Technology, Decisions and the Government

Nothing is easy. We got a new iPad Pro for Christmas. We don’t really have computers, the iPad is enough. More than enough in many ways. I can do anything I want on my iPad, more than I want, really, sometimes not as much as I should, if you get my drift. I need a keyboard, though, and it it between the Logitech Slim Combo, and the Apple Smart Keyboard. 

I know there are people who hate Apple and I have no quarrel with that. I know there are people who hate Microsoft, and I’m ok with that, too.

In fact, I read a theory that Bill Gates is secretly funding a program (pogrom?) to reduce the population to a more sustainable level. It provided a number, though I don’t remember what it was, and I assume it provided a reason, but I didn’t read the whole thing, just the tag line. It seems a little suspect that a man who made his fortune selling software to the masses is trying to eliminate the largest majority of his market. 

I’m sure there are people who hate Google, and I can live with that. I don’t know much about Google. I do “google” things but mostly I use Safari, or Microsoft Edge. I still call it “googling.” I hope that isn’t violating some copyright law. I did see thee the big Kahuna from Google, I can’t think of his name, facing the Senate version of an inquisition. Which really turned into a partisan free for all and blame fest, which accomplished nothing but made for excellent facebook videos. It is hard for a minor associate of a small company (me) to say how much responsibility is carried on the shoulders of the CEO of Google, but he had to find the whole thing an enormous waste of time. I was impressed with the dignity and restraint he showed during the circus, though.

There are a lot of people who hate Facebook, too. My friend, who has never had a Facebook account, told me that “Facebook is for sheeple.” I’m not sure how he formed this opinion, or what the qualifications for inclusion into sheeplehood are, but I like Facebook. I think I might like it more if it was only a little better, and maybe I just don’t understand how to make it work. Sometimes I see things I don’t want to see, and sometimes I see things that make me smile. I’m just not sure there is enough balance. But, I do remember when the CEO of Facebook had to face a congressional grilling.  I thought he handled it very well. 

It wasn’t that long ago, thinking back, that congress “looked” into performance enhancing drugs being used by Major League Baseball players. Man, they gave them a good what for. Thank God our government is on the job. Think of how bad things could be if they weren’t taking care of all the important stuff. 

Anyway, I think I will go with the Logitech Slim Combo. Mostly because of the backlit keys, and I do somethings the morning or in the evening. Thanks for helping me decide.

Another Day, Another Humiliation.

This week our president was reported as having said something awful about impoverished third world countries.  He wondered why there were so many immigrants from these countries facing such awful circumstances. Reportedly he said we need more immigrants from countries that are doing well financially. The implication was we should have immigrants that really have no need to immigrate. 

Maybe we could have our INS agents sneak into wealthier countries and spirit a few of the more successful professionals from select European countries back to the US. Of course, then we can use some people from the other countries, the poor countries, to clean their houses, tend their gardens and make sure they don’t escape back to whatever paradise they were liberated from. 

Of course we will have to alter the wording on the Statue of Liberty, something along the lines of “give us your educated, successful, self-sufficient, or we will come for them.” 

In a surprising display of unity a couple of  republicans rushed to the president’s defense, after a couple of days.

“I was in town that day, and I did not hear the president say that.”  A senator I can’t remember from a state that escapes my memory for the moment.

“When?” The reporter asked.

“When what?” The senator asked, back.

“When didn’t you hear the president call several poor, unfortunate countries a toilet?”  The reporter rolled his eyes toward the heavens for strength.

“At the meeting.” The senator replied.

“Was that the only time he didn’t say it?”

“No, I never, always, didn’t hear him say that.”

“Thanks, we are all out of time.”

“No, thank you,” “No I insist, thank you,” “No, thank you, damnit,” On and on. 

Meanwhile American credibility falls around the world. The president is not welcome in London, the capitol of our staunchest ally. People look to China, Germany, and Russia for stability, and Nero tweets. It was nice while it lasted.

Goodbye James Comey, an Omen.

I read about the firing of the James Comey with a casual indifference. As a private citizen the Director of the FBI is almost invisible to me. This Director certainly was more infamous than most, but, had it not been for a vile, toxic presidential election I probably wouldn't have even known his name.

A quick, incomplete search led me to the surprising conclusion that he was an honorable man. He spent years doing the right thing, at odds with the president at times, he refused to bow. Of course, to my liberal, "leftist" thinking he did at least one odious thing. But, he had a long career, and seemed to be a man of honor, as much as possible in the cesspool of the nations capital.

What really bothers me is the method. Who would do that? Who could do that? How can you justify firing a man in such a cowardly fashion. He learned about his firing on television, while giving a speech to his employees. Is that our vision for making America great again?

There was a belief, and it was widespread, that Trump's managerial acumen would provide a solid foundation for the enormous requirements of presidency. I think, what we witnessed yesterday should lay that myth to rest finally. It is difficult to say how much the man is worth in monetary value, but it is no doubt he is morally bankrupt, it is the only explanation.

We are now stuck with a complete novice driving the boat. He has surrounded himself with people sharing his views almost exactly. He lashes out childishly, impetuously at anybody who questions him, and vengeance seems to be his most compelling motivation. Republican leaders in congress are quiet and complicit. What could go wrong?

"The world is not fair, and often fools, cowards, liars and the selfish hide in high places." Bryant H. McGill

Now Hiring, Pharmaceutical Geniuses.

We, here at the Ohio Division of Life Explained (ODLE), have decided to branch out a little. No worries, we are still going to provide the governments of the world with the finest detonatable and incendiary technology possible. But, the potential profit in pharmaceutical development and sales is almost impossible to resist.

Seriously, it is like a siren's song calling us to the rocky, dangerous shores of the island Wealth. Where there are enormous piles of money waiting for anybody who can navigate the treacherous waters of government interference and obstruction. Who knows better the safe streams and canals of congressional bribery* than the intrepid sailors of the Life Explained Legal Department.**

We are still trying to decide on the type of medicine we are going to start developing first, maybe something that will help people who are allergic to sodium and have heartburn. Start small, you know. Maybe something that helps people who are sensitive to bright lights, and still want to be famous. The possibilities are endless, and the earnings gigantic. We like the sound of that.

Please join us in our quest to make life better and get filthy rich, send your resume to;

Life Explained Pharmaceutical Division
Are there holes in your life that you're trying to fill
Because if you have a problem, boy, we have a pill***

* Just kidding, I am sure the good people in the government are all trying their hardest to keep us safe. If they make a little cash who can blame them, hey we all have to eat, right?

** Sorry, I am still excited by my new Kayak (name pending) and am trying to work in nautical references whenever possible, matey.

*** Thank you, Micheal Stanley Band. You could really rock and roll.

Today in History, a List

It is time to look at the day ahead. The best way to do that is to look back. So on this day in history;

Today was the first of the televised Kennedy vs. Nixon debates. Kennedy was declared the winner by technical knock out. Many people felt Kennedy was much more comfortable in front of the camera, and was willing to wear makeup, while Nixon was a little pasty, sweaty and a lot like most Americans would be in front of a national televised audience. Proving that we don't want somebody like a normal American to be in charge, substance is secondary to appearance, and there is no point in saying anything profound unless you do it attractively.*

Francis Drake returns to England after sailing around the world, officially "circumnavigating the globe." He was the first British navigator to sail the globe. He set off on December 13th, 1577 with five ships, officially he was going to raid Spanish holdings in the new world, but a series of storms made a mess of things, and he wound up in San Francisco Bay and claimed the territory property of the Queen. The Forty Niners, and the Giants were furious, fearing that they were going to have to learn soccer (football, to Drake). But, the games were allowed to continue, and everybody was happy, even the Queen.** 

The Bill of Rights was ratified by the First Congress, and sent to the states for approval which is important, too.

The Brady Bunch premiered on television which is not important.

The first American soldier was killed in Vietnam, in 1945, that really surprised me.

A lot of other things happened, too, but this is enough for one post. Besides, I need more coffee.

*Here, I should add the disclaimer, I am a liberal democrat, not because I trust democrats any more than I trust republicans, only because I like the sound of being liberal more than conservative. And image is everything.

**I should mention that sailing is often called the "worst way to travel that doesn't use an airplane." At least on this blog. 

Another point of view UK vs. US, from a very wise friend.

A while ago +Mike Raven and I had one of our "showdowns." This time it was about government, and as always we had had a very good time, and made a couple of videos, and did not take it very seriously. But, +Richard G. Stevens posted a great piece, and it made me feel a little foolish.

Next, a man I have a great deal of respect for, +Rahul Singh weighed in, and sent me the following post. Rahul is a keenly intelligent man with a wonderful blog. But, he agreed to let me post this piece on my blog. It is an amazingly insightful look into a serious subject. It offers the insights that only someone from the outside can provide. Read this wonderful work, it is amazing, and please feel free to write your own post. I would love to hear what you have to say. And thank you, Rahul, your work is marvelous.

Hi, I am Rahul Singh. I am a blogger with a top-secret blog. I say this because if you would follow me in the near future, you will find me writing everywhere else other than my own blog. It's simple. I enjoy learning from my seniors (both in experience and age). To that end here I am at "Life, explained."

Well, we all know that the genius behind this blog is in a friendly war with Mike Raven. Who has the better system of governance? United Kingdom or United States. Honestly, I would want to go with the US, had the British not been the inventors of Cricket. I personally feel that Cricket is indeed the greatest invention since PAPER. I love these two things more than anything besides my family, friends and __ (fill the blank for yourself).

Let's compare both the countries' administration, as being a member of another nation far apart. (Disclaimer: Just the basics, I look at here).

1. Clean Politics: Both countries stand up well here. Both have their share of conspiracy theories, but nothing too alarming. At least, what we in India read. So, it's a tie here.

2. The inhouse politics: As a child, growing up in a developing nation I imagined the US as the country with no problems. That view has certainly changed. Honestly, the whole black-white thing is real mess to an outsider. Equality is one of the main principle of democracy. From outside, in the world filled with problems, the UK seems to be handling their house better.

3. President vs. PM: The US wins here. The American President is considered the most powerful man on earth. The PM of UK, I feel does not get enough of the powers. In the battle of democracies being partially a monarchy is a certain drawback. People should have the right to choose someone, who runs the place and is not a mere caretaker.

4. Round the globe: Well, as much as I hate to say, the UK have actually been better ambassadors of world peace than the US. No offence, but the people here are far critical of the US because of some of its startling measures. Anyway, if someone could share some more light on it, for now, as much as I hate the UK for all its past sins (personal opinion), I appreciate it's simple stand towards complex issues in the recent past. Also, it has amazingly built a reputation in modern times as a messenger of peace. Completely contrasting is its past image. At one time they seemed the greatest villains on earth. I quite like David Cameron as a PM.. So, with complete respct to US' efforts against terrorism, I still think US makes blunders with its foreign policies. So, give this to UK.*

5. Global-effect: The US might make blunders with things. People might not like their stance on most topics. However, there is no other nation that has more impact on this planet than the US. For a fact, if it's terrorism or any other topic. The US has certainly been one of the world's more proactive nations. The UK seems more reactive, which is not particularly helpful. So, it is again the US.

It is pretty even really, as far as I am concerned. I maybe am in slight favour of the US. Although, I may very well go with UK, if I am promised the Kohinoor to be returned to India.

The Countdown.

The countdown in on, only... 8 or 9 more days, maybe 10, I am not much for math, and my calendar is around on the end of my desk and facing the wrong direction. But, it is not long now. The big showdown between the hapless +Mike Raven* at the Blog of Thog regarding the respective governments of our respective nations. Complete with video.

For those of you asking, "hey whats in it for me?" and here I am not going to name any names, but
there are people who have expressed an interest in being swayed, financially, or at least prestigiously, I have discussed possible compensatory rewards with the corporations who own the US government. Lets just say there are several openings in the near future, vis-a-vis speaker of the house, majority whip, even the oval office for those willing to see the "red, white and blue light."

Oh, and don't forget to write a post detailing your opinion, and add a video, maybe tweet. It is your chance to have your say.

Oh, and here is a little sample clip, so Mike can see what kind of carnage he is facing.

*He is not really hapless at all, in fact I would venture to say he has plenty of haps, a whole boatload of haps, he maybe the most happening guy I have never met. Though someday we are going to meet and I will buy him a beer, or a coffee based drink, he seems to like those.

A day of reckoning.

OK, there have been some issues with our time machine, not that it doesn't work, but it works way too well. All sorts of people have been coming and going, we lost count, and are not really sure how to shut it off, curse you Self Contained Nuclear Reactor.

And our matter diffusion and transferal system, not that it doesn't work, it just doesn't work very well. Sometimes people are taller, and thinner, or shorter and bigger around, and sometimes it changes hair color, and nobody knows where their tattoo will appear. It always get them back together, more or less, the way they were. Here, we should apologize to Bob, from Building Services, who is now a delightful shade of blue, stunning, really. We have that all worked out, Bob, and if you want to try it again, we are fairly certain we can reverse the hue, we think.

Anyhoo, it seems Congress is a little angry about some things, and has called us to appear before a joint session. One of the things they want to discuss is a small army of ancient Egyptian soldiers tearing around the nation's capital, drinking a lot of beer, and terrorizing commuters demanding to be returned to ancient Egypt. Though very few people understand what they are saying, in fact we are just guessing.  They might be asking for directions to the Cracker Barrel, we don't know. Dr. Dawg is an expert in dead languages, and is researching "Biscuits and Gravy" in ancient Egyptian, but it is slow, tedious work.

Everything is going so well in America these days and Congress has nothing better to do than harass us, poor scientists and engineers, doing our best to make this nation great again. How about the budget, the debt, the trade deficit, or the cost of living? Huh, how about that? What about Deflate Gate, Huh?

Don't worry, we have a plan. though.

Thank you, Doctor Dawg, and Al Pacino
we have wanted to say that for a long time.

Action, Louder

When I young the US government seemed a terrifying, monstrous thing. Filled with unscrupulous, shady characters making backroom deals. Hammering away, night and day. A constant, inexorable, boundless shadow, casting a pall over the country. Caring little for the lives of individuals, sacrificing constituency for personal gain, and occasionally progress. Now, though, it seems less Kafka, and more Keystone Kops.

It is, somewhat, a delightful relief.  Imagine being certain your every move was being analyzed, and recorded. Motives dissected, examined, and quantified, every action a point on a line chart, imposed over the backdrop of expectations, who wants that kind of scrutiny.  Then, picture discovering the organization that you assumed was able to watch your every move is a giant clown mini van, filled with tired, bickering, U7 soccer players after a long day baking under the summer sun.  Tired, cranky, demanding children who have no desire or motive save misbehaving.

Recently, I read of a freshman senator penning a letter to the Ayatollah Khamenei. In this letter he told the leader of this country that he and his fellow senators would not ratify any treaty signed and approved by the President, the Leader of Iran, and the allies and other negotiating parties, and at the very least were going to modify the agreement. Saying, in effect, the International Community who has worked to come to an agreement should have talked to them first.

Certainly, this is not questioning the sincerity, or authenticity of concern. There are many questions that need answered, and everybody who has a stake in seeing the world become a safer place has the right to know. But, it does seem a little demanding, petulant, cranky.

It does raise a very good question, too. Why not get the houses of congress involved, they have done such a remarkable job improving the conditions in America, after all.  They are so good at compromise, and deal making.  If you have any doubts just look at their recent record, stellar, they should be involved in everything.

We are coming after you.

Why stop there, though?  We should all have a say in these things.  We are officially announcing the Life Explained World Improvement Initiative (LEWII, we are the Kingsmen when you need them?).  We are banding together and starting a letter writing campaign to the heads of foreign governments, large corporations, television officials, movie producers, game designers, actors, anybody, anywhere, that grates on our nerves, putting them on notice that their behavior will no longer be tolerated.  We don't (collectively) like the cut of their jib (cumulatively).

We are also thinking of starting a Facebook page, a Twitter page, a Tumblr, a blog, and a YouTube channel (mostly because we have to find a use for that $6.00 or $7.00 app (we can not remember for sure) before someones wife finds out how much it cost).*

If lines are not toed, t's are not crossed, i's are not dotted, in a way of which we approve, we will retaliate in awesome, terrible ways.  The world will feel our wrath, and tremble before our might, we will have our say. And maybe somebody elses say, as well, we have a lot of rage, and very little to be too angry about, so if you have a complaint, let us handle it for you.  Just email us at tweettweetjohn@yahoo.com, and somebody will be sorry, the first one is free.

*We are still working on Life Explained, the Movie.  It is a big production, and it will take some time. Don't despair, at least until you watch it.

Your Government, a Work in Progress, well maybe progress, and work, are not the right words.

Ben Affleck mentioned Batman while appearing before the Senate Appropriations Subcommittee.  People seemed surprised that he would, with such ease, drop the caped crusaders name while testifying before congress.  Perhaps, they were worried he would dilute the Dark Knight’s brand by discussing the franchise in such a hostile, divisive, unproductive place.

No one seems too surprised that Ben Affleck, an actor, was testifying before the Senate Appropriations Subcommittee on State, Foreign Operations and Related Programs.  Or, that he mentioned Batman to Vermont senator Patrick Leahy, who is such a big fan of the movie series he has managed to land a few bit parts in several of the films, and, will be appearing with Affleck in “Batman vs. Superman: Dawn of Justice.”

No one seemed surprised the Patrick Leahy was using his influence as a congressperson to land a bit part in an action film.  At least, being an elected official would leave plenty of time to pursue an acting career.  Imagine the thrill when the first member of congress receives an Oscar, it will probably not be for any sort of "best supporting" role.

Turns out Affleck founded the “Eastern Congo Initiative” and advocacy group focused on helping communities in Eastern Congo.  There is no formal explanation of the nature of his testimony.  One can only assume he was attempting to marshal support for his cause.

Maybe, though, he was there to familiarize himself with the “workings” of congress, for a future role.  Maybe, that role is elected federal official. 

And, just maybe, that is not a role.  Maybe, noticing the success Senator Leahy has had glad handing his way into Mr. Affleck’s world of fictional characters performing impossible feats of unbelievable daring, and bravado, the Academy Award winning actor feels it is a street that runs both directions. 

Patrick Leahy as the new Robin, and Ben Affleck as the new Chairman of the Ways and Means Committee.  

“Holy Crap, Batman, H. R. 4457 will provide much-needed certainty for beer distributors and their small brewer partners, as well as incentivizing investment, and job growth, we need to act fast.”

Super heroes for congress, somebody should have thought of this a long time ago.  You can thank us later.

Oscars In DC, who will bring home the trophy.

This week the president provided his version of the State of the Union.  I didn't watch.  It was followed by the Republican response.  I didn't watch that either.  State of the Union addresses don't change all that much, nor do responses.  Unemployment is down, gas prices are low, the economy is improving, it is hard to find fault with these numbers.  Of course it is equally hard to find someone to thank.

For the last six years the houses of congress have been locked in a ideological battle over the best way to govern.  If anybody reached "across the aisle" it was with the intent to bludgeon, garrotte, or stab someone.  Bills were batted down with glee.  Partisanship ruled the halls of government.

"They don't want to cooperate," was the constant lament.  It echoed through the country, sweeping across the plains, cresting the mountains, and flowing to the oceans.

Consensus was considered sinful, and cooperation viewed as weakness.  Voting outside party lines was equal to fraternizing with the enemy.

There were government shutdowns.  National monuments built to celebrate this nation, its accomplishments, testimony to the greatness of our shared heritage and national history, paid for by taxpayers, staffed with common people who believe in the countries greatness were closed because people we trust to run things were acting like children.  It is probably safe to assume congressional benefits were not at risk.  

Despite the bickering, despite the inaction, despite the endless, whining sound emanating from the hallowed halls, the economy somehow righted itself.  Of course, everybody who can grab a microphone, and plop down in front of a camera will trumpet their part in the recovery.  But, deep inside we are all starting to understand, the nations leaders aren't really there to lead.  Sure, they will try to do their best to make sure nothing too bad happens, at least not to the people who put them in such a comfy job, mostly their largest campaign contributors.

In the end the control they have over events is limited, and mostly exhibition.  They can really put on a good show, and it makes for riveting, excellent drama.  Congress people should have their own version of the Academy Awards, voting on who gave the "best performance in support a bill to increase benefits to corporate farms for whom at least 75% of their profits are derived from imported produce."  Imagine the possibilities, it almost brings a tear to your eye.
 

New Spending Bill,

Things are starting to break loose in the houses of Congress.  Years of gridlock have taken a toll on the American public, and the attitude toward the nations capitol was turning sour.  Mistrust, and disbelief were becoming the norm.

It was a helpless, feeling of dreadful impotence watching the elected officials who were supposed to be guiding the country through stormy, dangerous times.  With an economy that was languishing in the early stages of recovery, and the world slowly slowly setting itself on fire, America watched with hopeless despair as Washington bickered from one congressional recess to the next.

Now, there seems to be some movement, a slow fracture appearing in the stonewall that had been built over the last several years.

A spending bill has been written and approved.  The nation rejoices, a spending bill, a government shutdown has been averted, and the noose seems to be loosening slightly.  Oh, sure, there is a lot of work to be done, but progress is progress.

Included in the spending bill are provisions to reduce funding for the IRS to punish them for indiscretions involving tax exempt political organizations.  Previously, the IRS was free to indulge in inquisition style audits, and that was alright, private citizens are not really that important.

Wall Street got an early Christmas present, in the form of reduced regulation.  This will make it so much easier to turn a tidy profit trading risky, marginal derivatives.  Derivative is defined as "not original, secondary."  In banking this seems to mean investing money in things generate profit from a secondary source.  Similar to buying a wallet, hoping it is filled with money, that would be nice.  Buried deep inside the spending bill is a provision to bring back Lehman Brothers, and they are hiring Dr. Frankenstein to perform the resurrection.  Just kidding, about Dr. Frankenstein.

But, the real winners are members of Congress, themselves, who somehow managed to sneak a bit of campaign reform past congress.  It was a masterful bit of maneuvering by wily politicians using the pressure of a looming government shutdown to allow politicians to take huge donations from individual donors.  How congress ever got that past congress is a mystery that will take years to unravel.

Here is a graphic representation of the new landscape of American Politics.  It is a brave new world.

Common Sense Application to Enormous Problems.

Today's traffic in the nation's capital calls for ego fueled, shortsighted, narrow minded, self-serving gridlock. This is liable to be a long term situation with little hope for resolution. Meanwhile the nation languishes and the problems grow, and compound. There is little hope for resolution. Elected officials threaten bicker, squabble, and insult, and perform far below expectations. 

 It is obvious our form of democracy is in desperate straits, and at least part of the problem can be attributed to the liberal infusion of cash, and the obligation that follows, an inescapable shadow, strangling cooperation, and bipartisanship. Infrastructure fails, while elected officials stand in the hallowed aisles of the houses of congress swinging their purses at each other, purses swollen with corporate cash. But, it is this cash, and greed, and need for control that could save us from some of our problems.

Large companies line up to throw money at arenas and stadiums, they can't wait to plaster their name on auditoriums, anything that will provide a tax shelter, and a little glad handing advertisement. We are constantly bombarded by product placement, and naming rights, everywhere we look. Why not use to this to our advantage.

Every civic reconstruction project should begin with two bids. The first is for the naming rights, and the second is for the actual construction, demolition, or both. Even in a relatively small city many people will never enter the basketball, or hockey arena, or the baseball, or football stadium. Sure, everybody will hear the name, repeated by the corporate shills manning the local press outlets, but with time it will cease to be a proper noun, Lucas Oil Stadium, Nationwide Arena, soon become, "lucasoilstadium." It is not intentional, it is human nature. But, imagine the impact of The Kraft Macaroni and Cheese Water Main. Something people use every day, something that gives life, and provides comfort.

What about the Waste Management Swamp Reclamation Project? Or the Pfizer Solid Waste Authority Land Fill, garbage trucks could be festooned with images of people whose lives have been made more complete through the use of applied chemistry.

If your municipality can not afford new police cruisers, sell advertising rights. Not only could the winning company place their logo on the side of the car, the siren could be programmed to play the commercial jingle. Imagine your delight at being pulled over by "My bologna has a first name it's O S C A R." Even hardened criminals will surrender gladly to the pleasant, happy child's voice singing joyfully about lunch.

Of course it won't solve all of our problems, but it will give us the foundation for reconstruction, a chance to claw our way out of the morass, find our way out of the darkness. Maybe we can auction off some of our elected officials to raise enough money for a pizza party. Actually, it will be more like a second mortgage.

An Important National Debate.

It is almost time, you can feel it in the air, step out the door, look around, and it is everywhere.  Drama, suspense, tension, intrigue, it is almost more than a nation can bear.  That's right folks, it almost time to decide who will perform during half time of the Super Bowl.  Not that it really matters, after that scintillating performance at half time last year by... (hey, does anybody remember who did the halftime show during the Super Bowl last year?  No, well that's ok, (note to self, fire research department)).  Ok, it was easy to forget when a person considers how exciting the game was between... (hey, do any of you remember who played in the Super Bowl last year?  No, well that's ok (note to self, DVR Super Bowl this year)).

Right now, it appears that it is a tight race between Weird Al Yankovic and anybody else, with anybody else holding a decisive edge.  But, that does not stop the rancorous, venomous debate.  Things are really heating up, and the opposing sides are looking increasingly violent.

An unnamed source in Congress said they are debating whether to intervene in the decision, and whether to have lunch at 11:30 or 12:00, and whether to set the thermostat at 72 degrees, or 75 degrees.  Plus,  they are debating the best route to the rest room, and which restroom has the best towels, and which movie deserves the Oscar for best picture this year.  Plus, they are debating if the junior senator from Oregon should sit in the 9th or 10th row, and where to get the best coffee, and Danish in the capitol.  In fact, according to almost everybody who is not in Congress they can not agree on, or accomplish, anything.  And both sides are looking increasingly violent.

The debate rages on, there is no end in sight, kind of like the Super Bowl half time show.  Remember, no matter how little it actually means to you personally, take a side, join the melee, lose your temper and be rude.  You might get elected.

Independence,and Living in the Promised Land.

Tomorrow is the 4th of July, the day we celebrate casting off the yoke of British tyranny.  Basically, we said, "Hey Britain, you can have your yoke of tyranny, because we are casting it off!"  Britain said "well, bloody hell, at least we still have India."   We were so delighted with our independence we fired up the barbecue grills, popped open some frosty beers and blew up some fireworks.

Of course, that was a long time ago, now we are good friends with Great Britain.  Such good friends, in fact,  we are even thinking about allowing the import of haggis, which is a sausage like casing filled with... well, you probably don't want to know what it is filled with, and after a few moments of research I know way more than I ever wanted to know about haggis.  Anyway, if we are considering allowing the UK to sell us that you know we have a very good relationship.  There is still plenty to celebrate, though.

Freedom begs for feasting, beer, and fireworks, and we are free.  No longer do we answer to a distant government with little regard for our well being, completely indifferent to the struggles we face daily, focused only on their own continued control, wretched, foreign and hostile to the lives of the citizens of this great nation.  Ok, so maybe not that much has changed, we still seem to have very little real representation. But, at least we are being ignored by our own, and that is a start, or maybe the end, and the problems in the nations capitol seem to grow in a geometric progression.  Who are we to let that ruin our fun?

It is not just a celebration of freedom, it is the day we honor the birth of our nation.  And while there are many things we could and should improve, and things may be getting worse, by the minute, and often it seems like nobody is even paying attention, certainly nobody is in any hurry to reconcile the vast differences dividing so much of the population, as long as it is such an easily exploitable resource, that is no reason to mope.  Sure, things may look hopeless, in fact we may have moved past the point of no return, in so many ways, and everybody who could help is too busy scheming, plotting and planning for the next election cycle.  We still love a good party.

So, America, pop open a cold one, fire up the charcoal, and throw some burgers, hotdogs, steaks, and ribs on the grill, even though those items have reached a price that most of us can no longer afford.  For one day we can all be proud of our country.  It is so easy to forget our problems on the 4th of July.  After all, the houses of congress are not in session.
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Well Being, At Least Better Being,

As if there was not enough to worry about all ready, giant, invasive slugs, venomous, "face sized" spiders, and air travel, (all of which I have warned you, repeatedly about) now there is a new threat to mankind, at least the "man" part of mankind.  According to James O'Neil, a professor at the University of Connecticut, "men are conflicted, ambivalent."  I had no idea, now it is clear, though, I look around here, at the Top Secret Life Explained headquarters and all of the men have that haunted look of conflict and ambivalence.

Apparently, we are so "conflicted and ambivalent" that according to David Crary of the Associated Press, Dr. O'Neil writes extensively "on men's struggles over gender roles."  Dammit, this could be bad.

Our conflict and ambivalence over gender roles has almost certainly caused the strife and turmoil in the nations capitol, how can we expect congress persons to function under the weight of "being socialized to meet the old stereotypes."  When will they be able to find the "alternative models of masculinity" for which they yearn?  It has driven the world mad, I tell you.

How do we find our way out of this morass, do we need a hero, someone to ride in on a pale horse, or a custom built, extravagantly noisy motorcycle to save the day.  No, what we need, according to Dr. O'Neil, is "an expansion of psychological support for men wrestling with changing expectations."  Indeed, Dr. O'Neil, that is exactly what we need.  Because it is clear the "changing expectations" have us in the "stranglehold, submission lock of doom."


But, we here at Life Explained are here to provide that support, and a road map to emotional stability, in several installments, for free (hey it beats trying to think up something new everyday).  Today, we start with "Heroes, wow, that's cool!"

A smoky (here, we are going to use dry ice to create the effect, we all know the dangers of second hand smoke, and that would be irresponsible) conference room in Geneva, one person sitting on the "right" side of the table, a toothpick (I recommend Gum brand floss picks, gingivitis stalks the great and small alike, available at most fine grocery stores) hanging arrogantly from his/her mouth, dark aviator sunglasses, perched defiantly on the crest of the nose, covering the eyes with the mirrored glass of strength and resolve.

A man walks in and sits down, looking hopefully at our hero.

The toothpick moves slowly, purposefully from side to side, and after a few minutes that stretch almost to eternity, the larger than life person of indeterminate gender, our hero, President/Prime Minister/Chancellor (insert your favorite world leader here) takes the toothpick in hand and points it at the person, saying softly, yet forcefully, "enough with the anti-gay crap, Vladmir, and for God's sake put a shirt on.  We're finished here."

Adaptability is the key, we can be comfortable with almost anything, it just takes a little work, a small amount of tolerance, and the appropriate amount of clothing.

Please tune in tomorrow, when we discuss the "altered dynamics of subordinate, or why no one ever listens to me at work."

Dateline: Washington DC

In surprise news from the capital elected officials did nothing to solve the deadlock, end the government shutdown, or even ameliorate the anxiety caused by the sequester cuts.

Meetings are not scheduled, phone calls are not planned, emails are un-typed, and progress is not being made in a dramatic fashion.  In unrelated news several large conference rooms are available for rent, cheap, in the capitol building.  "Hey, we're not using them, and they would be great for weddings, bar mitzvahs, or family reunions, " one elected official (who would only identify himself as "crazy Bob, the Capitol's Best Realtor) said "but, you will need to clean them yourselves, all of the janitors are furloughed."

"We were elected to lead this great nation," one congress person told us, anonymously, "and that is what we are doing.  Don't blame us if it looks a little silly from the outside.  Hey, I was a dentist, before being elected, and there were no classes in national governance, and finance, international cooperation, or consensus building among disparate ideologies in dental school, and nobody gave us any directions when we got here (in fact they were kind of sanctimonious jerks).  We are just kind of winging it.  They all think it is so easy, maybe they should try it once in a while.  Ingrate constituents, anyway.  I tell you this is like pulling teeth."

The forecast for today, expect torrential downpours of pointing fingers, flurries of childish, petulant behavior and gusts of complete disregard for responsibility.

Tune in tomorrow, when I will predict (within 2 points) the winner and the point spread of tonight's NFL game between two teams, whose names escape me for the moment.  I think it is the Millionaires vs the Filthy Rich. but I will investigate further.

Austerity Measures.

Due to the cutbacks forced by the government shutdown the patrol of the national parks and monuments is being handled by UAVs (Unmanned Aerial Vehicles).  This move alone will provide enough savings to pay the salary of 2.5 Congress people.  Fortunately, there are .5 congress people scattered throughout the Capital.

Caution will be needed while in the vicinity of any of these, the programmers and all of the senior operators have been furloughed.  You see, these cutbacks are hard on everyone.

Please feel free to move about the country, but keep your eyes looking toward the skies.  We all need to make sacrifices.

The time is now.

It is imperative in times of national turmoil that we pull together as a nation.  We need unity, and cooperation if the country is going to pull through these difficult times.  There are so many wonderful things happening in our great land why let a few differences rip us apart?

We should all come together, make amends and move forward.  There are many challenges that offer our country the opportunity to go beyond the most significant goals we have ever reached.  There are unique possibilities for working in unison, toiling together to overcome the difficulties, that should be pulling us closer, not pitting us against each other.

New potential achievements await at every turn, we can climb so high, together.  Now is the time for action.

If only my learned colleagues from the other party could see how stupid they are acting, if only they weren't so stupid.

Signed,

Any member, either house of Congress.

PS, please forward my pay checks to my vacation home in Belize, where I will be serving the needs of my constituents, one fruity, delicious, umbrella carrying drink at a time.

Thank You,

It is time for a nation to breathe a collective sigh of relief.  Time to mop its collective brow, of the collective fear induced perspiration that has gathered during the collective trauma.  Time to raise a collective voice and say "Thank You, So Much, Elected Officials."

In what can only be considered a selfless act of compassion the houses of congress have decided to shut down the Federal Government.  What daring, what courage, what sacrifice.

"Yes, we shut down the government, it was the only decent thing to do."  They said.

To protect their constituents, and serve the needs of the country they have decided it was time to "pull the plug on the old girl.  In so many ways it is too bad Dr. Kevorkian has given up the ghost.  We could really use his services."  One insider was quoted as saying.

Really, it was the only humane thing to do, the government was suffering, and there really seemed no hope for any significant improvement.  Yes, they may have been able to make it comfortable for a short time, but the result was inevitable.  Systems were failing and the painful, pitiable, battle was drawing to an end.  There were just too many illnesses for one government to overcome.

In related news, Jane Goodall, who was considering studying the primitive life forms inhabiting the houses of congress, recently declared, "I will have to decline, they are too barbaric, and I would fear for my life."  Too bad, it would be nice if there were some explanation for their behavior.