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Thursday, April 17, 2014

Technology Marches Onward, And Inward.

Recently, Google Glasses went on sale.  People snapped them up.  Of course, there were some people whose vanity made them wait for the release of Google Contacts.  A very unique computational device guaranteed to increase productivity, allowing us to spend  more time developing close, lasting relationships with our families.  Not really, to heck with that, who wants to have a meaningful, thought provoking conversation with their loved ones when they can play Tetris by tapping themselves on the side of the head.  This is only the beginning, though.

Technology lovers are already putting a down payment on their Google Implants.  Tiny devices placed in the base of the skull, that respond to electronic signals from the cerebral cortex.  Beaming data through the ocular canal these microscopic devices generate a holographic image several feet in front of the user.   Of course, you will need to control what you are thinking, trials have led to embarrassing consequences.  One test subject lost his job when an image of his bosses head on the see, hear, speak no evil monkeys materialized in the center of the table during a routine meeting to discuss new "protocols restricting the posting of unauthorized signage, including the hanging of 'gonna get my drink on' signs above the coffee maker and water cooler."

Of course, the real excitement is for products still being developed.  Just wait until you try the new Google Epidermis, which will provide real time data to the user regarding temperature, wind speed and directions, and the availability of WiFi hot spots.  It will also react to the users condition, mood ring like, to indicate any number of variables, including emotional disposition, blood pressure, and serum cholesterol, eliminating the need for blood tests.  Plus, you will be able to watch movies and television shows on the palm of your hand.  It is not yet approved for use in "water situations."  Poor Steve found that out the hard way during his beta test, the services are scheduled for next Tuesday.  He is a brilliant shade of turquoise, absolutely brilliant.

What is generating the real excitement however, is Google Internal Organs.  We are not allowed to say too much about this project, but you will never have to say "I'm hungry, but I don't know what I want," again.  Now you will know exactly what you want, where to find it, and the best mode of transportation.  With future updates you will know the nutritional value in comparison to the caloric intake, and which members of your Google + circles enjoy similar foods, and which are hungry now, so you won't have to eat alone.

Don't forget to tune in tomorrow for the next installment of "Wow, where can I get one?"  when we review smart phone apps to summon the dead, is it a good idea?