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Monday, February 17, 2014

Well Being, At Least Better Being,

As if there was not enough to worry about all ready, giant, invasive slugs, venomous, "face sized" spiders, and air travel, (all of which I have warned you, repeatedly about) now there is a new threat to mankind, at least the "man" part of mankind.  According to James O'Neil, a professor at the University of Connecticut, "men are conflicted, ambivalent."  I had no idea, now it is clear, though, I look around here, at the Top Secret Life Explained headquarters and all of the men have that haunted look of conflict and ambivalence.

Apparently, we are so "conflicted and ambivalent" that according to David Crary of the Associated Press, Dr. O'Neil writes extensively "on men's struggles over gender roles."  Dammit, this could be bad.

Our conflict and ambivalence over gender roles has almost certainly caused the strife and turmoil in the nations capitol, how can we expect congress persons to function under the weight of "being socialized to meet the old stereotypes."  When will they be able to find the "alternative models of masculinity" for which they yearn?  It has driven the world mad, I tell you.

How do we find our way out of this morass, do we need a hero, someone to ride in on a pale horse, or a custom built, extravagantly noisy motorcycle to save the day.  No, what we need, according to Dr. O'Neil, is "an expansion of psychological support for men wrestling with changing expectations."  Indeed, Dr. O'Neil, that is exactly what we need.  Because it is clear the "changing expectations" have us in the "stranglehold, submission lock of doom."

But, we here at Life Explained are here to provide that support, and a road map to emotional stability, in several installments, for free (hey it beats trying to think up something new everyday).  Today, we start with "Heroes, wow, that's cool!"

A smoky (here, we are going to use dry ice to create the effect, we all know the dangers of second hand smoke, and that would be irresponsible) conference room in Geneva, one person sitting on the "right" side of the table, a toothpick (I recommend Gum brand floss picks, gingivitis stalks the great and small alike, available at most fine grocery stores) hanging arrogantly from his/her mouth, dark aviator sunglasses, perched defiantly on the crest of the nose, covering the eyes with the mirrored glass of strength and resolve.

A man walks in and sits down, looking hopefully at our hero.

The toothpick moves slowly, purposefully from side to side, and after a few minutes that stretch almost to eternity, the larger than life person of indeterminate gender, our hero, President/Prime Minister/Chancellor (insert your favorite world leader here) takes the toothpick in hand and points it at the person, saying softly, yet forcefully, "enough with the anti-gay crap, Vladmir, and for God's sake put a shirt on.  We're finished here."

Adaptability is the key, we can be comfortable with almost anything, it just takes a little work, a small amount of tolerance, and the appropriate amount of clothing.

Please tune in tomorrow, when we discuss the "altered dynamics of subordinate, or why no one ever listens to me at work."