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Sunday, November 24, 2013

Hunting, in the kitchen.

My cousin, Mike (we call him Handsome Mike in our family) who keeps up on technology, (he has a smart phone, a laptop computer and a convertible) told me about a breakthrough in the science of hunting.

He bought a pan that, when heated, gives off fumes toxic to birds.  According to Mike, who knows how to read, and type so this is probably verbatim, it says "Nonstick cookware can emit fumes harmful to birds." Somehow, scientists have isolated the kill switch inside the birds nasal cavities. 

With Thanksgiving coming and this is a boon to hunters everywhere.  Until this important advance, a
Hunter, it's whats for dinner.
hunter had to sneak up behind the turkey and smash him over the head with the pan.  This was not always easy.  Turkeys can get big and mean, with a superior sense of smell and vision and a human sensing radar.

I remember the tragedy of '87, when we had a few too many beers and decided to go get the Thanksgiving turkey with nothing but a sauté pan, a gravy boat, and a soup ladle.  It was a disaster, we lost two distant cousins and a great uncle.  Nobody was too thankful that year.  I can't talk about it too much because of the gag order enforced after we settled the lawsuit.

We learned to go armed with 14" skillet, a cast iron 5 quart dutch oven, and a square grill pan with a corrugated bottom, and plenty of spatulas, steak knives and one of those wicked looking cleaver things they use in Asian grills.  Normally, that was plenty, but if the turkeys sensed your presence and managed to perform a flanking maneuver and roll up behind you, well, I pity the hunting party that makes that mistake.
Early hunting implements, used to
bag the first Thanksgiving turkey

Now, thanks to modern technology, all you need to do is invite the bird into your house, maybe on pretense of "well, Mr. Turkey, this year we are having fish, for Turkey Day,"  fix a small batch of pierogies, maybe a quesadilla, and boom the turkey keels over dead, practically right into the roaster.  

Technology is wonderful, isn't it?

*Which is not that technologically advanced, but he is very happy about it and it only seemed right to mention it.