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Thursday, July 11, 2013

I had to save the world, so sue me.

Loyal readers of this blog know I am not given to boasting, or shameless self promotion.  Lately, though, an age old wound has been opened, and even though it will require some descriptive language that may seem like bragging, and despite the considerable anguish this will cause me personally, the world deserves an explanation, and many of the documents have recently become declassified.

When I was much younger I was approached by a group of concerned people who needed assistance.  They were trying to save the world from an angry mob of women shoe shoppers from Alpha Centauri (also known as Rigel Kent), the brightest star in the Centaurus Constellation.   Apparently, despite having a radial velocity of -21.6 km/s and an apparent magnitude of -0.01 (don't get me started on the spectral type of G2 V) they don't have any decent shoe sales.  This, according to the terrified people who contacted me, spelled big trouble for our sleepy little planet.

Looking back it is surprising how many people were unaware of the bus loads of savage bargain hunters screaming across the heavens toward us.  Fortunately, thanks to the frightened people who hired me, they did not need to know, I was on the job.

Working quickly, as I am known to do, I assembled a team of top scientists, the most proficient engineers, and the wildest looking group of crypto-zoologists you have ever seen and we started constructing a defensive umbrella that would save the Earth, and the terrified people who hired us were grateful.

Sure, it was touch and go, time was short, and we were forced to work night and day for weeks on end.  Months of sleepless toil, until our backs ached and our fingers cramped, and our feet hurt, and we had headaches, and blurred vision and we lived on hot dogs and breakfast sandwiches, and we liked it, because we were doing the right thing, for the right reason.  We simply could not let the Earth, and the horrified people who hired us, be destroyed.

It was a beautiful construct, too, elegant, simple and brutally effective.  Using a 60 watt bulb, we sent the light through several magnifying glasses of increasing size and power, until it was like a miniature sun.  Using a calculator from Woolworth's as our computer, (things were different back then, and dime store calculators were the best thing you could hope for) we calibrated it to track any space borne Mimosa aroma, and incinerate the vehicle in which it was being transported.  

Unfortunately, the person in charge of procurement, was a little overwhelmed by the sheer volume of items needed, and forgot to buy a 60 watt bulb, and electric fixture.  We were moments away from being overrun by angry shoe shoppers from outer space and I had to act quickly.  So, I reverse engineered my BABY sister's easy bake oven, just to save the world.  And have not heard the end of it since.  Despite the fact I have replaced it, and sometimes she finds the kitchen confusing.  Last time we visited she was in the kitchen screaming, like a banshee, "How come my pie isn't cooked and it's all soggy?"  Her husband, a man with a lot of patience, said politely, "that's the dishwasher, dear."

Now the story has been told.  I don't like to brag, but it was going to come out sooner or later.