience.

What started as a simple "update" to a previous item here on "Life Explained" turned into an selfless act of heroism.  Here is the large shoe where the topless woman performed the ritual sacrifice reported earlier. As is obvious, the "cleaners" came through, quickly, and put things back to normal. It was almost as if it had never happened. We tried to reach the woman to have her explain her fiery act of defiance. Her cell phone was answered by a man named Ken, who said "she is busy, but very sorry for her act of desecration. Further, she would like Barbie to know she will never go topless in public again." This seemed a little suspicious, our natural curiosity, probably.  What our top investigator in the area found surprised us all.

World Domination Barbie

Managing to infiltrate the inner sanctum of Barbies Dream of World Domination House, Berlin, our fearless investigator found shocking evidence of Barbie's dreams of a "new world order."  Using the color Pink to strike fear into the hearts of her enemies Barbie is slowly massing an army, loyal only to her, and reaching into the lives of everyday citizens in a way that is as shocking as it is complete.  Since 1959 Barbie has used her stooges at Mattel to distribute small indoctrination units into the homes of countless families.  Parents have been known to rob liquor stores to feed their precious daughter's Barbie Habit.  No collection was complete without "Freedom Fighter Barbie" complete with functional bayonet, and garrote, both in bright pink

Valkyrie Barbie 

Disturbingly, our research led us to proof that Barbie didn't just begin her dreams of world conquest with the Baby Boomers of 20th century America.  There are archived documents proving Viking Barbie led groups of Norse warriors to trample all over Britain as far back as 787 AD.  Beginning in the Isle of Portland in Dorset, these Northmen, led by the ruthless, plastic doll, trampled the area of the Northumbrians, and managed to invade Iona, not once, but repeatedly.  Of course, with failure came blame, and Barbie some how managed to pin the fiasco on Hakon Hakonarson, after the fall of Shetland and Orkney in mid 1400's.  A fascinating bit of history, but too lengthy for our purposes.  For the first time, but not the last Barbie came close to controlling the known world.

"Would you care for a
moist towelette, sir?"

Nothing is safe in Barbie's dream world.  There are no provisions for zoos and there is little concern for animal safety.  In a world of pink forests, oceans and plains animals will need to adapt, traditional methods of concealment and ambush will no longer work.  You certainly didn't believe for a second that Barbie would stop at painting the cities pink.  In fact, our reporter, showing the fearless spirit and drive that you have come to expect from Life Explained, and a bit of daring that surprise even us, captured images like this one clearly showing the once proud dolphin being forced into a position as a bathroom attendant.

Our intrepid reporter in Barbieville,
formerly Munich.

We all owe a debt of gratitude to Gale, the reporter who looked danger in its pink eye and didn't blink.  In the end, it comes down to heroic efforts, that is the only thing that will stop Barbie in her quest for total control.  Force is the ultimate argument, and once it has been invoked it can only be countered by superior force.  We all need to stick together to end the insanity.  Will you be able to sleep at night in a world painted pink.  Probably not, and after a while you not be able to see either.

Location:Barbies Dream World, starting in Berlin,

We Spare No Expense To Keep You Informed.

Another new and useful tool in the ongoing effort to keep the world safe. Sparing no expense, we here at Life, Explained have purchased BlogPress to help bring you the latest threats to your existence, plus any news we might find interesting enough to type a few words about.
Since this application will let me maneuver photos and videos on screen we are going to try to add one of each here.

Here is the actual plane we actually used to fly to Nebraska, (please note the parking ticket on the passenger side of the windshield, we all had to pitch in to pay that off before they would let us leave, the TSA is branching out a bit, sequestration has been hard on everyone) while I did not pilot the plane, I was ready, in case there were problems, and they needed help. In fact, thanks to a couple of extra cups of coffee, and a little less sleep I was in a state of hyper awareness perfect for flying or landing a plane.

And here is the plane we that flew us to Omaha taking off. It was very relaxing, if you don't mind riding inside a huge cylinder hurtling through the air.

Posted using BlogPress from my iPad