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Monday, September 28, 2015

The Great LENO and Volkswagen Partnership


Good afternoon all you Explainiacs out there. It's me again, Jeremy Crow, the sole franchise holder of the Life Explained brand out here in the great Northeast. We here at Life Explained Northeast Office [LENO] are still working long and hard on the things that matter to us, and eventually will effect you, and this wonderful Mon day morning we have the most excellent news! We have formed an alliance with a wonderful German company [Volkswagen] to deal with an impending situation that has us quite concerned. For those of you who aren't in the loop there has been talk of a new technology in the form of a programmable micro-chip that the NFL intends to place on game balls in an effort to keep an up to the minute track of what the exact ball pressure is. This does not bode well for our only real client at this moment [The New England Patriots] and their hopes of winning the next 5 Super Bowls before Tom Brady decides to take up baseball.

Now I hold in my hands a white-sheet (well actually it is manila, but I didn't create the technical name) of a proposal by our new partners at Volkswagen to work on software that will deal with enhance the integrity of the game further. They have been such innovators on diesel engine software, and let's face it they are German so you can trust them, that they assure us that the new Volkswagen Clean Diesel models will get up to 4570 miles to the gallon, and if you don't believe them just look at that read out! Not only can they get that mileage but according to that same read out you can stick your mouth over the tailpipe and just breath deeply on that perfectly clean air coming out of there. That's the type of software engineering that we want in the micro-chips keeping track of the air in the footballs, and to show how determined we are to cheat clear up all of that horrible propaganda that is said about our biggest client, we will install it on the Patriots game balls and let everyone else use that inferior American technology!

Now of course as most alliances go, especially when they are intercontinental, we did have to promise certain technology swaps with them as well. We have filed the paperwork with the Obama administration for us to share the technology we created to create El Nino in the Pacific Ocean (Hey! After last winter we deserve a break man!) assuming that the former members of the Bush administration are willing to sign over the rights to the technology that we stole borrowed from them that creates hurricanes.

Oh hold on that's Dick Cheney on the phone right now.

Well we don't know that Dick Cheney knew my mother well enough to assume that we have those kinds of relations with her or what it has to do with any of this, but it sounded like Dick Cheney is in complete denial of the hurricane technology, so we will use the law of "finders keepers losers weepers" to transfer the license on that one. Now we just have to decipher the e-mails on this e-mail server the Obama folks dropped off with direct instructions to "Get that bitch for us and you can have whatever you want" and then we are in business!