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Wednesday, February 5, 2014

"It is Time to Face Reality."

"Hey, do you mind if we dance with your dates?"

With this latest snow storm I am afraid we have gone beyond mere, average, mortal winter, and we are now forced to face some sort of super villain winter, it is like the Joker of winters.  This is not winter, the season, this is winter, the invasion.  We are no longer surviving winter, we are being beaten into submission by winter.   This is almost historically bad, Winter, the Terrible.

"Oh, my, what lovely weather we are having,
you, ungrateful puny humans."
There are those who will say, "oh, winters used to be a lot worse than this.  I remember the winters of my childhood, and this is pretty nice, by comparison."  But, what those people are experiencing is called "Confabulation" which is a "memory disturbance" mostly the fabrication, or distortion of memories.   Either that, or they are talking about the extinction event after the comet smashed into the Earth, and the dust clouds covered the sun, and the temperature plummeted, and the dinosaurs were removed from the equation.  But, taking a quick glance at their birth date on their Medicare cards will let you know whether they are "crazy," or just really old.

It is time we face the facts, winter is here to stay.  And that is OK, as long as you are prepared, and that is what we are going to help you with today.  Remember to wear layers, layers of clothes, at least 4, but when you hit 15 you have probably gone too far, have someone help you remove a couple, as you are probably immobile by now.  Hats, and gloves are a must, the hat should go on the head and the gloves in your pockets, so you can still change songs on your phone, grab your coffee, snack on your donut (nobody wants glove lint on their doughnut, what are we animals?), and other critically important driving tasks.

In situations like these, you will see many people whose cars have become stuck, in snow banks, ditches, medians, the backs of other cars, repossession trucks, the hazards are countless in these conditions.  Remember, these are people, like you (your brothers and sisters in the family of man), who, by the whim of cruel coincidence, and through no fault of their own, have become ensnared in the harsh entanglements of winter.  You have an obligation, a duty, a responsibility to these people, so slow down as you drive past, in the warmth and comfort of your car, and try to look distressed.  Glance at your watch, as though you are in a big hurry.  Try not to make eye contact, it would be very unkind to get their hopes up, suckers, anyway.

When you get to work, make sure to grab the parking spot that is closest to the door, it is probably icy, and old Mildred has a walker which gives her a little extra stability.  And Bob, from accounting always wears those compression socks for his phlebitis, and, deep vein thrombosis, and, they look pretty warm.  Hey, it ain't your fault your healthy.

Now you are prepared to face the day, bitter cold beyond belief, and get to work, and into the building.  Tomorrow we cover getting home in the exciting conclusion, "Reaching Escape Velocity," or "How to Act Like You Have Accomplished Something."