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Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Another Great Idea, Sometimes We Amaze Us.

On a hanger, hanging from a coat rack, by the lockers, over by the elevator, on the 7th floor, here at the top secret Life Explained headquarters, and deli, are a pair of faded, cream colored cargo shorts.  They almost blend in with the fading, once white walls.  In fact, they have been there so long nobody really knows where they came from, or who left them behind.  It has created quite a stir over the years.  But, we have finally stumbled on a solution.  We are going to extract the DNA and clone whoever wore those shorts last.  

This decision has generated a lot of excitement. Bob, from Facilities Management started a pool, and everybody is trying to guess, from the style, and the amount of dust, how long they have hung there.  Using this information they are going to access the personnel records and see who worked here at during that time.  Unfortunately, we don't keep records of waist size or taste in clothing, yet, so that avenue is closed. But, the excitement is palpable, and urgent.

It has led to a very remarkable plan from the Human Resource Department (a lot of people find it remarkable that Human Resources actually came up with a plan).  When people turn in their notice somebody will steal a garment, or coffee cup, or shot glass, something with DNA on it, and we will clone them.  It will be like they never left, except that we won't have to pay them anymore.  And, since clones are not really covered by labor laws in State Redacted For Security Purposes we probably won't need to pay into social security, or fund a retirement account.  Heck, they don't even have to be that good of an employee to make this plan seem smart. "A few hots and a cot" and we have a labor pool.

Which led to an amazing thought from Accounting (and the fact that Accounting even came up with a thought is kind of amazing). Why bother even hiring people in the first place? When people came in to interview somebody would "accidentally" cut them with a letter opener, or drop a wad of bubble gum in their hair and be "forced" to cut it out.  Presto, instant employee.

All of this talk led to fantastic idea from the Customer Service Department (in many ways it was fantastic that the Customer Service Department would even have an idea).  Why limit this boundless work force to our organization?  Why not start a little side business in the temporary staffing industry.  We can undercut any competitor and offer an unlimited supply. If you like a particular worker we will send over a few more, of the same worker!  How many other "temp agencies" can make that promise?

Things are looking pretty bright around here these days.  There is even talk of going public. It has been a while since there has been an IPO that the public could really get excited about. This is like a license to print money.