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Tuesday, September 15, 2015

More from the Life Explained Northeast Office [LENO]


Good morning folks, Jeremy Crow here, the leader of the first Life Explained franchise up here in the northeastern part of the country, where we work on the things that matter most to us, and may affect the rest of you. Actually when we are done working on it, it will probably most definitely affect the rest of you. As in our last white paper on trying harder, or as many people like to call it “cheating” we again will try to deal with some issues that affect the great New England pastime, of watching 31 other teams fight over who gets to lose to the Patriots. It isn’t easy, but then again if it were easy it wouldn’t be part of what we here examine now would it?

As a public service this week we have decided to leave the trying harder to the staff at the Patriots organization while we work on way that other teams can cope with not being the Patriots. Although this doesn’t seem all that easy we have been studying the data and have a few drug free approaches to dealing with the trauma of not being a Patriots fan. Now we aren’t going to take the New York Jets approach to dealing with this, by being the most fabulous disaster every year, we are thinking more along the lines of the Cleveland Browns approach of you wait until next year. It always seems to work well until it is next year, and then you can always say, that it is this year, and next year is still on the table.

The new approach to not being a Patriots fan appears to be the “at least we don’t cheat” method. In theory you can always say, “at least we didn’t cheat” when your team loses, and then feel better about yourselves. This only seems to work as long as you are in denial over how it makes a Patriots fan feels. They actually don’t care, but if you try really hard you can convince yourself that the feeling of being a winner that they always seem to have, has been lessened a little bit. I mean in reverse it always seems to make the Steelers fans feel better that they have never admitted to losing a game. They take great solace in believing that every game they didn’t win was because someone somewhere screwed them out of the victory, so the philosophy is strong and has stood for decades, as long as the denial doesn’t weaken.

In the event that the denial weakens you can always move along to plan two. There is always some team out there that is worse than yours. I mean this doesn’t work well for Jacksonville Jaguars fans, but if you squint your eyes really tight, and hold your breath until you are about to pass out, you can feel good that you aren’t a Chicago Cubs fan. I mean sure it is a cross mingling of sports and all, but thanks to global warming and the end of the earth there is no chance the Jaguars will go 419 years without a championship like the Cubs seem to be going. We’re all about solutions here folks, even if you can’t just love life as the fan of a champion. There is always someone somewhere that is worse off than you or a really good excuse to why others do better than your team.

Well from the great northeast we just want to say, look on the bright side. Not everyone can have a crack team like us to work on life’s little problems, but if you just stick to our company motto (We’ll fix it or we’ll fix it so that nobody will EVER fix it!), you too can start explaining away the world’s most fascinating and complicated issues, or at least have a good knowledge of where to hide the evidence otherwise.