Another Great Idea, Sometimes We Amaze Us.

On a hanger, hanging from a coat rack, by the lockers, over by the elevator, on the 7th floor, here at the top secret Life Explained headquarters, and deli, are a pair of faded, cream colored cargo shorts.  They almost blend in with the fading, once white walls.  In fact, they have been there so long nobody really knows where they came from, or who left them behind.  It has created quite a stir over the years.  But, we have finally stumbled on a solution.  We are going to extract the DNA and clone whoever wore those shorts last.  

This decision has generated a lot of excitement. Bob, from Facilities Management started a pool, and everybody is trying to guess, from the style, and the amount of dust, how long they have hung there.  Using this information they are going to access the personnel records and see who worked here at during that time.  Unfortunately, we don't keep records of waist size or taste in clothing, yet, so that avenue is closed. But, the excitement is palpable, and urgent.

It has led to a very remarkable plan from the Human Resource Department (a lot of people find it remarkable that Human Resources actually came up with a plan).  When people turn in their notice somebody will steal a garment, or coffee cup, or shot glass, something with DNA on it, and we will clone them.  It will be like they never left, except that we won't have to pay them anymore.  And, since clones are not really covered by labor laws in State Redacted For Security Purposes we probably won't need to pay into social security, or fund a retirement account.  Heck, they don't even have to be that good of an employee to make this plan seem smart. "A few hots and a cot" and we have a labor pool.

Which led to an amazing thought from Accounting (and the fact that Accounting even came up with a thought is kind of amazing). Why bother even hiring people in the first place? When people came in to interview somebody would "accidentally" cut them with a letter opener, or drop a wad of bubble gum in their hair and be "forced" to cut it out.  Presto, instant employee.

All of this talk led to fantastic idea from the Customer Service Department (in many ways it was fantastic that the Customer Service Department would even have an idea).  Why limit this boundless work force to our organization?  Why not start a little side business in the temporary staffing industry.  We can undercut any competitor and offer an unlimited supply. If you like a particular worker we will send over a few more, of the same worker!  How many other "temp agencies" can make that promise?

Things are looking pretty bright around here these days.  There is even talk of going public. It has been a while since there has been an IPO that the public could really get excited about. This is like a license to print money.

Project management, for the busy professional.

Today we are going to learn how to finish large projects almost effortlessly.  Many times a new undertaking can seem overwhelming.  What if you wanted to build a really big boat, to transport shipping containers across the ocean.  That would seem almost impossible, wouldn't it?  But, if you break it down into small parts it becomes a series of manageable, easy, fun steps.

"Hey, Bob, is that a fully functional, high capacity,
two wheel dolly, or are you just happy to see me?"

1.) Get some steel.  Shouldn't be hard.
2.) Get a really hot furnace.  Ok, that seems easy enough.
3.) Warm the steel up and bend it until it looks like a boat.

See that was not so hard, was it?  Of course, we left out a few small parts, like engines and paint, and that big thing that makes the ship turn.  But, each can be accomplished using the same careful allocation of resources.

Not everybody is lucky enough to build boats, though.  Some people are forced to labor endlessly in a privately held company, greasing the wheels of commerce, by importing and exporting designer fashion accessories, from and to places that sound interesting and exotic.  Even though, they are filled with things like cholera, E coli, scabies (we don't know what that is, but we are not going to look into it, after reading about viral hemorrhagic fevers we know everything we want to know about hideous foreign diseases, thank you).  Not to mention faced sized spiders, and aggressive, venomous snakes, and...  Sorry about that.

Anyway, some people need to labor in front of a computer monitor, turning a stack of paper into a coherent, attractive commercial invoice and packing slip, suitable for framing, or customs.  It seems a little intimidating, at first, until you think about it, and break the task into small, easy to manage steps.

First, you will need to sort the papers into the proper order.  That way your work will flow, logically, and reasonably, start to finish.

But, a cup of coffee would be good, so let's start there.  Hey, while we are up there, look to see if there are any donuts, or cookies.  If not, somebody left a frozen burrito, they will never miss it, it has been there for weeks, calling your name.  Just eat it, well first heat it up, it will be a lot better then.  Check if there is any salsa or hot sauce, we will keep an eye open for any angry burrito owners.

Next, we need to open the template for invoice creation.  You know, you should check Facebook first, see what's up.  Also, there are rumors of a video showing a bulldog, and a monkey, riding a motorcycle, wearing dresses, on YouTube, that would be funny, check it out.   As long as the internet is up, check the price of steel, and a really hot furnace, we could start building some boats, that sounds easy, and probably pretty profitable, too.

OK, on to business, check to see if there were any back-ordered items.  First, though, let's go get a Coke and some ice, that salsa was hot.

It is too late to really start anything so complicated as an invoice.  What do you say we call it a day, and Monday we will burn through the paperwork.  It has been a hectic afternoon, you must be exhausted.

Another plan crushed by cruel reality.

As my loyal readers know today I had a dentist appointment.  As they could further tell you, I had an almost fool proof plan to wrest control of the situation from the dentist, avoiding expensive and painful procedures.

It is possible that the dentist read my blog post, "The Dental Games," and played a variant of the classic "Smack your plan in the face opening."  

After my teeth were cleaned and I was mentally preparing my assault my dentist pulled a fast one.  To my frustrated surprise my dentist sent his henchman and assistant dentist Dr.Josephine Kevorkian to check my teeth.  She is a woman of action, an intimidating mixture of dentist, enforcer, and executioner, who uses a riding crop to examine molars and a monocle to read x-rays.

With an air of satisfaction, and a terrifying sense of dominance she said "you need a filling and maybe a better attitude, Mr. Funny Guy."  Oddly, I have found over the years when people call me funny guy they don't mean it as a compliment. 

So, I said ok, scheduled my appointment, thanked them all, and went on my way.  There is always next time.