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Thursday, May 2, 2013

Oh, here we go again.

Those who read this blog know we are dedicated to bringing you news of all the invasive species that are sturming and dranging their way across the land of the free and the home of those of us who were born here. When news of the Snakehead fish invading the Harlem Meer in Central Park crossed our twitter feed, it was a slap in the face.  An invasive species of "top level predators" clawing their way through the Big Apple (hey, that might make a good movie, (mental note, call movie people)) is almost the final straw.  When an aquatic animal can move in on the City That Never Sleeps, you know there are dark days ahead.

A little back-ground on the Snakehead fish.  It is widely reported that they can travel as far as 1/4 mile on land, as long as they stay wet.  They wriggle and use their fins to move from place to place.  But, several sources have indicated that they are learning to use Mass Transit, and are working on getting their learners permit, it is reported they will feel much more comfortable driving their own car, as the subway is kind of dirty, and don't get them started on the undesirable elements, and, taxis are so expensive.  God help us if they ever discover airlines.

But, that is not what we need to address today, what we need to talk about is Canadian Geese.  Actually Canadian Geese is a misnomer, these are Greater Columbus Metropolitan Area Geese.  They have started traveling in packs, flashing gang signs, drinking cheap wine right out of the bottle, smoking cigarettes, leaving the ashes, matches and butts everywhere, whistling at and making crude comments to women.  They are not backing down from anyone.

There is a particularly ruthless pack of geese that have occupied the area around Kohl's at the corner of Hamilton and Morse.  If you are unfortunate enough to walk that way you will see them, dressed in little black leather jackets, with the slightest hint of a revolver handle sticking out from their belt.  Don't make eye contact, that is dangerous, but, don't not make eye contact either, that is suicide, and if they ask you for a little corn, or a small fish run, fast.  The minute you stop and reach for your wallet, you're finished.  

Local police have indicated an unwillingness to tackle this menace head on, as they are terrified.  When asked why, they provided this video as proof that geese are nobody to mess with.

We might get lucky and the geese will eat the snakeheads, and the spiders will get the geese, and we can make an uneasy alliance with the wasps to kill the spiders, then... next, followed by..., Well, maybe we can get some aliens to tackle the wasps. After that somebody else will have to take over, we can't solve all your problems for free, you know.

If you have any suggestions, we would like to hear them, we are in the basement, behind the bookshelf, under a blanket, with a flashlight.